Couldn't have done it without you, Loui

All I could think about on the treadmill last night was "Loui's gonna be proud of me!"

I was defintiely much, much, much calmer dealing with him this way. It was almost like a "DUH" moment for me. Well, gosh darn it, this is what Loui has been with me for for the past 2 or 3 months. This IS easier, on me, and on the relationship! DUH!

It was also very nice when he apologized this morning and told me how he felt.

All in all... much easier.

So I guess this is what you've been trying to tell me all along??

Sorry I've been MIA for a bit. I was pretty sick last week, and am actually still getting over whatever I had...

A quick update... hubby was helpful while I was sick. This past weekend he was actually pretty affectionate for some reason. Bought me a new cell phone (gave me HIS credit for a new one... that's bizarre, usually hubby gets "jealous" if I have a nicer anything than him. Now I have the "nicer" phone). We had a good weekend.

Today seems like he might be gearing up for another melt down. *sigh*

He signs online and tells me he left work because he was having a "bad f'ing day" and that he was "having issues" all morning and was "vomiting and all worked up". All of this is code for "hubby is having a break down". He never comes out and says it... he "baits" me into asking him what is wrong, etc, and then uses the opening as an opportunity to unload on me.

So, I didn't engage him at all.

Usually, I am all "oh, what is wrong, why are you sick, blah blah blah" when he starts this...

That's what he wants. Me to "baby" him-- he makes these vague comments about vomiting, being sick, blah blah blah... which inevitably turns into me asking him why-- and then him unloading on me.

He keeps trying to bait me. I'm half way ignoring him, and half way only responding but not asking "why" or expressing any sort of "concern". If he wants to talk like an adult, great... I'm not engaging in this game of silliness whereby he he tells me how "sick" he is, and then when I come to his "rescue" he unloads on me and tells me how it is all my fault.

I'm SURE that this one has something to do with Valentines day this weekend. He tends to have meltdowns around big occasions like that because he tells me he has a "hard time" doing anything for them, etc, because he "just doesn't feel it" and they "just don't mean anything to him anymore" blah blah blah. Quite frankly, I think it is more his own guilt over essentially doing nothing over the past however many years for occasions such as this... combined with an impending sense of guilt because he's done just about nothing recently for any sort of occasion... and he knows it... so he has to find a way to turn it around and blame it on me.

But that's my opinion.

So, I got up and walked away from my computer for awhile... ate lunch. When he keeps telling me (over and over and over and over... just in different words) that he's having "issues", I just reply with "ah" or "I see", something like that. That's all. If I even reply at all. Sometimes I just outright ignore them.

Its amazing how much he just keeps trying to get to me and get me to break and engage in his self-destructiveness...

He just told me he's going to go back to counseling... (?!?!). We'll see if he actually DOES or if this is just one of those things he says when he's in one of those moods. He said "he isn't getting any better and feels like **** at certain parts of the year, no matter what he does, and it never gets better". Hmmm....

Amusing:

So, I hadn't talked to hubby in a few hours. He was "online" but wasn't talking to me. I was OK with that. Wasn't going to engage while he's busy sulking and throwing a pity party... ya know?

Then he IMed me after a few hours and said "I can't get ANYTHING done today" Then... "oops".

He said he didn't mean to send it to me... mean to send it to someone else (a male friend of his that he doesn't even work with... so I'm not sure that it even makes sense to send that to him, but whatever). I find that a bit hard to believe, seeing as "accidentally" sending it to me would involve not only clicking on the wrong name (and mine is the only name in a separate category on his instant messenger), but then typing a message and sending it still not realizing. Could happen, but I think it was more likely him again trying to "engage" me without really making it seem like he wanted to engage (that ego is a tricky thing...).. so he pulled the "oops, I didn't mean to send that to you, even though I really did just to see if you were there because I don't know how to start a conversation with you" thing.

So, after that, he continues the conversation (another reason I don't think it was an "accident"), says he doesn't want to go to the gym, would rather go to the bar, but he has a bar at home so he doesn't need to go out (I ignore this). Then later says "he might just want to be alone tonight, and he'll let me know" (again, no reply). Melodrama anyone?

Another thing I thought of... last night he dropped off a birthday card to a buddy of his... who informed him that his wife is pregnant with their first child. For some reason, this really seemed to bother hubby. This is one of his best childhood friends-- maybe it bothers him that his buddy is moving on in life while he's "stuck" behind. I dunno. It was almost like an immediate turn in his mood after we left his friend's house (we literally stopped by for 5 minutes to drop off the card). Another interesting thought. Hmm..

I predict a rough night ahead. *sigh*. I really don't have the energy for this tonight... I'm still not feeling that well. And I don't even know what set him off this time... lord knows.

Evening went OK. I got home, hubby was in his pajamas, drinking, and playing video games. So, I started dinner... he ate dinner, and then went in the living room to watch TV while I cleaned up (I'm still not feeling that good, remember...)... so after I had cleaned up, I laid down on the couch with a book... and fell asleep. When I woke up, he decided he was going to play video games again... and without even asking me (usually he'll ask if I mind if he plays video games, since it takes up the TV)... he turns on his video games again, and starts playing with a friend online.

He didn't even bother to ask me if I wanted to play, even though 2 of the games he was playing he knows I like to play too.

So I sat through one of the games, waiting to see if he was going to ask if I wanted to play... when he started the second one without even acknowledging me (but still got up to get another beer...), I got up and went upstairs and did some reasearch for work on our upstairs computer for an hour or so with a cup of tea.

I didn't have the energy to leave the house last night, I was exhausted and not feeling well. It was easy to ignore him because I just didn't have the energy to do ANYTHING last night.

I was quite annoyed that he was too pre-occupied with his own pity party to even so much as step back and realize how much I felt like crap (and not because of him, but because I am starting to think I have the avian flu or something...)...

We went to bed early... he didn't say much, and again put himself in the very corner of the bed, as far away from me as possible. I fell asleep almost immediately, but woke myself up coughing several times over the course of the night.

This morning, he acted like nothing happened again. I came in the bathroom, and was greeted with a cheery "hi babe, how are you feeling?".

Bah. I wanted to club him. (the answer is... not a whole lot better. This is an entire week of being sick now and I'm getting a little tired of it!).

He was all cheery and happy this morning, and didn't mention anything at all about his meltdown the day prior.

So not sure if I did "good"... I didn't have the energy to do ANYTHING at all. I thought about calling up a friend to get coffee, but I honestly just didn't have the energy to make myself presentable, drive to the coffee house, and keep myself awake to be reasonable company.

Maybe I have mono. Bah.

Hellooooo?? Hellooooo???

*bunny's big ears turn and await reply*

Well-- thus far today, hubby has pretty much ignored me. He said he'd sign online and "check in" later when he left this morning, but hasn't yet. He did send me a text that asked if I had gone to the fiscal office at work again (I am in a battle with them over $300 that I am due in reimbursement...). I told him I had emailed them again yesterday (I had)...

I'm not sure why he texted me about that. When I told him I emailed them yesterday, he just said "K" and that was it.

His distance today makes me think he's still angry with me (for what, lord knows. He has absolutely NO REASON to be mad at me. I've done nothing. Literally.)

He's supposed to make dinner tonight. We'll see. I know he has a friend from out of town (that is a bit of a wild-child) in town-- from snooping in his text messages... so I wouldn't be half surprised if he ditched me to go hang out with this guy tonight. The last time he was "mad" at me and went to hang with this guy he left his cell phone in the car, didn't call when he said he would, didn't come home when he said he would... and when he did come home (at 2 am!), he had been at a strip club all night.

Needless to say, I'm not a huge fan of this guy. Then again, it was hubby that chose to do that... (that was probably a year ago...).

We'll see how tonight goes. I'm so exhausted. I don't have much fight in me for this. I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Good because you can't screw much up if you aren't doing ANYTHING, bad because maybe I should be a tad bit more proactive about this.

It does annoy me quite a bit that he was all cheery this morning as if nothing happened. What the heck. No mention of it. He just thinks he can behave like this and then the next day when he's "over it" I should be too....

Oh, nice... just got another text from him... it is a picture of a really weird valentine's day stuffed animal that apparently his co-worker got... it is funny looking. But what the heck.

I don't get the mood swings.

Loui? You out there? Anyone?

And-- Loui, I'm really sorry about your situation, and I totally understand if you've got your own stuff to tend to and don't have time for me. Not that I know you personally at all... but, if there's anything at all I can do... let me know... I will. I definitely owe you-- you've been tough on me when I needed it (even if I was a little cranky and not so appreciative at the time...)-- and given support when I needed that too.

You've truly been an internet godsend. I've made more progress in the past 3 months or so than I did in a year prior. And I truly attribute a lot of that to your guidance. THANK YOU. I can't say it enough.

So, if there's anything I can do, please let me know. If you want my personal email, I can post it here (then erase once you've got it). I'm truly sorry, Loui-- and I hope things turn around for you!

Hey Bunny..

Thank you for the offer. Thursday I worked basically for free for the company getting last minute things done. I offered to work for him for cash one day a week until he either gets the company back on its feet (which he's hoping to do so by April-May) or if I get a new job first.

we finished up our taxes thursday as well

Friday I took D18 (and her sister) for a tour of her new college, which is about 90 mins from here and spent most of yesterday online figuring out what needs to be done now that we've paid her admissions deposit.

We visited relatives over the weekend and I spent yesterday updating my resume and today applying for jobs. Tomorrow is an appt at the atty's office concerning crapola my exH is wanting concerning CS & alimony. Thats another huge thing going on right now, so yeah.. I'm not really concentrating on much very well right now...

I'm thinking for you.. really the best idea is to not engage. No matter how difficult for you it might be and whenever he mentions maybe going for counseling... be very enthusiastic on how much you think individual counseling will help him sort things out.

And don't be afraid to tell him that you wish he would ask you to join him when he plays video games. He may have thought you were too tired or didn't want to join him since you were so non communicative earlier. So if you do bring it up.. don't do it in a punishing I'm angry that you didn't.. do it more in the gee.. next time I'd really like it if you did.

Just keep doing the things we've talked about that keep you from being engaged in his melt downs and passive aggressive behaviors.

I will be sporadic for the next couple of weeks.. so don't fear. Just keep posting and I'll be back.

Loui

OK, quick vent.

Yesterday my mom sent me a Valentine's day card in the mail. It was addressed to just me. This bothered hubby. He was bothered that every time my mom sends a holiday card, it is just for me and not for "us". His family usually addresses it to both of us.

Well, I tend to agree with hubby that it is a little bizarre. In all truthfulness, my mom has never been a huge fan of hubby-- and actually encouraged me to leave him, etc, when all of the A stuff first started.

Well, so I tell her this, and at first she says "she didn't mean anything by and and to tell him she was sorry". So I did- figured it was over.

Well, as I've said before, my mom is a drama queen. It's not over.

Hours later, I get a call, she's in tears, all in full out drama-mode. She wants to know why if hubby and his dad can have a one-on-one relationship why we can't (me and her). She wants to know if when hubby and his dad goes golfing, if I go too, and since I don't, its not fair that she can't send only me a card. (I don't get the logic here- AT ALL- but whatever. I'm sure if I enjoyed golfing... or heck, even COULD golf, hubby and his dad would invite me. But I can't hit the ball! Not to mention, that is an ACTIVITY. And his dad lives 3000 miles away from us, not 20 like she does-- even tho she lives so close she hasn't been to our house in well over 6 months. And never invites us out. And calls me about once a month, if that. But all of this is beyond her).

So, she's in hysterics, drama mode, accusing me of not caring about her, blah blah blah, all because she wanted to send ME and ONLY ME a Valentine's day card. And that I don't care what she does for me, blah blah blah, she just won't send me anything anymore.

Well, I've been really stressed out with work recently. I told my mom this, very matter-of-fact. That I'm really busy with work (she called me while I was at work to have hysterics with me!)... and that I really don't have time for this right now (OK, I said "I don't have time for drama right now". Probably shouldn't have phrased it that way. Ooops. I have a short fuse for drama anymore with all of this stuff going on).

She retorts: "You and hubby are all about drama". (I don't talk to her at all about what goes on with us. She has no idea. We are two peas in a pod, for all she knows. I hardly talk to her at all because this is what happens...).

I just said, "I don't have time for this" and hung up.

So, I tell hubby about this. (and when he brought it up last night, I said that I agreed with him from the get-go, and I actually do. I do think it is weird that my mom refuses to acknowledge him or our marriage. Its very passive aggressive).

I thought maybe he'd be happy I "stuck up" for him. Well, instead I just got read the riot act from him too. About how it just "adds" to his feelings for this time of year (ignored that comment-- its not just "this time of year". Its all times of year). I asked him to please not hold me responsible or be mad at me about other people's actions that I can't control.

He goes on and on... essentially making it all sound like it is all my fault. I told him that I agreed with him again-- and told him that was why I brought it up with my mom, and that I felt like I was in the middle now, even though in reality I wasn't in the middle... I was ON HIS SIDE! But it was like he was not "taking" that I was on his side and was trying to SHOVE me back in the middle.

AHHH!! I CAN'T TAKE THE DRAMA!

One of the things that attracted me to hubby way back when was that the he always sympathized with me when my family was being insane (and by family, I mainly mean my mom). Now, its like I get persecuted for THEIR mistakes/failings now too. There's no sympathy. I just pay for their mistakes too.

And there's no talking to my mom logically. Logic isn't in her vocabulary. She's a drama-queen extraordinary. Have you ever seen the show "everyone loves Raymond"? Think about the mother on that show... if you have. That's my mom. Dramatic and selfish.

I try to do the right thing, what I believe in, and somehow EVERYONE ends up mad at me. What the heck. I can't win. Mom is mad at me, so is hubby. And I did nothing wrong!

Bah.

I removed myself from everyone's drama. Haven't talked to mom again (I'm sure I'll get more messages though. She's probably calling my brother now and telling him how horrible I am. That's what she usually does.) And I told hubby that I was busy at work and needed to finish writing a section of the grant so that I could get out of work at a reasonable time (all true) and ended the conversation with him before he got too worked up.

I can't win!

Of course they're unhappy. You calmly told them, with words and actions, that "Really, I know you want to lean on me to provide support to your shaky sense of self-worth. But I'm just supporting my own weight, here. I'm happy to be close to you -- supporting my own weight. Not yours, since that's what your legs are actually for. I do love you, though."

You go girl. Keep this up and everyone might turn into grownups!

Thanks, Just_J!

Quick share:

Hubby sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers at my work today for valentines day! Roses, lillies, and carnations... in a red vase.


We usually don't get each other present for Valentines day, but this year I got him a cute V-day themed bag and filled it with some of his favorite candy, and bought him a "Superbowl Champions Steelers" T-shirt. And he planned dinner out for us tomorrow night

He was also exceptionally snuggly in bed this morning...

Yay!

quote:

Hubby sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers

I'm so envious.
My H got me..... Nothing! And then when I gave him his favourite lollies he went to the cupboard and wrapped up a couple of chocolate bars that were already in there and presented them to me...
Sometimes I just don't know what goes through his head.

awww... sorry Mags. I know how that feels. Two years in a row (prior to my A) hubby didn't get me anything at all for my birthday He was also out of town for the vast majority of V-day's... I was lucky if I got a phone call... I hated that... really makes you feel crappy, eh?

He did much better this V-day

We went to a super fancy restaurant on top of a mountain which has a beautiful view of our city. Very romantic! Then, he took me to a comedy show to see one of our favorite comedians... very funny! I had tears in my eyes, it was so funny, we had a blast.

He got me a card, and apparently a present which didn't come in the mail in time for Saturday (actually, I think he was a little embarrassed when he saw I got him (small) presents and felt the need to quickly order something off the internet... and then say it didn't come in time... but that's OK. And I told him (and meant!) that I didn't expect any "presents"-- that the flowers at work and the evening was MORE than enough!

We went out for a drink and snack after the show, and then came home and had um, another "after dinner" treat.

Overall, I was thrilled

Sunday I made him homemade lasagna (one of his favs...)--- takes me forever to make because I make EVERYTHING from scratch... the noodles, the sauce from tomatoes (that I froze from this summer's harvest...)... whole nine yards. But he loves it. And I made him cookies for dessert. And we played video games together for awhile, and snuggled.

It was definitely a nice weekend

Hey Bunny..

Im so glad you got a nice valentines day acknowledgement!

Mags.. Maybe you should be an honorary member of D20's group of friends who every year celebrate what they loosely call "The I hate valentines day celebration". They've been doing that since HS..

Joe and I don't do much really.. small box of chocolate and a card is more than enough for me. I never celebrated it when I was married because its not really anything "jewish" and exH considered it a hallmark holiday.

Besides.. me b-day is right around the corner.. I'd rather that be acknowledged. Of course since I do have a twin brother, thats usually not a problem. ... Well...Except on the years we forget to send each other something and have to call to apologize...

Loui

Wow that is a lovely weekend bunny! I'm so happy for you
Yeah H doesn't do birthdays either. Of which I should probably be grateful. Given that the last birthday present I got resulted in me waiting at the train station for an hour while he shopped for it - apparently he got there on time and then realised it was my birthday so decided to 'quickly grab' something while i sat around wondering where he was Some days I feel like I'm on everybody loves raymond.

Yes Louie I think I'll be quite happy to join that celebration! Sandy and I are starting our own (senior?) version...!

I felt like I was always stopping here when things were bad... so I figure maybe I should stop here and update when things are peaceful and good too

I'm happy to report we've only had 1.5 meltdowns since 2009. One fairly major one (which I handled adeptly-- and got a standing ovation from Loui!), and one minor one. I remember a little over a year ago when I thought it was good when we made it 3 or 4 days without a melt down. Now we've only had 1.5 in 3 months! Wow!

This past weekend was good. Hubby has really calmed down recently. Things have been going really well (knock on wood!).

We leave this Thursday for a 12 day vacation. I'm excited! It will be nice to get away-- just the two of us-- for awhile.

Anyways, just wanted to stop in with a quick update! Thanks again everyone, esp. Loui!

YAY! I'm so glad things are going smoother.. keep up the good work you!

ooww.. a vacation.. a 12 day vacation. I'm Jealous!!!!

oh wait.. I'm unemployed.. everyday is a vacation

but that may yet change..my exboss is working like a dog to reopen the company. Keep the fingers crossed..maybe by the time you get home, I'll be back at my desk!!

Loui

Opinion:

Hubby and I got into a "heated discussion"... although I kept my cool

Hubby wants this stupid exhaust and shifter for his car. He's keeps bringing it up and dropping it into conversations.

So there's a bit of a back story on hubby's car. The story is that when things were bad between us, BEFORE I had moved out of the house, he was in an accident where his car was totaled. He then went out, and WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME, bought a brand new car (actually bought it, picked it up 3 days later, and didn't say ANYTHING in between)... a 35,000 dollar car. To give you an idea, this is MORE than 1/3 of the cost of our HOUSE. At the time, it was HALF of our yearly income. I just came home from work one day and it was in the garage.

Needless to say, I was a bit peeved. Honestly, I used it at the time as a "straw that broke the camel's back" kinda thing to "move out". It was egregious that he made such a huge financial decision without even TELLING me... and while he was trying to "save" our M. I moved out shortly later (2 weeks or so). I thought buying that much car was RIDICULOUS and selfish.

Eventually I came to terms with the car. Cars are important to hubby. At first, I said I wouldn't move home unless he sold it. Then I changed my mind, because we'd probably lose $$ doing that-- plus, cars are important to him and he SWORE up and down it was exactly what he wanted and he didn't need to modify it or do anything to it... he was happy with it the way it was.

Back to now... he keeps dropping hints about this exhaust.

Today he tells me its on sale for "$200 off". (it is over $400). He wants to spend "his" money on it (by his money, he means "ours". He refuses to have a joint account, even though I hate that arrangement).

Well, I finally told him how I felt about it. I told him that I don't agree with spending that much of OUR money on it... and that this was something he specifically said he wasn't going to do.

I told him that I would compromise, and that if it was something he wanted for his birthday or Christmas, etc, that I would get it for him for that. Because that is for stuff that HE wants that I don't want.

Well, he keeps pushing the issue, saying that he doesn't see the difference if he saves up some of "his" money and spends it on it.

I say, that $$ could be used for something we BOTH want.

He objects, saying "what, now every time we want to spend money we both have to agree?"

I said no, but if it is that much $$$, then yes. And if we don't agree, then it can be a present.

Keep in mind, he just bought himself a PS3 recently, and a big screen TV for upstairs... that is for both of us, but HE was the one that wanted it... I was fine with the TV that was already up there. And also, he's taking a $500 dollar golf trip in May with his buddies. Its not like I'm a financial tight-wad or he never gets what he wants... I feel like he's being a bit unreasonable here.

Not to mention, he specifically SAID he wasn't going to do this, 3 years ago. When I mentioned that he said "things change" and tried to change what he said to "he wasn't going to do anything to the car until the warranty was up" (that is NOT what was said, although he was trying to sell it as if it was).

I'm not happy about this. All of this took place on instant messenger (I'm at work, he's at home). He started to get all worked up, I said it is a moot point right now, we can discuss later, and that my view point is not going to change. He got all mad and started with "whatever" and "well you just resent my car" and other random things.

I told him it was time to eat lunch, and haven't responded to him since.

Am I being unreasonable? I really don't think I am. First off, he specifically said he wasn't going to do this (I know that for a fact, he is changing what he said now)... this is a lot of $$$ we are talking about (at least $500 probably, all said and done)... and I think it is frivilous and unnecessary (it is... its just to add more "horsepower" to a car that really doesn't need anymore "horsepower" to begin with).

All of this stems from the fact that his (single) buddy got the same car as him, and has dumped probably about 10K into modifying it to make it a racing car. And now hubby wants to do the same too. Except this guy is single, lives with 3 other guys in a small apartment.

Keep in mind, we leave tomorrow for CO. Bah. I don't want this to overshadow our trip, but I'm not backing down. I think my compromise is a good one... I'm not saying "you can never ever have it, EVER!"... I'm saying, if you want it for a birthday, then fine. But spending OUR money on I don't agree with. But he's pitching a fit saying if it is all "our" money it doesn't matter if HE buys it now, or if I buy it for his birthday. I see his point, but it is still the principle of it. Plus, if HE buys it for himself now, you better bet I'd still have to get a birthday present for him--- so there is a difference. (He'd say, "you don't have to get a present" but he'd still expect one, and I'd feel guilty not getting one).

ETA: I have also repeatedly tried to get hubby to agree to a "budget". He refuses to combine accounts. I said, fine, we'll figure out who pays what bills, etc etc... figure out a allowance for entertainment for the two of us, and an allowance for our own personal stuff... if you want to spend yours on magic beans each month, then fine, I won't say a word. But he refuses.

Honestly I think this is because he KNOWS darned well that he spends FAR more money each month on HIMSELF and SOLELY himself than I do. During the summer, he spends at least $40 a WEEK golfing-- HIMSELF. Not to mention, golf balls, new golf clubs (there's always one he really "needs"), other golf gear, etc... oh, and he loves video games, blows thru a video game (at least $50) every 2 weeks or so. And all of this isn't counting the other random stuff he buys himself. He rarely buys me ANYTHING. And honestly, I rarely buy MYSELF anything.

So, I've offered other methods of dealing with this, and he's refused all around. I've suggested the "allowance" for both of us several times... he has refused, etc, many times. If we had that method, and he wanted the exhaust, then he could just budget from his allowance (but then he'd have to skip golf, etc to save that $$$... which he doesn't want to do, so that's why he refuses the allowance/budget idea).

Help me! I feel like he just wants it HIS way, and isn't being considerate at all. He wants what he wants, and he's going to throw a fit unless he gets it. This isn't the first time things like this have come up. Usually I just give in and let him get what he wants-- to avoid exactly this. But this one is a little more "important" to me because he did PROMISE that he wasn't going to do this. He did. I know I'm not mis-remembering now. He's just changing what he said. This is getting a bit out of hand at this point.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bunny,

Now he's not talking to me. Honestly. My lord. He's still being all salty with me.

I want to emphasize, I was ENTIRELY respectful, stated my opinion on it, offered my compromise, didn't respond AT ALL when he started with "whatever" and "you just resent my car" blah blah blah... trying to bait me into an argument over it. I didn't lose my cool. Its a bit easier over instant messenger because you have to type it out, and press send... so you have a second to "think" before you press send. I was very careful. He still lost it.

Although he was in a bad mood last night too. Not sure why. I sort of avoided him. He seemed like he was looking for a fight most of yesterday too.

Arg. I was thinking that maybe I should tell him we are tabling the issue until we come back from CO, and we can have a "budget" discussion when we come back, after we see the damage we do in CO. I don't want to get in a knock-down drag out argument about it tonight, and don't want to discuss it on vacation... its not critical. But it does need to be discussed. Because we keep having issues like this... and I keep feeling resentful of all the $$$ he spends on himself when I feel like I'm trying to save all the $$$ I have in our savings account and not spending on myself. But I've brought this up before, and he just brushes it aside, and nothing changes. Or he insists that nothing needs to change.

Bah. I feel like he's really being inconsiderate of me and my feelings. Especially to get MAD at me over it. HE'S breaking HIS word, HE wants to spend all this money on HIMSELF (on top of other stuff), I respectfully disagree... and he gets mad at me? He even tossed out "well, I guess we just have to agree to disagree here"... um... no. This isn't one of those things you can "agree to disagree" on. He meant it as in, he thinks its perfectly acceptable, so he's gonna do it, and I disagree, but that's OK too, because we "agreed to disagree". WTF? You can agree to disagree on opinions, etc... but not on $$$. Its either you spend it or you don't. There isn't really an "in between". And I STILl think my compromise was MORE than accommodating, seeing as he PROMISED he WAS NOT going to do this, EVER.

I have this nagging in the back of my head though that he ALREADY BOUGHT IT, and this is his way of "informing" me of it and he thought that maybe I'd just cave again, so he went ahead and did it, and now he's getting all mad because he realizes I'm not going to and I'm going to be upset when it comes. I could be jumping the gun there, but its happened before.

Hmmm... thoughts? Do I say that we are tabling it until we come back? I have a feeling he'll "agree" then "sulk" about it to make it clear he's still not happy. (BTW, his birthday is in September, so its not like it is THAT far away. AND, he'll invalidate the warranty on his car if he does this... which isn't up yet. He still has another ~8K miles before it is up. So, if I got it in September, it would be CLOSER to when the warranty is up. To me, its even MORE silly to NULLIFY the warranty on your car to add more horsepower-- and spend $$$ to do it.

Is it me? I really need some thoughts here. I really don't think I'm being unreasonable... am I?

I don't think you are. But maybe thats because my attitude to money seems quite similar to yours - his obviously isn't. How to solve it though... that I don't know!
But if you do agree to get it as an early birthday present (maybe compromise and get it when the warranty is over?) - then don't get him another one just because you feel guilty or he sulks. If you agree on something, then where it's within your control, stick to it.

He has about another 8,000 miles until his warranty is up... so that'd be about the time of his birthday anyways (September). Just an estimation. I really think I'm gonna stick to my guns on this one. Birthday or Christmas, fine. But that's it. Part of it is that it is a lot of $$$ to just spend on himself without mutual agreement... and part of it is, he did promise he wasn't going to do this. So, for a birthday present is ALREADY a compromise for me. Ya know?

And yes, Mags, his attitude about $$$ is much different than mine. That is probably because he was raised in a very wealthy household where he got whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I on the other hand was raised in a low-middle class household. We weren't "poor" but we certainly couldn't afford even a quarter of what he had growing up. Its translated into a "need" for him to have a lot of things I really don't see a "need" for. We personally are not in debt, etc. But, I think that we could be doing better financially too. Its like anytime the savings account reaches a certain amount, it burns a hole in his pocket and he runs out and has to buy something big. I work for several months to build it back up... and BAM the same thing happens again. We honestly don't even have enough in the savings account for one whole month's expenses-- and I know you are "supposed" to have a lot more than that. Its just a different philosophy... and I've tried to be accommodating, but don't feel he does the same in reverse. Just this year, he's bought a big screen TV, a PS3, and booked a $500 golf trip for himself (that's not including food, travel expenses, etc etc, so it will be well more than that). Not to mention, just LAST NIGHT, he went and bought another $60 video game. Not a lot of $$$, but he does this a lot, and it adds up. I'm not a tightwad, but I feel like we'd be in MAJOR debt if I adopted HIS spending habits. He takes advantage of my "savings" habits to SPEND MORE on himself. Not fair. I pay, he plays.

I didn't bring it up at all last night, and neither did he. I am letting it die until we come back from vacay (we leave tonight, yay!).

I got home, and he was in a bad mood, and was playing video games and drinking beer (rough day... that's what he did all day yesterday...). I watched him play the last set of his video game, against someone else (a stranger) online. When he lost at the last second, he threw the controller, and yelled and swore at the game. Sigh. I didn't say anything.

We had had plans to go out to eat since we have no food in our house because I didn't grocery shop since we are leaving. I drove, and he got in the car and slumped down in his seat, faced away from me with his head leaning against the window and his arm up over his head. He truly looked like a little kid sulking because he got punished. It was a little ridiculous, and truthfully a bit funny (to me at least-- I was honestly picturing a sulking 7 year old in the car with me...).

I didn't try to talk to him at all.

When we got to the restaurant, after he had about 3 pepsi's in about 5 minutes and had some appetizer in him, he came to life a bit and was talkative. He wasn't exactly affectionate or happy last night, but he at least came around a bit before bedtime.

I'll try to check in while I'm out in CO. We'll see how it goes. Usually vacays are a lot of fun, and he's like a different person. We'll see.