I am hoping that someone out there can offer some good advice to me.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 13 years. He is in the army, and we have 3 kids, two of whom have autism. ABout 3 weeks ago, he told me that he wasn't happy, hadn't been in a long time, and things no longer felt 'right' between us. I was really surprised! He said he wanted to separate, and he started spending his nights at the home of a female colegue of his ( he says that, at that point, they were just good friends- but he is her superior and supervisor). That went on for about a week, and the I found out, when he left his facebook open here, that he had strated a romantic relationship with her, which he says didn't start until about three days after we separated. They had been instant messanging, etc. every night on facebook for about 3 months before al this happened, and he knew it bothered me, but he did it anyway.
when I found out, I was really upset, and just at that moment, my dad called to see if everything was okay, and I told him what happened. he called back and told me that if I didn't call the base padre to tell them about what was going on, he would. The army doens't look too kindly on that sort of thing, and my husband could have been fined, demoted, etc. if his superiors found out. I told him that he could either stay and try to work things out, or keep up his relationship with her and I would call the base padre ( maybe not the best thing I could have done, but I didn't l know what else to do). He told me that he would stop seeing her and try and work on things.
fast forward to today- he has made up a room for himself in the basement, put in a computer with inter net access and stays down there most of the time. he only comes up to eat supper or maybe for a few minutes to see the kids. He has agreed to go to counseling, both the two of us and alone, but ia m not very optimistic. i don't think his heart is in this at all, as he told me that he loves me but is not in love with me, and that he sees me as more of a friend than anything else. He told me that his "affair" ( he says we sere separated so it wasn't an affair) wasn't the problem- there were lots of other problems and issues, but instead of telling me about them, he talked to her. Now he says that he has never really had any time on his own and right now that is what he needs. That's fine for him, but he's got a wife and three kids to think about, and , like I said, I don't feel like his heart is in trying to work things out at all. he seems angry all the time, and I don't know what to do.
He is also due to be deployed to Afghanistan for six or seven months starting in November.

Hi there,
Welcome to SYMC, but I'm sorry for the reason that brought you here. What you describe is pretty common for affairs.

I would start by reading some of articles here at SYMC. You might peruse here: New to SYMC threads

And I would start with Penny's ebook - it would be very helpful to you especially. It sounds like your H is continuing his affair, and just about everything that he is telling you verbally is trying to blame you for it. I hope you don't take that in your heart. He's made some poor choices and of course, that isn't your fault.

I agree with your dad that you will want to tell the military. If your H is in a romantic relationship with a direct report, that really is a big no-no with the Army...and I would think that especially true in wartime. You'll see in the ebook that exposure of the affair is helpful in trying to wake your H up, when people who are close to him voice their concerns. Just get ready for an explosion of anger and whatever he is going to try to get you to stop. It takes a lot of bravery...but I bet you have quite a lot of it with three kids!

So, when you have time....read read read. Knowledge is power.

How are you sleeping and eating? Try and take really good care of yourself now. You have a lot on your plate.

Big hugs,
GS

quote:

maybe not the best thing I could have done, but I didn't l know what else to do)

Good choice! BRAVO actually. I think I would still make that call.

quote:

hich he says didn't start until about three days after we separated

Yea, right.

quote:

he says we sere separated so it wasn't an affair)

Read sweetie. Read and take care of yourself right now.

Everything he's doing and saying is classic. I sometimes think there is a script out there for infidelity.

Hold tight to your kids right now. They more likely will realize more then you think they might. And it's very hard on them.

Hugs to you...

This morning he came by tto pick us up and he told me that he had decided that he wasn't going to move out of the house, and I asked him what that made us- are we just waiting until enough time has gone by that he can ask for a divorce, are we trying to work on things , or is he just waiting to see what happens- he told me he is just waiting to see what happens. The trip today to take my daughter to her appointment wasn't too bad, but he kept the music in the van cranked up so loud that is was impossible to talk anyway. ( the Dr. diagnosed our daughter with fibromyalgia, and prescribed a new medication). When we got home, he said something about how he was glad we didn't argue, and that " I guess the only way that happens is if we don't talk at all". I told him, in a joking way, that I had tried to talk to him, but the music was so loud he didn't hear me. Then he told me that he was going out to his friends house for the night, and would be back tomorrow. I told him that he should either be here or not be here, but this " in and out " stuff is really hard on the kids. He told me that we weren't together, and I couldn't tell him what to do. He also told me that he wanted to talk tomorrow, and that one of the things he had wanted to talk about was that he didn't want me to read too much into the fact that we didn't argue today. He told me that he had to go and gather up some papers to take with him, which seems weird if he is just going to "visit a friend".
He did agree to see a different counselor, he picked the counselor.
Right now, I am so sick and tired of the whole thing. I wish he'd just leave, but we live in military housing, and because he is the military member, apparently he has the right to stay here, unless he is abuse. I don't think he's being abusive, just a jerk.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I do agree there must be some kind of handbook or script out there for infidelity, and IMHO your husband has read it.

Please do as has been said already....read, read and read some more and especially dont forget to take care of yourself, your kiddos will need a healthy mom to be there too.

And if the one piece of advice I have learned is this has nothing to do with you personally. By that I mean nothing you could do or say in a marriage could 'force' someone into cheating. If the marriage is that horrible they should move on respectfully and properly. Blaming you and the marriage is simply a tactic to ease their conscience of their wrong doings.

Remember to take care of yourself.

ctually, the other evening ( four nights ago), I took my kids out for a walk ( he was out again), and we happened to walk by that girl's house ( I didn't know that was where she lived), and lo and behold, who was in the driveway talking with her but my husband ( and some other guy). My kids saw him, and went running up to him calling "daddy!" . Needless to say, it was pretty horrible. I asked him did that mean things were definitely over, and he said yes, but that he wanted to talk to me while we walked home We talked, I called him some four letter words, and the end result was that he asked if he could come by the next day to talk. I said he could, in the afternoon, and to bring Tim Horton's coffee. He did, and we talked for a long time. I told him " how can you go on about how much you love the kids when you could do something like go to that girls knowing the risk you are taking ( he could be demoted, lose his job, get fined, etc.) - if you get caught, you'd lose your income, and where would THAT leave the kids? He didn't appreciate me saying that, but I didn't care anymore. He was acting like some teenager out to"find himself". he's 37, with 3 kids, a wife, a job, etc., and destroying all of that for the sake of "finding yourself" seems a little ( alright, way off) to me. I know my comments sound rude, but I have had about all I can take for now.
He cried a lot, saying "so much is broken, I don't see how we can fix it", but I have had enough of that tripe. This is real life, not the "Dr. Phil" show, and he needs to smarten up.
The end result is that he is back at the house, we have an appointment with a different counselor, and his room downstairs is his" private area" and mine upstairs is my "private area", with the rest of the house as a "public area". We are trying not to fight and to pick at each other, and we try to talk about stuff, and he suggested that we take the kids to some Nascar thing at the local speedway ( not my idea of fun, but there's no harm in giving it a try and seeing how things go. We are still separated, but tolerating each other.
I did find out from a few comments he made about how he is really frightened about being deployed. Every time there is a casualty, it makes it worse, and since he will be at a forward operating base, he'll be right in the middle of things. part of me wonders if part of this whole thing is he's detaching himself from me so that he won't worry while he's gone, but i don't know that for sure.

one more post from me before I totally dissolve into a wailing pool of self pity ( my kids are all outside , so I can afford the luxury of a good sob or two). Part of me really wishes that he could see and know and feel the pain he is causing me right now. I feel like I am in agony, and he seems to not care. How is it that one person can do this to someone else, especially when they say that they really care about the other person and don't want to see them hurt.
Sorry for dumping on you all, a bunch of strangers, but I feel so horrible right now I can't stand it. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, how I am handling this all so well, how I am doing great holding things together for my kids, but if the only knew how weak and sad I feel right now, they wouldn't be saying that at all.

Hi
My dad and friends say I should just divorce him. My mom and one friend say I should stick with it and try and work things out. I don't know what to do anymore, and I am feeling sick, worn out, emotionally drained and just plain tired from dealing with this.
During the first week of July, I complained to my husband about the amount of time he was spending using Facebook chat to talk to a girl he works with ( he is in the army, and he is her supervisor where they work). He told me he would stop, but wanted to take her out for coffee so that he could explain to her why he couldn't "chat " with her anymore online. I didn't like it, but he did it anyway. A few days later, we were eating supper, and he put his fork down, looked at me and said ' I can't do this anymore", and he left. he came back a few hours later and told me that he had been talking to a friend who told him that all marriages go through times like this, and he should wait it out.

The next day, two of our kids ( we have three, two of whom are autistic, the oldest one, who is 11, also has fibromyalgia) went to the local water park with friends, and we took our son shopping. we had a nice day, and we came home and things seemed okay, not great, but okay. The next day, he got an email from that girl asking him to come over because she had a "problem", and he asked if I would mind if he went. I said yes, but he went anyway. five hours later, he came home and I was furious. That's when he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore, that while we had a lot of fun when we were together, things weren't the "same", and that I was too controlling. Then he said he wanted a separation, and he left.

He had to come home the next day to work on an online course he was taking, but left at five. This pattern went on for a few days, and he finally told me that he was staying at that girl's house sleeping on her couch. A few days later, he left his facebook open, and I found a letter from him to her about how much he "loved her", etc. I freaked, and he told me that they had only gotten involved romantically a few days after he told me he wanted a separation, and that he had feelings for her. My dad called right at that time, and I was so upset that i told him what happened- he got angry and called the base social worker who he knew I'd been to see for advice about what to do, and her voice mail indicated that if it was an emergency, that the caller should call the base padre. My dad called back to say that if I didn't report what was going on to the base padre ( what my husband was doing is inappropriate conduct and abuse of authority- in the Canadian army he could be demoted, lose his job, be fined or even go to jail) , he would. He gave me an hour to figure out what I was going to do, so I talked to my husband and told him that he had to stop seeing her, and he could stay and try and work on things or leave. He chose to stay. i told him that if he didn't stop seeing her, i would report him, and he said he would stop. He sent her an email( I didn't get to see it) telling her that they had to stop seeing each other, but she kept sending him facebook emails, chats, etc. Things kind of stabilized, and I made an appointment with a marriage counselor. we saw her, but he didn't like her. On the way home , he told me that he wanted to do a formal separation agreement and move out- and yet, he still stayed in the room he had made up for himself in the basement.

A few days later, I was out walking with my kids, ( he had gone out, as he does most evenings) and we walked by a house, which turned out to be hers, and he was in her driveway talking to her and some other guy. The kids saw him, and went running up to him calling "daddy"! It was horrible! I asked him if this meant that things were definitely over, and he said yes, but he asked if he could walk home with me and talk. I called him some rude names, he got angry and said that "even though we aren't together, you won't let me have any"friends" ( friends, sure, I just bet that's what she is) . He asked if he could come by the next day to talk, and I said in the afternoon, and to bring some coffee. He did, and we talked a lot, he told me that I was too controlling, never did what he wanted to, that there was never enough money, and a whole bunch of other things that seemed to be merely ways of justifying what he was doing.He did agree to try a different counselor, and then left for the night.

The next morning, he came back really early ( we had to take our oldest daughter to a city in the neighboring province for a medical appointment at the children's hospital), and he told me that he wanted to move back into the basement, but still wanted a separation agreement, as he is due to be deployed in early November for seven months, and says things won't be fixed by then. We drove our kids to the appointment, and he had the music blasting the whole time, which made talking impossible. When we got home, he made some remark about how " I guess the only way we don't fight is if we don't talk", and that he was going out again for the night. He told me that since we aren't "together", I have no right to know where he is, even though he took our vehicle and left no number in case of emergency.


The next day when he got home, he asked if we could talk ( I didn't want to, as it was really hot, and I had just gotten back from walking three miles there and back with our three kids and our neighbor's daughter to the store to get our daughter's new prescription filled and some groceries- he was ticked, as he said when he got back no one was home, and there was no note, and he had told us he could take us to the store- I'm sorry, but it was supposed to get really hot that day and I just wanted to be out of the house) . All of a sudden, he wants to have a cellphone so I could reach him if there was an "emergency" ( but he won't leave a number where he can be reached if there is an emergency- that would be "controlling" him), and a bunch of other crap. He then went on to tell me that most married people don't tell their spouses where they are going if they are going out for a few hours ( apparently, he took exception to having to give me the phone number of the poker buddies house that he would go to to play cards sometimes when he was going to be out for about six or seven hours).

I was so ticked that I called my mom and dad's to gripe to them- my mom told me not to get drawn into any arguments with him, but just nod and say " I see" when he talks- that will throw him, as he really is just looking to argue. I called a friend for coffee, and we made plans to go out the next evening, and I asked him if he could stay at home to watch the kids ( which he hasn't done in a long time) . he said that was fine, and at about midnight, he told me that it was too hot and he was going out for a walk- he came back the next morning at eleven ( I can just guess where he walked to) .


this all brings me to tonight, when I was really looking forward to going out for coffee with my friend to somewhere with air conditioning ( it been 33 degrees Celsius the past few days- hot, hot, HOT!- I took the kids to the local pool this afternoon, so they could cool off and have some fun) , and at supper ( he still eats supper with us, which I cook- he does nothing to help out around the house- he is almost always either out or in the basement on facebook or the internet) he asked me if I was still going out, because he had been invited to a get together with people from the platoon he used to work with and he wanted to go. I was so angry! My friend called, and we went out, after hearing all about how he thought that we could work something out where we could both go out ( I could go and get a coffee, bring it home and sit in the house with my friend to drink it so he could go out- it almost 40degrees Celsius in the house and not much cooler outside, and I'd have the kids climbing all over me- I just wanted a few hours out with a friend, which I do maybe three or four times a month, if that- he's been going out every night lately). I kind of caved, and came home after an hour, and he went out to the get together-it's after one in the morning now, and he's still out) .


Am I crazy or what? this is so unlike him. he spends very little time with our kids, goes out almost every night, and does nothing t all to help out. The only thing that I can see that he has done to try and work on things is agree to go to this new counselor, but nothing else. Is it just me, or has he turned into an irresponsible ***? Even so, I still love the guy ( right now, I don't know why) and would be willing to work on things. he seems to be considering this some kind of "second teenage hood"- he's 37, and we have been married for 13 years.

I've got half a mind to report him to the base padre and let things settle where they may, but i can't bring myself to do it.
Am I nuts?
( sorry this was so long, and so many mistakes in grammar, spelling, etc.- but i just had to get it all out-I thank any and all responses!

frozensprouts,

Welcome to SYMC. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

I'm wondering if your reason for talking with the base padre is because you want your H to feel the consequences of his actions or if you want to save your marriage? How much support do you have? Friends? Family? What about your H's family?

You are not crazy, at least for feeling angry and upset about your H's actions. You are not crazy for wanting to save you marriage. The military has been through this before. I think it is important to get help.

What about the meeting with a counselor? Has that happened yet?

Most importantly, are you taking care of yourself? How are the kids doing? Make sure you are getting some sleep and eating well.

HoFS