I've never said this in 17 years...but after talking to a counselor several times....I really wonder if my spouse has some kind of mental block or issue. The reactions I get just aren't normal. How do you know? What the heck do you do about it?

First, you get focused and grounded. You really work at soothing and comforting yourself in ways that are healthy. You get grounded. And then you face exactly the dilemma you're talking about, but in slightly different words. It's hard to say whether your wife can grow or not. Lots of people grow. Lots of people choose not to grow until they're put into a situation so painful to them that they are nearly forced to grow.

What do you do about it? Focus on your own stuff. Shifts happen in amazing ways. If you can get clear and thoughtful, well, then, you will start to be able to see.

(Oh, and drinking and other ways of altering your perceptions, intellect, and emotion make this process almost impossible.)