Keep at it Steve! Only your wife knows if it's a ripple or not, but I tend to think it's often 2 steps forward 1 step back with a lot of these things - as long as the steps forward are more than the steps back, try not to stress! Just as you have relapses or temptations now and then, she'll have moments of doubt again. I think it's all part of it.

Which leads me to ask again about your own personal recovery. Having your wife back out of an evening together is a big upset for you. How did you handle it? What did you do? Did you use the tools that you've learned?

Hi Just_J and mags..

Thank you for chatting.. You ask a good question Just_J. I have been continuing to work my program. I have begun my work on Step Four while I continue to embrace God as the ruler of my desiny (Step Three). I could not get thru this downturn w/o that in my life.

I have embraced my religion, have been uplifted by working with volunteer groups (Habitats for Humanity and the food shelves).

I have taken on the role of sponsor for another man in my SAA group as well. My work with him helps me, as we talk, identify my addictive tendencies which still need work.

I look to God in prayer and the Serenity Prayer for guidance, which is helping me now as we chat here.

I will continue to muse here and hope to have a positive outcome,

Peace,
Steve

Hi gang,

I continue to wish to hear from my wife. She did e-mail me to try to explain her sudden departure from me this past Tuesday.

Can anyone who has been cheated on lend me some understanding on this process... My wife has been edging closer to panic recently and broke this week. She wants now to be like we were before D-Day and it can't be... This A has changed us both.

We have changed this past year. I know I am a better person, more grounded and spiritual than ever in my life. I am able to express my feelings much better than in the past. I listen better. All in all, I could make a very good husband now... the question is.. will it be with my current wife?

Please lend me your thoughts...

Steve

I keep hoping for a big epiphany when everything will break open and we become a couple again. This process is so slow and agonizing.

The progress is so slow. Some nights she will sleep over and then I may not see her for a week after that. How do establish some consistent pattern? How do I get her to commit to some measure of "normalcy" to our married life?

Thanks for the hug Mags back

I am still wondering what to do about my marriage. Last week my wife found a phone number on my home phone from the OW. I have not had contact with her in many months. The fact that she called caused my wife to retreat again into non-trusting. She spoke with Penny about it and they agreed that if it feels like I made contact then I probably did. Nothing could be further from the truth. I cannot control anothers behavior... Words right out of the Serenity Prayer. When do I get to be free of suspicion? Do I sound angry? Well dammit I am.


I have asked my wife to consider RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous) but she did not even respond to my question. Rather.. she picked up a shift at work eliminating opportunity to try it. Go figure.

She says whe likes being with me, loves me as a person, but feels no romantic love... It that's the case is it every coming back and how? Without consistent dating, talking, sharing it won't happen... A date or 2 a week for coffee, a sleepover once in a while.. Does romance return??

Is there anyone out in this netherworld who can reassure both myself and my wife? I know she checks these posts. Can anyone help her beside the time she spends with Penny... If so speak up.

Hanging in the well... sitting in the pail... will my W ever pull me up to the top and allow us to truly start over?

quote:

I cannot control anothers behavior.

Yes you can. In this case, yes you can. You can make it more then clear that you want NO CONTACT what so ever from this woman. You can make it clear that you are trying to rebuild your relationship with your wife. You can change your phone number, you can do a number of things.

I can only imagine how that made your wife feel to find that on your phone.

quote:

When do I get to be free of suspicion?

It is going to take a long time and much hard work. And finding a phone number on your phone is not the way it will happen.

I hope you don't think I'm sounding harsh here Stevenkd, but that is a big deal for your wife and I can only imagine her hurt. You need to take the steps to make sure something like this never happens again if your marriage is what you want.

And if your wife is reading here, I am sending her one of these simply because I really, really understand your hurt. I am living it as well. And I understand yours as well Stevenkd, but complete transparency, patience, love and time. That's what she needs right now.

Things continue as before. This event with the phone number appearing on mine is frustrating, but I left it behind. I continue to try to be as honest and transparent as possible.

The big concern is time between visits. It's like looking in a mirror to see if you've changed. If you look once a year you can see a change, but in a relationship doesn't one need to watch constantly to see consistency rather than change?

My W and I are doing a 12 Days of Chrismtas for each other. It was my idea and it has been fun thinking of gifts to please our partner. The difficult part is not being together each day to receive the gifts. They pile up on the table until the next time we see each other.

The only real gift my wife can give me is a return home. As else is mere trifle. The fact that she thinks enough about me to think of gifts I might like, shop and wrap is endearing. The reality is life alone is no longer my just reward... it is becoming a prison unto itself. I need resolution. Is that so wrong?

Peace and goodwill this Christmas season.

Christmas has allowed me to focus on the important things.. my family (children), their significant others, my faith and my friends. My wife and I only briefly communicated over the holidays due to her work. We are getting together today to share gifts.

Her work schedule continues to be a major blockade to having time to rebuild our relationship. 12-hour overnites many days in a row. The schedule played a major part in our relationship falling apart. She works extra in addition to afford her separate lifestyle. Is this counterproductive to our healing?

I continue to do my own work... do regular meditations, pursuit of my inner self.. my men's group. I feel that I have gone through a very formative year.. When does my married life return?

quote:

When does my married life return?

What is your wife's response to this question?

I thought it about time... It's been 7 months since I posted here. I will start a new thread as Steven.

I am happy to report all is well.

Glad to see you back and hear all is well!

Times have treated us well... emotionally. Financially, this whole ordeal has cost us greatly... we continue to struggle with that as we move forward.

My W still works weird hours, but I have come to terms with that and fill my time with my own work an dmy few male friends.

Life is good now that I have come out of the well.