quote:

They do it now because his wife (who knows nothing of any of this) goes away with the kids for the week

This gives me yucky feelings...I believe that your wife is most likely going down there with no intentions of breaching your marital boundaries. But I am less inclined to believe that about the man...because he hasn't been honest with his wife about the situation.

That would be a major issue for me and I would encourage your wife and her friend that his wife needs to be aware of the extent of thier situation. Otherwise he is on very shaky, untruthful ground and so is your wife as she is part of the issue.

Were it not for my tripping across her e-mail, I'd guess that I would be in the same boat with his wife...not knowing anything.

Last year, she went down there on the premise of a business trip. I didn't make my discovery until May. It was some time after then that she told me about the true purpose of the trip.

She might have never told me anything, and I'm certain that he plans to never tell his wife.

While I know that this will be a very emotional trip, I do trust that she is strong enough to keep both of them in check, though I don't think he has intentions.

As far as untruthful ground...there has been a lot of that in the past year. I had been getting a bit used to the footing at about the time that that the terra started to get firma (hee, hee).

ho ho

Sorry MCS, that sure does sound like a hard weekend. I've never really known whether your approach to this whole thing is something I would run with, so I don't usually comment. But I just want to say that what amazes me throughout this is your strength through such a drawn out and constantly uncertain constantly not knowing everything experience. It really is amazing and inspiring.

Hope you have fun with your guitar! Any friends you can arrange to catch up with to get out of your head if you spend too much time whirring around in it?

You can believe that I've not been sure I've been doing this right, either. I admit that there are times when I wonder whether I'm setting myself up for a hard fall. These times are very few, and far between, but they do arise. When they do come, or if the worst did occur, I know that I've done everything I could think of to make this work.

I always come back to my love for her, and my willingness to do anything for her. I never knew the extent of either until this past year. It's been (and is still, sometimes) a hard road, but I feel better about who and what I am because of it.

Regarding the other guy's wife...I feel very bad for her. She's a sweetheart. I hope she never has to go through the type of year I just had. To avoid that, she probably needs to never find out. I will never tell her anything about it.

I'd hate to see her and their kids suffer through this. He's a jerk, and he may "accidentally hit his nose on the car door" if I ever see him again, but they don't need this pain.

Please know that, in saying what comes next, I'm really, truly not assuming some kind of wonderful-guy position...I just don't know how many people could handle the past year, and have it work out the way it has so far. I learned of all of this stuff, and we're not just still together...we are stronger than ever. We haven't had a single one of our notorious arguments for almost a year. We talk more. We have stupid conversations...the kind where we are laughing on the phone...the kind I'd hear the guy in the next office having with his wife, and get jealous over.

I never would have thought I would be one to accept the situation, let alone grow through it.

Yeah, times like next week are tougher. Some rides in to work get teary. But, in the end, having her is a lot better than not.

I'm so glad to hear that you two are so much stronger. That's lovely.

Not much stronger, it seems.

She's there now. She left at three this morning for her flight down there. I didn't (couldn't) go to work today. I've been on the couch all day, feeling sorry for myself. I haven't been drinking yet, but that's not far off.

Why do I let this happen? Why do I encourage her? Why do I accept another man in her life?

Today is so much harder than I thought it would be. I think I'm just weak...afraid to make a stand, because I'm afraid of thew answer?

mcs-

How are you doing? Your head any clearer?

It seems like you are stuck in a very familiar place. What's it going to take to get out of that place?

HoFS

Right now, I'm trying scotch.

I have to allow myself to believe what I know...
- that she loves me,
- that he gets her today, and on the phone, but I get to be with her every day,
- that we have children together,
- that we have a life together,
- that I make love with her,
- that she is the one who makes me a better man,
- that I make her a better woman,
- that we are a family.

It's just hard, especially on days like today.

After reading this, my first statement has to be:

EGADS WHAT A MESS!

Now take it from someone who has not only gone through the surviving childhood sexual abuse, but also an abortion and the aftermath: what you describe is not only unorthodox, but frankly bizarre.

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Details of her therapy are unknown to me. She has some therapist with whom she's working through this.

Bizarre.

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What kind of therapist? I don't know.

Bizarre.

quote:

What type of therapy? I don't know.

Bizarre. What you are describing doesn't conform to either cognitive behavioral or psychoanalytic therapy - not at all.

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How often does she see him/her? I don't know.

Bizarre.

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Where are they in the process? I don't know.

Not quite so bizarre. This is the one understandable part of it, if still not especially healthy.

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What role does her ab dad play in her therapy? Some, but I don't really know.

Bizarre, including his involvement. I never once had any single counselor tell me that involving the man who impregnated me was necessary, or healthy, to my own healing. In fact, healing personally and independently on my own was something they wouldn't compromise. A bizarre emotional dependency on a past involvement doesn't sound like anything a professional psychologist of any type would recommend...and I've been to many.

quote:

She is healing from childhood sexual abuse.

Are you seeing any improvement at all? Any indication of actual healing?

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I've seen things of hers that say it was her father. A fact that she denied (to me) vehemently for quite some time. Lately, she' become (seemingly) more willing to admit that it was him, but she hasn't come out and said it, yet.

Well, that's understandable. It is very difficult to admit to people, particularly someone with whom you have a significant sexual relationship, that your father had sex (of any sort) with you. I faced the same issue with my uncle.

quote:

More details are on the BSA board here, if you're inclined to look. Otherwise, I don't know how far to go in this thread.

Have you picked up the book "Allies in Healing"?

Gee. When you break it down like that, it makes me feel so much better about the situation.

Work calls...will come back later. And yes, I have Allies in Healing

Interesting. Can you tell me why you'd feel good about this situation?

It's hard to make sarcasm show in a post.

mcs, I detected the sarcasm. It is hard to miss. That's why I asked what I did.

What I find the most baffling about all of this is why you are so determined to feel good about such a bizarre situation. Frankly, right now I'm not questioning what it says about your relationship with your wife so much as I'm questioning what it says about your relationship with yourself.

I have days when I'm not really sure about many things. One thing I am CERTAIN of though, is that, absolutely guaranteed of my own demise, I would run into a burning building to protect my wife and kids. Willing to sacrifice my life for any of them, why would I be unwilling to accept a situation that is merely uncomfortable, and can, some day, be fixed? (I know I minimize too much here.)

My relationship with myself is no less complex than any on this planet. As should be plainly evident from my previous posts, I have ups and downs...times when I'm OK with what's going on, and times when I wonder why I put up with any of it...to include my own part in all of it.

Anyone who tells me they are always confident in their position or their self is either lying or delusional.

As a matter of fact, I often feel better about myself for being what I'll call "understanding" through all of this. I'll put with some hurt while allowing my wife to heal some of her past wounds. I'll hide some of my hurt to avoid hurting her. I'll come here and **** & moan. I'll hope for some support and even some harsh guidance.

Through it all, though, I'll be a man. Strong when I need to be, and needy when I have to be. I'm pretty OK with who I am.

I was thinking the other night...I didn't care what path brought me to rubbing her bare shoulder, I was just thrilled that I could. It may have been one of the "good" days, but I wouldn't have traded that moment for anything.