Thanks mags,

Hugs back to you... despite what you are going through you still have compassion and empathy for others... you are truly blessed and I believe things will work out for you and (I pray) for myself.

Peace
steven

Hello Steven

sorry i have been away from posting very much lately
got me a

in the form of the MOST adorable 6yr old happening

my brain is all mushy

so
that secluded retreat?
how are you doing with the plans to bring that together?

I am looking forward to hearing allll about it

i do plan to answer your question about my life's path dealing with LONELINESS and ALONE

perhaps later today
looks like a rainy quiet day
the Xman is likely to be more subdued today
hee hee

hang in there
you ARE doing great

Hypatia

Camping....

I returned home this morning from we weekend away... It was everything I had hoped and more.

I was able to connect with the animals, the stars, the wind, the locusts, the fire, the earth and the river. The most important thing I connected with was my inner child.. I was overcome with joy on Saturday morning as I sat by the fire, eyes closed and listening... to the nothing.. and it happened... I felt the need to comfort the child within me who was hurt so long ago, the child who always wanted to be accepted... who always felt so alone. I wept in tears of joy that this child was free.

The rest of the day and evening I spent listening to the voices of the woods. I tried to remain silent and hear between the sounds.. I began to feel comfortable and at peace with the silence and the energy within that space. I spoke of it tonite at my SA group.. the space between each of us in that group and the bond which we carry beyond that room.

Today when I left I stopped at a coffee shop which at first appeared closed, but I felt compelled to go in... It was open and staffed only by one young girl. She was yawning and I asked her to join me for coffee... She declined but we began to engage in a pleasant discussion about HER. Her Honors paper, her gymnastics, her college aspirations, her hope to get a scholarship to So. Utah state. My son's girlfriend is going there on a scholarship as well. Then it struck me how circular everything in the universe is and how connected we all are. I had a 2nd cup of coffee and then left... This was the first time I have had a conversation with a woman (young or old) in a very long time that I did not sexualize the encounter. Something profound happened this weekend.

I am at peace.
Steve

I'm so glad!

HI mags,

I am glad you read my post here. I have spent so much time with the deep hurt of my inner child.. I spoke to my SAA group and a couple of the guys remarked how much they have to find their hurt too. I wish they could all find Penny.

I know you are on the same path as I... In fact, I just noticed that you started here just a few weeks before i did. I hope that you now can find some peace after the dislosure. We have no control over our futures as couples.. we can only work on ourselves.. I have faith we will both recover and have peace, emotional health and an honest and caring relationship.

I will continue to check in on you as well.

Peace
steven

Steven, the change in tone is quite amazing. Keep doing whatever you're doing!

yooooooo hooooooooooo
Steven


hows things?

Thanks for checking in with me Hypatia

Things are going quite well generally... We wife and I started joint counseling with Penny and we are optimistic of growth together.. time will tell.

I haven't posted lately because.... I am not sure why. I do read some posts but have not taken the time to put my thoughts down here.

I have been "listening" to the quiet in my life trying to focus on feelings and finding peace in my time alone. The camping trip was the start and I am continuing it.. I am beginning to take pleasure in others seeking me rather than being the needy, hurt and desparate soul I used to be (which still resides in me). I am tonight meeting a man from my SAA group who has asked me to be his sponsor. I will be attending a volunteer meeting for Habitats for Humanity next month and look forward to working with them on projects.

What I have come to realize (with Pnny's help) is that I can be alone, but I (we all) need Connection to others. That is what was missing in the marriage. I mistook it as abandonment and did some bad things to take care of me. It is helping so much to look upon aloneness from this perspective of needing connection.

I have connections in my life... my family, children, men in SAA, my wife, my pets, my customers at work. I am learning to appreciate that connection as character building when the connections occur, rather than destructive when I am not connecting.. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I need to take care of my pets... time for their walk. My wife and I as homework will actively try to spend time together, do fun stuff to connect again and see what the future brings.

I am rising to the top of the well Getting stronger with each day.

Thanks Hypatia

I hope to not be away as long...

Steven

Hey Steven
i am so glad things are going well for you and your wife


And don't worry about not posting lately. Even I ( as do many Villagers) go thru spells when the want/need to post is not as strong. That is perfectly okay.

Quiet alone is not so bad after all, is it?
Learning to find peace and contentment in it takes practice, and may not be there all the times you are physically alone, but hey, it really isn't all that bad.

There can be a healthy balance between alone and connection to others. I think the more at peace we are with either, the more we appreaciate the other for what they really are.
It is a balance between the inner self and the outer self, who we really are deep with in our souls and who we project ourselves to others.


You are doing a mighty fine job, Steven
BRAVO!!!



and remember
be gentle with your self and with the process
there may very well be times with being alone will not be as peaceful as you would like and the destructive old habits kick in. You ARE only human, yah know. Life happens. Should these times happen, take the opportunity to reflect, learn and grow..
hugs to you and your entire family
H

Time for an update... My W and I spent the day at at park up north.. Took a long walk in th e woods to appreciate the fall colors and feel the wind and the quiet. We talked some about our relationship while on the road up there. I knew she had a bad week because there was no communication. In fact, she did have a bad week.. more worries and fears around he ability to recommit and fears about potentail reopening of wounds.

How does she get past this? I am just a friend in waiting... I continue to do my things.. work, my program, my church, community work (starting this week with H for H).

I am not sure she can or will come around.. what guidance can you provide for me (us)? We work with Penny and I know her expertise helps us to avoid pitfalls of trying to move too quickly..

My birthday next month marks one year from D-day. I do not look forward to that day... I need an alternate celebration... one year of healing and growth.. maybe that's what I should have a party around... what do you think?

Things are well in the well for me... I just wish I could fully climb out of the well of uncertainty to my new life beyond.

Glad to hear you're still on your path Steven! Sorry to hear much of it is still in limbo. Your patience is inspirational - always been one of my weak points.
Happy birthday and beginning-of-healing day for next month!

Thanks alot mags. The river of life continues..

I have a question for all who may see this. My
W and I were having a discussion about values (Shared values and those which are uniquely our own). We went quite a ways into ourselves and then the discussion began to drift...

So I diverted to a reading from my mediation book of the day.. a quote from Yoda to Luke Skywalker in "Star Wars".... "You must Do or Do Not.. you cannot just try". I asked her... are we just trying? Or at some point must we DO or Not Do?

She came up with this... She is comfortable right now with being together (dating), holding hands, long hugs... but she balks at kissing (intimacy) and then came the truth.. she is not sure if she can ever be intimate with me again, and because of that is not willing to dare...

Tell me oh trusted servants of SYMC... and don't be afraid to tell me to be patient... that I am becoming very adept at. What are the secrets to a reblossoming of love, particularly as it relates to a woman's perception.

I await your responses.


Thanks, Steve

quote:

she is not sure if she can ever be intimate with me again, and because of that is not willing to dare...

Dare what?

She is having difficulty expanding any intimacy .. we have only exchanged a couple of kisses (and not the passionate type).. She spent a couple nights with me overnight.. we hugged in bed and kissed in the morning.. after which she retreated and I didn't hear from her for a couple days.


So by "dare" I guess I mean jumping in with both feet and either succeeding at this relationship or failing... we are spending more time together, but is that enough to rebuild intimacy or is the key more communication or is it just time and willingness to experiment with more intimacy?

It is a $64,000 question... at which point is doing rather than "trying" the answer?

Well one woman's perception - not necessarily all women's but I do get the impression it's a common experience....
Is that physical intimacy FOLLOWS emotional - and not the other way around. Ie. it's not so much whether she dares be more physically intimate, but whether she dares being more emotionally/mentally intimate. And that when she does feel closer to you emotionally, physical comfort with you will follow.

So fair question, in terms of is there a time that perhaps "doing" rather than "trying" is called for. I'll let the others address that, because I don't know. But..... I think that the "doing" in this case would be emotionally committing, not upping the physical intimacy.

I read somewhere today - must have been on this site but I can't recall where - that when intimacy is low, often men seek to rebuild it via physical intimacy, and women via talking/communication. And from just one female perspective - I know that until the intimacy is rebuilt, I don't want physical contact. Whereas my H - once there's physical contact - assumes intimacy HAS been rebuilt - when often it hasn't. He will practically mug me to get a hug when I'm mad at him, and then even if he's only got one by exercising physical force, he'll go off happy because he thinks it's ok now (WTH???). It's very strange!

So if... and I'm not saying you should... you do feel it's time to push on something - don't make it physical intimacy. Emotional maybe (emotionally committing?), proximity maybe (staying over more often?), whatever, just not physical. That bit will only follow comfortably when the rest is sorted, and before that point it would be damaging.

But in the meantime, I think what comforting (as opposed to sexual/passionate) physical intimacy she is happy with, keep that up (or increase frequency if she's ok with it). I mean stuff like hugging, stroking, non-sexual touch. That stuff can be comforting to me EVEN when I am mad and think I don't want it. And apparently it can stimulate oxytocin and stuff. Either way I think it often has either a calming or a bonding effect. As long as it's to a level, only, that she's comfortable with - and that she doesn't feel any pressure to escalate to more passionate/sexual phsyicality.

Of course this is and opinion based solely on my own experience/feelings so keep that in mind!

Thanks for viewing Hypatia.

We are going along well and seeing more of each other. She is more open to talking about her fears.. her occasional desire to run. She has learned that running is only temporary and will ultimately take her from someone she wants to be with (me).

I continue to learn something from each day and each encounter with my wife. Penny is guiding us and I think my wife and I agree that w/o Penny we would not be together right now. All of you at SYMC have been so caring and kind.

Keep checking in.. My story continues YEAH

Continuing the story is a very good thing. I like stories like this one. Keep us posted!

Oh.... and how's the recovery stuff on your end?

Hi gang,

Just when I thought things were going well, my wife backed out of our evening together afte a panic attack. Sometime this afternoon she was surfing sites about ending the marriage and whether it is Christian to end a marriage.

Now silence.... I have messaged her to no avail. Is this a ripple in the usual recovery or am I headed to a divorce after all this work? Penny, if you see this, get back to me.

This is so demoralizing.. I cannot express my confusion at this moment. Do I begin the process of emotional separation or move ahead?

Life in the well has gotten very turbulent.. lots of demons in here. Just when I thought I had reached the top and had one foot out on solid ground.

Steve

An addendum....

In two weeks, I have my birthday ... otherwise known as D-day in this house. I am sure that the annniversary of this day is bringing out the fears again in my wife.. Can we help her through?