WTF. He shows up at 4am, spends the morning doing his work stuff while I pack K's things and get the house ready to lock up for 5 days, return videos, bins out, clean up - oh did I mention I'm now SICK - from the lack of rest and stress - so my throat is so sore I can hardly swallow but I'M the one running around doing everything because his friggin work takes first priority - so that's gonna be great on a 5 hour flight, I'll probably be quarantined for swine flu.
I am OVER this. I am OVER his COMPLETE lack of consideration, care, or any sort of involvement with his family. I HATE HIM.

Every day, in every small way, he chooses his work over his family. He had the gall to tell his boss that he had to stay home from work today because I was sick - as opposed to because he was at work till 4am and had to pack his bags for the trip THEY are sending him on. I KNOW he wouldn't stay home because of me being sick. He doesn't GIVE A F. So HE DOES NOT get to use me as an excuse. "Yes sir I'd lick the soles of your feet if my wife wasn't sick"


THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO THIS. You DONT get to put your family last every day of your life and still have a family. I need to get out of here.

That panicky fight-or-flight reaction is a feeling I totally TOTALLY understand. I know there's not much I can say when you're in that place. It's such an urgent feeling, isn't it? And I know you've talked with your husband until you're blue in the face and it doesn't seem that anything will change. I have been in his shoes, too. It's such a hard, hard thing. I wish I could tell you anything useful about these hard times, but honestly, I can't. Your situation is extremely difficult. Separating wouldn't really help it much -- you'd still be in an extremely difficult situation. You'd be doing all the work you're doing now, plus you'd have to go back to work, plus you really -would- be on your own completely. Not any better, really, than where you are today.

And yet there you are, stuck with choosing a marriage that's not working for you, or choosing to separate and be in exactly the same situation except you would have to rely on yourself.

That's why we've suggested just going ahead and relying on yourself now, within the context of your marriage, of course, but that doesn't make the actual doing of it any easier.

And you're sick. And you're exhausted. And probably hysterical. And I really, really hope you don't get quarantined for swine flu.

Yeah I know I need to rely on me now before doing anything else stupid. I'll have to do it anyway. I just keep getting LULLED into thinking I'm in a marriage and then DISAPPOINTED again and again then I just want the quick fix to end the cycle. No quick fixes in life that's the problem.

Well the plus is I didn't get quarantined for swine flu. The minus is poor little K has the flu now. It had to happen someday, and I've always been full of bravado about babies have to get sick to build their immunity. But its so horribly hard to hear her snorting and snuffling and that georgeous but heartbreaking little cough and feeling her little lungs rattling with phlegm when she breathes. ARGH.

Trip was ok. His sister got up to her usual rubbish. Haha - silly me somewhere in my subconscious I must have been thinking "wait till she sees little K eating her banana/piece of ripe pear/etc by herself" - smack me somebody please. Of course in reality - that's not how SHE fed her kids so it's WRONG - so when K had an hour long crying episode on our first day there - of course it was due to the semi-solid food (that she's been eating HAPPILY and WITHOUT DIFFICULTY and been in a GREAT MOOD ABOUT for TWO WEEKS) rather than a) jetlag from a 5 hour flight and 2 hour time difference, b) 4 days of constipation which she HATES, c) being in an unfamiliar place, or d) (what I now believe it to have been) hungry because I later realised I hadn't given her as much food as she's now got used to because she was crabby (from constipation) both times I fed so I gave up.

So ANYWAY next morning it's time to feed K and I'm getting her pear and she goes "Mags, you HAVE TO puree it SHE CAN'T digest it like that!" My usual response is to go for logic i.e. "She's been eating it for 2 weeks and has had no trouble digesting it in that time so I can't see why she would magically stop - plus we tried puree for the first time yesterday morning (thought it would be easier for travel food) and it went everywhere and made her angry because it was so frustrating to swallow" but I knew she wouldn't listen, so I said "X, I know her - oh forget it I'll give her banana". I should have just stuck with the first bit I guess and not caved on the banana. But then of course somebody says something like that and you start to doubt yourself - the pear WAS a bit harder and less ripe than the pears she'd been eating at home. ARRRGH. Anyway next day she ate the banana AND a pear AND an apple (she weighs 5kg - where the heck is she storing this stuff?) AND pooed so I think she was just underfed and constipated that day.
Anyway K had no more episodes so SIL was back to the indirectly telling me stuff rather than ordering me about again.
Oh and when K was crying? MIL - who anyone with a great memory and infinite patience might recall used to refer to K's 8 hour colic crying bouts every night for 3 months as "oh, she's fine she just cries for an hour" - says to me "Oh, we really must call Y (pediatrician in the family) some time to find out what to do about this business". This business? One hour of crying? The first hour of inconsolable crying in the last 2 months??? 8 hours a night every night for 3 months was nothing but now one hour in 2 months is an emergency situation??? WTF....
And of course then SIL "Have you seen a pediatrician? About her weight and everything?" "Yes every 2 weeks for the past 2 months, that's why she started solids early (like I told you when you were telling me it was too early to start solids???)"
AAAARGH
Sorry to vent here guys. I can't vent to H he just avoids it. He seems to think that any empathy towards me is 'turning on' his family so I'm totally alone on this stuff. We fought about it tonight. Got home and he spoke to SIL and said the flight was good, K did 4 (FOUR!!!) poos so was very pleased with herself and she started up with the "ok what you'll find is they'll cry a little bit before they poo, but it's fine, it hurts them when they are getting used to it, but bla bla bla etc etc etc". Now K doesn't cry when she poos - she loves pooing - she'll push her food away and put on her little concentrating face and grunt and it's really cute. But H will never even say "ah no she doesn't cry she loves it" he has to go "ok, yes, ah ok" like she's really helped us out.

GAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
I don't know what's going on here. Part of me thinks this is my issue. If he's happy to humour her rather than set her straight why should I care? Well, I think if not for the other stuff maybe I wouldn't. Plenty of people give me one off advice and I just do the nod and smile and do my own thing, thing. But under a constant barrage of "this is how you do it, I know better than you and I know your child better than you do" I feel a need to set her straight. "Oh if she woke up she wasn't really asleep, DUH" - actually no, she woke from tummy pain. "She'll trouble on the plane but just do X Y Z" - actually no, she's been a little aeroplane angel thus far. In a way I'm hoping that politely setting her straight on this thing will gradually discourage the telling me what to do rather than offending her by taking her aside and staying "you wanna stop with the I know better than you sh*t? Because you don't, and it's rude". But it ends up I'm the only one who ever 'questions her wisdom' in any way because my H just plays along to it. And I can't figure out whether it's my issue for caring what he does, or his issue for being unable to set boundaries with his family, and for, if it's less confrontational for him, choosing to pacify his sister over support his wife.
Probably it's both our issues. But I honestly think it's BECOME such an issue for me BECAUSE I'm so alone in it. His sister barrages me with this sh*t every time we speak to her. Instead of being curious about a different method of doing things with a baby she acts like we're idiots for not doing it 'properly'. His mother in law - who has SPENT some of the last 2 weeks with us and SAW little K eating her banana, loving it, and being happy for the days following - and who was so PROUD of her little grandaughter at the time - now chips in with "careful little K don't bite off such big chunks you can't digest them...." - WTF???

AAAAARGH!!!!! Yes I have issues in that I let them get to me. But I don't think that it's ok for H to just stand on the sidelines and let his family carry on this way - and indulge it when they do it to him. And we discussed it this evening and his line was "You ARE alone on this. I'm not going to say stuff to my sister just because you think I should. I am not willing to be a unit with you if that's what it means." I asked him - the stuff I am asking you to say - is it stuff you BELIEVE? Yes it is. He knows she's just being a knowitall. But he reserves the right to let her be one, and not call her on it, if he so chooses. Fair enough I guess. If it didn't mean everyone ganging up on me. Not that he gangs up on me. He just spectates. Or often is just absent.

I'm just losing it. It seems like every day just brings another way that we are not really a married unit.

I mentioned to him what Antigone said. His philosophy is that our relations with people are standalone - i.e. that my relationship with his sister is mine alone and he will not change anything in the way he relates to her. I put to him what Antigone said - that another way to look at it is that my relationship with his family is because of him. His mum and sis are extremely nice people - but I wouldn't have them in my life otherwise. If any of my friends kept ordering me around on how to raise my kids, I'd probably stop hanging out with them. I don't have that option with these ones because of him. So it IS his business.
No go. He can't even understand the perspective.

Yeah yeah workonmyself workonmyself. Just needed a vent. And would like to know other people's perspectives on this whole him-supporting-me business.

Dammit, I'm sick, K's sick, and working on anything other than keeping her happy and me alive is all I can manage.

Oh and yay me for not writing to OM tonight. I know that should be a given - but after telling H how alone it makes me feel when he panders to his sister and doesn't support me when she's undermining me - and H saying the words "you ARE alone in this, I'm not willing to be a married unit with you if this is what it means" - you have no idea how this triggers the "well f you then why should I behave like part of a married unit either" response in me.

HOLY CRAPAMOLEY

BIG mistake changing thread name. BIIIIG mistake. "Never rains but it pours" apparently describes my life to a T.

Let me quite from my other thread

Posted Tue May 26 2009 10:39 PM

quote:

And waiting with baited breath for my period next week! Due to a miscommunication between me and H about my ability to get pregnant again at this stage, there is a slim chance. Another pregnancy would certainly douse the flames with petrol. Haha. 'It never rains but it pours' could once again become very apt.

Well GUESS who just 'peed on a stick'. And GUESS what the oracle stick said????

Cr*p cr*p cr*p cr*p cr*p cr*p cr*p cr*p cr*p cr*p cr*p

My goodness me. Maybe the chemicals are affected by breastfeeding. Or by the flu. Or my period being due. Or something??? Help??? Somebody??? I've lost the **** instructions so I can't remember. Better go out and buy another one or ten.
This is not what I want. And not what he wants. We are already struggling to cope with one. The relationship is already breaking under the load. The house won't fit another one. My pelvis is just recovering. My health isn't back to scratch yet. I'm just about to return to work in two months!!! WTF???????

So how come I can't wipe the smile off my face???

Man, better go get another test. Whichever way it goes is going to be bad really. We can't handle another baby right now. My body won't take another experience like this so soon. But... I can just tell that I'm going to be sad if it pops up negative. Why??? Who the hell knows. It makes no sense. I'm a friggin baby machine, it seems. And I don't even LIKE babies!!!

FAR OUT H is still asleep - why won't he wake up!!!!! AAAAGH!!!!! And my best friend is in the wrong timezone and won't be up for hours yet!!!! AAAAGH!!!!! I'm so freaked out!!!!!!

Why is it that when you MOST need a nice glass of wine - that's when you're not allowed one????????

Take a deep breath mags!! If you are pregnant unless you have medical issues can handle another pregnancy. Bodies are pretty resiliant.

Aahh! Mags! Did you take another test?

Keep us updated...

YIKES

2nd test says yes too!

Will try and get a Dr's appointment tomorrow...

H & I are not going well.
Have booked in for some counselling.
Not sure what this means for the new nugget.

holy sh*t

my my...

Yes.. get thee to the Dr. pronto!!
and then let us know whats going on!

Loui

Okay, I have processed this. I think. I am for once, almost speechless.

However, I know that you CAN do this. I have a very good friend here who had a baby, baby #2 to be exact. (#1 was 3) She was carrying baby #2 around in it's carrier about three months after she was born, when she found out she was preggers with baby #3. OH....I about fainted when she told me. Course I had my kids 18 years apart. I couldn't imagine having two that close.

But guess what? It was fine. Now she has gone on to have baby #4. (all girls) Baby 2 and 3 are very close and are inseparable. So that is a PLUS.

Two babes are actually just as easy as one, or so I've been told.

I think it will be okay Mags. There is always a reason for everything and you will be just fine.

Now we just have to really think about fixing this issue with Y and counseling is the first step.

The other stuff, the house, the timing, everything will work itself out.

One good thing is, gee....there will be NO TIME for thoughts of OM

I guess I'm just going to have to figure out how to get to Australia to help...

I can't imagine another as cute as K...but if it's meant to be, then it will be.

Keep your chin up sweetie.

Hugs to you from G and I

Results back tomorrow...!
Not that I have much doubt. I mean honestly, unless I have some weird cyst or something, 2 home pregnancy tests and a missed period aren't going to be wrong.
YOWKS.

Sandy - I hope you're right. I struggle so much as it is - I can't imagine coping with more. But then again - as so many people hear learn I guess - when you have to cope, you do. I hope that goes for me too.
And yeah I'm happy for K. Up at the sister in laws place I was so sad for her that she didn't have any bubs to play with at home. She just loved her little cousins. Now she will. I also kind of envied the people who have twins (in SOME respects!) because their kids have a readymade playmate, and self-entertain a lot more. Well this is the next closest thing to twins I guess! Though two pregnancies for effectively twins is kinda unfair

Yep Sandy - start planning your trip here! I'm gonna need all the help I can get... and K would love to meet Gracie...

Yep I'm kind of going with the 'if it's meant to be' thing too. Haven't even given up salami and brie yet - I figure if it's 'meant to be' then it'll be brie-resistant!

And yeah - I do worry - what if it's not as cute as K and I don't like it as much? I feel disloyal to my cheeky little cherub thinking of loving another baby as much as her. And I honestly don't see how it could possibly be as cute....

The pelvis issue really worries me. It was such a struggle last time - AND will be worse this time - add to that having K to look after - I honestly don't see how it'll work. Might have to move in with the inlaws or something so they can look after K if I get to the stage where I can't lift her (or move myself!) - yeah I can just imagine how great for the relationship that would be! I'll go nuts. And K will be sidelined. I won't be able to do stuff with her the way I do now. And she loves going around in her carrier and I'll have to give that up.
I just feel really bad for K sometimes. She would have had me all to herself, we do stuff together, lots of body contact as she's always on me (which I love), always in our bed (which I SOMETIMES love) - just really close to us. This will blow that all up. But then again, I think the benefits of having a little brother/sister so close to her age might outweigh it. That's a really nice thought.

edited to remove first name

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Just J_SYMC,

You know what. I'm glad.

This whole thing terrifies me. The pregnancy bit, actually, more than the 'after' bit. I mean the after bit terrifies me too - I can't imagine how to deal with 2 kids under a year and a half - but it's sort of an abstract concept now. But because of the pelvis thing, the pregnancy bit scares me very immediately and realistically. I can imagine my current activities looking after K - and see each and every essential thing that I won't be able to do because of my pelvis. How I won't be able to carry her around in her carrier. Take her in and out of the car. Pick her up from the floor/bed/bath. Get up (yes, when it gets bad, getting out of bed becomes a difficult and painful task) to feed her at night, repeatedly. Take the stroller in and out of the car. Walk a block - on my own - let alone with bub in tow. Use stairs (i.e. visit my sister in law - the one I do get along with - whose house is one big staircase). Shop. All this stuff becomes something H - with his limited time - has to do with me. It seems impossible.

And it scares the crap out of me. It has for a long time, and has made me very wary of planning a next pregnancy before the first child was self-propelling. And self propelling where and when I tell it to. So presumably at least 3-4 years old - if it's a well behaved one! BUT... H is old and we can't leave it that long. Especially as he wants 3 (my jury is out on that one). So really, the whole idea of a next pregnancy with my bad pelvis, terrifies the crap out of me. Let alone one that starts BEFORE my pelvis is even healed yet!

But in that way it's good too. Pregnancy sucks. Childbirth sucks. They both scare the crap out of me. And I hate scary stuff looming over me. I don't know when I'd have felt ready to take that step again.
This way - it's right back in the game. It's all happening now. It will suck, possibly very badly, but all going well it will be OVER in 9 months. And I possibly won't even have to do it again - like I said I'm not sure about the 3 kids thing. After this, another pregnancy will be optional. If we feel like it. If it seems right. Not an assumed. Hopefully I will still have help from my dad and H's family.

So anyway. Scared crapless as I am, I'm glad. It's like when I had my wisdom teeth pulled - he asked if I wanted to come back in 2 weeks for the other side, or take all the pain now and do it now. I chose now. I wanted it over with.

And whatever you can say about the joys of children, pregnancy and childbirth are more like having teeth pulled. So I'm glad I'm getting it done.
I just wish I'd had twins instead...

:eek

Well. Then. Are we confirmed yet?

Yanno here's how my family looks:

D born Jun 81
S born Dec 82 (18 mos apart)
S born Apr 84 (16 mos apart - this is the baby who died)
S born May 85 (13 mos later - my D was not quite 4)

Took a break
Miscarriage Oct 89
S born Dec 90
S born Jan 92 (they are 2 years and 2 weeks apart)
S born Oct 94

Tubes tied Dec 94

A good friend of mine had her first two 11 mos apart, the next one a year later, and the youngest 2 years after that.

You'll be fine. Tired, but fine.

Hugs!!

P

quote:

I also kind of envied the people who have twins (in SOME respects!) because their kids have a readymade playmate, and self-entertain a lot more.

umm.. I'm a twin...
my mom had 5 kids altogether and said it was easier having 2 like that than my brothers who were 2 1/2 yrs apart. And he was sorta a playmate alot of the time. 'cept when he wouldn't want to play what I wanted to..

I must have missed the pelvis issue thing. What is that about? And who have you seen about it and what did they tell you?

It'll be fine Mags...you will be tired, no doubt..but trust me..you don't 'love' one more than the other. A new baby doesn't replace the older baby. They just add a new dimension on to things. (I have 3 girls..just around 2 yrs apart each...so, btdt)

I'm more concerned on how H will handle things, how you will handle things.

Loui