Figured I'd give a quick update: New with me--

1. Have been spending a lot of time recently with my newfound girlfriends. This- in and of itself- has been a huge, huge thing in my life. Most of them I met through book club. Most of them are like me-- married, in serious relationships (a few are single)-- professional people. No kids for anyone, and all about my age range. They're in my boat. Its a lot of fun, and gives me tons of things to do while hubby is out of town. SO MUCH to do, I actually starting turning a few invites here and there DOWN... just because I WANTED an evening to myself at home!

2. I got a super cute hair cut. I've always had really long hair. I went to a new salon that a friend recommended... and the guy did a WONDERFUL job wiht my hair. Its shorter, but not too short. He also put some darker tones in it, so it really has depth... It was a little pricey, so I can't afford to do it that frequently, but I really like the results!

My life has been very full-- outside of my marriage. I'm happy. Things have been calm in the marriage, for the most part. I've been speaking up more about how I feel, etc.

I'll be OK no matter what happens. If nothing else, this constant "out of town" stuff has shown me that much. I can do it on my own, and my life will be fine.

I think him being out of town a lot makes him "miss" me more and also more appreciative on the weekends. Its nice. Not sure how things will be once he's back in town all the time. He's gone again next week. And the week after. We'll see.

So far, so good. I stopped worrying so much about the marriage and am just turning the whole ordeal over to a higher power. What happens, will happen. I will do my part, I will be the best wife I can be. But I am enjoying being my own person again outside of my marriage too. I forgot what that was like.

And its splendid

Hey Bunny.. sounds like you're doing alot better. Keep up the good work on yourself. Its important.

Sorry if I'm a little quiet...my story is on the addiction board and its been a difficult week.

Keep us posted okay?

Loui

Sooo.. sweetie..

Wuz up?

Loui

Hmmm... not a whole lot, Loui!

Things have been a lot calmer, and I've been incredibly busy filling my life with things I love. He's been home the past few weeks, and-- gasp-- things have been GOOD. Not just calm, but GOOD. I'm still spending time with the new group of women I found through the book club... and having a blast. I think that in and of itself has made a huge difference in my life and in our relationship.

This past weekend I was in a friend's wedding as a bridesmaid. I figured he was going to sulk/be unhappy/etc... because the day was about ME (well, not really, its about the bride, but from his perspective its about ME and NOT him, ya know?). Usually he ends up sulky/upset/etc on days like that. I was a bit on edge, I'll admit. I was waiting for it to unravel. But it never did-- he was pleasant, and dare I say... considerate-- he seemed happy-- FOR ME! That was a new feeling for me. I was always upset that it never felt like he could just be happy- for me. That it had to turn into a "competition" or something. But it wasn't that way this time, at all. He stepped into my shadow for the day, without a hint of sulking/acting out. I of course, was elated... and did everything I could to make sure to include him, and thanked him for being so considerate and nice. Wow! What a change.

Today is hubby's birthday, actually. Happy birthday hubby! We had a birthday party at the house for him yesterday that went really well. It was a lot of fun, although it rained all day so we were all stuck in my house instead of being able to go out and enjoy the deck and the yard.

Don't want to curse things, but it seems that things are "clicking" more recently. We'll see. Last year he had a major melt down on Sept 15th because that happens to be OM's birthday... which hubby knows. So we'll see what happens then since that's only a week away.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bunny,

I'm glad things are getting better... maybe the less you focus on him and the more you focus on you the better things will get? hmmm.. seems I remember that from somewhere..

Keep us posted..

Loui

Loui.... are you suggesting you've been telling me this for the past year... and it just took me this long to "get it"?

I think I just had to go out and DO IT, before I could GET IT. On a mental level, I couldn't "GET IT". So I went through the motions-- without understanding WHY. I didn't "get it".

But I think I slowly got it over the past few months. There was never a "light bulb" moment. It was just slow n' steady.

Now I "get it". It seems obvious now that I'm standing on the other side.

And the best part of it all-- I feel like a part of me is back that I lost quite a few years ago. I used to be this hyper, talkative, non-stop, always on the go, upbeat kinda person. And somewhere along the line, I lost that. And without really trying, somehow that person has returned-- which has really made my self-confidence go up. Which has helped with setting and maintaining boundaries for how others treat me. Well-- its just brought back everything I had lost years ago.

And I think that hyper, talkative, confident, upbeat person might have been the person my H fell in love with years ago. Not so much the bitter, petty, over-emotional person I had become. (who would have guessed?).

Its been a long journey. And I definitely didn't take 'the short route'. I stopped and looked at the scenery, I would take a few steps back, take a "shortcut" that just ended up putting me back further, etc etc. But I'm on the other side of the mountain now-- at least I feel like I am.

But all of this is a journey, not a destination. I'm still on my journey. Just on a much better path

And I couldn't have done it without all of you-- especially you, Loui

I don't know what you are talking about.. ah hem
I am SO happy to hear you sounding like you do..

and what journey is worth taking if you don't stop and smell the roses.. and fall down a few times along the way??

Keep doing what you are doing it sounds wonderful.

Now...I think I need to go on a little journey of my own... its been a dreadful month and I took exSO's death rather hard, but I'm finally coming out of it. This weekend Joe and I are celebrating our 3rd year together and all is well.

Don't be a stranger, come and say hello occasionally, keep us posted!!

Loui

Well.... today's Sept 15th... OM's birthday.

And the only reason I even remotely remember that is because I woke up on eggshells this morning (and was on them last night) in fear of H's reaction.

Last night, H sent me a text about how he's "in terrible shape".

Immediately, my mind went to "oh no, he's complaining again, here we go again!". As we all know, his "meltdowns" are usually tied to significant A dates.

But I didn't assume, and gave him a chance to explain.

And good thing! Here, he was refering to the fact that he was losing fantasy football....

He's out of town again this week, but so far today, he's been perfectly normal, other than a bit stressed out by work. But, interacting with me completely normally. And told me he missed me last night

He's been really good about keeping in contact while out of town too.

I don't want to curse anything... but I think we might have just made it past our first "significant" date without a meltdown?! And although I haven't asked H... I'm pretty sure he remembers. Last year he had a meltdown... and the date is the same as one of his best friend's birthdays... so I'm not sure he'd "forget". Not that I'm gonna ask, just incase he did!

I'm still a little "eggshell-y" today... but feeling better about it already

quote:

Immediately, my mind went to "oh no, he's complaining again, here we go again!". As we all know, his "meltdowns" are usually tied to significant A dates.

But I didn't assume, and gave him a chance to explain.

And good thing! Here, he was refering to the fact that he was losing fantasy football....

Glad to hear it. Well ..... not about the ff .... but about the positive improvement.



P

Hey, bunny! How's it going? Anyone home?

Hmm... its been awhile, hasn't it?

Well, not much to update everyone on. Things are still going really well. I think its been well over 3 months since hubby's last "melt down". Life is busy, life is good.

H is still traveling a lot for work- but we've worked a way to make it work for us. I'm happy with the arrangements, and honestly sometimes its nice to have the house to myself, and be able to only worry about myself. If I want to eat cereal and have a glass of wine for dinner-- well, I'll do just that!

He's been home the past 2 weeks, which have been great. We've been getting along really well, and have been having a lot of fun. I'm still very much involved with my newfound girlfriends (we went together to a birthday party for one of them this past Friday! Hubby has become friends with a few of their H's/SO's, which is nice for group "boys included" evenings.

Ummm... so yeah... not a whole lot of "new" since the last update. Although... I found this amusing the other day... H was telling me about he had this inside joke with his golfing buddy... about a golf club I got him a few years back for Xmas. Apparently when we weren't doing well, the "club wouldn't hit well and would shank everything, etc" (according to him). And when we were getting along well, it would hit really well. (He just informed me of this joke maybe a week or two ago-- I didn't know of it when things were bad).

So, apparently a few weeks ago when he was out golfing... he hit a miraculous shot that landed just inches from the pin. And his comment after that to his buddy was...

"My marriage is the best its ever been!"


And then he snuggled up to me after he told me that story.

Not a very direct way of telling me things... but I'll take it He's never really been very direct.

Life is good

I'm so very pleased Bunny...

I like the golf story.. heh.. and even better that he's hanging around with 'couples' rather than the single guys. Excellent.

See.. I knew you'd find a way...and hey.. cereal and wine is a fine food group!!

Loui

And here's the even better part (for me...).

Now when he's in a bad mood, I don't automatically assume things are gonna spiral out of control and get out my egg-shell walking shoes anymore either.

Sometimes the guy is just in a bad mood, and it has nothing to do with me. It'll pass-- I just let it go. Not a big deal. And it does pass. And my anxiety over his bad moods has greatly diminished because I don't expect every bad mood of his to spiral out of control and turn into a huge ordeal.

Sometimes he just had a bad day at work... or is hungry/tired. And I don't get all worked up about that anymore. And it doesn't turn into a "world sucks" thing for him anymore either.

Woohoo!

Sounds like things are really going well, bunny. As you look back over the last several months, can you point to pivotal things that really moved you both along? Or was it just a steady shift over a long time?

Well-- I think the #1 thing that really shifted everything is when I took responsibility for my own happiness rather than letting his moods dictate it. When I slowly started reaching out to the world again and doing things that made ME happy-- independent of him. Joining book club and finding a new group of girlfriends, etc. Doing things that made me happy. It also alleviated the stress on him that he wasn't 100% responsible for my emotional health anymore-- I could handle that myself.

I think that and his traveling- which happened to coincide with my new found activities- and he saw that I could have a very happy life without him-- and I think he did miss me when he was out of town. And I missed him, and it made both of us realize what we appreciated about each other.

I think those are the two main things.

I have one other favor to ask... I have a friend over at the MB boards that I've sent here-- who's in a similar situation as I am/was. Loui, Just J, and others... you have been SOOO instrumental in my changes... and in subsequently helping my M... when she gets around to posting, if you could help her out also... I'd greatly appreciate it. Her screen name is "Runa". I think she's hit the same wall with MB that I hit before I came here... I'll leave the rest to her...

You know, that's really cool, that you were able to find solid ground to rest your happiness on. It's hard when you're leaning against someone else for it. Hard on them and on you. It's quite an important and difficult shift you've made, you know that?

I'll watch for Runa, though I'm not around much these days. If you need to joggle my elbow and make sure I'm paying attention, feel free to e-mail me. jbare@comcast.net is the place to write to.

Same for me.. This current job (which I dislike intensely)...doesn't allow for much of any freedom like I enjoyed at my previous position..

I am really so glad you are doing so well...

loui

ps.. now that I have the 'unring'..or as Joe calls it the "will you not marry me but put up with my crap ring".. we're looking at handfasting sometime next summer..
tee hee.. who'da thunk it?

Well, congrats, Loui!

What's handfasting? I suppose I could google it...

Well Penny is probably better at this than I, but simply put it is basically an ancient tradition where three cords of color (each with a particular meaning) are used in a ceremony that binds you together and the cords are a visual symbol that are wrapped around the wrists/hands. The ceremony can be as a wedding itself or as an engagement 1 yr prior on the wedding date planned. Since I am Jewish and my girlfriend who is a Pagan Priestess was also born Jewish, she knows of a few ways to include certain aspects of judaic concepts into the ceremony. Joe and i will not be getting married by the state per se.. its more a commitment ceremony.

Loui