Thank you both for the responses.

I had thoughts to post her e-mail here, but chose better to maintain our communications to each other as confidential.

First to HoFS... No, I did not want to give the ring up.. Althought it is a tainted sign/symbol, since I touched other women with that hand, it nevertheless is the only symbol I have of my marriage. One important thing about the ring as a symbol is the continuity of it.. the circle or love and commitment. I have broken that circle symbolized by the ring.. therefore the ring, while still round.. is broken... In a metaphysical sense, it fell off when I broke those vows.
She is not wearing her ring either, which makes we wonder where she might be headed emotionally, but I cannot concern myself with her desires/needs... I continue to move forward with my growth.

To LouiEJ... I had sent her an email asking Why?? Why ws taking the ring off symbolic? She responded back to me in her email that I made bad choices, with or without the ring which have damaged our relationship.. therefore the ring means nothing ... I feel that my earlier actionsbehaviors, my learnings and growth from those actions/behaviors and my future actions will define the future of our marriage.. She still has the ring... I also stated to her that I would like her to keep the ring and that perhaps at some point we might jointly cast the ring into the sea on our renewal honeymoon. As you inferred in your response...

Penny has asked me to be low profile, that pursuing my wife may do more harm than good... You and others have also stated such... therefore, I will heed the advice of seasoned professionals.

Peace to you both,
Fondest regards
stevenkd

Stevekd.. good.. listen to what the "professionals" are telling you.

I am not any one of that sort..just the school of hard knocks..

The weird thing that happened for me.. my engagement ring broke right after the affair started. I thought that very timely.

My exH... he wanted us to get new rings when and if the time would come to renew vows. The old one was broken for him. He took his off and put on a different ring after the affair. One that he had not worn much that I had bought him as a birthday gift a few yrs before.

So it could be that she too, when and if the time comes.. would be willing to get a new ring as a symbol of a renewed marriage.

Time will tell. You do your work. She'll do hers. Hopefully the paths will reconnect somewhere down the road. Don't push her and don't push you. You both have your individual recoveries to do first before you can ever consider the recovery to your marriage.

Loui

It has been two weeks since I posted. Things have been stable but not advancing on the reconciliation front.

My S and I had a lovely lunch today and spent some time talking. One thing she brought up was her feeling that I still am operating from a position of self-centeredness. Something for me to do some work on, since I am actively trying to be just the opposite in all phases of my life.

We talked about being each other's best friend. Something I genuinely miss without her. She misses her best friend too, and is struggling with my betrayal on two levels.. 1) Best friends and 2) Married couple.

I left our luncheon feeling renewed. I later called her and asked if us best friends could go out for a DQ. I was very pleasantly surprised at her return call.. She did decline, but this is a break in the silence, which I feel we both need.

Time and insight are wonderful healers.

I have climbed perhaps a couple bricks up the wall of this well. Thanks for being there for me.

Sounds very positive Stevenkd.. thats really great.

Just a little advice, don't push. It's natural since you got a positive result from asking last time that you'd try again...and again and more often. Take that very slow. After you've spent a little time, give her a little space. She might even, eventually, given enough space and time, come to you.

Loui

Hello again.

It is getting somewhat lighter in the well. My S and I had a dte last week and she commented afterward how at peace I seem to be. It is the first time she has appeared to recognized that I am changing. She has opened up more and we have spoken on the phone.

All this points to my own learning patience and the resolve to let G's will play out in my life. I have spent so many years forcing life instead of allowing it to come to me.

All of you continue to help me see the wisdom of your past experience and teachings. Penny has been a great mentor in my healing. We met again this morning... She always has new ideas for areas in my life which need massaging.

The well seems to be filling with water and my lifejacket is on... the top is not that far away.

Thanks all.
Peace

quote:

The well seems to be filling with water and my lifejacket is on... the top is not that far away.

Thanks Sandy,

There is a lot of wisdom in that short quote. Thanks for reading my posts.

I still struggle with our crazy schedule offering us really only one week out of two to get together and have fun... our work schedules were part of the reason we got to this place. Nevertheless, we are slowly growing closer and she seems more at peace as well... still with a cloak of secrecy... but I am okay with that.. She needs to protect herself from hurt and I understand.

Time is a great healer... hopefully time will heal us.

Peace

quote:

Originally posted by stevenkd:
... our work schedules were part of the reason we got to this place.

What are you going to do to keep this from affecting your marriage in the future? Sounds like this needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

HoFS

Schedule? Not sure about that. The job she has is bascially 7 on- 7 off nights . 12 hours shifts. she basically works and sleeps, except for Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. It gives us very little time to interact, except passing at the front door.

There will be a change in 2009 when the hospital opens a branch hospital. some people will transfer and her hours will improve. She is unwilling to leave that facility even for the health of our marriage. So I can't give you an answer.

I am getting much better filling my alone time. Penny has asked me to do some hard work on "quiet time" to get comfortable with being by myself and keep unconnected (TC, PC and other distractions).

Time will tell... this is somethning that must be addressed it's true.

quote:

She misses her best friend too, and is struggling with my betrayal on two levels.. 1) Best friends and 2) Married couple.

ohhh...I understand that so well. I miss my best friend also, not only just my husband. But hearing that you are trying to rebuild things, is so wonderful...

I wish you both the best.

Sandy and HofS... any thoughts on how we go forward? We date this week and it was the best one so far. WE talked, had a couple drinks, walked, picked up dessert at a coffee shop, went back to her "New" apartment... it was very nice. We both talked during the night about how we missed the fun we used to have. I believe we still will.. in time. Like in the Serenity Prayer.. I have no control.. but I can behave "as if"... Still no kissing, just hugs at the end of the night. I have begun my journey back to health and I know she has too... When does the emotion come back?

I also got a kickin the pants this past week and got fired from my job. Just when I was beginning to think things were getting better, another curveball in life from my "god".

I got right back up, but I think this constant barrage of negative life events is taking it's toll.

What I hope "god" is telling me and secondly to my wife is that life is full of challenges and we are what we make of them.. Do we roll over and die emotionally or do we get back up take measure of ourselves and become better for the lessons. I choose the latter.

Here's my scorecard. 1) Had A. W stayed a while then left after full discolsure. 2)I am an SA. Going to treatment and SAA. Have made significant progress in finding myself. I have relapsed and am working on ways to prevent them by workins with RN. 3) Got fired from my job. Have 3 jobs in the works, may start as early as July 7th. Here's the way I see it. Score right now Stevenkd 2 Life 1. I can't take away what I did in my A (Life 1), but I can work with SYMC and my W maybe we can still say Stevenkd won. The game of life is not over.

Thanks for your words.

quote:

Do we roll over and die emotionally or do we get back up take measure of ourselves and become better for the lessons. I choose the latter.

quote:

Score right now Stevenkd 2 Life 1.

BRAVO!!!!!!

great attitude Steve!!!



Life IS full of challenges
tests
lessons
curveballs
etc
some are/were with in our control as to whether or not they unfolded/transpired
and some are/were not
some are/were with in our control as to the intensity of the fall out
and some are/were not
and some times
life just happens

but that should not be the point of focus
I think you are on a positive path
looking at life's lessons are working to build a stronger wiser you
a Steve better able to roll with life's punches
better able to see the curve balls that have been pitched before they cross the batters mound
a Steve better able to pick himself up out of the dirt when that curveball smacked him up side the head
brush himself off
breath deep
not focus on the rotten pitch and stomp off in a fit to the dug-out
but on how to stay in the game
and
it sounds as though you know when it would be best to sit out an inning
and let the game proceed with out you for a while
which is not always an easy decision to make
humans have a tendency to feel compelled to be in control
I believe that Christians would say
Let Go Let "God"

as to suggestions as to how to proceed from here?
stay the course
patience with the process
patience with yourself
compassion to all involved
faith in yourself as well as in your values
and forgiveness

and take time to breath
reflect
step back to take a gentle look at the big picture
breath

have you read thru this thread?
Valu-ABLES


hugs to you Steve
and to you wife

Hypatia

Wow -- what a combination! A good date with your wife and getting fired, in the same week!

I think you're right to look at the firing as a blessing. It looks like your life is falling apart quite nicely, which leads me to believe that the foundations were flawed from the start. Working through your addictions, and the persistent distorted reality that they're built on, is easier when all the distortions start to result in reality significantly diverging from what your perception of it was.

So in addition to the work you do at RN, how about some very, very careful observation of the real world, and identifying where you make flawed and/or faulty assumptions?

Your previous job is a really good place to start. What were your perceptions? What was the reality? How did they differ and where were your perceptions consistently distorted?

That's hard, hard work to do, because the distortions will creep into your analysis. Still, even the effort of trying to do it will move you along your path some.

Just thought I would let everyone know that I have found a new job... starting in 1-2 weeks.

I truly believe getting axed was a blessing in disguise. It gave me a chance to sort out the important aspects of my career and what I wanted in the future.

I have been able to relax, work in the yard, exercise and have time with friends and family... all the things which I posted in the Value-ABLES thread.

My wife & I continue to date.. We talk more, laugh more and seem to becoming friends again... which is the first stop on the road to love, intimacy and marriage. I just hope the bus continues to roll along.

My struggle out of the well is coming along... I believe someone is throwing down a rope..... to be continued.

Hello Steve,
Congratulations on the new job. You must have started by now. How is it going?

And how are things with you and your wife?
Summer is a time so full of the promise of growth. I do wish you and your wife each an abundance of growth and learning.

And that rope that has been thrown down the well to help you reach the top has been in YOUR hands all along.

hugs to you both

Hypatia

Thanks Hypatia,

I just started the new job Monday, but I really think the change will be good for me.

Things with my wife and I are slowly improving. We spend more time together, talk more and Penny believes we are ready to begin the healing phase of our counseling. My wife is still not sure about the future of the marriage. Still talks a little pessimistically. We will see.

You are right about the rope. Ihave been doing quite a lot of work on myself, my spirituality, friendships and my family. It is all beginning to come together. The only missing and perhaps the most difficult piece is the marriage. I am prepared for the work ahead. My wife will hopefully reach that level of resolve as well.

Thanks so much for checking in with me. Things are well in the well..

Peace.
stevenkd

steven,

Missed you last night at GNO. How's everything going? Is the new job working out?

Hope the healing is continuing.

HoFS

Things are generally okay. We spent the morning together playing golf then went out for lunch. But at the eend we hug and it feels like hugging my sister and maybe not even that good.

She sent me a text message saying how she thinks it is good that we can have fun despite the "poop" between us. If that's how she feels, when do we take the laxative?

I am becoming frustrated with the lack of any meaningful communication between us. She and I both work independently with Penny, but I am becoming increasingly agitated about the uncertainty of the future which my wife has the full control of.

I continue to do my work, but to what end? I know the answer... I am becoming a better person. but...

I feel like I am losing a grip on the walls of this well. Any help?

Good Morning Steve

Have you considered a joint session or two with Penny?

I would very much like to, but my wife is very resistant I think. P doesn't think we are ready for "marriage counseling". I feel kind of lost between being single, married, alone, hurt and a myriad number of other feelings.

I am not sure where to turn. My men's group in SAA is very helpful to help ground me and the work I do with RN.

I just feel lost without this person I hurt so much who cannot bridge back to a link to our marriage. She seems to revel in being alone even though she is not happy either.

I meet with Penny tomorrow... perhaps she can ground me.

Thanks