Honesty Assignment

The Honesty Assignment is to make six honest statements to your spouse each day. Honesty is only about you and for the most part about what you feel, as opposed to what you think. We can argue that we are honest about our opinions when we choose to share them, but they are still opinions which are negotiable. Your feelings are non negotiable, they are yours and they are completely valid.

The format for making those statements is to say, "I feel about/when ." Start with little things, really really little things. The glass left in the living room, the sox on the floor - nothing huge the first couple of weeks. The idea is to get your mouth to say that sentence. You can also practice on your kids and your pets - I talk to my cats all the time. "I'm so irritated that you guys drop your food on the floor." Of course, the beauty of pets is that they don't argue.

Also the statements you make need to be in the present or the very near past. So it can't be about watching some sports tv while you were in labor, or spending too much time on the phobe with her mom the first year you were married – 30 years ago! - that's not something that can be addressed now. And be sure to throw in some positive ones as well. (two a day is a good place to start)

Remembering to do this will be difficult at first. Find a way to remind yourself, a cryptic note on the refrigerator or mirror, or some other method that will work for you.

If your spouse gets defensive and snarly - a very normal human reaction - avoid engaging in an argument. S/he might accuse you of being controlling or telling him/her what to do. Just tell him/her that you aren't telling him/her to do anything you just want him/her to know how you feel.

Giving this information is difficult, as we talked about. Hearing it is too. So make sure that if you are the one on the receiving side of this assignment you are ready to take a deep breath and take in what you are hearing calmly and with courtesy. If you can muster nothing more than a, "Thank you for telling me that," it's perfectly alright.

If for some reason the person on the receiving end is having a bad day and really gets bent out of shape and defensive over what you have told them, don't engage in an argument. Simply say, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you or tell you what to do, I just want you to know how I feel." Take a time out if you need to – and yes it is ok to just walk away if things get heated.

These statements, unlike being demanding or rude or losing your temper feel very neutral or even less than that. It will feel to the one saying them that they have taken a step backwards in getting what they want and need in the marriage. There is no "oomph" of force behind them. Don't be misled. These few words are very powerful – this assignment is the corner stone of change in marriage. It is the key that unlocks the door to all the changes that need to occur. Once couples can give and receive this information safely, the path to exploration, negotiation and the creation of a mutually joyous and fulfilling marriage opens to them. This, along with protection when needed, is where we start.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: *Antigone Rising*,

hi this robert, ellen's husband. i have been trying to get in to post but it seems that i really have to learn how to get around. you had asked me to put down what i want out of a marrage. here it is, i want someone i can talk to ,someone i really enjoy being with, soneone that has the freedom to be honest and open about their feeling and thoughts.someone who wants to enjoy me as well. i also want the wild lover and someone that is not the same but that we do share some areas that we like.
i see that i caused ellen to fear me and that was not my intent. this new begining is a big thing and i really want to do right. i am talking to ellen and trying to set in place some safe guards if we well only use them. i feel like right now that i am fighting a ghost and ideas that are sooooooooo much bigger than i . i know that everything is so raw and her heart is still with h . i have to give her space and a time to vent and for her to tell me of the things that were so important to her. right now i have to consider how to make things lite and not to make things as heavy as they are so that it gives her a chance to give us a chance. all the feeling are trying to come out and i know that right now they have to wait. they are toooo much. well that is most of the way except the most important part . i bellieve that if two people really put the other person frist and with the help of the Lord , they should be able to get over anything and make it work. robert

robert,

Could you explain how you may have caused ellen to fear you?

Hi - I'm re-reading some of the basics. I'll be regrouping this weekend, and will try this with my W and children, and even a couple unruly Little Leaguers I'm coaching.

It has helped me in the past. Speaking quieter, and usin gfeeling statements seems to make others feel included. It has not made anything worse. Several children seemed caught off gaurd - whether it was a complementary, or slightly negative feeling. They did seem to enjoy being taken into my confidence.

Robert - It may help you to start, or re-start some activity. project, etc, that you enjoy. I like being an assistant coach, lots of activity, no paperwork! I know some of your pain, and investing in yourself does make you more valuable, and more attractive, confident, etc. Or I could be full of it : ) Anyway, you and Ellen have a great weekend.
SeekingBetter