Hi. I am new to this site but have posted on other sites with good results. Need some help as I am stuck in a rut.

I have been married 4 years and have a D3. Almost 5 months ago H and I were not getting along well at all. Lots of arguing. I could not take anymore and asked him to leave. He did. Went to live with his mom(is still there).

Her & I do not like each other but we do tolerate each other and I give her respect. When H & I first S he was coming over every day to see D and staying all hours of the night. That has since been cut down a little.

I have done a lot of work on myself FOR myself and have become a better person. I have read a lot of books and learned a lot thus far. We get along great and are still together every day BUT I can not seem to get him back home He is loving towards me and finally acting like a H should.

I feel he is wanting to come home but is holding back. His mom moves out of state in March and I think he carries a lot of guilt that he had not spent much time with her our whole M (his decision).

I have started doing things on my own (gym..going out..etc) and he always wants me to be here when he is here. I don't know what else to do or try. We are stuck in this pattern and I need a way to change it. I can not go on like this forever.

I had given him D papers 2 months ago and they are in his car (unread). I told him I will NOT be the one to file...he will have to. Well D does not get discussed(thankfully). I want my M to work. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Hello and welcome to SYMC. I don't have any advice right now, just a question to help my understanding of your situation. When his mother moves in March, what does he plan on doing?

Well back when the D papers were given to him I told him that we would not have the money to file until tax time. He made the comment that he guessed he would be homeless then because there would be no money left.

We usually get back a good return every year and this one will be no different. So I went over all that with him. Told him that he would not be homeless and we would get him a place and get him all set up. I also told him he is always welcome to come back home.That was the end of the discussion.

He has made no mention since, about what he is planning to do when she is moved. He is NOT looking at houses or anything else that I know of. We went to a friend of mine's house yesterday and she kinda observed a little and told me this morning that she saw the way he looks at me and there is no doubt in her mind that he still loves me and does not want out.

I hear that from a LOT of people who know the both of us when they see us together. Even his male friends say that he would not hang around as much as he does or try to be close to me in anyway if he were done.

But of course no one can read his mind so who knows what is going on up there

Hi -
There are lots of more experianced folks than I so take this as light on authority and high in caring.

Maybe he's scared, or feels he'll look less manly if he moves back in? Or feels the old patterns will re-emerge.

I think honesty statements could help here. You could say very much what you steted here. I hear you saying you appreciate the time and space he gave you. You used the time to look at your own live and you feel ready to try some new ways... etc... And if you mention the D papers you might ask for them back (since your not planning to need them

I think it's hard to resist honest appreciation and an respectful request from one he still clearly has a relationship with.

All the best to both of you,
SeekingBeter

I think he may be a little scared as well. A couple months back we were talking about the changes that I have made within myself(he mentioned them) and he also made the statement that he would hate to come back and have it boomerang in his face.

I did tell him that I do not want the M we had before. He agreed. We have talked a lot about the things that were wrong and ways that they should have been handled.

But I don't know if he is trying to tell me it is too little too late or if he is just waiting...for what...I don't know.

Thanks for responding. I need all the help I can get. I am willing to try whatever I have to to get this right and where it should be.

Hi -

Hang in there. I'm doubting the 'too little & late' end. There may be more concern that he's not going to measure up. You may want to offer that you don't expect perfection.

All the best and keep us posted.
SB

He has been great lately. Acting like a husband in all ways except sleeping here. He keeps referring to himself as my "husband" or refers to me as his "wife".

What I don't understand is how he can "act" like we are husband/wife with him living outside the home still.

I know he is not ready to move back right now. I just don't get how he can think I am ok with "acting" like everything is normal when it is not.

I keep being positive and upbeat when he is around. Some days though, it just weighs on me. I get angry I guess with myself because here I am changing and doing everything I can to show him we can have a better M and yet we are in this pattern.

Sorry if I am rambling. Having a hard time sorting all this out today. I am trying to hang in there until he comes to his senses or until I figure out what I need to do to keep my M or to just end it.

There you are: A flock of angels to hold you up today!

Patience - He may really enjoy being with you and not want to face up to his responsibility. This board si a bit slow right now. I'd get some input from those with better credentials than mine. Maybe it's to easy for him in this situation. I think honesty statements can help you here. Not a lot of talk, just "I really liked that you did X tonight, and I miss being with you more".

Good Luck!
SB

Thank you for the angels Yes I think this is easy for him. But that makes me feel like I am being run over by him. Like he is maybe taking advantage of me.

Kinda having his cake and eating it too. Which is why I detach as much as possible but he does not like that and tries to find a way to keep me from being able to do it even though he does not know what I am up to when I do it. Make sense?

He wants me giving HIM all the attention and everything else but I am trying to not be so available for him.

The honesty statements have been rolling out me lately pretty good. I think that plays a part in why he is being so "husband" like and wanting to be close more.

I now know what I have to do to "draw" him back to me but how do I get him to want to come home? Or to at least get a comment out of him suggesting he might. Am I expecting too much?

I have worked a LOT on my patience and am getting better as far as being patient with HIM but being patient with the situation is another story.

Hi -

I'd like to here from someone with more experiance. I am fairly certain you're on the right track. Reducing your availability. I'm hearing a rising resentment. Keep a lid on it - let's not add to the strains of the holiday season

Also as you reduce your availability I'd let him know that you miss him and would like to be together also but is't painful to be left out in limbo. Keep it upbeat and avoid cold drafts...

I'm likely to be off line for some time. Weatther is moving in and I'll be busy with the Holidays.

All the best to you and yours!
Praying for you both,
SB

I am trying to keep it together I do get a little frustrated. H kinda picked up on that last night when we went shopping together but I was able to pull myself together and get it a grip and the night ended on a positive note.

When I am detaching I do still let him know I still love him (not by telling him though). I usually find things to do when he is here and if he tries to conversate I will talk....I just don't sit down and stop what I am doing...I will stand there and talk and then go back to what I was doing.

He would prefer I stop altogether and give him all the attention but if I do that then what is the point in the detaching? I am always nice and postitive...just not so available anymore.

Just have to get through the holidays

Hope you have a great one and thanks so much for hanging in there with me.

Great approach. As far as what SB said about letting him know you miss him. Right now I think that would defeat the purpose. You want him to know you CAN get by without him there. Telling him you miss him and want him home just feeds the ego.

Do keep it upbeat though. Dont let him see you in a depressed state. Be friendly.

Thanks John for posting in my thread I agree with you that telling him I miss him is feeding his ego. I don't ever TELL him that...I just let him feel it when he is around by being upbeat and positive.

The one thing I can't figure out is this...ok, when he is here I am detaching as much as I can. How do I still remain talkative and such when I am busy doing other things. In other words, how do I show him I don't NEED him but at the same time still show I love him and am not ignoring him when he is here?

I don't want to come across to him that I am ignoring him and end up upsetting him to the point that he stops hanging around to see me.

Hope that makes sense. Maybe I should come through the room he is sitting every now and then and talk a few minutes? Not sure how to handle that one.

Last night was kinda quiet as he was a little bummed about the truck he is trying to get. THe payments were too high and so he is going to have to get something else. He wanted that one pretty bad.

I just listened to him and offered ideas about maybe a different truck that he is interested in. He did not say WE couldn't afford it..He said HE couln't afford it. I tried not to let that get to me. After all, if he had said WE then he would be giving away hints that he is coming back and I know he is not ready for that right now.

I am trying not to let him see me depressed. It is VERY hard sometimes. Especially now. 2 days til Christmas and I still don't exactly know what all is going to go on.

I just keep praying that this will all get better soon and the nightmare will end.

" The one thing I can't figure out is this...ok, when he is here I am detaching as much as I can. How do I still remain talkative and such when I am busy doing other things. In other words, how do I show him I don't NEED him but at the same time still show I love him and am not ignoring him when he is here? "

Well, my wife goes with the- " Im busy right now, if you want to talk come give me a hand with this and we can talk AND get this done faster so I can pay more attention to you."

Good idea The only time that probably won't work is when D has him coloring with her or something like that. Then I guess I could just walk through every now and then and talk to him.

It is funny how they want to be out of the house and yet when they are here they want you right up under them.

That kills me. Every time I go out of the room I will hear him ask D "what is mommy doing"? I just laugh to myself when it happens.

We will go night after night with H being loving..close..etc and then all of a sudden he will withdraw again for a night or 2. I usually leave him be when that happens. I don't try to initiate being close. I let him do that.

We will be S 5 months in 5 days and this is NOT getting any easier.

lil,

I think there are some positive ways to be honest and express your frustration so that the "resentment monster" doesn't rear it's ugly head one day and let loose! I like the way you are using loving detachment....but it IS okay to express negative feelings as long as you make them about you. "H, I am feeling really frustrated and discouraged at times, because I feel like your wife one minute, and not the next." Then you stop. You don't go into a big R talk. You just let him visit with that comment for a while. Give him the space to digest it and respond when he's comfortable. But don't let that resentment simmer for too long....or it's gonna COOK!!

Happy Holiday LIL!!! hugs!

Thanks Star I like the way you put that. I will use it and see how it goes.

I do have a problem wording things right every now and then. I know WHAT I want to say at times but just not sure how to get the words right.

I am better with words in writing letters but I have stopped doing that. Didn't want to be over bearing or pushy.

H is still down about not getting the truck he wanted so last night I picked him up from work and took him straight home. Not much conversation but I stayed upbeat with him. He gave me a kiss when I dropped him at home and I left.

I do have a question that bothers me a little. When he gave me a kiss he looked up at the house to see if anyone saw it (his mom or brother). Why would he do that? He didn't look until after the kiss.

I said nothing about it to him. Just smiled and went home. Makes me wonder what he would have done or thought had they seen it.

lil,

Well, I'd probably interpret it the same way you did....that perhaps he doesn't want them to know. And who knows why? Chances are....he's made some big announcement that "IT'S OVER"...HA! that's what I say. Marriage is NEVER over....your lives become so entwined and the bonds change you forever. Please don't worry about this chere....he may not be ready for others to know what you already do (that he isn't as sure as he pretends to be) but at some point....it'll all come out. Family criticism can be harsh....more so than with others. Can we say "conflict avoider" LOL!

Very true. I know he has probably said some things he wishes he hadn't to his mom and friends and visa versa.

I asked him once how would he handle the criticism if he were to decide to come home and had to tell all these people that he was coming back home. He told me that he would just open his mouth and tell them. He said that things people say didn't bother him before so why would he let it bother him now.

It is a good answer as long as he is sure that he would be able to take the heat. One thing I do stay positive about is the fact that his dad does not know.

His dad lives in W Virginia and had a stroke many years back so he has lost his short term memory and has to write everything down. But he does function well just as everyone else. His dad loves me to death and our D. Me and H have the only grandchild in the family.

If H had told his dad then I would know it is truly over. I did ask him about it shortly after S and he told me that IF and when we got D he would tell his dad.

I try not to worry too much about what his mom says. After all, if he truly loves me and wants to work things out, what she says will not matter.

I agree lil....if he's ready to come back...what his mother says will not stop him. What kind of relationship did you have with her when the two of you were married? Does she still see the children?