Hi Everyone


Thank you Hypatia and GS for the advice you gave me I have done next to nothing else but consider all options now that my straight thinking head is finally returning to me. I have decided to be open to all questions my children ask and not to volunteer any other information for the time being, both children are at different stages with all of it so I think I just have to deal with whatever comes up and whenever and treat it accordingly with the most sensitivity that I can muster. So thank you I have taken on board all you have said also I would like to apologize for taking so long to respond.

When I last posted H had said he would call me to do something over the W/E. Sunday 3rd after church service I still hadn't heard from him so I called him. I asked him if he'd changed his mind he says he was going to call but blah blah blah......I asked him where are you now he says he is at home I say will I come round he says yes. So we talked and laughed for a couple of hours just about everyday things. Then he said he was hungry we went out for some food brought it back to his place he said he was sick of take away food and was in need of a good home cooked meal I said I would think about having him round for dinner and talk to DD about it. Then about 30mins before I left I told him I forgave him for what he'd done but I made it clear that I didn't condone it. He said he hasn't forgiven himself and we talked a little more when I was leaving he reached out and pulled me over to him, he held me so tight for such a long time until I said I had to go I asked him if he wanted to do something during the week he said yes he would call me Wednesday or Thursday depending on work.

On Monday 4th at breakfast DD asked me what's happening with H and me I told her we are just talking at the moment and that I didn't know what or if anything would come of it. I told her that dad was fishing for a dinner invitation and asked her how she would feel about him coming round, she said she would be ok with it. She asked when I was seeing him again I told her Wednesday or Thursday.

By 10.30pm Thursday no call I called him he said he was just finished work we chatted for about 30mins I told him about DD's question he asked me what I told her I said that we're talking I told him that I mentioned him coming round for dinner and that she was ok with it so he asked if he could come round so I said maybe. He asked if I would have our grandson on Saturday I said yes so he said he would come round so I said ok see you Saturday.

Late Saturday afternoon DD wanted to take grandson out. I said no, because her dad was coming round. Guess what? (No show). At 9pm Saturday night I was driving home after being to see my sister I saw H just about to get into his car so I pulled over and he came over and got into my car so I said what happened to you today he said he got held up at work (he was still in his work clothes) I said couldn't you call to say you weren't coming I told him that DD wanted to take grandson out and that I didn't let her b/c he was coming round he said sorry. He said I'll come round tomorrow after work. Guess what? (No show).

I called him last night and asked what happened he just made excuses we spoke for about an hour, it was actually a good conversation, although, I had been speaking about our grandson's antics on Saturday and how funny he was and he asked me not to talk about him I thought this was very strange he said he just misses him. He said he'd call me tomorrow, and asked again about coming round for diner I told him I'll speak to him later about it

So far tonight he hasn't called and DD has just come home and said she saw H going towards OW's house so I won't be getting any call tonight either. So I guess I'm back to my original question is it time to give up?

I'm feeling very let down by him just now all the mixed signals he is giving me it hurts so much and when talking to him it seems like he is considering our M but then I get no effort from him at all.

Why dose he say he'll call or come round and then doesn't?

So why is it you're in contact with him? He's not sending a mixed message at all. The message is loud and clear: I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want you to be there for me, when it's convenient for me, to laugh and talk and make me feel like part of the family - but I'm not willing to give up OW and come home to be there for YOU.

You, otoh, are sending mixed messages. How can you say your values and boundaries exclude a third party in your marriage and at the same time let him come home to play?

Get into n/c and stay there. All you're doing right now is enabling.

P

I believe Mash became back in contact at Star's advice:

quote:

Here's something else to consider. Before this is over....you may need to go to protection phase/no contact....especially if he becomes abusive. However, I'd like to see you resume contact and first lay the foundation for your husband to see the marriage as an attractive alternative to the ugly life he is leading now. Talk to your children and before you end contact again....show him for a short time....what it might be like to be a family once again. Ask him to go to counseling with you. Tell him that you're not ready to divorce. If he rejects these overatures and is abusive, you can always go back to no contact....but this time....with purpose and without anger so that the time you spend apart also has purpose.

Mash, I agree with Penny. You got your answer and now you need to go into Protection with grace and with love.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Big hugs,
GS

Hi Everyone

I'm struggling to go back into N/C. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

Since I was last here things between H and I seemed to pick up. He moved out of OW house and back to his own place he told me he had nothing with her lead me to believe we were going to work it out let me tell our kids that things where getting better and now I find out it was all lies.... AGAIN.

I feel like I have been thrown right back to square 1.

His state of mind is frightening but I don't know if it is an act. I'm confused and scared I don't know what to do about him. please advise.

Mash

Hey Mash..

I think its probably best if you go back into Protection Phase. Especially if you have proof that he is back in contact w/OW.

There is nothing wrong with you. You had your hopes put up and then they've been dashed.

How long were you in NC? and was it a good strong one the first time? Or were there times of contact?

Loui

Hi Loui

Thanks for responding.


The 1st N/C was strong on my part but it wasn't done constructively there was a bit of anger involved it lasted 5 1/2 months until I heard on the grapevine that H was filing so I called him and it turned out to be just gossip we where in cotact for about 6 weeks then and I got anoyed with him again b/c he was still seeing OW so again N/C for almost 3 months until I went to see him at the end of july we have been in contact since then.

He is very depressed and I'm extremely worried about him, he is crying a lot and sitting in the dark most of the time and then I bump into him at my local shops and he seems fine. I don't know if this is normal behaviour it's very confussing to me. I just can't read him at all just now. He says things to me but I don't know if he is playing games with me. I haven't contacted him or answered any of his calls for 3 days now.


Mash

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Hi Mash,
I'm sorry reconcilliation hasn't worked out. It isn't you dear. Sounds like your H is pretty involved with OW and can't/won't break it off.

I hope you can isolate yourself from his...chaos. Take care of yourself. Are you getting enough rest? Eating ok?

Big, big hugs,
GS

Hi GS

And thank you.

I do think you are right dose this mean I have lost him forever.

Mash.

quote:

Originally posted by mash:
does this mean I have lost him forever?

No. I don't think you can make that determination right now.

I think he wants both you and OW. But the romantic pull to OW overshadows his love for you. His love for you is still there I bet...buried deep down in there, in the place that he hides his integrity. Unfortunately, he is putting his integrity aside right now.

So for now, just for now, let him go do what he thinks he wants to do. And let him pay the price for his choices and see what it's like to live in chaos without you making it all better and stabilizing things. The best thing that could happen to him is for him hit rock bottom and live with that awhile.

Send him the PP letter on this site and then hold firm on your NC. I know it hurts, and I'm so sorry. But....you are worth taking care of - and I hope you take that into your heart and believe it. Don't let your H's stupid actions make you feel less than you are. Because it isn't at all about you. It's about him. Totally him.

When you've sent the letter, tell your kids what you need to tell them, and focus on you. It's a wonderful life out there if you stay away from adultery for awhile.

Now tell me - are you sleeping ok? Do you need some help with that? I find I can face many things during the day with just a good night sleep under my belt and a hot breakfast.

GS

Hi GS

Sorry I haven't posted for a few weeks I've been hiding myself away under the covers for a while. I feel so awful.

N/C was started a couple of days after your last post to me I never heard from him for a couple of days then I saw him when I popped out to buy some milk. I had DGS with me I saw him through the shop window and tried to hide but someone told him they saw me go in so in he came. I left as soon as I could without being rude all eyes were on us I felt the presure. BTW there are other shops just as close to where he is living now he dosn't have to shop anywhere near my home.

He turned up at church the following Sunday and sat right beside me, looked at me and gave me the biggest smile.

The next day I had a financial crises H hadn't put any $ into my account and all our repayments where due to come out. I had a call from bank demanding money and I had none. They paid who they could with whatever money I had and I was quite a bit overdrawn. I cried for about 2 hours after speaking with them. I went to see DS to put a proposal to him I didn't want to call H but DS's G/F wasn't pleased with my proposal so when I left DS called H 10 mins later H was round at mine shouting about how I'm making him the look the bad guy. After he calmed down I told him the situation, I told him I hadn't even mentioned him to DS so H wants me to tell him when I need money even although for the past few months I have been telling him the situation needs to change now I realise he must have though I was talking about the situation between him and me.

Because he was angry when he came in DD was angry with him. This was to be the first time they talked about the whole mess H has left our family in he hasn't made any effort at all whatsoever with DD so she had a few things to say I kept quiet during this event as I thought they both needed to talk but it ended with H crying and DD angry and she went upstairs leaving him with me.

I stressed to him that I meant what I said in the PP letter and that I don't want any contact with him at all in any way until OW is out of his life and to please take me seriously and respect my wishes.

The very next day I was coming out of the shop DD was in the car H saw the car didn't go over to speak to DD I walked past him saying Hi and got on the car and drove off.

So for the past week I've been shutting myself away he just seems to be everywhere. He hasn't called so I guess thats something.

I just feel so stressed out with all of the drama in his trail I feel like I don't know him anymore and it all hurts so much.

Mash

Mash

I'm so sorry. Hugs Hugs and more Hugs to you.

Hi

I'm feeling a bit lost right now.

I hurt when I have contact with H and hurt more when I don't. I feel like I'm in a no win situation and don't know how to get out of it.

It has now been over 6 weeks since I last spoke to H it feels like he has totally checked out of our marriage and I don't think he will ever come back home.

The last time DD and I spoke to him he promised DD that he would make an effort to see her and speak with her she hasn't heard from him since. She made a big deal about him not contacting her at Christmas 07 he did the very same to her Christmas 08. She too is hurting very much and I don't know how to help her.

I think he has moved back in with OW since my exit from his life. He still pretends to be living alone to our DS.

I heard on the grapevine that he is now looking into going to live overseas and that he has applied for another country. I'm wondering if I should now start the ball rolling towards the division of our assets. There could be consiquences of this. It might give him the final push towards D but at the same time I feel I should be protecting myself I just don't know what to do for the best. I'm so scared.

Would it do any good if I went to speak to him? I just don't know, but I am tempted.

Mash, I'm so sorry you're feeling lost. And I'm really sorry your daughter was hurt. Ouch.

quote:

Would it do any good if I went to speak to him? I just don't know, but I am tempted.

I think the answer should be based on what you think, when you are in a calm and grounded place....and not based on whatever he might say.

Lawyers can tell you how to divorce. I guess the key question though, is are you done with your marriage emotionally? Does that feel right to YOU?

At the very least, you should protect yourself financially, which may not mean the same thing as divorce. A good financial advisor or lawyer can talk to you about finances....they are not marriage advisors. Understand the difference and you understand that you only you can decide if you are ready to sever all ties. If you can talk to a really good counselor, that would help you with the marriage questions.

Just always remember, that the answer to whether you are done with your marriage, can only come from you. The rest is just legality.

Big, big hugs,
GS

Hi All


I have spoken with H. Can anyone make any sense of this?


He sat there crying a lot telling me he wrote me a letter sharing all his feelings about what he has done and then binned it, he wishes he had never met OW, he has no future with her, he isn't happy, he has no relationship with her child who, according to him is always in bed, at school or with her dad whenever he is at her house. He says he hasn't moved back in with OW. He said he had been sitting waiting for 5 weeks wondering if anyone would go visit him (kids + me). He said he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. He also cried a lot when I spoke of DD and DGS. He is still welcomed at DS’s house where DGS lives but complained about never getting to see DGS. I asked him how things were with him and DS as I don’t like to ask DS. H says DS tolerates him.


He told me he has applied for migration, (I had heard of this through the grapevine) this had always been one of OUR plans he also told me he thought about asking me to go with him, he made sure I knew this was “just a thought” and that he even pictured himself telling OW he was going away with me. The reason for this idea is due to the recent credit crunch and maybe his depression (I think). His work is in short demand he hasn’t worked for about 10 weeks now. I have also lost both of my part time jobs recently.


I can't afford to live in my home anymore financially or emotionally I have told H this on numerous occasions but he just buries his head in the sand and doesn't listen or doesn't care. I told him that I have to move into smaller accommodation away from this area and that DD suggested that she move into student accommodation that way we can lease our home also I think it would be good for me to get away from all of this for a while. Because we live in such a small community it is very hard not to be seeing or hearing about H’s new lifestyle therefore I am struggling to move my focus away from him he is everywhere.


He said that he would move in with DD that way we can lease the property he lives in. I told him I thought his suggestion was ideal. I asked him if he was sure that is what he wanted to do, did he need time to think about it and did he want to speak to anyone else about this before I put it to our DD. He said yes he was sure and no, he didn’t need time or to speak to anyone but he then started getting irritable and shaking a little so I don’t know it all feels like he is playing silly games. He suggested this before when I told him of my struggle to live here and when I spoke to DD about it she consented to this for the foreseeable future until, the next day she saw his car at OW’s house, told him she saw it there, that threw a spanner in the works and all deals where off.


DD was angry at her dad when I told her his suggestion because of what happened the last time and also because not once since end of Nov has he called her not even at Christmas. She was in DS’s car 2 weeks ago with DGS. DS had popped into the shop. H was also at the shop saw them and approached the car to speak to them. He asked DD was she speaking to him and she said I was never, not speaking to you Dad. He kissed DGS and walked away saying nothing else to DD.


My only support has been a 70 year old aunt who experienced infidelity years ago and a friend, who is an OW and tells me too much of what is going on in her clandestine relationship. I feel like I have to give them a break so I have no-one else in the world I can speak to now except you guys. I haven’t told any of my family any details except that we have separated due to H infidelity they don’t know that he is still involved with OW although they probably suspect that he is. One of my brothers think I’m having a nervous breakdown or heading that way I just can’t handle this anymore and don’t know what to do. I have lost interest in my life and am an all time low. Please if anyone out there can offer help I really need it right now.


Mash x.

I'm so SO sorry Mash!
You are sounding so very down. What resources are there out there that you could access? I think it's important if you are that low. Counselling? Helpline? Any community resources?

And is there anywhere you could go and meet some new people, make some new friends?

What are the things you used to enjoy?

Can you arrange to see some friends - even if they don't know about the infidelity - just to get yourself out and about and distracted a bit?

As for your H, he sounds like he's trying to drag you back into his chaos and engage you again so he can feel important. I'd ignore him as far as possible. If he goes through with the lease thing, then good, but try not to pin your hopes on him he doesn't sound like he's together enough to rely on right now.

All the best Mash, and we're always here for you on here.

Hi Mash, Mags is right, he's dragging into his chaos. Have you ever considered going into protection phase? I would strongly suggest you consider it. You need to find some grounded calm in your life.

And Maybe I'm reading too much into your words but as a moderator of this forum and someone who cares about every single person that comes here....the last couple of sentances of your post concern me. You should seek professional help if you feel that low and just incase that needs to happen fast please note the "hotlines" post at the top of this forum.

I myself have been to places where it just seems all is lost, but things always have a way of working themselves out no matter how impossible that sounds.

Hugs Mash.

Mash,

I'm really sorry to read that things are so tough now. It is understandable that you are experiencing a great deal of stress through this. Why does your brother suggest you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Do you have a minister that you can talk with or someone else at church?

You have value deep down inside you if you'll take some time to find it. There are those that see it as well. Take some time to connect with that part of you. Don't be afraid to ask for help from others.

HoFS

Oh Mash,
Don't let a man, any man, make you feel less than the wonderful person that you are. You have been through so much with this man...you should feel nothing but pride for standing by him, even when he has behaved so horribly.

Your H needs mental help - and he is inflicting harm on even his children - I hate to see you take responsibility for his actions. Because YOU have really take the high road through this.

Please talk to a counselor. But at the very least, do NOT accept any responsibility for your H's mistakes. They are his...and his alone. You cannot control him anymore than you can control the weather. You have nothing to be ashamed of, or repentent for.

I'm very proud of you and I respect all you've been through. I hope you can pull yourself through this and see the really bright star that you are.
GS

Hey guys

Mags, Sleepy, HOFS, and GS I’m so sorry I haven’t been on to thank you all for responding so quickly after my last post. I’ve been unwell and in hospital. I’m feeling physically fine now, they’ve done some tests and I should get the results back soon. They are testing for liver dysfunction and also there testing my pertuity gland. Anyway your words and kindness really pulled me out of a big black whole.

I feel like H is totally in control of my life he won’t go forward and he won’t go back he is there causing pain all the time with his behaviour it was stressing me so much that I also thought I was having a breakdown.

Mags I have spent a lot of time with our parish priest over the last couple of weeks and it did help, a lot, just to be able to unload and say anything and totally trust him it has been good for me.

Sleepy PP would be the best thing for all of us but is so hard in this tiny wee community that we live in, we are practically living on top of one another the last time I managed it for several months but I was scurrying about at night doing my shopping in all night stores it was awful I still do it lots to avoid seeing him but I don’t want to be doing this for ever. Please don’t think I am going to do anything silly (too scared of going to hell).

Hofs my brother thought this because I am usually everyone’s rock, the person that everyone comes too for help and he just thinks I am falling apart he has also saw me have a few panic attacks.

GS you are 100% right about H needing mental help on 4 occasions over the last few months he has told me he is going to kill himself one night I actually thought he had done it I could see him lying on the sofa in the dark and not moving even although I was banging on the window and door I really thought he was dead I called the police THEN he opened the door.

DD has been a godsend to me even although she has been going through some bad stuff with H.

She was at an event with her friends. On her way to the venue she saw her H’s car parked at OW’s house, she said she was fine with that. On her way back they were dropping off friends that live in OW area at 2 in the morning, she saw her dad and OW getting out of cab and go into her house. She came home in floods of tears. I comforted her as much as I could under the circumstances and told her to try to avoid the area.

2 nights later she is in a fast food place getting her b/f something to eat b/f was in the car and H walked in saw DD and then walked out again making eye contact with DD’s b/f crossed the road got in his car and drove off. DD didn’t see him until b/f told her so now she is wondering how many times he has done this. And there were more tears.

Then yesterday DD went on to a web site that everyone in our comunity and all our old school friends use (we went to same school our kids went to) she done a search of DS to see his new stuff that he had put on there and guess what…. there was H with his own page (H and DS have same name). So H is now broadcasting to the world that he has separated. Anyone looking up DS can read all about it. Kids are totally mortified.

I know I shouldn’t have but I went round to confront him. Its one thing, doing what he is doing to me, but another when he is doing it to the kids as right now they are my #1 priority.

H just made a lot of lame excuses and used this opportunity to have another go at me. I didn’t get angry with him I kept focussed on what I was there for. He told me he doesn’t care anymore what happens about anything (I don’t know what he meant by that when I asked him he just repeated he doesn’t care anymore about anything or what happens. I told him I DO care about our kids and their future and that I wanted to do what I could to protect them in all of this I also him about my time at the hospital I wish I hadn’t because he used this as another opportunity to verbally abuse me. I think he is attacking me like this because of his guilt but it is very hurtful.

He was ranting about how unhappy he was and screaming at me for wanting him to come home even although we haven’t spoken about this since October so I said I don’t want you back, although, I said this calmly and it is how I felt at the time I don’t know if it is how I truly feel. I am just so sick of the lies and the attitude he has.

Oh guys I’m sorry this post has been so long I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m losing patients rapidly and I feel like I have hit the brick wall again.

Mash

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