Wait..... you had fun at work? Without the baby??? You mean, you mean you LEARNED something about yourself, which is you love your daughter, but not Every. Single. Minute. Of. Every. Day?

Cool.

So here's what I think. I think you should build on that. For example, can the person who was watching K also do some supper prep for you? My babysitter used to do that for me occasionally and it made my life much easier. And I also asked her to make sure that she had the house cleaned up from the day of activities before I came home. Not deep cleaning, just picking up all the toys and clothes that had been used during the day, stuff like that.

I actually love repetitive tasks, so I'm not going to be a great person to help you figure out how to deal with those. My brain really needs a break from all the head-only work that I do, so when I come home and weed the garden or sweep the floor, that's actually a time when I'm basically meditating. It's very peaceful for me, but may not work as well for you.

So you say you're so tired of fighting and just want to rest. I'm going to take that to a really simple level -- are you actually, physically exhausted? I spent most of DD's first four years exhausted, and I bet you are pretty literally exhausted, too. How are you sleeping and eating at the moment? Anything you can do there?

My inlaws are watching K - I don't feel right asking them to do anything more as it's already a pretty huge favour them taking her for 2 days a week - don't think they really did that for either of the daughters - think it's because the MIL feels bad for being on holiday in K's first three (horrible) months! In fact that's why the supper prep is taking over my life a little - I used to just cook something quick when she had to eat - now I'm trying to cook batches of stuff so that I can leave meals with them too.
Hurrumph. I'm hoping once I build up a bit of a frozen stash, and then get into the rhythm of cooking a big batch twice a week, that the load will become more bearable. Trying to cook multiple big batches without really knowing what I'm doing or cooking is wearing me down. I need to find some new recipes and then buy the ingredients etc. Thank HEAVENS K isn't a fussy eater - touch wood.
The plus side is that she's at their house (well a plus side except that it's an hour away from my home and work) so there's no mess at my house from the day!

Yeah, no repetitive tasks are like slow death for me. Maybe once I learn to meditate/relax/control my anxiety I could learn to do them - but at the moment they just drive me nuts, always have. H says it's amazing how much inventiveness can be born out of laziness - most of the cool stuff I do at work is because I would rather spend a day writing a program to automate something that would only take me an hour a week to do the repetitive way, because I just hate it so much.

I'm exhausted physically and mentally. Physically by the constant activity - I've been in perpetual motion since coming back from holiday. There's just so much to DO that's unDONE and then the new baby to prepare for, the current one to adapt to (we STILL haven't cleaned out her room). And mentally by the thought of all this - when I keep still my head just fills with all the stuff I have to do and makes me anxious. It's interesting I've always been a bit prone to depression but for the first time I think I'm developing some sort of anxiety disorder. Even when I'm driving or soemthing where I could not possibly be doing something else at the same time, my mind is racing about all I have to do. And I wake up in the morning feeling ok about it, thinking I'll tick of this this and this (yesterday it was to cook up 3 freezable batches) - but then I do one and I'm phsyically exhausted and have to rest - but then my mind goes down too because I'm just not getting through stuff fast enough. The other thing is that our house is small - good size for a couple, squishy for a bub (this is a source of a lot of our stress - everything is just everywhere as there is not enough storage space), and impossible for two. Two BUBS could probably fit - but not all their stuff - and not room for any of the people who have offerred to come and help us, to stay. So it's this cycle whereby we lose out on other support by not having space. So we are looking to get a granny flat or something (originally hoped to move out but we can't afford it on the one income) which is a whole new level of to do list and stress on top of the just day to day stuff that I'm struggling to cope with.

So anyway that's the exhaustion and the fighting.

Sleep - is so so. On home days it's been great - K is still on Malaysian time so she's sleeping in till 11am - JOY - and the formula has made her afternoon naps predictable. On work days sleep is what I sacrifice - early start and I lose my nap, but she sleeps late so I don't get to make that up. This week by Friday I was jsut plain sleepy and it definitely affected my enjoyment of work - and my competence! :-(

Food is more of a problem. I spend so much time cooking for her I forget to eat, plus she doesn't like me eating if she's not so it just adds a layer of hassle that makes things harder. Crap that reminds me it's 1pm and I haven't had breakfast yet. So the food front is sufferring, definitely. There just doesn't seem to be time.

But the mental exhaustion is a biggy too. I just don't seem to be able to wind down, or calm myself, because of the thought of all this stuff there is to be done. I don't know how much of it is pregnancy hormones and how much of it is just the sheer volume of what we have to accomplish in the next 6 months. But it sucks and it's sucking the life out of me.

Yesterday H slept in till 3pm because he had a headache. I ran around like a headless chook all morning. You can imagine the explosion that followed. And I feel bad, because it's not like he's being slack, he's been great the past couple of weeks. But he doesn't seem to act like he has a baby. He doesn't worry about her food, or her clothes, or assume that he has to be up to take care of her. I've had a headache for the last 4 days (pregnancy sinuses I think) and just had to pop a couple of panadols and plough on. I don't have the luxury of just deciding to sleep in till 3pm while someone else picks up the slack. But then again he needs his recovery time too. I dunno. I guess it's just that there's too much damned work for the both of us to handle.

I'm so confused.
Tonight I told H he could quit his job. That being moneyless was a better option than being divorced.
I'm not sure I did the right thing. I'm not sure I should have caved to the black and white two-option scenario he creates. I'm not sure being moneyless won't create enough stress to end up in us being divorced anyway. I'm not sure being moneyless won't add enough stress to drive me over the edge.

H was happy. He said now at least he knows what to do rather than trying to juggle the two. The thing is, that his inability to balance the two is the problem, the thing which he needs to work on to lead a normal life. Instead of working on it have I given him a way out, whereby he gets to stop balancing despite us needing it for our survival? Argh I don't know my head is just all tangled up.

Effectively what happened is that today K was with the inlaws and he was supposed to pick her up after work (he works near inlaws, I work near home). It's wonderful for me to have this evening once a week where I get to be home without K - usually ends up being chores but it's such a luxury.
I was calling him all day and he was blowing me off. I was pretty irritated about it, but it's a long standing problem. I finally sent him one email "reply required" at about 3pm asking if he was still picking up K. He said yes. My phone dies around 5pm but he has my office number.

7.30pm, still unable to get him on the phone, I leave work and email him to say I'm leaving and my phone is dead (he has blackberry so he gets emails on his phone). I get home at 8.15 (popped by the shops to pick up his FATHERS DAY present, feeling all warm and fuzzy about what a good dad he is and how happy K is when he's with her) - get home to find voice messages from the inlaws asking me to call - I do - and they tell me H is working late and asked if she could stay there the night and I would pick up K tomorrow. An hour away. After spending yesterday and today driving there and back. Sometime while juggling my pregnancy dr's appointment and all the chores I had planned. Without checking with me first.
Somehow, yet again, baby is optional, work is compulsory, and everybody else in his life can dance around his inability to do what he says he will do.
Meantime I'm exhausted because he kept waking up last night and making noise - so I try to call him for an hour with no luck - and eventually leave to trek BACK to town again to pick up K. At least if he'd told me by 7 I could have gone straight from work... but NO - that would be being considerate.

Apparently the story is some work dinner came up with a lot of big shots there - he knew about it 2 weeks ago and forgot - realised at 11am figured he'd go for a short time and get K, and as usual misjudged the time and decided to screw everybody else around so he could stay longer. Knowing she waits for us, is happy once she sees us, etc. etc. - no stuff that - better to play political games at work. That's how much she matters. Or how willing he is to put her off - for later, always for later - so that work can be NOW. Everybody else has to jump hoops because of his lack of organisation and consideration.

I finally got hold of him at 9.30pm and lost it. I told him if I wasn't pregnant I would be getting a divorce now. K loves him and it would wreck her, but he doesn't give a toss about seeing her anyway, it seems, and I can't be responsible for that. Better she get used to him not being around when it's early enough for her to forget what it was like. I said I was at the point where if this was what was required to keep the job, he could choose between the job or the marriage. He was relieved, because he said he thought we needed the job, but if I said we didn't, then he felt better. The trouble is, we DO need it, we are struggling financially with me not working full time and the house being too small. But I don't know - it sure seems like it's costing us the marriage at the moment. I guess the question is whether quitting will cost us the marriage as well.
Anyway he tried to optimise still and said he'd bring K back in the morning. I said he had to leave the dinner immediately and bring her back tonight. I'm just sick of everybody else - the inlaws, K, and me, being made to pay the price for him not keeping his word. If he'd called when he knew this morning, I'd be peeved, but I could make some effort to arrange to get her so he could go to dinner. But this constant business of last minute shoving his responsibilities on other people's plates and assuming that they will pick up his slack - it's not on. I should say "no I'm not getting her" and his parents should say "no we're not keeping her" and he'd be forced to follow through on his word. But they are nice, and try to accommodate (enable?) him/us.

Ramble ramble ramble I guess I'm venting. I'm just all confused. I'm glad he's bringing her back tonight, even though it's going to be really late for her by the time she gets on the road, and her sleep will be screwed, but hopefully she'll be happier because she gets to see him and me. I'm glad he's bringing her back because I'm too tired to drive anymore. But I think mostly I'm glad because it's him doing what he said he'd do, despite inconvenience/cost, and that's what I've rarely/never seen from him. I'm not happy with the cost - I don't want him to lose his job - but either I'm not taking that risk seriously enough, or else seeing him try to be responsible to his family first instead of his job is worth more to me.

I dunno - I'm still angry - and yet the stress and tension I felt building up in me to the extent I was sure I was going to crash the car on the way there, started drifting away as I drove home again. From "I'm to angry to sleep" to "I could sleep on my feet right now". I don't really know what's going on in my head. How is worrying about what time he'll bring K back less stressful than just going over to the inlaws? How is losing an evening of relaxing/chores trying to compensate for his ambiguous activities somehow not working me up anymore? Maybe I'm just glad to be home (last 2 nights were at the inlaws). All I know is I'm glad I told him to screw his job and bring her back here tonight. I guess I'll have to face the consequences some other day.

What's new, Mags?

Sorry I haven't had much to say to you recently.

I feel a tad bit out of my realm with the whole little one and another one on the way with a whole house to take care of alone bit. It seems overwhelming!

But, wanted to check in and see how it has been going recently?

Hey bunny! Glad to hear things going so well on your thread over there :-)

Things here - well not so bad. As you can see we still melt down. But I've been heaps happier since going back to work. It really makes me enjoy my work time a lot more as it's not the daily grind, but also my time with K a lot more as it's not a daily thing. I think I must have had it right when I was 5yo and planned to have 5 jobs and do 1 day a week at each - a change is as good as a holiday as they say!
That said I'm also run ragged - having 2 days taken out of my week means I've had to get a lot more organised with chores and stuff and I'm not really keeping up with things at the moment. I run and run but unless everything goes exactly to plan and K sleeps at the right times and I get every green light etc etc I barely manage to just stop myself getting more behind. Let alone get ahead enough to try and organise some renovations before the new baby comes. So I'm pretty stressed as well. And my pelvis issue from last pregnancy has kicked in early and that's REALLY messing me up as I can't walk and carry K and do stuff the way I could before - and looking down the barrel of 5 months of that escalating is scaring the crap out of me. Especially as it means we might have to move in with the inlaws for a few months - GAWD. They drive me nuts in a day normally! So I'm a combination of happier but extremely fearful of the future!
My work thing has been good for the relationship too. One of the days I work, H picks up K from his parents after work - so however late he finishes that day (midnight once! don't ask. poor k) ends up torturing his parents instead of me - selfish I know but it helps! And instead I get an evening at home to do stuff (chores unfortunately) without being interrupted by K. Another 2 days of the week I pick him up from work on my way to his parents place. So we're left with only 1 or 2 days of the week where what time he gets home has a big impact on my day, which has been helpful. Also I think the economy improving and what I told him the other week (basically along the lines of better to lose your job than your family) has made him a teeny bit less fearful of losing his job, so HOPEFULLY he can translate this to being more assertive there. He's also been pretty good at home and stuff the last couple of weeks, which helps when I'm running myself into the ground.

So I dunno. It's all been sort of better but none of it is stuff that is really sustainable. As my pelvis goes I'm going to need him to do more, which will cause stress, and moving in with the inlaws will cause untold stress. And of course in 5 months everything changes again AND I'll be back at home full time again - and if I'm struggling to keep up now, I can't even IMAGINE how bad it's going to be then! It scares me how many people have told me "yeah... until I had a 2nd kid I didn't realise how easy it is looking after just one..."....um.... GREAT...

But I guess it's just a matter of don't think too much about it just keep paddling and hope I can keep my head above the water! At least I'm really enjoying the feeling of actually getting stuff done again, because of work. And K is SUCH a beautiful age at the moment and I'm really enjoying that... when she's having a good day... (i.e. NOT today!)

Hey Mags--

This is probably one of the best updates I've read from you, ever!

It seems you are struggling with feeling selfish for taking care of yourself and doing things that make you happy... (am I right?).

Well... when you're on an airplane.... and the pressure drops, and those yellow masks come down from the ceiling... what does the flight attendant say to do? PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST, BEFORE YOU HELP OTHERS! You can't help someone else if you're passed out in the walkway!

In terms of H picking up K at his parents... its not selfish (of YOU) that he keeps his parents waiting until midnight to pick up K. That has nothing to do with you. That's between his parents and him. And eventually K, when she's old enough. You've let go of that situation, instead of trying to micromanage it-- which is good. If he's not going to pick her up until midnight (and therefore not get to see her much), and probably annoy his parents... those are HIS burdens to bear, not yours.

It seems that chores and getting stuff done around the house seem to be a big burden on you too. Have you ever thought of getting help around the house? Especially now with you back to work... even if it is only every 2 weeks or once a month for a good scrubbing... it might really help you out and lighten your load.

Probably a cheerier update than usual because you asked! Otherwise I tend to leave the analysis from when I'm really p*ssed about something and everything seems bad! When things are going well I tend to just roll along and not think much.

I must say the whole feeling selfish for taking care of myself thing isn't a big issue - I do sometimes but not enough to not do it - it's more that I don't have the chance at all TO take care of myself. Work piles up and if I let it, weighs on my mind and makes me feel worse. I still go to my mums groups which is 'non productive' time, but I tend to see any time spent with K as 'productive' because I'd have to entertain her some other way otherwise. It's just handy that this way gets me some social contact too!
At the moment I'm just constantly stressed about what's undone. What I DO need to do is track down some sort of meditation/relaxation stuff I can build into my routine to curb the anxiety. Ummm.... that's on the 'to do' list!

HAHA - my H uses that mask excuse to stuff his face with food when K is screaming for hers! NOT impressive - I guess I just can't relax when she's screaming, so I end up feeding her instead of me.

Yeah with his parents thing - I do feel bad as them taking her for the day is primarily benefitting me - but I sort of don't too because if they let him get away with that stuff it's their call. They obviously brought him up that way!!!

Yeah the chores thing - I'd be happy to outsource. We have a cleaner every fortnight which is nice. At the moment my main loads seem to be laundry, shopping and cooking for K, and then just organising stuff - declutterring, packing stuff to go here and there, unpacking it, bills, admin things. And to tell the truth it wouldn't be a big load if K would just entertain herself and let me DO it. But some days - like today - she just won't let me leave her to her own devices, and then I get nothing done. It would be nice if I could outsource the laundry shopping and cooking for her as that stuff could be done by somebody else, but I don't really know who could do that. The adminny stuff will never go away.

But I must say, I don't know why I'm having so much trouble with it. How do normal people manage? I feel kind of inadequate that I can't cope with this basic stuff. It's not more than a normal person with a kid copes with. I have NO idea how I'm going to cope with two!

quote:

But I must say, I don't know why I'm having so much trouble with it. How do normal people manage? I feel kind of inadequate that I can't cope with this basic stuff. It's not more than a normal person with a kid copes with. I have NO idea how I'm going to cope with two!

I open my mail once a year if it needs it or not. Usually by that time it's almost entirely pointless and can be tossed If I can't do it online I don't want to deal with it. I detest paper!

You're not the only one who struggles with this stuff.

P

quote:

I open my mail once a year if it needs it or not. Usually by that time it's almost entirely pointless and can be tossed If I can't do it online I don't want to deal with it. I detest paper!

Me too!!! This is kind of what kicked me off. I had a few months of doing that and then suddenly came back from holiday and opened some mail and found everything was going to be handed over to the debt collectors! Electricity about to be shut off, phone, internet WAS shut off - made me realise I had to buck up and get things back in control. And then I tried to do my usual expenses - which is probably overkill but I like it as it makes me feel like I have a handle on things - but I can't bloomin' download half the stuff cos I've left it too long! Gotta go find paper statements and stuff - YUCK! Why can't they email me the **** things.

quote:

You're not the only one who struggles with this stuff.

Well that's a relief. I feel like I'm nuts or something. This is just daily running a house stuff, I'm not trying to run a business or do anything out of the ordinary. And yet I just can't seem to keep up.

You know bunny, I think you may have been right after all. About feeling guilty spending time on me. On putting my stuff first, ever. I never used to, as I'm pretty selfish and put myself first regularly. But now that K is here - she comes first. And unless she's fed, entertained, happy, with some buffer - I don't attend to myself. The other day I didn't eat till dinner time. I'm PREGNANT for chrissakes there's another baby to feed in there - but it all goes out the window if she's crabby. Then today wanted to do some tidying and organising but it was all her stuff. My stuff is still undone. Then had a stuffup in terms of taking her to the doctor but she was asleep, and H ended up yelling at me because, well, we were both stressed but I'm the punching bag. And I realised - I'm just OVER it. I'm OVER being responsible for her. He HELPS, I'm RESPONSIBLE. I field the D*MNED advice from every corner, make the decision what to do, and then if it turns out not to work - it's all MY fault. I can delegate him tasks and he's wonderful about doing them. But who knows if she's out of clothes so laundry needs to be done? Who has to make sure there's food for her? Who, if we go out, has to make sure her every need is in the baby bag? Who makes sure she has clean bibs? Who has to make sure there's clothes for her when she outgrows a size? Who makes sure she eats when she's hungry? I can delegate him to feed her - but if I don't she'll scream for 4 hours before he figures out she could be hungry. But -I- am the one who cops it if any of this DOESN'T run to plan. His mum is complaining because her clothes are too small. His dad is complaining because she had "three servings" of the same thing instead of having dessert (HELLO it's THREE SERVINGS because you warmed up ONE SERVING in THREE SMALL PORTIONS - and who the heck has dessert after every meal??? Why would I get a kid used to that if she's happy without it???). His parents complain because I wanted to wake her for her nap. Now they'll complain because I didn't wake her so she hasn't been to the doctor. SOMEHOW I'm supposed to be SUPERWOMAN and if I am - nothing - no benefit - it's not like she's any happier to see me than she is to see H, her grandparents, etc. But oh if I DONT - well then I cop it.
Yes I'm having a major vent. I'm just SICK of this default assumption that everything to do with the baby is my responsibility. And it's crazy because I get so much help from H and his parents. But it's HELP, not RESPONSIBILITY. Though I am going to tell H's dad that if he wants her to have a friggin 3 course meal every time she eats then HE can cook it, instead of ME having to cook all the time so I have food to take over there for her. Problem is HE thinks kids should be given things they 'like' (i.e. he likes) - sugar, juice, biscuits whatever. Notwithstanding K is a savouries girl and happy that way. But sweets are treats therefore we are depriving her.

AAAAAAGH!!!!

Hmmm. My original point. Lost it.

Well last night H said he was thinking of going on this full day meditation course on Sunday. Oh really? Plan to mention that to me at any stage or just assumed, as always, that he's the free agent and the babybuck stops with me? And he wants to go every month.
And the thing is, this is - or could be - fine ('could be' is if he actually starts meditating regularly like I've been asking him to rather than just dropping me in it to go on a course and then doing nothing about it). I think it's a good thing for him to do. And a day a month is doable. But the ASSUMPTION that he can just DECIDE to do something like that and I will pick up the pieces as usual, really rubs me the wrong way. I can't even IMAGINE taking up a 1 day a month hobby and informing him that I'm going to be doing it and assuming that he'll take baby. I'd ask sure, and discuss it with him. But to be honest, it wouldn't even occur to me. I just assume that I've gotta do baby stuff and can't make commitments that big.

And then today when I realised that I spent all my 'free' time doing baby's chores instead of my own, I realised it's true. I do put her in front of me. I don't even need 'me' time for pedicures and anything indulgent. I'd LOVE some me time to just do things I NEED to do that would take some pressure off my brain - my tax return, my expenses, my filing, sort out my maternity clothes, etc. But I always push that stuff back to do the her chores.

And I'm sick of it. I guess I need to find a way to do the 'my' stuff - that I can't ask for H's help with - and leave the 'her' stuff for when he's around. Then he might have a better idea of what it is I'm running around DOING all day. He's happy to help, but because when he comes home I've done all the 'her' stuff, he just wants to watch a movie together so my stuff doesn't ever happen.
Today the cleaner came and the house looks great. He goes "I just love knowing I've got nothing else to do for a fortnight".
I almost died.
Really??? Cos I have to cook a batch of food for K tomorrow - and Wed - and we have three overflowing buckets of laundry to fold - 5 sacks of clothes in K's room that need to be sorted - 2 tax returns (3 if you count his last years), food and nappies to shop for - and so on and so on. But our old life used to be that there was just the cleaning to do, and that was pretty much all the chores we did. And that's STILL his life. But it's not mine anymore.

vent vent vent

Anyway I'm going to start finding a way to do some of MY stuff first. Wish me luck.

I finished my expenses! What a waste of a weekend... but... I feel so much more in control now! And I can start my tax return!
Gawd the things I get excited about these days...

And H finished his shed!

So now we're both happy. I'm thinking of getting him a solar shed light since who knows if/when he'll get the place wired up, plus I never got around to getting his b'day gift. Wonder what my chances are of installing it myself and surprising him. Hmmm... I guess not good with my pelvis/pregnancy and ladders. ****. Wish I knew some handypersons I could ask. Waaaaah.... I have no FRIENDS!!!

We're both in a good mood today actually 'cos the cleaner came yesterday so the house is clean BUT... also organised - I packed up K's too-small clothes and unpacked her next size up (wish I'd done that before buying stuff - turns out I have a lot!) - also packed away my too-small stuff and unpacked my maternity (it's really ANNOYING to open the door each day to a PACKED wardrobe of which NOTHING fits). Plus folded a whole lotta laundry. And did I mention did my expense?
No filing yet. I'll be even happier when I've filed.
I didn't cook for K either which is annoying - but also these days she has sandwiches some days so that takes the pressure off having to have 2 cooked meals in the day.

Anyone wanna fly over here and help me install a shed light???

quote:

Anyone wanna fly over here and help me install a shed light???

I'm on my way....

quote:

it's all MY fault. I can delegate him tasks and he's wonderful about doing them. But who knows if she's out of clothes so laundry needs to be done? Who has to make sure there's food for her? Who, if we go out, has to make sure her every need is in the baby bag? Who makes sure she has clean bibs? Who has to make sure there's clothes for her when she outgrows a size? Who makes sure she eats when she's hungry? I can delegate him to feed her - but if I don't she'll scream for 4 hours before he figures out she could be hungry. But -I- am the one who cops it if any of this DOESN'T run to plan. His mum is complaining because her clothes are too small. His dad is complaining because she had "three servings" of the same thing instead of having dessert (HELLO it's THREE SERVINGS because you warmed up ONE SERVING in THREE SMALL PORTIONS - and who the heck has dessert after every meal??? Why would I get a kid used to that if she's happy without it???). His parents complain because I wanted to wake her for her nap. Now they'll complain because I didn't wake her so she hasn't been to the doctor. SOMEHOW I'm supposed to be SUPERWOMAN and if I am - nothing - no benefit - it's not like she's any happier to see me than she is to see H, her grandparents, etc. But oh if I DONT - well then I cop it.

I LOVE MAJOR VENTS!!!!!!!! K is getting bigger, she can eat more of stuff that doesn't have to be prepared days in advance. I have been known to cut the feet out of something for G in a pinch when she was a baby. Also, packing that darn diaper bag...Can I tell you how many times I forgot stuff and we had to stop at CVS for a bottle a pacifier, formula...you name it. We do the best we can Mags. And if the best isn't perfect, then so be it...It's all okay. And by all means, tell them to cook K dinner and get over it.

You will be adding another baby to the mix in short order...I ADMIRE you for having any sanity at all. There is a reason I spaced mine 18 years apart

Woohoo Sandy's back! Still waiting to hear what's happening with you young lady!

WELL - last night I almost finished my tax return! In just one night!!! Feeling so much better about things. It's ok that the 'to do' list is long as long as stuff does occasionally actually DROP OFF it.

Downside is I'm getting more and more immobile with this **** pelvis. Going to have to move in with the inlaws pretty soon and there's already stress there. Last night H's mum was complaining that we don't make the bed when we go - I've been trying really hard to make it there even though we don't at home - but it's against a wall and I can't lean over or climb over anymore - plus she's one of those where the bed has a gazillion layers of sheets and blankets instead of just a doona like ours - so it still looks messy after I've had a go - I'm not sure WTH I'm supposed to do.
Y says it's just because she's feeling the impingement on her space, it's not really about the bed. But there will be a whole lot more impingement if I move in there. Gah. I'm hoping maybe instead she was p*ssed because we came over, handed them K and then went and worked on our computers. Well I've had K all day! It was worth it for a nearly done tax return...

quote:

I'm not sure WTH I'm supposed to do.

Close the door?

If you're going to be there full time or nearly full time I don't know why she would need to see the inside of your bedroom. Isn't that private space?

P

I dunno. I sort of feel like it's her house so she gets to call the shots. Certainly now, while we're there 2 nights a week, because she can use the room, have other guests, etc. the rest of the time. So I feel pressured to keep the room as presentable as she would like.

Once we're there more full time... hmmm... interesting point. It's funny how it's harder to say to inlaws what you feel fine saying to your parents. Early on I told my mum I didn't want to make my bed because I didn't see the point as I'd only sleep in it again. And she must have been tired that day, because she allowed it, and I only had to make it when there were guests (in case they passed the room?).

But it's a good point. If I can't have my space there when we move in there properly I'm not going to survive. Perhaps that's what I'll do... currently we come for the night and then take all our stuff in the morning and go. Once I'm there... I'll spread all my crap around the room... make it look lived in... and it'll be so messy the bed will be the least of her concerns... she'll WANT to just shut the door...!

(sigh) ... thing is, if it's like H says and it's actually to do with something else - i.e. her not being able to handle people in her space for very long... then according to him it'll come out in numerous of these little ways. If that happens... well I guess I have to play it by ear, but it's going to be horribly stressful. I HATE being so helpless. And it absolutely absolutely sucks having no other real option. I mean really, if she does get unreasonable and say "my way or the highway" - I will have nowhere else to go.

I need to figure out this renovation business. If we could get a spare room maybe we could blow the budget for a few months and get some live in help. At the moment we just seem to have no options.

Is it really too much to ask that I EXIST to my significant other? That I’m not completely invisible?

I’ve been trying to reach acceptance of the fact that H DOES NOT WILL NOT CAN NOT think of me, K, or pretty much anything other than his work during working hours (which, unfortunately, goes till whatever hour I can track him down, usually after an hour of trying, and remind him to come home, several hours after he promises to be).
He doesn’t reply to emails, won’t return phone calls, if I get hold of him will “call me back in 5 minutes” and that’s the last I hear of it, etc. It’s frustrating, and I believe irresponsible.
But it’s not going to change, so I’ve been working on acceptance. And, I thought, not doing too badly.

Apparently not. Because last night was really the last straw. He went off interstate – was very good about doing it when I could work around it – so I was ok. I was at home alone with K for the whole day, which does always get to me by night time, plus sleeping alone being alone in the house etc. Tried to go get some videos – car won’t start. Call him up to find out what to do – he’s in the middle of dinner and will call me after (this is at 9pm when he said he’d be in bed, but that’s fine).
By 11pm I still have no call. I call, I text, I email – nothing. Pregnant wife and baby home alone with no transport in an emergency – and he can’t even spare us enough caring to call and see how we’re doing, what’s happening, etc.
So I assume he’s either gone back to hotel and fallen asleep, or will call later.
Nope, by 10am this morning we still don’t exist to him. He’s gotten drunk at a friends place “I’m so tired I’ll be in bed by 9”, finished up at 12, RECIEVED my text asking him to call, my email upset that he doesn’t care – and still not thought maybe he should a) text to see if I’m up, b) call in the morning to check we’re ok/apologise, c) email... at the very least.

Out of sight out of mind. Out of mind... and he never gets back IN sight.

This is not what I consider a relationship. I would like to be in a situation where I EXIST to my significant other. Where they CARE about my wellbeing – and their daughters. I’m TIRED of being invisible.

It's my birthday tomorrow and we were going to go out for dinner and a movie. Which I have to organise, because he won't. And no, I won't get a gift.
Why would I want to go out for dinner with somebody who has to be forced to notice me or respond to me?
I should probably arrange to go see my friend up the coast or something instead.

So, mags... (that's devil's advocate )

What would have happened if at 11 pm, (or whatever time he said he'd call back but didn't)... you simply decided that since he wasn't going to help... you'd help yourself and call a tow truck to tow the car to be fixed? Even if it was something simple that he could have helped you thru on the phone?

That's what you would have done if you were "truly" alone, right?

If he gets annoyed about the bill for something simple and stupid... well, too bad. Guess he should have called back, eh?

Whatcha think?

I called him to find out if we had roadside assist - then decided to call them in the morning because it would be better if they started the car just before I was going to drive it, so it wouldn't re-flatten overnight. Luckily, in the morning it started.

But it wasn't the car I was upset about. Even without the car breaking down - his behaviour was totally inconsiderate. It's the complete lack of existence that we have in my H's head unless we are literally RIGHT in front of his eyes that upsets me...

I'm feeling squeezed.
MIL wants me to change workdays so she can go to her fitness class, which means I have to drop mothers group, which I was hoping to keep up as long as possible to form some support networks in my area.
H is totally uninterested in the whole issue - when I bring it up he listens and offers suggestions, but somehow it is MY problem to solve, not his.
His mum needs to get somewhere tomorrow and needs a lift but I'll be at work.
This is also my problem not his.
For some reason all problems are addressed at me by his mother, and I need to make some sort of sacrifice to solve them, and he offers polite feedback/listening but no responsibility.

What I want to know is - when did this baby become MY baby not HIS???

None of the requests are unreasonable. I'm just feeling pressured by this juggling and the fact that I have to find a way to make things fit together, as if I'm the only parent to this child. And I'm feeling really crappy about having to drop mothers group - I don't want to do it. An option is to put her in daycare but I'd have to leave work earlier than my normal hours to pick her up - and also wake her up 3 hours before her normal waking time to get her there. And AGAIN - it will be MY responsibility and I will have to pull in favours etc. from work to make it happen.
Why? Isn't it his baby too? Or has he somehow done his 'bit' by having parents who are kind enough to look after K?

It's fairly straightforward, mags, although you struggle with accepting the reality. It's not that it's his baby or your baby. It's simply that you are the manager of the household and all things associated with it. His job is to go to out and bring home resources. Yours is to make everything else function.

There are decent evolutionary reasons for it, of course. And lordy, I know how hard it is to manage it in the first few years! But you know, it's your responsibility because it -is-.

What I don't understand is how you have actually spent more than a year denying the reality that you're in. No wonder you're so exhausted!

Oh, and yes, I know, you wrote that note ten days ago and your entire mood has changed at least twice a day since then.