We have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids, but our marriage has slowly declined to the point where I am almost certain I don't love her anymore. Can't remember the last time I told her I did, or she told me she did. She says it to the dog at least 5-10 times daily. Decline a result of her with a short butchy looking haircut where I prefer and think shoulder length looks much more attractive, her lack of interest in staying in shape, lack of sex drive, frustration with each other,and inability to discuss issues without her getting angry. Sex is occasional (2-3x/mo), but usually her touching me and asking if I want to do (so much for foreplay). I would think Valentine's Day (I surprised her with something she really wanted and she bought me some last minute/nick nack), New Year's Eve, or other days would be important, but apparently not. About 10 years ago she said she wasn't very interested in sex and it shows. I get the most frustrated after working 12 hours/day and coming home to a messy house, stuff lying around, maybe dinner is ready, and more often than not her being grumpy. She is on Zoloft, but hasn't been seen other than by a primary care doc in a couple years. I mentioned a couple years ago asking her doc to switch to a different anti-depressant that didn't affect her libido as much, but she never did. She has no apparent long term goals. We argue frequently about food choices which she refuses to discuss. I want to minimize processed foods and candy in our house because it is unhealthy and the kids get enough at various parties and around holidays. She thinks they will binge later when they can make their own choices. There is frequently laundry being done and all over our bed because she can't get organized and stay on top of it. I help out a ton with laundry, vacuuming, straightening up, but a constant battle and not much appreciation. She volunteers some and taxi's the kids around, but has plenty of time for web surfing, cross word puzzles, and other non household benefiting actions. I bust my *** at work, stay in excellent shape, and help out when I can. There are no infidelity, alcohol or abuse issues. If we didn't have kids we would have separated years ago. Sorry for the rambling, but have about had it.

Jake.. Welcome to SYMC!

Before we talk about the particular issues you've mentioned, would it be possible to get a little more info from you as to be able to get a fuller picture of your situation?

How long are you married? Is this a first or second for either of you? How old are the kids? Have you ever been in marriage counseling or individual? Are there any medical conditions or issues involved as well?

Just off the cuff I will say that the situation you are describing seems to be things that are common in marriages where communication and emotional support isn't being handled well or compassionately for that matter. I know we all tend to get into this 'box' or stuck-ness about issues and then it gets exacerbated with time.

Since there is no infidelity or other issues and you do want to stay together (though I would be willing to guess there are more reasons than the kids...they just tend to get buried under anger and frustration)... you have a good base in which to work.

So, how would you like to see your marriage look like? What would make it one in which you'd be happy in?

Loui

Thanks for your response. We have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids (14,12, 8). No marriage counseling and only one 30 minute discussion I had with a counselor 3 months ago. I gave her the counselor's card, but she didn't go and I didn't ask again.
Kids are a huge reason, financial is another, I don't like admitting something failed, and it is a support structure.
Would like it to be happier with more appreciation with what I do and my opinions?
Have listedned to Chapman's 5 Love Languages and might work to go through some of the worksheets in there.
How do I say I would like you a lot more if your hair was more attractive, you maintained a healthier lifestyle, and you set and pursued goals?
Should she be on Zoloft for so long without Psyc therapy? Would Wellbutrin help with libido and depression?

quote:

Would Wellbutrin help with libido and depression?

I've been told Wellbutrin has no sexual side effects but works for deperession with a fairly low percentage of people (under 50%). It doesn't sound like her zoloft is working either though.

Can you get creative about getting her to pysc therapy to see about making a change in meds? Sometimes all it takes is her to call/email her doc.

Hi Jake!

Welcome to SYMC. I'm glad you're looking for help.

Your post was a lot about your wife and what you're frustrated with. Can you give us a synopsis of what you're like, what she might say about you (good and bad points, please), where you think you need to grow and change, what you want to do to address those things, etc.? Thanks so much!

I am fairly low key, part perfectionist (she might say anal), with a lot of energy, and always looking for ways to improve. Challenge is our inability to actually communicate each others likes and dislikes.
Jake

You know Jake, something I have found in long term marriages that does make a difference is how things are said.. and how they are heard.

My exH was a perfectionist, also with alot of energy. One of the things I found most exasperating was that his expectations could never be met in certain areas. Because he had high expectations that he placed on himself he believed that I also, should meet his expectations. Rather than understanding, that I have my own.. and they were different than his. Higher or lower doesn't matter. Just different.

So whenever he would comment on whatever it was that wasn't up to his level of expectation his voice or his mannerisms exuded disapproval. His words also, rather than being supportive or compassionate were also..dismissing or demeaning.

Now I am not accusing you of such...but if either of you talk to you in this manner could have a long term effect on how willing you each are to comply or even want to do anything for the other.

I think the first thing the both of you might consider is re assessing how you communicate..that means not just what you say, but how you say it.

The love languages book is a fine one to define exactly what your needs are and if you are both willing to try it thats great, but it doesn't address the issue of how to implement it if you are both unable to communicate well.

As for the libido and/or depression.. for me I found Welbuterin much less a problem than zoloft.

By the way.. as for counseling.. sometimes MC starts with just one person. How would you feel about starting without her?

Loui