Met with my ex yesterday. Summary:

- She won't budge on where DD goes to school. Her reasons are primarily logistical one having to do with the fact that she lives 14 miles from me and doesn't want to drive both her kids to school and then go to work. She also thinks her schools are better. They may be, slightly, but then again .... both high schools are listed in the top 100 high schools in the country, and they're within 5 places of each other. Not so different.

- I think she was surprised to hear me say that I actually do believe that her husband's relationship with DD deserves to be protected and that they should continue to have contact with each other even if something happens to my ex.

- Her position on the adoption can be summarized as "do what I think is good for DD and I'll do the adoption." She does not, apparently, understand how bizarre that is.

Ok - but baby brother is almost 5 years younger - right? So by the time he hits elementary school DD will be moving on to middle school - or close to it. So at that time you can re-evaluate and renegotiate where she is in a way that takes those driving needs into account.

Um.... and really .... 14 miles?? You have no idea how short a distance that is in the scheme of my life and the driving we do. <sigh>

P

quote:

I am really sorry that I can't evaluate whether she deserves the credit for it or not. For five years I've waited for the other shoe to fall; she's left the door open to utterly destroying our relationship, never fully closing it with the adoption. (I recognize that people lose the right to their kids even when they're biological and have been there the kids' whole lives. And that requires a court to determine that the parent is not competent to make good decisions for the child. All this would take is a legal determination that I'm not a parent, no matter how competent I am and no matter how good my decisions are.)

Or, to put it more simply, she's had a gun to my head for five years. Does she deserve credit for never pulling the trigger, even when I wasn't "nice" to her? I'm sorry, but I can't objectively say. There's still a gun to my head. And when you wave it around, and pretend to start putting it down before putting it back to my temple, well, I'm rarely rational in those moments. You'll have to ask someone else about whether you get any credit for it or not.

From an essay on a completely different topic -- and so appropriate to this one:

If a mugger takes your wallet with $500 in it and hands you back $100 before running off with the rest .....

Do you feel robbed of your $400 or enriched by the return of your $100?

love ya

P

quote:

Um.... and really .... 14 miles?? You have no idea how short a distance that is in the scheme of my life and the driving we do. <sigh>

No kidding.. for the first year of D19's schooling I drove a minimum of 75 mins each way 3-5 days a week. The next 9 yrs it was 45 mins each way.

And there was one or two years in there that I carpooled my 3 kids at 3 different schools. All that with working 20-30 hrs a week.

Loui

Hm. 14 miles through WI or MN countryside is a little different than 14 miles through DC traffic. Even the heart of the Twin Cities doesn't compare. (I know. I've been there many times.) Even in "normal" traffic, the round trip will take me at least 90 minutes.

Last time I was doing the drive in rush hour traffic at about the time when school will start, it sometimes took me more than 3 hours to get from my house, to my ex's house, to my office (a total of about 35 miles).

I would be unlikely to be able to work full time. And there are a few other things I would like to do with my time. Spending time with my husband would be really, really, really high on that list.

Today we met with the parenting coordinator. Bizarre meeting. Tried to make progress, felt as though I was talking to the PC only, very little input from my ex. PC then talked to each of us separately, my ex first. Weird change of dynamics after that. Something my ex said made the PC decide how she was going to proceed. She is going to speak to each of us separately again, and then make a recommendation as to where DD goes to school. She will also recommend a "protocol" for how to handle other issues, such as DD's schedule and other parenting agreement items that need to be renegotiated. She says she will include the adoption in the protocol somehow. She asked me to negotiate the "if the adoption doesn't happen" and the "if the adoption does happen" options. I said it was unlikely that I could do so in any kind of rational manner.

And something my ex said in their private meeting made the PC turn to me, after we were all meeting together again, and say, "I need to know that when I make my recommendation you're not just going to walk away from the process." She then realized she was tipping her hand and turned to my ex to ask the same question, but it was pretty obviously an afterthought.

I'm feeling pretty creeped out.

So are you going to call her out on it?

She's away for the next few days, so I have some time to think about it. It -could- be that everyone has DD's best interests at heart and is just going ahead and doing the things I've asked for.

It could be.

I would like to think that we would all do that, that there is enough good in all of us to do it.

I am, nonetheless, cautious. Concerned.

Here's an interesting tidbit.

I've been reviewing HoFS and my health insurance policies. Covering DD under our insurance is dicey; the rules have been tightened up and it's complicated. So we've been looking and reviewing.

And that reminds me of something that astonishes me. Under federal law, I have more financial responsibility towards my three stepsons than I do to my own daughter.

I knew it was coming, of course -- have known it since HoFS and I got engaged. But here it is. Legally, financially, I have a well-defined, legal set of responsibilities towards the boys.

Toward DD? I have only the personal agreement my ex and I have made. I hope it's legally binding (though no one really knows at the moment). But even if it is, it is binding because it's a contract between two adults, not because the law says that there is a requirement that I be a responsible parent toward my daughter.

You know, I'm 40 years old and only now am I starting to understand how profoundly important certain basic social constructs (like those that define marriage and family and children) really are. Most people never run up against these boundaries. Because of the choices I made starting when I was 22 years old, though, I walk up against 'em every freaking day.

I almost want to say to that 22 year old, "Stop! Don't go there!" And then I think, well, no. It's been a very bumpy and difficult and frightening ride. And I think it's been worth it for me. And for society as a whole, which learns and grows a little bit with every human attempt to create structure.

My ex called tonight. It's a call I've been expecting. It was the "Okay, so, what are you going to do about appointing the Parenting Coordinator?"

Luckily, I had an answer. "I called her right after the meeting and said that after I spoke to my attorney and got a couple of questions answered, that she should expect to have the appointment papers when she comes back from her trip."

So my ex asks if I've talked to my attorney yet, and what questions I have.

No, haven't talked to my attorney; I left her a message before I got home yesterday (it's all of a five minute drive), but haven't heard back. My questions were

- Send me the list of what my ex wants to negotiate
- Talk me through the weird interaction I saw after my ex talked to the PC one-on-one
- Explain to me the circumstances under which it's appropriate to unappoint the PC for doing a bad job

My ex asked me to expand on the last one, and I said that while I had thought it through and figured that since we put the PC stuff in the parenting agreement five years ago, I probably ought to abide by it. But that I still have some real concerns about, for example, this particular PC's responsiveness. So I want to know what the circumstances are under which I can say, "All right, that's enough."

My ex said that if that particular thing happens, she's going to agree with me that it needs to change, and we'll fire her together. Which is fine, but there may be circumstances where we disagree.

So we went on chatting. She wanted to know, as delicately as she could put it, how soon I expect to speak to my attorney. I said that I sometimes have trouble reaching her, but plan to try to reach her assistant to make an appointment in the morning. I also said that if my ex had a list of the things she wanted to negotiate, and could send it to me, that would speed up the call.

She said, again as calmly as I've heard her in a VERY long time, that she just wanted me to know again that these are things she wants to talk about, but that it's not a list of demands -- she doesn't have to have all of them go her way or the whole thing will fall apart.

I said I appreciated that, because in the past she's disagreed solely because she didn't want me to be right, and that I have tried for some time to find alternate ways to get to solutions because of that, but that it does make things difficult sometimes.

She said, "I'll try to work on that."

Nothing more.

Wow. The last time we talked about something like this, there was ZERO openness to change, and I think I probably endured a half-hour rant just for bringing it up.

So I have to say, and I mean this sincerely, who is this woman and what have you done with my ex????

I do believe I have just become the victim of "change the dance and the other person has to change too" rule. It's .... unsteadying. Unsettling. Bizarre. Probably good. But still unsettling.

Anyway, we did talk a little more and she said, as she's said before, that when it appears to her that I'm making decisions solely to further my long-term strategy to protect my relationship with DD, it pisses her off because she thinks it's not good for DD.

We certainly have some sincere disagreements about what is, and is not, good for DD. Frankly, though I would do some individual things differently, there's nothing in the last two years that I would take back or change.

My ex even admitted that she has to call her attorney in the morning to decide whether they're going to file a motion in court tomorrow to force me to do the PC deal. (I knew that call was going to happen today or tomorrow; everyone's leaving on vacation on Thursday, after all.)

So. Here we are. A strange new world. Very, very strange.

It's Thursday! That means HoFS and I will be on vacation for the next five days. Y'all behave yourselves while we're drinking margaritas next to the pool!

So I went back and looked, and I missed telling a couple of bits of the story. When we met with the PC on July 28, she proposed a process that went like this:

- PC calls me and ex to talk about the school issue some more and try to come up with a deal. She would do that late the week of 7/28 or early the following week. Ex and I were both on vacation then, so she asked us to do everything we could to respond to phone messages so we could talk. We both agreed.

- PC would provide a recommendation regarding the school, the process to use for the other negotiations, and whatever she was going to say about the adoption. Recommendation would arrive NLT COB Friday, 8/8. Yes, that's today. COB was ten minutes ago.

I was strongly encouraged to agree to this process. After thinking about it for quite a while, I did so. After I spoke to my attorney about my concerns, I agreed to appoint her, based upon the agreement we all had. I even outlined the agreement via e-mail so we all had it down.

So here it is, ten (now fifteen) minutes after COB.

She hasn't called.

She hasn't provided a recommendation.

Brief e-mail from her after I wrote her. She USED THE WRONG SCHOOL IN HER ANALYSIS.

And wants to chat at 5:30pm today.

I put in the call to my attorney.

This is freaking insane.

Good grief.

I think I'll have to wait for the full fallout to post any more about what's happening.

But....... good grief!!!!

Hi Just J,

Just wanted to send good thoughts your way. What an ordeal you are going through. You are an inspiration.

rlana

Hi rlana! I hope you didn't read all of both of my threads in one gulp! That tends to leave folks a bit shell-shocked. But thank you for your kind words. I don't feel like an inspiration most of the time -- more like HoFS' VW (volatile wife)!

And that doesn't count PMS and the crankiness from being hungry and sore now that I'm finally moving back toward a healthier lifestyle.

.... Heh. I just went back to look at the beginning of this thread and realized I didn't even link it to my old one. Here's the link, just for the sake of completeness.

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/...3002716/m/1446039485

And really, don't drink it all in one gulp!

Well, the school saga is officially decided. At least for the next four years.

-- DD will attend the elementary school near me through either 3rd or 5th grade.
-- DD will then attend the schools near my ex.

How did the Parenting Coordinator decide? She based the decision entirely on the ranking of the schools within the county-wide school district.

Based on the no-child-left-behind test scores for each school.

She has never met DD, has no idea which school would fit her personality better, nor does she care to really delve into the details of the personalities of the schools. It's a numbers analysis only.

The PC says she agonized for days over whether this was the right way to do things or not. She chose to entirely ignore the legal status of things and to assume that DD has two equal parents who have equal decision-making authority and equal standing under the law.

The PC's analysis of the wrong schools was interesting. The elementary school near me feeds two different middle school/high school combinations. The one whose area I live in has the 7th ranked middle school and the 9th ranked high school in the county (out of 38 middle schools and 29 high schools).

By comparison, my ex's has the number 4 middle school and the number 2 high school; hence the decision to shift her there when she gets to middle school.

But.... if DD were to go to the other MS/HS that my elementary school feeds, that would end up being the 2nd MS in the county (or so; can't recall exactly)... and the best high school in the county, one that far exceeds the other two in its single-minded focus to make sure that every single student passes the no-child-left-behind policies. Forget art, forget music, forget the International Baccalaureate and AP tests. It's all about the test scores.

To get into that district, all I would have to do, nearly literally, is move about two blocks from where I currently live to be in that extraordinarily desirable and excellent school cluster. (Because really, it is an excellent school, as are the other two.)

There's a house for sale over there that would cost less than my current home. It appears to be pretty trashed -- but I could live there within a few months if I really wanted to spend the money to move.

And, just so you understand how ridiculous this is -- all three of the high schools I'm talking about are in the top 100 high schools in the country. Maximizing the educational opportunities DD has in these schools is about like choosing between three vintages of the most expensive fine wines you can think of. Frankly, I can't taste the difference.

But there you have it; the PC says she can't make the decision any other way, so that's how she made it.

The PC, when she spoke to me today, told me to give my ex a few days to digest the news; we didn't need to register DD until the end of the week.

When I dropped DD off at my ex's house tonight, she had already spoken to the school, found out the hours they're open, tried to call me to find out if I could drop off the papers today, argued with them about making sure both parents get school information, and was thinking about what days we could take DD to buy her school supplies.

My ex may have been upset, yes. But clearly the Parenting Coordinator really doesn't understand how many of these wrenching things we have already been through in the last five years. If we didn't recover fairly quickly, I think we both might have keeled over by now.


So...... registration hopefully tomorrow. Dentist appointment sometime in the next two weeks. School supplies maybe on Thursday. Kindergarten open house in two weeks. And we need to figure out the bus schedule.

*sigh* I have a feeling I'm not going to get much work done the next two weeks.

Oh, and one interesting note from the analysis. Apparently my ex expressed a concern "that [I] might not continue to reside in [my] current district for the remainder of [DD]'s schooling given [my] recent marriage to an Ohio resident."

Apparently when I say "no one is moving for now," my ex hears it as "I'm not moving yet, but just wait, I might!" It's interesting to see how people perceive things.
!

Filled out all the school paperwork. Then I went up to the attic to find the parenting agreement, to show legal authority to enroll DD in school.

Read, while I was there, much old correspondence. Amazing. Five years ago, my ex was saying that we had to have a parenting agreement in place before she could do the adoption.

Now, five years later, she says we have to rewrite the parenting agreement we've had in place for five years before she can do the adoption.

Amazing, actually, how similar the line is. And how patently false.

I haven't been where you are. I don't know how it feels, though I can guess at it.

I do care.

I believe in a God who works for the best possible outcome for all of us. I pray for that for all of you.

I predict that the sun will rise tomorrow. I hope it rises on many joys, as well as the sorrows, pains, and trials we all must endure.

Thank you, SS. I appreciate the thoughts. It has taken me a while to return to this thread. The energy of it is exhausting -- the subject matter of the adoption and the legal wrangling sap me like almost nothing else does.

As a general update, we got DD enrolled with only some extra discussion with the school. They only provide one copy of the packets that go home each Friday, and it doesn't really matter to them that it creates a burden on us. We haven't figured out exactly how to resolve that. The rest is what every parent does when a child starts school. We went shopping for school supplies. We figured out where the bus stop is and where we'll meet after school. We bought a few school clothes.

Yesterday there was an orientation, so we got a presentation from the principal and the kindergarten teachers, plus a chance to walk through the classroom and time for the kids to play on the playground. It all seemed good -- DD said she liked it better than her classroom from last year. That was when she thought that the sink was part of their play kitchen area, though, and when I told her I didn't think so, then she wasn't sure.

This morning she was so very happy and excited -- ready to go learn in her green and pink and smiles. She lined up with all the other kids and they all walked into the school and I thought, "Wow, she's getting so big. Good for her! I hope she loves this adventure."

I called my ex at about 3:15; school got out at 3:05 so I figured they'd be in the car and on their way home by then. It turns out that DD had just gotten in the car. She was refusing to say a word, so my ex didn't know how the day had gone. Later, I got a text message. DD had given the whole day a thumbs down and, without ever saying a word, fallen asleep. She was still asleep nearly two hours later. My ex's only other clue was that she'd barely touched her lunch.

I find that I'm worried. Stressed that I can't be there to give her a cuddle and talk about the hard day. Sad that it -was- a hard day, because I would much prefer that the first day of kindergarten be the beginning of something wonderful. I know that the most learning happens on the really hard days.

And unlike P, who had no qualms about wishing it on me and HoFS, I don't wish that on DD. I'd rather that all her lessons be gentle ones, that her life's wisdom come to her easily rather than through unhappy thumbs-down days.

So here's to DD and a life that is filled with wonder and happiness and many exciting days. May she fall asleep because she's tired-out happy, rather than exhausted and sad. And may every morning be as bright as this morning was.

quote:

She was refusing to say a word, so my ex didn't know how the day had gone. Later, I got a text message. DD had given the whole day a thumbs down and, without ever saying a word, fallen asleep. She was still asleep nearly two hours later. My ex's only other clue was that she'd barely touched her lunch.

This isn't unusual. Trust me. It was a long, exhausting day for her. Filled with new things. New teacher, new rules, new kids, new experiences. Sometimes it is overwhelming for the little ones. All day kindergarten, if that's what she is in, is overwhelming if you ask me. But she will adjust. Lunch is an issue as well. It's a big thing. There are packages to open and milk to open by yourself. At our school, we are there to help, but sometimes, little ones are afraid to ask, so they don't eat or drink like they should.

Poor JJ..I know how you feel. It wasn't too long ago, I sent my little baby girl off to kindergarten. Give it a few days. I was just commenting today when the little ones walked past me...they seem to get smaller and smaller each year. Just babies if you think about it. But I guarantee you, she will be fine in a few days and kindergarten won't be such a big deal. She will start to get a handle on the in and out of everything and will be just fine.

Trust me...After spending much time with them last year, and hopefully more this year with the new ones...it amazes me how quickly they adapt to the change that is before them.

Serioulsy though, all day kindergarten does wipe them out. After lunch, we would put in a movie and have some "down" time for about 30 minutes. Over half of them would fall asleep!

Bless her little heart...she was simply worn out