I have been married to my wife for 25 years and still love her. I started playing in a band a couple of years ago and really enjoyed that. She didn't. It got to the point where I finally quit the band for this reason and some others, but now I want to have a new band and that is not going over well with her. Every time I bring up the subject, I am getting the feeling that I will have to chose between her or music and that really frustrates me. There has to be a way to coordinate both. Any advice from anyone?

From your perspective, what is it about the band and your time there that she dislikes so much? How much time do you devote there, who else is hangin' with you, what's the atmosphere and the hours?

When I was doing the band, we would try to practice 2 to 3 times per month and play once a month at a local bar or wedding reception, etc. for a 4 hr. gig. I would practice about 1 hour per day at home. All of the band members where much like myself with young kids, jobs, etc., kind of a clean cut bunch, but the gigs kind of got to her. I would never stray, but I think the fact that other women were looking at me playing, really made her jealous. And I am not in it for the attention, I just want to be a good musician and provide enjoyable music that people respond to. It is the greatest feeling seeing everyone, guys and girls included, dancing and responding to something you have created as an artist. The bar scene is a big drag on our family as we have a 12 year old son, and he has to go to a babysitter while I am doing the gig. My wife would come along and drink and keep an eye on me. She is not musically inclined so there is no real understanding of the joy I feel when playing or practicing. She thinks it is a waste of time and money. She now has a really good job, I do alright with my work, but music is out of my life and I would like to do find a way to make marriage and music work. Help!

bohrsurv..

Welcome to SYMC!

So.. I have been a musician for many years and gave up my dreams of playing in clubs for marriage many years ago.

So.. after about 3 yrs of marriage I started taking lessons to learn a new instrument, which my exH was all for. After about 12 yrs of marriage I started teaching music, which my exH was all for. When I talked about studio work, or local band work.. he was NOT about that.

I think for spouses there is a general fear about the whole aura of 'the band'. There's usually clubs, opposite sex hangers on, drinking and so on that I believe is a huge scare for them. And I don't blame them for it. I have known musicians that in their 30s & 40s went off the deep end in their personal lives.
I'm not saying you're one of those that could or would, I do know it was a fear for my exH absolutely.

And then there is the argument about peter pan syndrome. The 'you're too old to be doing this' and this is 'irresponsible and/or takes too much time away from family. Which is where GS's questions to you come into play.

And just so you know for me..to keep my hand in it for many years I taught. I was in private schools, but I could have taught privately if I was so inclined. A friend of mine he meets with his buddies and they are creating music for online purposes. Another friend of mine plays small local places once or twice a month and practice sessions are maybe once a week...and his girlfriend attends with them.

Its all about realizing that its not an all or nothing situation and compromising on what your goals with music are so that your wife can become okay with whatever 'level' of performing you decide. And just as an aside.. I remember one day sitting on the floor with my guitar playing for kindergarteners thinking..'this is what its become, eh? so much for madison square garden'.. but after class when all those little ones came and wanted to hug me or strum the guitar..or even decide later on to take up an instrument partially because of my influence...well that has its own rewards that msg could never give.

Loui