I want to start a posting to tell me story.

It all stated last November. I started seeing someone from work who was going thru a tough divorce/separation. She was needy and what started out innocently over a cup of coffee turned into an affair. My wife found out and questioned be about it. I admitted it.. well parts of it. It took me several more months to give the details... I was afraid.. Afraid of what it would do to my marriage.

The time in between has been spent working on me, working with Penny, working with another counselor, but no working with my wife. I still feel isolated and alone. Last week I succombed and viewed some OL porn and wife wife found the evidence on my computer. She is crushed. We are back at the beginning.

I want so much to reach our to her... she has not let me into her pain... She keeps it inside and drowns it with alcohol when it hurts toos much... then it comes out... but not in a healthy way.

I have made significant progress in recovering .. I slipped... "To err is human" .. but what I did wash hurtful... I did not protect the boundaries my wife thought I was building.. I am building those boundaries and hope this lesson will give me guidance in the future.

If what Penny says is true.. "It's never too late to save a marriage".. now is when Ineed the hope to show it's light at the top of this well.

steven,

I'm sorry about the set-back. What did you succomb to? Can you list the core hurts you were experiencing?

What about your wife? When she found out, what core hurts was she feeling?

What can you do to protect your wife and develop trust? Can you get some software that prohibits connecting to these sites? Does your wife have access to all your computer accounts?

You can build again. You can learn from this experience. P is right.

HoFS

Thanks HoFS.

I succumbed to many things. I feel lost. My wife and I are together (or were til this happened) but not working on our relationship. We are sharing our friendship. I was feeling impatient with the process. Feeling lonely. Restlessness. Anxiety. I yearn for the deeper passion of love and commitment. My deepest core hurt of abandonment came rushing forward. I did not process all those feeling that night. I recognized and processed these feelings after the fact in my journaling.

As for my wife, She was trying to begin to trust me.. She watches my computer like a hawk. and has not questioned my activity until this. She is again deeply hurt. What little trust she was beginning to feel has been crushed again. She says that she loves me as a person but is not "IN LOVE" with me right now. Is she or not? How can I get thru the veil of hurt to help her answer those questions?

How do we bridge the gap? She is not willing to open up about her hurt with me - only Penny. She keeps it all inside. How can I help her to feel like trusting me? I have been an open book to her - If I had truly embraced all the teachings here and at Recovery Nation, I would have told her I slipped unstead of being caught. That level of honesty will hopefully unfold in time.

I am still in early treatment recovery, despite working at this for several months.

At this point, I have not engrained the techniques to master these feelings. Addictions cause us to seek a quick fix to make us feel better. I relented to the quick fix. A lesson was learned.

I just climbed one brick up the side of the well.

Thanks for being here.
Steve

Day two

My wife is currently choosing not to cummincate with me. At first I was uncomfortabel with the distance. After talking to Penny I came to be at peace with it.

She and I both need emotional space (and physical) to regroup. Our marriage (if it is to survive) will need both of us to be grounded and ready to tackle the work of re-connection ahead.

Part of my personal growth plan is to connect on an emotional level with Cindy twice a day. I will continue to do that by phone. I will need strength to continue with no response. It is important for me to tell her how I feel and that I seek her connection with me.



ahead.

Stevenb..

quote:

Part of my personal growth plan is to connect on an emotional level with Cindy twice a day. I will continue to do that by phone. I will need strength to continue with no response.

Just curious.. How does she feel about this?

quote:

It is important for me to tell her how I feel and that I seek her connection with me.

also curious... is the first part contingent on the second part?

Loui

Hi Louie,

Interesting questions you raise. She may not review any of the messages I send her or voice messages I leave. I cannot control that. But I have made a conscious value decision to maintain emotional contact with my physically distant wife, and that the behavior becomes ingrained into our future life.

Many couples succumb to loss of meaningful communication over time.. we certainly did. My point is to begin to develop that skill of connectedness and carry it forward into our healing (God willing).

At some point, I hope that my daily musing on my personal growth and my need for connection with her will be returned with her opening up to me. First by phone, later face to face and with Penny.

I am looking up from "The Bottom of the Well" and am growing with each new lesson and each new day.

Time will tell if she reaches into that well to work toward our mutual healing.

Hopefully, what I stated here will make sense. It does to me on a very personal level. The very best friend I ever had is being asked to consider rebuilding that relationship, however hard it might be... and it all starts with communicating.

Hey Stevenkd..

Just keep in mind a few things...

prodding sometimes can hurt as much as it can help at times... so be gentle in that part for awhile...

actions speak louder than any words ever can and actions are what she needs to see. That you don't slip up again...that you do what you say you will do and don't do what you say you won't do.

Right now you are very much aware of what YOU need...are you at all aware of what she needs?

Loui

Hi LouieJ,

I am aware of what my wife needs. She was home briefly yesterday and grabbed some clothes and much of her recovery reading material. She is not in a place right now where interaction with me is valuable for her.

Hopefully the books and RN material she took with her is getting put to good use. She checked my computer while home to see if I was straying on the internet again. She saw nothing because there is nothing.

I am just not sure how she will be able to "SEE" me growing without connection. As another counselor said to me, my wife needs to see change over time. We will see. I am clearly doing my work.

Thanks for challenging me. I have put thought into her needs and I am comfortable right now with physical space... I am having difficulty navigating the necessary emotional space.

quote:

have put thought into her needs and I am comfortable right now with physical space... I am having difficulty navigating the necessary emotional space.

Part of that is the "habit" of having her around. Part of that is the fear of losing her...completely normal and completely understandable. She's working from the space of fear and hurt, you're working from the space of guilt/shame and fear. Two seperate places to be. Like looking over a chasm at each other so to speak. The space may be a good thing, even if it doesn't feel that way.

quote:

I am just not sure how she will be able to "SEE" me growing without connection.

I would venture a guess that as time goes on you will be surprised at how much connection there will be. Experience has taught me that there is a very fuzzy line in the world of no contact. BUT, what I will say is that right now you need to not concentrate on what she is doing, what she is thinking, what she may end up doing, what she can't see. You need to focus on what you ARE doing. And you need to be focusing on that not because it's what she wants to see.. but its because its what YOU want for yourself.

Loui

Much has happened since the last post. I have begun anew to work on myself.. I vacilate (sp) back and forth between doing my work and then spending too much time worrying about her.

I am getting comfortable with the being alone.. It provides solace and time to learn and grow.

Right now my wrok, my 2 dogs and my personal growth work take all my time. I am trying to get regular exercise and eating well. I am prone to faling into eating binges (one of my addictive tendencies). I am trying to stay away from my local convenience store.

Lessons learned: The Serenity Prayer says it all. I am working on what I can impact and doing my best to not dwell on what I cannot.

I have perhaps climbed a couple blocks further up the Well wall. And I am not slipping... I have a firm grasp.

Those are all good things...

Are you going to meetings on a regular basis?

Loui

Hi LouiE,

Yes, I have been going to SAA meetings weekly since shortly after I started working with Penny. Initially, she suggested I take a look at sex addiction as a culprit, and like all addicts initially I did not think it fit.

With time I grew to accept the reality that I have a compulsive sexual habit and have been working the program. I will be giving my formal 1st Step on May 25th and have found a sponsor in the group who is my age, similar background in our SA development and a man who is very spiritually grounded.

With time and work my hope is that God will see fit to bring us together again. For now, it is God's will to allow us time to heal.

I like your quote "Depression is merely anger w/o enthusiasm" . Right now I probably am a candidate for Zoloft or something, but I do not want to cloud my thinking with drugs. Odd thing for a pharmacist to say... my livelihood depends on them.. In some ways I am "white knuckling" the pain of separation to allow me to feel the depth of my sorrow as motivation to continue my work to make myself whole and leave my addiction behind.

Excellent for you Stevenk...

I remember my first Alanon meeting was sooo scary for me.. I'm glad you took that step and are continuing. My exSO never took the step and even though he supposedly is clean, he still "thinks" like an addict. I believe that one of the successful objectives of the 12 step program is that it gets people to step out of that box.

I know nothing about antidepressants messing with your mind.. What has Penny had to say about them for you? I know the only thing they did for me was quiet the bing boinging emotional up and down and helped me maintain a more even keel. It didn't make me stupid or drowsy or high or dumb me down..nothing like that at all. Just calmed the emotional boat a bit. Make sure you're not cutting yourself off from something that could be beneficial for you.

And I think as you work the steps the motivation to do so becomes the work itself, rather than the pain that started the process in the first place.

Loui

The last week has been very hard. Much general sadness and loss. Had somewhat of a revelation today. God is watching over the progression of my marriage and I am only the casual observer to that union.

I must go forward on my path and trust that the path of my spouse will meet mine. We have been blessed with 12+ years of wonderful marriage which I have challenged by my behavior. The strength of that union will be tested as we move forward.

With the help of Penny we can perhaps rebuild, strengthen and mature as individuals and as a couple. We can build a truly solid foundation which will support itself and keep us both grounded as individuals and as a couple.

Thanks to all of you for your guidance and comfort as we attempt to resolve this major disruption in our life together.

quote:

Originally posted by stevenkd:
Had somewhat of a revelation today. God is watching over the progression of my marriage and I am only the casual observer to that union.

steven,

What did that revelation look like?

I suspect we don't have exactly the same spiritual connection or faith life so may not understand your statements. I question your statement that you are a "casual observer" to that union? Aren't you ultimately a full participant in that union? You are part of that union and as such, don't you have responsibilities?

HoFS

I was having a particularly bad morning, crying over the state of my life and my marriage, mourning the loss of everything I have come to love and treasure. I asked God to help me. My dog came to me and licked my face (which he never does) looked at me with his big black eyes, rolled over and stared directly into my soul.

At that mooment I felt a peace which I cannot describe in words and God spoke to me. I did not see a presence but I felt it profoundly. God passed his forgiveness upon me and gave me my mission. My life was no longer my choice but His. He asked me to go forth in the world and help others. He asked me to volunteer at the library, seek to be a missionary of the Health program I follow and to work with Habitats for Humanity, all thing I have been considering. He asked me to act on those feelings.

I have never experienced anything like what I felt on Saturday morning, but I feel truly blessed to have a sacred connection with God. Thanks for asking me to share.

Stevenkd,

I'm so glad that you've connected with your spiritualness and found peace there. That is a good thing and helps further recovery.

Remember that G-d helps those who help themselves as well... you are not a casual observer in your marriage insofar as you have a responsibility to your W to love, protect, honor and so on. That takes action, that is not a casual observer sport.

You can be a casual observer, I would think, insofar as your wife's decisions to engage in the relationship or not. Because that you have no control over. That is up to her.

But I believe those would be based on what changes you make and the work you do. Not the ones you watch happen around you.

Stevenkd don't substitute your responsibilities towards yourself and your internal work with G-d's... they are not the same and one cannot work without the other.

Loui

I have now got another issue which I as struggling with. My wife & I had a nice dinner on Thursday. We spent 3 hours together talking, sharing and then holding hands. As we held hands, she did something very interesting and baffling. She asked to take my wedding ring. Said she was going to throw it in a lake or a river... some sort of symbolic act of ending the past and renewal for her.

I allowed her to take the ring which she put in her purse... Now I feel stripped and naked. The wedding band I had worn for 12+ years, the symbol of our marriage is now gone. I don't know how to feel... to the outside world I am an eligible man... yet I am very much alive in my healing and SA work to become a new person...

I asked my wife to describe the feelings behind it in an e-mail this evening. She does not call me. Tell me what you all think is going on here. I want to be optimistic.... but...

My view from the well has become very clouded... did a fog settle in??

There are other ways to cleanse besides throwing an item away. Any chance she's going to pawn it?

Why did you give it up? Is that what you really wanted to do?

HoFS

could it be that when she's ready and sees the change in you she's looking for that she'll give it back? Or suggest you go get new ones for a new life together?

Loui