Hi Mags and GS

I'm actually fine just now thanks for asking I feel quite grounded now that the whole picture is starting to unravel itself to me.

DD received an e-mail from the OW, oh it was meant for me but went through DD's mail. DD was upset and I thought enough is enough I spoke to H about it and he got angry with ME I told him I'd deal with it myself so I called OW. At the start of the call I told her she was on loud speaker and that DD was sitting with me.

She said the e-mail was an accident and she tried to delete it before it sent. During the course of the conversation she told me how H pursued her for a whole year before she allowed herself to be captured by him and that he had the condoms ready when it happened. She lived in a little town out in the sticks when they met but she worked in our town and that he was at her house working and things just happened. She said when he moved from my house he moved straight into hers then after 9 months (this is when I went to see him) he moved out telling her that he needed time to think on his own. She said they did finish with each other recently the reason she gave for the split was they had an arguement over our kids she said to him that they would never accept her but he according to her said one day they would and that everything would work itself out for them she said it wouldn't but maybe if he met someone else they would accept her. She told me that H planned right from the start that he would leave me for her. I was very nonchalant during the call but the next day I was ill with it all and very hurt, once I thought the conversation through I decided to check out some of the things she said and I see a different picture from the one she tried to paint.

They are claiming that it started 3 years ago but I know it started at the very least 4 years ago I couldn't get my head round this lie at all. She made such a big deal of getting this point accross and it was bugging me driving me mad even why lie about it after all this time I had to check it out so now I know it is because she was still living with her H who, has an active roll in her D life.

You see H father died when he was a child and he has made such a big deal his whole adult life about how hard and sad it was to grow up without his father. So I asked my H a while back had she seperated from her H when they started the A he said yes I said well at least that is something he asked what I meant I said because it would have been awful if he was the cause of another child gowing up without her father he went mad with this statement now I know why. He even told me my church was making me a worse person (go figure). BTW OW's father left her life when she was 3 years old she spoke of him with acid on her tongue yet she says she loves a man who has done the same to his family.

She also spoke about the text message she got from my DD asking her in a very nice way to back off and let her parents sort out their marriage she said H denied saying there was no R or future with OW. I told her H knew I was telling the kids everything they asked about our time together and that my kids had had enough lies told to them and I certainly wasn't going to lie to them.

She said the R is fine just now and that they love each other.

Her mother and step father don't know anything except that they are in a R NOW.

She says she is looking for another job I told her it didn't affect me where she works and this is now true.

With everything that she has been doing and saying it makes me think that she was looking for a reaction from me so if she was, she got one, I reacted by stopping my Divorce.


Please tell me your thoughts on this so I can compare them with mine.

Mash x

Hi Mash,
You are a brave soul to have these conversations with OW and H....but I guess my first reaction is that I hate to see you get caught up in their icky tornado of drama. I feel bad that your H is so sick with addiction, as is OW, that they have made such a mess of their lives - but they are sucking you in. Hearing what this has done to their children, even after their own childhood experiences, is sad.

It is REALLY hard to figure out what is truth and what is lie when we talk to people in affairs. Sometimes they don't even know I think. Besides the affair partners wanting to be together...the second feeling they probably have is trying to rationalize it and/or make it ok with everyone else...especially their spouses and children. And you just can't know the status of H's relationship with OW, or what either of their motivations are right now. They are more than a little mixed up to put it mildly.

I worry about you hearing all this Mash, because I don't doubt that whatever stories you are hearing - HURTS to hear. It damages your love for your H, and it chips away I bet, at your own happiness. Or, it gets your hopes up that their relationship is ending, and you might find out it isn't. You just don't know from talking to them. It's like trying to directions from a drunk - probably not much helpful information comes out.

Not to tell you what to do...BUT...I can't help it. I would stay out of contact with both of them. Hopefully their drama will die and their relationship will end, but you need to let it stand on its own so it has a chance to do that. Do not let OW use you for ANYTHING she has in mind. There is a reason she contact you and your D - and whatever it was - it is doubtful that it was for your benefit.

And in the meantime - seek out happiness in other areas of your life. No good can come from conversations with those two. When you feel whole, stable and fulfilled, you get clear on what you want to do with your marriage. Don't let conversations with either of them, influence what YOU do (or don't do). Keep that power close and treasured - the power to make decisions about your life, what your priorities are, what your values are...are very strong tools to have. When you feel that centered - many things become clear outside the tornado.

Hugs,
GS

Hi

I'm sorry I haven’t posted for a while I think I needed a break from talking about my situation, but I have still been popping in every other day reading advice given to others, you guys are the best.

Since I last posted, the situation between H and me has changed. We have been spending a lot of time together. His other relationship has been over for 2 months now and to the best of my knowledge there has been NC. What this means for us I don't know.

We went to a birthday party together the other week there were a lot of our friends there it was a very good evening H was very attentive asking me if I was alright every now and then. It was good to see all the old gang and it felt like old times he also said this. Later when we got home he told me he loved me and that he never stopped loving me I wasn’t expecting this it came right out of the blue but so nice to hear.

I hosted a family dinner last week for our DS his job is taking him overseas for a month. H didn’t know if he could make it due to work commitments but he did and on time. It was so good that we were all there together having a great time just being a family again. And again later when we were alone H expressed his love and admiration for me.

DD is happier now that her dad is back in her life although she is reluctant to admit this, I can see a pleasant change in her.

We have been getting closer lately and I can see it in him that he is enjoying the time we are together by ourselves and with our family he has also said as much, but sometimes when I look at him, when he thinks I'm not looking I see him drifting off and he becomes quiet. I don't know how to handle this.

I’m scared of what the future holds for us whichever way it goes. I guess I just wanted to share all this with you guys and ask for your thoughts or advise to help me through this.

Mash xx

Good for you! That all sounds positive. I would encourage you to be aware and pay attention - as you've been doing. Are his words matching his actions matching his energy? If so, and in a way that is positive for you, then continue to engage while still remaining aware.

At some point, if it continues this way, I think it would be beneficial to have a straightforward conversation about where each of you thinks things are going and what that looks like. Just to be sure everyone is on the same page

P

Hi Penny

Thank you so much for answering my post and for your words of advice and encouragement.

Most of the time his words are matching his actions and energy but I am still watching.

Yeah I have to have this chat with him I'm a bit scared but when I think the time is right I will speak to him. I still have a whole lot of work to do on me but I'm getting there.

Penny can I ask from your own personal knowledge dose it make a difference to marriage reconciliation who ends the A. I mean if the AP ends it dose it take longer for the WS to get over the A and then what if the AP wants a reconciliation with WS, just asking, at this moment I don't know what happened in H A but it would be good to have a little insight into those dynamics.

Mashxx