Hi

This is the first time here or on any chat/blog thing ever, but I am at a loss of what to do.

My H left last year after 18 months of appalling behavior (his words) he was constantly going out every weekend and not coming home all weekend or just pop in to see our kids. We have been married 10 years and have 3 daughters 10/7/4. My instinct told me there was OW but he denied this saying he hadn't loved me for the last 5 years and was sick of being treated like a child and I shouldn't wait up for him at night to come home when he would be called his phone would be switched off and he always got angry at being checked up on. I had found photos of him on the internet with various other girls and they were always young trashy types from clubs. The morning he left it was because I discovered condoms in his brief case and found he had cleared out when I got home from work.

My H remained estranged for 6 months during this time had various casual flings but they were always finished by OW. At the beginning of the year my H had a major car accident and said it caused him to see his life flash before his eyes and that he had done the wrong thing and wanted to come home. Let me say his 6 months away were extremely traumatic with verbal abuse and twice there was physical abuse when he felt trapped which was completely out of character for him he also turned away from his 3 daughters too. He said he always wanted to come back but was too ashamed and didn't know how to deal with his guilt to do so.

H has been back 8 months now but OW won't leave us be, it has turned out that she works next door to him (was his barber) and has befriended my H sister to keep herself involved in our lives. However I suspect my H to have moments of weakness and to be in contact with her and at home I wonder if this is worth it as he hardly speaks to me and sleeps on the lounge every night. I am also considering the fact it is possible he suffers from bipolar as he has most of the symptoms, but this is something he will never admit as he is too busy blaming me for his life.

Both H and I are 34 years and are fighting to save our marriage but am I the only one doing any work?

Hi rach and welcome to symc

Some questions -
What sorts of things did you both agree to when he came home? I assume you agreed the affairs were over - did you get any confirmation? What about how time and money are spent and accounted for?

Are you -- or have you -- done things as a couple and a family to move forward and out of the past?

What's up that he's sleeping on the lounge? Have you talked about it? Is he willing to talk?

I'm curious about his car accident and subsequent moment of awakening. Certainly these things can cause huge shifts - and those shifts can trigger all kinds of guilt and shame.

Are you, either of you, working with someone professionally?

Have either of you considered the possibility of addiction? He may certainly be bi-polar - and addicition has many of the same presentations. I'd tend to look at that first - or at least at the same time as the bi-polar issue.

How are your daughters handling his coming home?

And how about you .... eating and sleeping ok?

Glad to have you here

P

Hi

Thank you Penny for your response. WHen my H came home he had decided to get his act together and the affairs were suppose to be over. I have my doubts or should I say sespicions as OW works next door to him and doesn't seem to want to let go. He also stated that he wasn't going to go out anymore but he has occasionally. The OW also cuts a lot of the childrens hair from my daughters school and has started a lot of damaging rumors about my husband and I and looks for any opportunity to approach H. She contacted my father-in-law to complain I ring her and threaten her, which I have never had any contact with her and don't intend to play her childish games. H also tries to avoid her too and walks the long way to his office.

When H left I did believe it was a problem of substance abuse but at the time I started to suffer depression due to being emotionally exhausted from his moods and behaviour.

I took my daughters to family counselling after he left and my D7 was also diagnosed with depression. I also did counselling for myself and my mother sent me to a health retreat for a week which seemed to reboost me and give me the strength to carry on. Now I find my mind is exremely clear and rational but I fear it has just made me suspicious and untrusting as I am very aware of everything happening around me.

H asked to go to marriage counselling upon his return and I agreed as this is something he wouldn't usually do (he is of Lebanese decent with our marriage being mixed). We are seeing a phycologist and the first session he was gushing all over me making sure I was ok but the next session he was a different person and became very defensive when subjects were brought up. Each session our counsellor has a hard time getting him to talk and he becomes very irritated.

As for the money I am really unsure how he is spending his wages as he is very secretive but hands money over to me when I need it. He tends to be making future plans and has his boos deducting money from his wages to pay for family holiday at the end of the year for 2 weeks.

I believed it was addiction before and I have looked up both bipolar and addiction and realise they often blur together but looking long term at his behaviour he only binges it was weekly now every 2 weeks and at current we have just entered the fourth week with nothing for the first time. He is very quiet and withdrawn and tends to use the girls as his security blanket by spoiling them. It is like he is so depressed and he can't take it anymore and just needs a break so he takes drugs or alcohol and then lets himself just come back down for as long as he can, (maybe self medicating).

He use to make excuses for sleeping on the lounge saying his medical reasons as he is up all night (he doesn't have a bowel so goes to the toilet a lot) and he doesn't want to wake me, but now he just ignores any comment even when I state to him it's a lounge room not a bedroom. He just avoids talking about anything he doesn't want to hear.

His car accident was a work one at the beginning of the year when he wrote off the company vehicle and called me for assistance. I was a t the point of NC with him but after 16 phonecalls he sent a text message saying he had a car accident and could I call him, I gave in.
After a week he had me go to his boss for him and speak to him to keep his job.

I try to organise things for the two of us to do and he does it half heartedly and only wants to do things with the kids.

H tends to think if you forget about things they will go away a bit like an ostrich, he doesn't want to deal with anything and thinks we can just pick up where he left off.

The girls are wrapped at having dad home D4 is very clingy to him, but the other 2 are a bit more distant because they think he will leave again. D7 is currently being looked at for Bipolar too as she shows early signs and had them before this all happened as well and I believe she was misdiagnosed last year. D10 believes if you ignore it, it doesn't exist.

As for me I actually suprisingly am eating and sleeping fine and I have no idea where this strenght has come from. (God more than likely with all the praying I did)

He is in denial that anything is wrong and wants everyone to believe we are a happy family, so I don't know how to get through to him as I think if we continue this way we will end up back at square one. I have asked him if I am wasting my time and he refuses to answer and will change the subject usually with something that involves long term plans.

quote:

OW works next door to him and doesn't seem to want to let go.

You could (or, more accurately, he could) get a restraining order. Of course that would me he could not initiate contact with her without violating it as well.

quote:

I fear it has just made me suspicious and untrusting as I am very aware of everything happening around me.

Mmm-k. What's happened that suggests you should be trusting? Has he earned it? Is he open, transparent, proactive in sharing? If not .... I'm wondering why you think you should be trusting.

quote:

I believed it was addiction before and I have looked up both bipolar and addiction and realise they often blur together but looking long term at his behaviour he only binges it was weekly now every 2 weeks and at current we have just entered the fourth week with nothing for the first time.

Addiction is *not* about the acting out (using) behavior - that's the symptom. Addiction is about the persistent distorted toxic belief system that skews the perception of reality. And, actually, I was suggesting a love/sex/romance addiction - not necessarily drugs or alcohol although they often go together.

quote:

He is in denial that anything is wrong and wants everyone to believe we are a happy family, so I don't know how to get through to him as I think if we continue this way we will end up back at square one. I have asked him if I am wasting my time and he refuses to answer and will change the subject usually with something that involves long term plans.

Soooo ... you've said that you are not willing to simply sweep it under the rug and pretend to go back to the way things were. And - the only person whose behavior or attitudes you can control or yours. Then the question becomes are you willing to change the patterns - to do your own work - and to see where that takes you?

P