A year ago my wife told me that a co-worker wanted an affair. She declined.. I was very very impressed with her candor and honesty with me.

She is no longer working for that company and the co-worker has since separated from his wife.

Today I opened her email on our computer (not to snoop) I needed email addresses for a suprise 50th BD party I'm throwing her and found an email dated today from the ex-coworker responding to her request to meet THIS MORNING near his work (she had an appt today near there) I panicked and looked through emails and found just a few (nothing incriminating) cell phone logs show just a few calls. But I am literally freaking out internally right now.

We've been married 15 years and really the last few have been the best yet... I'm literally scared. I'm not sure if I should tell her what I know, is she really having an affair? If she denies it how do I know? How can I trust her? All of a sudden everything I have thought, felt has been turned upside down. I've though about talking to her best friend but not sure either. I feel like a deer in the headlights and can't move.

Hi Traz. I'll dispense with the formalities and stuff; I think you need some items for the next five minutes and then the next hour.

Next five minutes:

BREATHE.
Really. Take a big deep breath. Slowly. Now release it, also slowly.
Do it again. Deep slow breath in. Deep slow breath out.
One more. Deep slow breath in. Deep slow breath out.

Now. I know how much your reality has just been jolted. That creates a huge adrenaline rush. Be aware that your conscious mind cannot currently keep up with the lightning-fast responses the rest of you is shooting through you.

The thing you control is not your mental reactions, but your physical responses to those mental reactions. What's that mean?
- Count to ten before you do ANYTHING. That's the rule for the rest of the next week. Count to ten before you speak, before you move, before you interact.

- Walk yourself through this process:
-- What things in nature have struck you as beautiful?
-- What things made by people have struck you as beautiful?
-- Who do you love?
-- Who are your communities?
-- What are three compassionate things you've done?

Now, do the breathing again. Three long, slow, deep breaths in and out.

I'll post in a minute about what the next hour should look like.

Despite my own inability to follow good advice, I will offer what I think...

Try to stop her from making this mistake.

It seems to me that working out the issues of her intent (and your percieved snooping) would be much easier than working it out after something physical happens.

Others here know much more than I, but I can see that this is urgent to you.

Okay. So you found an e-mail asking for a meeting. You've reviewed other e-mails and cell phone records. That's an excellent start.

Next, print them out. Yes, I'm serious. Sit down and start printing. Put a binder clip on them.

Set them aside.

Now the hard part. You need to hold onto your Self. What's that mean?

- Maintain a clear sense of who you are. The 5 minute exercise I gave you is designed to help remind you of that.

Here's another reminder. Think of:

- your experiences of beauty,
- your compassionate acts,
- who you love
- your communities
- what you experience of God or the Universe
- the most important things about you

Think about what you would do if you were lost in the desert, 5 days from help, and you came across a child dying of thirst. Think about what you would do if you only had 3 days of water. Think about how you would stare at that child, and what you would decide to do. And then feel what happens when you comfort that lost, terrified child.

Those things help you remember who you are. Hold tight to those things in the next few days. Much else will be crazy-making upside-down not-sure-what reality is stuff. But this, you hold onto. This is close to the core of who you are.

So. HOLD ONTO YOUR SELF. Make sure you have a clear sense of who you are. And recognize that when reality shifts as profoundly as it just did, your sense of self is suddenly questioned. It's entirely normal to find that some parts of your sense of self, your sense of your world, weren't actually accurate.

We just don't know which pieces are inaccurate right now, and that's what you need to do over the next few days.

So back to this hour. You printed out some pieces of paper. Sit with them.

Think through your anxieties and fears. What are you terrified of? What might be true? Where are you unsure? Where are you limited in what you see, what you know, and how well you understand what's going on?

Next.

This part is hard.

Become willing to confront yourself anywhere that YOU need to grow in order to deal with this crisis. Because you weren't prepared for it (and no one ever is), there are obviously places where you need to grow to deal with it. Accept that, be willing to face that, even if you don't yet know where you need to grow.


And be ready. This is hard. You're confronting something terrifying. Mobilize yourself to be able to tolerate the pain of growing. That means a lot of things, but the main thing to know is that you will need to soothe your own hurts, because your wife is about to be thrown completely as well -- EVEN IF there is no affair. This is hard stuff. Support yourself, because your wife is going to need to work on supporting herself, not you.


So. Remember those pieces of paper? With all this in mind, and particularly being aware of the things you DON'T know, go through them again. What are you sure of, based on what you read there?

Make a timeline of the things you're SURE of.
Things the e-mails and phone calls actually confirm. What are those things? Dates and times of contact. Things the e-mails themselves document, both in terms of communications and activities.

Got it? Timeline. Items that happened, that you KNOW happened.

Now. Sit back and calm yourself down again.

And then think of the questions you have about the timeline. Where are there gaps and holes? Where do things not make sense or not add up? Where do you need more information?

When your wife gets home, go through the timeline with her.

Ask your questions.

And hold onto your Self. You may not be able to comfort her -- she may be furious or afraid or extremely upset or all three. Hang onto your Self with all you've got. Comfort and soothe yourself.

BREATHE.

OK, deep breathing helped... :-) For a bit I thought I forgot how to breath. I'm so unsure about showing her the emails when she gets home... I'm always a glass have empty person and so many things are running through my head (none good) I'll let you know what happens.

Totally understandable. And now you know some things you may need to confront in order to grow to meet this challenge: Uncertainty, pessimism, and worried what-if scenario stuff driving you crazy.

Hold onto your self. Recognize those as things that do not help you soothe yourself and get yourself calm and grounded. You won't solve them today, but keep them in the back of your mind.

And that's exactly why it's important to show her the e-mails. And ask the questions you need to ask.

And yes, BREATHE. It's really, really important!

Don't you think he should start first by asking her..
1. Hey were is that guy working that was trying to get into your pants? (Making a reality truth dart about it!!)

2. Have you heard from this guy or his wife??

Basically trying to see if she would lie abou the contact. If she does then you have a bigger problem in that it may be a on-going affair. Or she may just tell the truth.

Otherwise he is just telling her all he knows and then she can (If having an affair) just dance around it.

Just a thought....

I have found that it's easier for everyone if you lay out, very clearly and with evidence, a timeline of what you know. And then you can start to ask about the details of those things, and compare it against what you actually know. Then where there's a conflict, you can ask for clarification, using something along the lines of, "Can I ask you to clarify that point? You say you were at work until 6pm. But I have indications that you were actually at the bar from 4pm until 7:30pm."

A few of those and most people will give up hanging onto the hope that they can hide anything, and will come clean.

Some people will swear until their dying day that they weren't at the bar, even when you show them the pictures of them dancing on the bar with a lampshade on their heads. Both outcomes will tell you something about the person across the couch from you.

Well I showed her what I found and what I thought was going on. She immediately came over hugged and held me and told me nothing was going on, that they never met and her original purpose was just to catch up and see how he was doing... She agreed it looked terrible and says she feels badly for how it looked. She has said that if I feel strongly about it then she will not contact him anymore. Things were good over the weekend between us, but I still get panic feelings in my stomach as I can't get my hands completely around this.

Hi Traz,

My advice would be to be wary with your wife's explanation. Its ok to trust if you feel that you can, but VERIFY also. How do you know they never met, that nothing happened?

Did you communicate to her that you DO feel strongly about this? You clearly did feel strongly - you sought out this site and took the time to register and post. If you tell her how it made you feel, then she should also feel strongly about it.

Notwithstanding your wife's 'original purpose', the fact is that she hid her continued contact with this man from you, and tried to (and succeeded?) in setting up a secret meeting. To me, that's unacceptable in a marriage and you need to communicate that to your wife.

Insist upon no contact and complete transparency - this means sharing email and phone passwords, swapping phones if you want to, and letting you know where she is at all times. If your wife is genuine, it should be a no-brainer for her to never communicate with this other man (OM) again.

I also think your wife needs to figure out why she has kept in contact with OM. He approached her to have an affair! What good could possibly come of her continuing contact with him? I think she'll find that a part of her was flattered by the attention and she continued contact in order to maintain that 'good' feeling - this is referred to as the fog on this site. She needs to get to the bottom of this so that she can understand what happened, and protect herself from making the same mistakes in the future.

Finally, its normal to have those panicy feelings - they may persist for several days, weeks or even months. But they will diminish when your wife establishes and maintains no contact, is is open and honest with you over an extended period of time. I was an absolute mess for several weeks when my wife was out of sight, but I'm now five months post d-day (discovery day) and those feelings have greatly diminished.

Keep posting here. There's caring and insightful people who'll help you. All of us have been through what you are currently going through in one way or another.

All the best,

Not proud of myself but I'm monitoring her emails, he is emailing her and I think they met...(Prior to our first talk) She delivered a desert to her old work (we have lots of friends there) last week. His email is a bit strange but they do monitor computer activity there. He thanks her for the coffee cake then emails a second time asking for more coffee cake that he forgot what it tastes like and ends with "wink" wink" I think I can read between the lines, but again I am always thinking the worst.

She told me he emailed but I know she deleted that particular one. Her reply was only "Thanks, take care". Which she deleted as well. I'm torn between just showing this to her and doing the full confrontation but its not much and then we'll get into the whole trust monitoring thing and as it is I won't be surprised if after our discussion last night that the emails stop. But what if it just pushes things underground?

We had a long discussion last night where she said all the right things, comforted me, said said again how she understood how bad the first email looked and loves me and has no intention of having an affair.

I don't have much, just a couple of emails and a bad bad feeling, I love my wife and don't want to lose her. I hate this snooping stuff but also hate not knowing. Do I tell her what I've done?

I'll let somebody else advise what to do because I don't know. But that coffee cake thing doesn't sound good. At best he's still flirting with her, and she's not flirting back, but is still hiding his behaviour from you. At worst...well...
Do you have access to her cellphone bill?

Trust your bad bad feeling. It's probably right.

Yes, tell her what you saw. Tell her what you know. And tell her you're going to keep looking because you don't believe what she's saying so far -- because she's not telling you everything and you know it.

And yes, you're right to consider how bad the snooping feels to you. If it is messing with your integrity to do it, then stop. However, you can still find out information without snooping. You can, for example, sit down with your wife and review her e-mails together. And yours, for that matter. There are probably other options as well.

Tough stuff you're facing. Spend lots of time thinking about what's really important to you in terms of values. And then how action matches those values. It's much harder than it looks. (I suppose life is always like that, eh?)

The mistake most of us made here, was talking ourselves out of those feelings of suspicion. It's so easy to do, especially when our spouses are so convincing with "the explanation."

Trust your gut that something is wrong. You don't know all the specifics yet, but you will....over time...if you listen and watch....and keep asking questions logically.

Oh, and watch for the telltale signs in your wife....a sudden need for privacy, unaccounted for time, loss of weight, bursts of anger over stupid stuff, high cell phone/text usage, high alcohol use...just change habits in general.

I hope it's innocent but try not to avoid conflict on this. Open honesty is the key.
GS

Hey Traz,

Just to add a thought to the above posts - I'd be wary about revealing your source of information at this stage. Once she knows how you're getting your information its easy for her to use other means to contact OM.

I fully support the confrontation route suggested by Just J, but I'd be inclined to be vague with what you know. Just tell her that you KNOW - not think, but KNOW - she's not telling you the whole truth, and you are giving her a chance to come 100% clean.

This has two advantages - firstly, you protect your source. Secondly, she may reveal even more than what you know, as she doesn't know how much you know.

DO NOT feel bad about snooping. It is necessary for you in order to rebuild your trust in your wife. Without snooping, you will never again know if and when your wife is telling you the truth. If you snoop and find nothing, then over time you will rebuild the trust, and slowly you'll feel the need to snoop less and less.

Good luck!

Personally, I think you should install a keystroke monitor on that computer and find out - for sure - whether or not anything is still going on.

I agree that the coffee cake reference is very bad. However, it is possible that it could be innocuous (but don't bet on it).

I'm far more concerned about her secrecy and need to delete her emails now that she knows you've read her account than I am about the content of any particular email.

quote:

But what if it just pushes things underground?

Well, that's why I suggested the key stroke monitor (will record all of her key strokes). In the end, though, whether or not it goes underground is not significant. She's shattered some trust here, and the onus is on her now to convincingly demonstrate not only that nothing is continuing, but that she is trustworthy.