MMmmhmmm. Sounds about like what I suspected. You have three minutes to do it in. It's a problem of STARTING.

Hey JustJ
I drafted this almost a week ago but didn't finish it so I never posted it - I never really feel that urgency when things are going well. Then I was thinking today that I better post it because otherwise I'll only come on here next time I'm mad with H and it'll be the whole "you only complain about H" thing again. It's more that - I only feel the urgent need to post when I'm venting about H. But maybe it's important to have some representation of the 'when things are going well' side on here as well. So here's what I wrote last week:

----------------------------------------------------
It is partially a problem of starting, yes. Every time I start I have a huge inertia to overcome. I'm also realising this week it was also a bit part a problem of energy. Now that I'm NOT sick and I AM getting some sleep at night, I've been keeping up a lot better - as long as I manage to catch my afternoon nap when K does. Hopefully when 1st trimester is over that bit will matter less.

Anyway it's been going ok this week. Even managed to make a dent (with H's help) in the laundry pile - he finally saw the need to do more than surface cleaning when he couldn't find anymore socks and had to go to work in odd socks and chucked a big spaz because he was stressed that day.
I did sort of try the 5 minute work 5 minute play thing but it drives me nuts because I have to stop doing something before it has reached a natural end point or K is screaming - eg. halfway through the dishes or something. Also with K, while she is happy to play alone it's a bad idea to go and play with her because she sometimes changes her mind and wants to be picked up! And once she is crabby there is no such thing as play for 5 mins - she has to be in arms and that's it. But we're finding our own rhythm. At the moment our schedule is something like this.

Wake 9am, play in bed for half an hour, make and eat both our breakfasts (till 10.30), sit her on her chair in the bathroom while I shower, and back to bed for her or off to mums group at 11, or maybe errands or Dr or grocery shopping etc. If it's an out of the house morning we stay out till about 1pm, come back and feed her and back to sleep around 2.30pm, and I try and have a quick lunch while she's sleeping. If it's not a mums group day she's up from her nap at 11.45 and normally harangues me to go out of the house and entertain her so we sometimes go for a walk or to the cafe. Sometimes she doesn't hassle me and I get to make our lunches and do the washing up from breakfast/previous night - these days are nice as I get to have a proper lunch. Either way at 2.30pm I try to go down for a sleep with her. Usually not much house stuff done up to this point unless she's being unusually good!
I try and keep her in bed till 5pm (mainly so I can sleep!) and then we get up and try and be productive. If I've been grocery shopping or anything very strenuous in the morning I'm sometimes still too tired to do anything by this stage and spend the evening in survival mode - trying to entertain her as much as possible while moving as little as possible. Since she's been sleeping nights the last week, and we got over our colds, I've been able to do a bit more with this time. We play in bed for half an hour again (play generally consists of me avoiding getting out of warm bed into cold house) and then if she's happy she might give me half an hour to an hour of 'productive' time where she'll play on her own - this is when I normally clean up the mornings mess and maybe do some tidying. Then after 1.5 hours awake she'll be crabby and want to be held and entertained and then at 2 hours I can put her to sleep again at about 7.15. Up she gets at 7.30/8 and by this stage I'm thoroughly sick of the poor little munchkin. Hopefully H comes home by then and I can hand her over and be productive again for about another hour organising dinner and eating and feeding and so on and then if we're lucky watch a movie with her for an hour before she goes to bed again. If H DOESNT come home this is the time I find really hard. She is sociable and gets crabby if she hasn't had visitors by now (him or my dad) and won't watch tv with me, I'm tired of her and don't have the patience for it, and probably ****** off with H too and it all goes bad.
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In the week since then it's been more mixed. I managed to get K to give me some time to do my filing the other day so I'm really happy to have made a dent in that - however filing leads to the 'to do' pile which is now weighing on my mind. And I've also been painfully aware that the new equilibrium is not self-created - it's still very dependent on H - firstly coming home by the time I'm struggling with K - and secondly letting me know what's happening so that I can mentally prepare.
And H, it seems, has fizzled in his efforts. Twice this week he's done the whole 'time got away from me' thing and told me he'll leave at one time and not left till an hour later. I just can't make it sink into him how used this makes me feel. And I can feel my own mindset snap from "what can I do that will make H happy" (eg. make sure there's food for him, tidy a bit) to "how do I not get taken advantage of?". Which is not a give and take mindset - it's more of a take - it's an expectation of him being inconsiderate and not pulling his weight, so when he's around all I care about is that he takes K and deals with her and I couldn't give a stuff about whether he eats or whether he's had a bad day or whatever. I feel used and then become unable to show care for him. And then I usually have an unproductive evening because I get my social need filled by going online and talking to my friends and ignoring him rather than spending time with him and K as a family. I feel like if he doesn't want to act like a family then fine, it's shiftwork. Hmm, I suppose the plus side of him starting that up again is that I went on and talked to my best friend and it turns out she's been furious at me for the last 2 weeks and thought I was avoiding her online as well! Hmmm, some balance to be struck there.
But anyway. Not feeling SO negative - having things a bit more in hand around the house has given me the confidence to feel I can get them even more in hand till things reach a stage I'm ok with. However I'm still kind of wary - the equilibrium we found was still based on H 'coming to the party' so to speak - and acting like a member of the family - and I see signs of him leaving the party once more. And I'm still not too good at coping with that. The days I had where I was super productive all day were great but I ended up at night needing a serious wind down - and sitting watching half an hour of 'tv' with H was sufficient for that. Without it I felt like my life was just work, and felt burnt out before the day even started. But if H is going back to unpredictable, I need to find those ways to wind down myself. And I haven't really got that.

Wow! I really appreciate the non-venting perspective on your days, mags. It gives me a much better sense for the things you're really struggling with. Which sound, I am both happy and sad to report, entirely normal to me. I know I struggled with very similar things when DD was little. It got better -- slowly! -- but I must admit that there were some truly exhausting and difficult months there in the early stages. Keep working at it. You can do it, though I know you're worn out a lot of the time. This is probably the biggst change you'll ever experience in your life, so give yourself a few months on the learning curve.

Mags -

I just wanted to thank you for your efforts supporting other folks on the boards.

Also - Enjoy the little one. All to soon they're only interested in the car keys!
All the best,
SB

Thanks JustJ! I just hope I can cope with this next one. Struggling this much with one, just don't see how I'm going to do it with two. I really just feel so helpless sometimes.
SB - thanks!
I'll try to enjoy her - I do, but not as much as I should. Or maybe not as tinged with stress and tiredness and the rest as i'd like, more accurately. I've never had so many extremes in my daily life - extreme joy and happiness and love - also extreme boredom, stress, tiredness, frustration - and don't even get me started about extreme SMELLS...

Today, was an absolute train wreck of a day. I'm too tired and angry and miserable and helpless even to vent about it yet. Thank heavens we have a counselling session this Saturday. And there was I thinking with things going so well we'd have nothing to talk about. NO danger there anymore that's for sure.

The short version of what happened on Wed is that H didn't show up for our first scan of the new bub. Knowing weeks in advance, plus I'd requested him to come an hour early so I could have my blood tests - he instead turned up 45 mins late after it was all over.
I couldn't cope. I couldn't go home and look at him or I'd have killed him. I couldn't look at K because all I could think was that she was the thing that tied me to this irresponsible uncaring man who would rather do some stupid task at work than see his new baby for the first time who I could otherwise just leave.
Well I guess I got through the evening without killing anyone. Spent a couple of hours in the car crying, called my friend up the coast, texted my friend in UK but she wasn't up yet, went to the bookshop, went and bought profuse quantities of junkfood, called OM to see if he was free for a drink, went and had a drink with him for an hour, went to a movie by myself, went to the beginning of another movie by myself but it was crap, went home once I could talk to him civilly. There's been a nervous civility since then. He knows there's nothing else he can say since he always promises and never fulfils. I know there's nothing else I can do because if the guy can't even be there for that then I can never expect to rely on him for anything.
Don't know whether there's anything left in us for a marriage. Hope the counselling helps tomorrow. Thank heavens I'm going overseas for 10 days on Tues, I need to be away from him for a while. I'm just tired of trying, tired of thinking, tired, exhausted, hopeless and helpless in general.
And I know people will read this and think the worst bit is a different bit to what I think the worst bit is. Ah well que sera sera. There's not a lot I care about at the moment.

I know that hurts sweetie... I remember with my child #3 exH couldn't be there. I didn't even ask him to come cause I knew he couldn't. I don't remember if he was there for child# 2. I do know that his adjustment after all 3 babies was enormously difficult. He felt 2nd class citizen in his own house, he felt extraneous and he felt like he was left out of the mother/daughter loop. I'd be curious to see if its a boy if he'll change his attitude. Just wondering though if all your behavior was more as a back door get back at him..

Hugs you... loui

Still feeling pretty hopeless about the future, but I guess counselling yesterday was ok. Illuminating if not helpful.
Don't think H has any extraneousness or woman issues. Definitely has issues prioritising, and saying no to people.
It did cross my mind to call OM to get back at H. I realised why I was doing it and how awful it was and hit that on the head. . It also crossed my mind to call him in the sense of "well if H doesn't value me I'll go talk to someone who does" but I know that's not true either. So I called a the friends and vented to them a bit. Then eventually I got to the stage where I knew I was just escalating stuff in my head while I was by myself in the car, and I needed to get out and a) have a drink, and b) talk to people. I've been working more lately on stuff that helps me 'get through the moment' because my tendency is to look for 'long term solutions' which usually in that frame of mind are destructive ones. Anyway unfortunately at this stage the only friends I knew nearby were OM, the psycho, and a lady who I don't know that well so couldn't have gone and been all grumpy with. So OM it was. I was discussing this with H later and he suggested another friend of mine that I didn't think of - she's quite a new friend as she's a friend from work, but we are getting closer and I actually would have been comfortable seeing her instead, so that will be my first call next time.
I felt like crap after inviting OM, which was probably good as it stopped me 'misbehaving' when I saw him. Retrospectively though, I'm glad I called him - I didn't talk to him about H but just being somewhere public and talking to somebody made me a lot calmer, and then the movie was a great distraction. Try watching 'Bruno' - disconcerting as it is - without laughing out loud at some stage!

Anyway, not sure what the future holds. Trying not to think about it.

P

Well I'm not feeling very positive about things at all. I'm away from H and usually that's when we miss eachother and appreciate everything we usually take for granted etc etc.
Except it seems to be a one way system these days.
Firstly I changed my phone provider and forgot that I hadn't activated roaming, so I'm stuck here with no mobile for emergencies or to text him to call me or him to text me to find out where I am to call me etc. etc. So I used cousins phone that night and asked H to call up and activate it for me next day. It didn't even occur to me that he wouldn't just call up on the spot and get it sorted. Two days later still nothing - he didn't even respond to my email asking what was happening with it. Or email me. Or call me. Spoke to him first night we were here but now it seems we're forgotten. No wonder he doesn't have time for wife and daughter for a couple of hours on a work night - he doesn't even have time for a phone call to them.

You know what, I'm just TIRED of not being cared about by my significant other. It's not the relationship I want. It's not how I want to spend my life. I want closeness, intimacy, interaction, involvement in the others life, and their involvement in mine. But H is, and always has been, a solo flier. He's very sociable but he doesn't really 'do' being part of a couple - and now, being part of a family. He's never been able to think as an 'us' as opposed to a (very helpful and considerate) 'I'. It's not selfishness - he's pretty selfless a lot of the time - it's just not his mindset. And it's not so much a fault - I know couples like this - but it's definitely an incompatibility. I need more from a relationship. And if I can't have it, I at least want to be free to seek it. At least then I could hope that someday I will have it. Rather than being left with the scraps of what he can spare.
Yep, guess I should have figured all this out before I had kids. I guess it has a lot to do with how young and insecure I was when I met him, and how low my self esteem was - all of which is still true. But I guess back then I didn't know I could be treated better. But as I see other marriages and other relationships, I see that there is better. There are true partnerships. There are a lot of stuffups too, and a lot of compromises - but I feel sorry for them. H's sis is in one of these to an extent, and I used to feel bad for her. Now I am her - hanging around making the best of things for the sake of the kids. Only I'm still fighting it - she separated from the guy for a while, found out how hard life was with no money and no father, and now doesn't fight it anymore, she makes the best of it. I guess that's where I have to get to. But what a sad place to have to aim at. I'd much rather be one of those lucky friends of mine who get to not compromise themselves like that. But I guess I should have figured that out earlier while I could have still done something about it.

Anyway, I'm having trouble with it. Accepting that I will never have active caring from my H hurts, and makes me want to pull away. I don't really know how to stop getting hurt by it without pulling back emotionally. I find it hard to get into a mindset of just living as a 'single person in a married bed' - if I'm involved with him and in his bed I automatically get emotionally attached and then hurt by the abandonment. To change mindsets into one that isn't hurt by his behaviour I need to pull back - move into the next room maybe, go make more outside friends. I dunno I've never been able to maintain that for long - I always get sucked back into my wishful thinking about what our relationship is. I LIKE comfy and domestic home life, family time, intimacy and talking. And whenever I start to pull away he feels it and offers me what I want for as long as it takes for me to get sucked back in - classic anxious/avoidant pushmepullyou stuff. Then when he feels that I'm there again, it's ignore time.

Well I guess what's clear is that the dance has to change. I just feel like the first step I have to take is to give up hope of ever having the marriage I hoped to have. It's a step that every cell of me rails against, it's like killing off the remnants of the young idealistic girl I used to be, the hopes I used to have. I guess it won't be a bad marriage, to the outside viewer - he's helpful and a good person and wonderful with K and lovely on the weekends. Effectively, when he's around, he's wonderful, when he can keep his mind off work. The trouble is getting him to BE around - or to think of us when he isn't. So it'll be an empty marriage - at best companionship and shared loving childrearing, but without any real intimacy, passion, etc. He'll ignore us a good portion of the time, and I will have learned not to care enough to be hurt by it. And maybe when the kids are 18 I'll be able to leave and hope for more - or maybe I'll just be comfortable and resigned by then and this sort of relationship is all I'll ever get out of life.

Not a good day today.

You know, this is why OM was so addictive. At the beginning it was the infatuation chemicals that got me into the mess. But what's made it so hard to lose later is the feeling he gave me of being actually cared about. I have literally never had that in my life - H was the first serious boyfriend I ever had, and I guess I never knew that I could be treated better. He doesn't 'do' flowers, birthdays, remembering or making an effort for big events - he was late to my 21st despite my telling him for weeks how important it was. I went to my graduation in scrappy shoes because he showed up too late to bring my good ones that he was supposed to.
So I guess I always knew what H was like. It's not like he ever changed. Or ever will. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Perhaps I didn't have enough experience or self esteem to believe I could be treated better. I'd break up every 2 weeks but never manage to stay away. I started to see my friends get treated so much better and I would be hurt that I never got to get treated that way.
Until OM. He'd text good morning and good night EVERY DAY without fail. He'd call at lunch, and email through the day. He'd remember what I was doing and what I was stressed or upset about and make an effort. And if I did that back, it made him happy - not like H who just shrugs it off. He'd remember important dates and make the appropriate effort. We still had our fair share of doubts and misunderstandings and hurt and the rest, but he never treated me like I didn't matter. He made me feel like I deserved to be cared about.

Yeah I know all outside validation and I shouldn't be dependent on that. But I am, still. I don't know how to get inside validation.

And the thing is, it's easy to say that he was just caught up in the chemicals and it wouldn't have lasted - and to an extent it would have been true. But H wasn't like that EVEN in the early days when he was caught up in the chemicals. He just NEVER actually cared that much. And never will. Somehow I'm supposed to resign myself to this.

Was reading the 'inspiring story' article. It is interesting. I was wondering how I could apply it to my marriage. I wish I could be wholly responsible for my own happiness. But I don't know how to be. Especially so now that I have responsibilities that take away my ability to pursue my interests and things that make me happy - though I don't know if they count anyway because they are still outside things.
And I guess I also wonder about her time limit. I think if she'd put up with that forever it would not have been a healthy thing, and despite the statement of the kids, the kids would have been damaged by that ongoing. I wonder what she'd done if he'd just carried on, or got worse. Like so many on here he could have so easily decided the answer was in another woman, and created havoc.
And for my marriage... it's not a temporary aberration, it's always been this way. So a time limit would be futile. I'd have to learn to be happy with a half marriage forever.

Been awhile since I popped in here.

Reading your last few posts Mags, you sound a lot like someone justifying an affair or contact with an affair partner.

I guess an unhappy marriage isn't easy to leave but still.... And I do understand how hard it is to feel trapped in an unsatifactory marriage - been there, done that.

I don't know what to say except that I feel for you in so many ways.

I truely hope you sort out your unhappiness and are able to find joy in your life again.

Hi mags,

We haven't commounicated for quite some time. It appears we are both with our spouses, but in different mindsets. As I read your posts, I feel for you. I of course wish you well in your continued healing and I pray for the two of you to develop as a couple. My W and I have worked hard to get to our current place of peace.

Keep working on yourself.... I can tell from what your offer this group that you are a deeply caring person and I hope with time your H will see that and appreciate your for your gifts.

Peace.

Thanks Tiggy and Steven for your wishes.
Anyway he fixed the phone next day and I felt a bit less abandoned. And he missed us (FINALLY) on the weekend - I guess it's always been the case that he takes longer to miss me then I do to miss him - used to fight about it when we were dating as well. I've got to learn not to blow it out of proportion. I think I learned ways of coping with it (effectively, to get my social contact - and eventually other contact - from people other than him), but the whole baby thing has blown those ways out of the water and I need to find some new ones.
That said I'm still not feeling that positive about the future. The whole scan experience really brought to a head I guess the many and constant ways he has - and always has - and presumably always will - put work ahead of family, and the impact it's likely to have on our family life for as long as we're together. On the one hand it's not something worth breaking up over (I think?) - on the other hand it constantly undermines our relationship because his marriage and family is never his first priority, it's always a big fight to maintain a place for us in his life. And it's like watching him self destruct as well - the more he works the more stressed he gets and the more he hopes to fix it by spending even MORE time at work, the more he has family time, exercise and meditates, the better he feels and the more perspective he has - yet he fights the latter to buy time for the former. Anyway not much I can do about that I guess - he knows it, acknowledges it, but is seemingly helpless to change it.
Man this counselling business is a damned expensive venture. I really do hope it has some helpful impact. I do take some comfort from knowing that this time (first few years of kids) is, according to research, the rockiest time for most marriages, so I guess instead of trying to fix everything for the future I could try more of the just surviving this few years as well as we can. It's circular though - these years would BE a lot more survivable if he took as much interest in home as he does in work. Ah well. Round and round and round. I remember when I was a kid and merry-go-rounds used to be fun! Ah well - the price of age...

Hi mags! I've been on vacation, so missed the last few go-rounds with your husband. But then again, it's still the same merry-go-round, so it's not so hard to hop on, you know? (No blame from me, there. Just noting that things haven't shifted yet.)

Tough dilemma you have there: Are you willing to stay married to a man who puts work ahead of you and the kids?

I hope you can quiet down and really look at the question sometime soon. It's an important one.

quote:

Are you willing to stay married to a man who puts work ahead of you and the kids?

Yep this is what I struggle with. I can't seem to let go of the hope that things can be different. Apparently I'm extremely bad at acceptance - I struggle to change stuff in the face of all evidence that it can't be changed.

Well the answer to that question, a year and a half ago, would be no. It would be tough because the bio clock is running out, but I think maybe if I'd known that this situation was for good, I'd have taken my chances out in the wide world to see if I could find someone with whom I could have the marriage I seek.

Now with a bub and one on the way... it's all awful. I can't say yes, because it's not the marriage I want or the parenting I want for my kids. But I can't say no, because of the alternatives. They would be horrible for me - financially, emotionally, help-with-kids-wise.... and they would be not very nice for the kids either. Sure I could luck out - happen to find some perfect guy who would be an involved husband and a good father to two kids not his - but honestly what are the chances. Realistically I would be exposing the kids to fragmented parenting that would be more damaging to them than the current absent-father parenting. So the practical answer is - yeah I guess that it would be wiser to stay married to a man who puts work ahead of me AND his kids, rather than leave him.
However the emotional answer is still no - I just can't begin to see how to cope with this. I can't seem to give up the hope that something will change. What I'm asking for isn't just what's best for me, for the kids, it's what makes his life better too. And yet he will still never make it happen.

I know I need to find a way to accept that I can't change somebody else, and just deal with the deck of cards I've drawn, however unfair it feels. However I haven't found a way to accept it yet. I don't even know why - perhaps it's his constant promises that it will change, or my preconceptions of who he is or something. To everyone - including me - he always seemed like somebody who was so family oriented, loved kids and would do anything for them etc. - that I don't think anybody knew that work would still rule his life once he had them. Maybe that's the image I need to work on changing in my head.

I don't know. I don't know how to make myself accept this and stop struggling to change it.

Any ideas?

quote:

I don't know. I don't know how to make myself accept this and stop struggling to change it.

sometimes for whatever reason, people open their eyes and see what they are missing. That might happen someday with Y or it might not.

and sometimes they don't open their eyes, so you have to weigh out your choices. If you left him, who knows if you would ever meet anyone you would love enough to marry.

tonight I was driving home and I got sad. Sometimes I wish so badly that I had someone at home waiting for me. I have friends, I have family, I have children, I am never alone, but I don't have that one person who will hug me and say, I love you as only a spouse/significant other can. And I know as a single parent now, my responsibilities lie with my child. So there is a good chance I might never have that in my life, that I will be alone.

We have to take chances Mags. Question is, which chance do you take? And as always, now with two young children, you have to take them in consideration first.

It's very confusing. And it does make me sad to think that I might be alone for the rest of my life when it comes to the area of relationships.

If only people would behave the way we want them to!!!!!!! Darn it

Oh wait, there would be no SYMC

Hi Mags

Like J just back from vacation too and trying to catch up (you should see how long the grass is ).

I had a thought reading your posts from the last weeks .... about acceptance. I think we westerners have a hard time with the concept. It seems to me when we talk about accepting something we have the idea that means we should *be ok* with whatever the issue is. So ... in your situation, for exapmple, acceptance would mean being just fine with your h's neglect and lack of consideration. But, at least when I talk about acceptance, that's not what it means at all.

We westerners have a hard time holding divergent views at the same time. We tend toward polarity - black and white - this way or that. It's important to keep in mind the concept of acceptance, when we talk about personal happiness, evolution, and transformation, comes to us from eastern philosophy where holding divergent views is part and parcel of the mode of thinking.

So when we talk about acceptance we have to shift our minds a bit. Acceptance means seeing reality for what it is. Acknowledging what is going on with cold clarity. It does not mean agreeing that what we see and acknowledge is ok. Acceptance doesn't mean we have no choices. In fact ... when we can hold that something is what it is AND that we have choices we become more empowered rather than less so.

I'll go back to the map of reality analogy we've talked about before (since I spend a great deal of time being lost ). Let's say I have a map that's outdated and does not match the road. I can either be upset and angry and complain about the road not being where I think it should be (failure to accept reality)... Or I can admit my map (my belief of how things should be) does not match what really is (acceptance).

Now - look at the options I have within each framework. Acceptance - admitting what I want to have is not the way it is - allows me to look for choices. I can stop and ask for directions. I can buy a new map. I can wander down different roads looking for a way to where I want to go. I can pull off and get a snack. All without a whole lot of distress because I know the map is flawed. Doesn't mean I have to like it - I can be pretty darn unhappy about the entire mess. But I realize *I* need to do something different because the road (reality) is not going to magically change to match what I think it should be.

OTOH - If I can't accept that my map is off I'm stuck. I keep trying to make the road match something that's skewed. As long as I do that I can complain about the road but until I come to accept that it's not what I think it ought to be the rest of my choices are dimmed out.

Does that make any sense?

hugs

P

quote:

If only people would behave the way we want them to!!!!!!!

Well precisely! Honestly, people are so inconsiderate...

Penny... yes, that makes more sense. I still don't quite know how to go about doing it - reaching acceptance - but it does seem more 'doable', the idea of not necessarily being ok with it, but moving on anyway.
I've always been such a black and white thinker, this whole A experience made me a lot more empathetic but black and white is still my default I think.

I dunno. My mold seems to be that I'm a fighter. I remember as a small child wanting to be a lawyer because I liked arguing, and I wanted to change things and make them better. I later realised that my capacity to change the world was less than my wish to, so I ended up avoiding law because the unfairness would just frustrate me. I avoid a lot of stuff I feel I can't change these days because injustice etc. bugs the crap out of me and I don't seem to have the capacity to accept it - I avoid knowing about it as my defence to the frustration of not being able to change it. My instinct is to fight, and there's too many things that need fighting for and not enough that I can make a difference by fighting for.

And these days it seems what I'm fighting is life itself. Went to work today and enjoyed it tremendously - who said I'd miss K my first day in? It was heaven - it's perfect to me to have her entertained and fed by someone else during the day and then just see her in the evening for a few hours and enjoy her. I feel like a terrible mother, it scares me. I love seeing her, but not all day. I find 'kid stuff' - kids books, songs, games, etc. - mind numbingly boring. Yikes. Hmmm anyway that's a tangent.
But I came home to all the tidying and admin and long to do lists and repetitive tasks, and now, although H has been great, I'm just feeling so down. It's like life is one big fight. And not a fight against something worthwhile - a fight against life. I want a simpler life. But there is always all this crap to do, stuff to put away, chores - just an endless stream of meaningless tasks that add no value but stop life going completely off the rails. It's depressing me. It just feels like I'm fighting life.

I don't know how to change something so deep in me as fighting. I know I need to, it's messing me up. And I need to learn a way to let go, relax, step away from it all as well. I get stressed out by stuff that hasn't happened yet - my pelvis is starting to twinge and will soon be causing all manner of problems - but it's NOT causing major problems (some minor ones) right now, plus I'm full of 2nd trimester energy (as long as I keep my sleep up), and life should be quite manageable right now - but instead it's stressful because of fears of the future hanging over me.

Any recommendations for some good tapes/training/something to learn to meditate a bit and let things go? More and more this feels like the only option I haven't tried with a realistic prospect of helping things. I'll have to find the time somewhere - but currently I don't have a place to start, or a method to start with.

I'm just so tired of fighting. I want to rest.