Hello all. It saddening to see so many members in a place with something so horrible in common. But, perhaps it can give me some hope as well.

That being said, allow me to tell you what is happening.

My wife and I have been together for 5 years, married for almost two. We have a 3 year old son and she is 3 months pregnant with our second child. We have very busy and active lives, my wife is a full-time RN and working on her graduate degree as well.

Recently, I discovered that my wife was having an "emotional affair" with a man at work who is married with 3 kids of his own. Their interactions, from what I know, have not been physical, but highly inapproprate conversations, phone calls, emails, texts, etc. have transpired which is how I caught them. This is not the first time she has done this, as the pattern seems to stem every 10-12 months befoer she seeks outside attention from other men, exclusively related to her work. I'll touch on that a little more in a minute.

After another drag out emotional event that lasted for a couple of days, we decided to seek professional counseling. The first session went well, and wasn't as awkward for me as it seemed for her at times. We discussed my wife's extra- marital "emotional" affair she had been engaged in with a coworker for the last month. In so many words, my wife stated she doesn't know why she seekd out attention from other men (he was not the first..the cycle runs one guy for every 10 months to a year), but the relationship between them, although no physical contact was made (or so has been revieled thusfar) was highly inappropriate and continous even though I caught it early, confronted her and him as well via email. Sidenote: He is married with 3 young girls of his own, supposedly happily, and is 15 years my wife's senior. I am 10 years her elder. She has claimed the activity has since stopped and she asked him to discontinue, but he didn't, so I contacted his wife myself and sent her all the corresponding proof from captured emails and phone records I had collected between them. I havent seen any activity since between the two, but they do work together, so what I can only go on is her word, which right now means very little as you can expect.

I do not want to distrust my wife or spy on her. I love her deeply and want the best for us and our family (she is 3 months preganant with our second child). She told me and our counselor she does love me very much but is very confused because she doesn't know why she seeks affection from other men when she admits I am highly attentive, attractive, loving and a great father and provider. She also sais at this point I shoudln't trust her because she cannot trust herself.

Up to the very minute before I caught her, she acted normal. Very happy, very loving, great sex life with me, plans for the future and vacations and home improvements, etc...until the bomb dropped. Now, although I am working extremely hard to be a better husband and communicator, she shows very little interest in me. She will not make love to me, although I have been free to give her entire full body massages to ease the aches of her preganancy, rub her feet for hours, hold her hand (although she wont clinch my hand back; it lays limp), kiss her and cuddle her all night in bed. But, when I try to initate a sexual bond, the one tell-tale that I as a man has as a reassurance of the love she feels for me and the "oneness" if you will, she will start to cry and say that she just cannot. That has crushed me inside, but I have refrained from telling her that (I'll save it for the counsellor's couch) because i honestly am not looking for physical relief, but the deep bond we once had to be rekindled.

I have also sat and expressed some of my feelings and internal discoveries of shortcomings in myself that I realize that I will work never-ending to correct to ensure her of my devotion and committment to her, but when I try to get her to open up to me, she gets angry and says that is why she is in counselling with me, to share it there with "a referee" and to let her have that. I have not argued the point and I have backed off. But it seems as if she is so disconnected from me that she can't-wont tell me anything unless a mediator is present to baby-step us through a process. Don't get me wrong, I love that we are doing this together and I pray to God above it helps save what I cherish between us so much...but I don't want that to be the only avenue for communication between us.

I have also been trying to reignite "an affair", if you will, between my wife and I. I email her, send her text messages, send digital pages, etc., telling her she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, how she is my heart and soul, etc. Unfortunately, she rarely responds and when she does it is never reciprocating in a flirtaious sense. SHe only goes as far as "Love you" at the end of her short repsonses. When she comes home, I have made everything as possibly complete for her that I can within the hour and half I have between the two of us getting home from work and me taking care of our three year old after his day in Daycare. Dinner is ready, house is tidy, clothes are washed, and I am ready and set to sit and listen to her about her day.

Am I doing the right things? Do you think she will ever come back to me emotionally and romantically? Please, anyone's thoughts...I feel helpless to reconnect to her. I know I need to have patience and let our counselor facilitate the process, but it hurts to think I need a moderator in order to communicate with the woman I love and cherish deeply. Anyone that has past experience or thoughtful insight that can help me think rationally, please respond. Thank you for taking the time to read through my ramblings.

Hi dante and welcome to symc. Yes, it is sad that the need for such a place exists. And, I'm glad we can be here for those who need us. Again, welcome.

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I do not want to distrust my wife or spy on her.

And yet .... she has shown herself to be untrustworthy. Soooo ... why are you assuming guilt for her shortcoming?

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I havent seen any activity since between the two, but they do work together, so what I can only go on is her word, which right now means very little as you can expect.

True. The default answer is she needs to find somewhere else to work. But if this is a pattern I'm not sure that's really all that helpful in the long run. There will just be someone else ... unless she works in a convent.

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She also sais at this point I shoudln't trust her because she cannot trust herself.

Wise and insightful. Please don't invalidate this; it's important.

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Now, although I am working extremely hard to be a better husband and communicator, she shows very little interest in me.

Two things:
First -- her affairs are not about any failing on your part. Really. I know it feels like it. And I know it feels if like if you can just be good enough then she'll see and appreciate it and this will never happen again. There's some comfort in that because it implies a level of control. But it's not true. Period. End of story. The affairs are about her and her own failings. Not. About. You.

Second -- She is feeling horribly about herself. She knows she's not trustworthy. She knows she's failed. AND - she doesn't know why. That's horribly frightening. Not to mention it feels like being horribly flawed. So when you do all those lovely things for her she doesn't feel warm and connected and snuggly ... she feels even more guilty and more unworthy. No one can respond favorably from that place.

I'm not saying don't be kind, please do. I am saying you might need to give her some breathing space. Do the sorts of things you would do for someone with a bad case of the flu ... and do it only because you care about her not because you hope it will reignite anything with you.

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i honestly am not looking for physical relief, but the deep bond we once had to be rekindled.

And what if *she* doesn't want that bond? What if it's too scary? What if it makes her guilt and self loathing worse? What if she just doesn't know what she wants right now?

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I have also sat and expressed some of my feelings and internal discoveries of shortcomings in myself that I realize that I will work never-ending to correct to ensure her of my devotion and committment to her, but when I try to get her to open up to me, she gets angry and says that is why she is in counselling with me, to share it there with "a referee" and to let her have that.

Mmmm hmmmm. Probably she doesn't want to hear your self stated failings and never-ending devotion. (See guilt and unworthiness above.) Plus, it probably feels a little manipulative when you probe her to open up in return.

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But it seems as if she is so disconnected from me that she can't-wont tell me anything unless a mediator is present to baby-step us through a process.

Yesssss .... and .... the person from whom she is really disconnected is herself. She needs to find that before she can find connection to you, or anyone else for that matter.

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I have also been trying to reignite "an affair", if you will, between my wife and I. I email her, send her text messages, send digital pages, etc., telling her she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, how she is my heart and soul, etc. Unfortunately, she rarely responds and when she does it is never reciprocating in a flirtaious sense. SHe only goes as far as "Love you" at the end of her short repsonses.

Those things are delightful when the connection is there. When it's not .... mmmmm .... it's a bit like a buzzing fly. Unless she's responding positively I would back off. A single friendly text message a day is pleasant. A bazillion of them can feel like being bombarded.

You have to remember she's probably emotionally exhausted. And, she's pregnant. Think calm, subtle, low level, acts of care.

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When she comes home, I have made everything as possibly complete for her that I can within the hour and half I have between the two of us getting home from work and me taking care of our three year old after his day in Daycare. Dinner is ready, house is tidy, clothes are washed, and I am ready and set to sit and listen to her about her day.

Is that your normal style or is it desperation? Strong empowered care is attractive. Desperation can't be sustained and it feels clingy.

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Do you think she will ever come back to me emotionally and romantically?

Yesssss ....... Although the series of affairs is very troubling to me. The real question I have is how much deep attachment was ever there? And then what is beneath that dynamic that she chooses to distract and run rather than create real intimacy? Can you heal your marriage? Sure -- if both of you are willing to do the work.

P

Penny - THANK YOU for your very insightful response. I am amazed at how right on you were about so many things you said.

To try and be short and not ramble on in responses:

On my trust and spying - I agree, she created this monster, but I fear that I've opened Pandora's box. "IF" our marriage survives this ongoing mess, I want to know within me that I can rebuild enough trust to not be a secret agent behind her back and watch and (over)analyze every move she makes.

The work issue, you're dead on; it's pointless for her to change jobs. We've been down that road once, and it's led her to the place she is at now. Maybe becoming a nun would work, but I fear our intimacy issues would really suffer then. haha.

On the being kind and preparing the home for her arrival. Not new on my part at all, but definitely elevated out of a measure of desperation. I've told our marriage counselor the same thing. I've always been attentive, but not the greatest housekeeper..not a slob..but more relaxed than now. I know I am frantic, but I can't seem to control that within myself right now, and it really sucks. But, I am doing it because I care and love her. Being pregnant, I don't feel I'd be treating things any differently right now even if things between us were perfect. She needs me to be extremely supportive through that time anyway, so really it is a double edged sword.

The sexual bond: That is the crushing blow to that inner ego of mine. I know she doesn't want that bond. That hurts horribly. If the tables were turned, and knowing her self esteem issues she displays regularly, she would be twice as devastated inside as I am. I don't verbalize that to her, but it is true. The last encounter we had, where I was turned away, she said she was scared and had "a million things" running through her head. Good enough for me, and I backed off and haven't approached it since. I just want to understand her, but you were correct when you said she doesn't understand herself. Not pretty.

On my discussion with her about my feelings: I specifically told her that she didn't need to respond or say anything if she didn't want to. I told her that I wanted to say soem things that were on my mind, as she has ALWAYS been a big advocate of communication..even though she herself is less than stellar at it. I would imagine this will be revisited in session this evening. I DO NOT want to manipulate her, not all at. If I am doing that, than I need to find a way to stop, because it is not my intent. I know I cannot control her, and I never want to feel the need to have to try to control her. I told her as well that I know I cannot change her, I can only change myself. Although I will work to find the things that are not right within me in our marriage, I don't know that I necessarily have to change much. I'm really a pretty good guy. At the moment, needy without a doubt as I am rocked to my soul with doubt, sadness and insecurity...but I am not permanently broken.

On the texts and emails: I understand. I'll keep it to a minimum. I kind of wondered if they were helping or hurting, but again, desperate times warrant desperate measures from desperate people. usually those decisions are horribly off-target even if they have the best of intentions. I'm just scrambling trying to show her I am still "that guy" that blew her away years ago.

On your last note to my last question: The affairs trouble me to no end and I have the same questions surrounding if she ever was truly committed to me and our family. I have to try and believe in my heart that she is. I do wonder if she has agreed to therapy to fix and save our marriage or to save herself and move on. Time will tell me that answer. But as a husband and a father (soon to be of two), the waiting, not knowing, not understanding and feeling my heart break more everyday is absolute Hell. In fact, if I were to spend an eternity in Hell after my death, I can imagine this is exactly what they would have in store for me...it would just be a perfect combination.

One last note that I would love to hear your thoughts on: She continues to make plans for our future. Putting a deck on the house, a family get away next year, a get-away (with our son with us) next month, plans that are years out, etc. I find some comfort in that, but also worry as well that she could be fooling herself into reconcilliation only to nuke those plans in the near future, which would have a severly negative impact on me. With the mixed signals of her plans for us, and then her lack of affection towards me, I am left once again in that Hellish limbo. Should I discount her words of the future and inwardly focus on the now, or do you think there is a positive to draw upon?

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"IF" our marriage survives this ongoing mess, I want to know within me that I can rebuild enough trust to not be a secret agent behind her back and watch and (over)analyze every move she makes.

Yessss ... I understand that. But *you* can't rebuild trust. *She* needs to do that.

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Maybe becoming a nun would work, but I fear our intimacy issues would really suffer then. haha.

Yahhh .... just a wee drawback, that .....

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I know I am frantic, but I can't seem to control that within myself right now, and it really sucks. But, I am doing it because I care and love her.

See, here's the thing. You can do something from a place of love. And you can do the exact same thing from a place of frantic fear. But you can't do it from a place of both at the same time. Different parts of the brain, different chemicals pouring through your body. I suspect that when you say you're doing it because you love and care for her the reality is more like: I'm doing it because I'm terrified of what I will be without her and I'm frantically hoping this will make sure I never need to find out.

Again, not saying don't go the extra mile to be caring but you need to get calm and grounded so you can do it from a place that is empowered and about values rather than a place that is frantic. Although the actions may look the same the energy will be very different.

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I know she doesn't want that bond. That hurts horribly.

I know it does. Remember it's not about you. It affects you and it hurts like hell i won't deny that for a nano second. And it's not about you. She's having a hard time finding the connection to herSelf ... which she needs in order to connect to you. You can't do that for her - she needs to do it herself.

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I'm just scrambling trying to show her I am still "that guy" that blew her away years ago.

I understand. In some ways you can always be that guy. In other ways, because of the way the human biology works, she won't see you exactly the same as she did then; you won't be able to maintain that euphoric state. And that's ok. There's much more to intimcacy than butterflies and intense obsession.

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The affairs trouble me to no end and I have the same questions surrounding if she ever was truly committed to me and our family.

The thing you have to remember about humans in general and people with impulse control/distraction issues in particular is we ALL mean it in the moment. (Ok, well those of us who try to live with integrity which I choose to believe is most of us.) So was she ever committed? Of course she was!! Is she today? Probably. The real question is does she have the skills and the strength to understand when and how she's making her decisions from a place of emotion rather than a place of value? And if not, (and it's toxic enough since we all fail in that area often enough) is she willing to do the work to get there. *That's* real commitment - to Self first and then to the priorties we've set in life.

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the waiting, not knowing, not understanding and feeling my heart break more everyday is absolute Hell. In fact, if I were to spend an eternity in Hell after my death, I can imagine this is exactly what they would have in store for me...it would just be a perfect combination.

I can't say I would argue with that one bit. I'm so sorry.

quote:

he continues to make plans for our future. Putting a deck on the house, a family get away next year, a get-away (with our son with us) next month, plans that are years out, etc. I find some comfort in that, but also worry as well that she could be fooling herself into reconcilliation only to nuke those plans in the near future, which would have a severly negative impact on me. With the mixed signals of her plans for us, and then her lack of affection towards me, I am left once again in that Hellish limbo. Should I discount her words of the future and inwardly focus on the now, or do you think there is a positive to draw upon?

Again, I am sure she means it in the moment. Is it open to change? Yep. And then again so is just about anything we talk about concerning our futures. Soooo ... that in itself doesn't throw up any red flags or signal any cause for celebration for me. I do think it's important for you to focus on the now ... on finding your center, on getting calm, so that you can make your decisons - big and small - with a goodly level of rationality and clarity.

Some questions I should've asked yesterday and got distracted by something shiny ...

How are you eating?

Sleeping?

Ability to focus at work or home?

Ability to interact with your wee one?

Exercise?

Real life support system?

hugs,

P

Some questions I should've asked yesterday and got distracted by something shiny ...

How are you eating?

A. Not like normal at all. I've dropped about 12-15 lbs. But, I look like I should be in a Bowflex commercial now, so it's not all bad.

Sleeping?

A. Sporatically. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and that's it..I'm awake and the mind is racing, usually about my wife's indescretions (my perception of them and what may or may not have happened, usually).

Ability to focus at work or home?

A. Not at all. Can't focus on anything else for more than a couple of seconds. Very troubling to me.

Ability to interact with your wee one?

A. Always. He is the light of my life. Although, I do cry when I think of him having part-time parents, and i worry for our incoming child to the world of an already-broken family potentially.

Exercise?

A. Luckily I am a gym rat (see Bowflex comment above). I haven't worked out since this started. I just don't have the inner drive. I always take an hour at work and go to the gym across the street. But, if my wife doesn't find me attractive, I don't see the point. I am not attempting to impress anyone else with my physique.

Real life support system?

A. Not really. My closest friend is an idiot and has been for the 30 years I've known him. He is very unforgiving of her actions and thinks I should have walked long ago. I don't pay him any attention.

My immediate family wishes this were all a nightmare in the literal sense, not reality. They are doing nothing but showing me pity, which I am uninterested in. I need advise, like you are providing, and hopefully a solution in the near future, not a pity party. It makes me feel worse.

It's kind me-myself and I through this thing. Probably best that way I guess.

Alrighty then - here's your assigment for the day:

1. Breathe. Right now. (Yes, I mean it - don't roll your eyes at me...)

Big breath in ............

And out


And in again ..........

And out


And again ..........

And out


Good. Repeat every hour, minimum.


2. Now that you have some oxygen in your body let's add a some water. A few sips if that's all you can manage. A full glass if at all possible.

Go do that and then come back.


3. DID YOU DRINK SOME WATER????

Mmmm hmmm ... Ok then.


4. If you have not eaten let's think about a nutritionally dense snack. Toast, fruit, cheese, yogurt, a banana (yes, I know that's a fruit..), a protein shake. Something to refill the energy drain all of this has.


5. If you can't face going to the gym get outside and take a walk today. Take the wee one with you if you like. Go to the park, the zoo, the ocean, whatever. But get outside and move about.

6. Call you family doc - or someone else in your network if you don't want to deal with someone who knows you. I want you to do two things - first have a discussion about the symptoms we just went through above and the possibility of short term anti-depressants. S/he can determine if they would be helpful but many of us have found them to be absolutely life saving - sometimes literally.

Second - I want you to consider an STD test. I know it's only been emotional. But let's not take any chances, hmm?

7. At bedtime tonight I want you to take a warm shower and then do the deep breathing exercises above. If you have a meditation practice and can focus - great! If not then all I want you to do is just feel and listen and pay attention to each breath. If you wake up and can't get back to sleep try that as well.

Alright. I'm in and out all day today and here and there over the weekend. I'll keep and eye on you. And I'll be collecting homework so don't think I won't ask.

hug,

P

Well, I've tried the breathing and the drinking and even ate a little. Although this sustains me, it is really the inner me that is in pain and the exterior that shows the effects.

I've told my wife that I want a paternity test for our new born when the time comes. I haven't considered the STD thing, but perhaps I should..I don't know...it just seems like I am reducing my wife to the prostitute level in a sense by going to those measures at this point. She swears there hasn't been physical contact with these [edited]...not that I fully believe that of course..but I am hoping to discover all things unknown through our therapy.

As for myself, I am just not the anti-depressant kind of person. I know many people whom depend on them to get through each day. I don't want to be one of them. I'd rather face things head on even if it means I cry like a baby for weeks continously...at least it will be real and I will know without a doubt that my feelings about her were my own and very real. But I do appreciate the thought to suggest it.

It just seems surreal. When I look at my wife, I find it overwhelming to try and compartmentalize this entire thing. How can the girl I love so dearly and have worked so hard with to build our family be this so screwed up in her head that she could throw everything away for some cheap new thrill that wouldn't last more than a month? It resonates of insanity.

Edited for ToS.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Penny_SYMC,

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Although this sustains me, it is really the inner me that is in pain and the exterior that shows the effects.

Yes. And your Inner Child needs your exterior to be oxygenated, hydrated, and fed with nutritionally dense foods in order to weather this storm. YOU as the adult have the obligation to care for the body that houses and sustains your inner child -- just as you do your biological child.

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I've told my wife that I want a paternity test for our new born when the time comes. I haven't considered the STD thing, but perhaps I should..I don't know...it just seems like I am reducing my wife to the prostitute level in a sense by going to those measures at this point.

And a paternity test is different than an STD test in that regard .... how? This is no time to be maudlin. Almost always these things come back negative. Your life is not worth being squeamish. Not to mention your children need you alive and healthy.

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She swears there hasn't been physical contact with these [edited]...not that I fully believe that of course..but I am hoping to discover all things unknown through our therapy.

Everyone says that. Occasionally it's true. Me? I never believe it.

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It resonates of insanity.

Yes, it does. It's one of those things in life for which there is no understanding in the rational mind. That's not to say there isn't a very reasonable explanation -- but having an explanation and understanding it at a gut level are two different things, I know.

hugs,

P

Oops, I didn't catch that earlier. I'm going to edit out the name calling in your post and my reply. I know how difficult this is so don't sweat it -- it happens to all of us.

P

Hi Dante. Welcome to, err, purgatory.

One thing you should know about Dante's Inferno? He came out the other side into a place so wonderful that he never could have imagined it. The inferno was still horrific. Just wanted you to remember there is another side.

And about those anti-depressants. I understand the "I don't want to take drugs" thing. Been there, done that, t-shirt, etc. I resisted them for more than a year.

And that year helped destroy my marriage because I could not get a handle on my emotions. They were completely overwhelming me. And if you broke your leg, would you refuse a splint, a few ibuprofen, and some physical therapy? Please talk to your doc. There are things that will help you deal with absolutely horrible days (like Xanax, which is an anti-anxiety medication) and there are things that will help your system deal with the shock.

Oh.

Shock.

I mean that literally.

You've suffered a severe emotional injury, here. The fact that you're walking around may make you think that you are uninjured, but that's fairly far from the truth. So let's talk about emotional injury and what happens during it.

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trauma actually changes the structure and function of the brain, at the point where the frontal cortex, the emotional brain and the survival brain converge. A significant finding is that brain scans of people with relationship or developmental problems, learning problems, and social problems related to emotional intelligence reveal similar structural and functional irregularities as is the case resulting from PTSD.

Anyone can become traumatized. Even professionals who work with trauma, or other people close to a traumatized person, can develop symptoms of "vicarious" or "secondary" traumatization. Developing symptoms is never a sign of weakness. Symptoms should be taken seriously and steps should be taken to heal, just as one would take action to heal from a physical ailment. And just as with a physical condition, the amount of time or assistance needed to recover from emotional trauma will vary from one person to another.

There are common effects or conditions that may occur following a traumatic event. Sometimes these responses can be delayed, for months or even years after the event. Often, people do not even initially associate their symptoms with the precipitating trauma. The following are symptoms that may result from a more commonplace, unresolved trauma, especially if there were earlier, overwhelming life experiences:

Physical
• Eating disturbances (more or less than usual)
• Sleep disturbances (more or less than usual)
• Sexual dysfunction
• Low energy
• Chronic, unexplained pain

Emotional
• Depression, spontaneous crying, despair and hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Fearfulness
• Compulsive and obsessive behaviors
• Feeling out of control
• Irritability, angry and resentment
• Emotional numbness
• Withdrawal from normal routine and relationships

Cognitive
• Memory lapses, especially about the trauma
• Difficulty making decisions
• Decreased ability to concentrate
• Feeling distracted
• ADHD symptoms

The following additional symptoms of emotional trauma are commonly associated with a severe precipitating event, such as a natural disaster, exposure to war, rape, assault, violent crime, major car or airplane crashes, or child abuse. Extreme symptoms can also occur as a delayed reaction to the traumatic event.

Re-experiencing the Trauma
• intrusive thoughts
• flashbacks or nightmares
• sudden floods of emotions or images related to the traumatic event

Emotional Numbing and Avoidance
• amnesia
• avoidance of situations that resemble the initial event
• detachment
• depression
• guilt feelings
• grief reactions
• an altered sense of time

Increased Arousal
• hyper-vigilance, jumpiness, an extreme sense of being "on guard"
• overreactions, including sudden unprovoked anger
• general anxiety
• insomnia
• obsessions with death

(http://www.traumaresources.org/emotional_trauma_overview.htm)

There's plenty more. The important thing to know, though, is that if you are experiencing these things, it is very important to get support. Your family and friends can help. We can help. Your doc can help and will, if you give him/her a chance. I know taking meds feels like a cop-out. But if you are going through an incredibly stressful time and you cannot take the time to fall apart completely, then an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication may help you to function rather than having your brain yammering at you incoherently for six months.

How do I know? Because I finally took the meds. And though I wasn't at 100%, all of a sudden I was at 75%. Which was a whole lot better than the 5% function I'd had the week before.

An update from Friday's therapy session, and the weekend events.

I'll entitle this rant: And So The Truth Shall Set You Free:

I have to tell you, that I feel that the marriage counselor my wife and I chose to go and see more than likely flies home on the Angels' wings she must be hiding behind that big, plush, comfy leather chair she sets in. Just wanted to get that out first.

So many revelations coming from just the second session. I've never seen my wife open up like that, and rarely see her cry with deep felt emotion like she did that evening. Many of my fears were validated, but that came from my wife, who finally breaking down, said that she has been carrying guilt for how she has treated me and our family for so long, especially through this latest mess with the guy at work.

Sidenote about Him: His wife doesn't believe anything I told her, and thinks all the forwarded emails I sent her between my wife and her husband were fabrications. Denial is a strong feeling indeed. Sdaly, her husband fought to get her to believe that all weekend (a week ago), and throughout this past week spent the majority of his time begging my wife to divorce me, AND THEN he would leave his wife and 3 little girls to be with my wife. He truly is a steaming pile of [censored]. Can I say that here? Oh well, unfortuantely I just did.

Anyway, in the end my wife said she knows 100% she does not want a divorce and said she loves me and our family and wants to work things out, but has just felt like such a failure and worthless for her actions that she never believed that if I knew the truth that I could forgive her, move forward with her as my wife, and ultimately have full trust in her once again someday. Also uncovered were the reasonings she has had such immense problems with "true" close intimacy that comes with devotion, comittment and marriage (mostly stemming from an abused childhood), and the cycle of behavior which has haunted our marriage as well as her first marriage and all other relationships she's had throughout her life. But this was the first time she had ever openly spoke of it, and the first she has ever truly come clean with me. As I already new the truth I needed to know, nothing came as a shock to me..but it still stung like Hell. Regardless, giving herself that chance to be honest to me, and fo rme to let her know that I loved her still and I will stand by her...I don't know if I've ever seen her that happy before in our lives together. It was an amazing transformation.

Obviously there is a ton of work to be done still in our marriage and for herself through the help of our therapist, but I can honestly say I have real Hope for our future now. She promised me in session that her first order of business would be to confront Mr. Wonderful at work this week and let him know it is time for him to go away. She admitted this wouldn't be easy as they had built a bond together. I admitted that I would in turn like to disassemble his head from his shoulders, but that I would back off and be her support however she needed me to be. If her attentiveness, affection and "very passionate demeanor" towards me when we've put our son to bed is any indicator, I'd say I said and am doing the righ thing in this situation. What can I say? I'm just that kind of guy.

I still have really enchantingly nice dreams of pulverizing him though. Grrrr....

But, as I said in the beginning, I have felt at ease this weekend, much more like myself, and I have seen "that girl" again in my wife, the one I haven't seen in a long time. I always told her that if she were always honest and upfront with me, we could be happy and have a wonderful relationship, and for the first time, through the help of a miracle worker with a PhD, she may finally realize i wasn't lying myself. She may also come to trust me as a partner and not fear that I will be unavailable as her father was growing up. I don't know...it was just incredible to have my wife back this weekend. It was also amazing to feel so connected when we were together last night...it felt like "the first" time again in a sense. I finally slept well.

Our counselor is bringing us back in early this week, on Wednesday. My guess is to see if my wife follwoed through with her plan to speak to Loverboy, and to see if any further intervention in that relationship needs to take place. As they work together, I am expecting him to not take "No" for an answer, because he surely did not take my warnings seriously, and he has hi swife bamboozled into thinking I'm crazy. I hear they may even issue a restraining order against me. LOL, can you do that to someone who called you once to tell you your spouse is cheating? I even gave her definitive, undeniable proof and still she believes him. Which, whatever, that unfortuanely is her problem and I feel sorry for her and her children. I just thought the restraining order thing was comical in a sense. "QUICK, EVERYONE KILL THE NO-GOOD MESSANGER! IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!!!". Blaugh.

Restraining order against you, huh? Interesting. All in all, it would be excellent if there were no further contact, ever, between your families. I recommend starting by never contacting them again yourselves. I hope you're both able to do it.

So what drives the every 10 to 12 month cycle with your wife? I'm awfully glad your counselor was able to facilitate so much clear and honest communication between you. Now the really hard stuff starts, of course, but there is much potential for growth and change in it. Your part will be at least as hard as your wife's. Harder, potentially.

Further contact between the two of them in inevitable. I have made my wife change jobs once before because of this type of behavior, obviously to have the same monster resurface a year ltaer in a new hospital with a new person.

The issue seems to revolve (or as I interpret it thusfar) around problems maintaining close relationships and a cycle of self-destructive behavior on her part when she starts to feel too close or "trapped", like by marriage and kids and a new one coming, because she not only feels as if her partner will ultimately leave her, but that she will ultimately fail as a wife. From where I sit, that IS scary and must be absolutely horrifiying from her perspective. Again, this seems to stem back to her childhood with her father. It has only been in the last year that they have started to get close as her is terminally ill. Up until that time, she can remember him telling her he loved her once in her life (until now of course). He was also physically abusive and a strict disciplinarian in her youth...making her a mess today.

I know the road now will be hard, but at least there is a road and no longer an ocean of drowning lies in front of us. When I said "I do", I meant it, and I plan to do whatever I can to help her become who she wants to be, even if that person decides in the end that I no longer fit, it is still my commitment, promise and job.

Dante, I'm so pleased that you two had such a great session. It's fantastic to have those moments of absolute clarity, and it sounds like it's given you and her so much hope for the future. It's a long hard road you two are going to be on, and it's going to be important to be prepared for the roadbumps and be patient through them, but at least you are on that road together. Congrats!

Thank you, Mags. I am very pleased with the way things have started to go.

Today is the first day back to work for her, and the day she is to have "the talk" with her friend at work. She did say she was nervous, and that undoubtably he would be waiting in the parking structure for her..as he does every morning. That comment stung and sh didn't even know it. Oh well, gotta move on.

My concernes, obviously, are the potential for this to happen in the future. If my wife in fact doesn't seem to have control of her impulses like a normal functioning adult does (like you and I, for example), how do we identify those triggers and have communication open enough to withstand the tests of time, you know? There is only so mush I can do, provide and be as her husband, and if at the end of the day nothing I do can help her to be who she wants to be, then I am setting myself up for another emotional nuke. Scary right now to think about.

I'd also love to have a CIA bug tapping into their conversation this morning. Darn it. lol

Probably focus on the present for now. Her deciding to work on the marriage is great, but it will probably still take a significant amount of effort to break off the addiction behavior from OM. So getting over this will be the first hurdle.

And then, understandably, your concerns for the future. I guess I see myself in your wife's position, as I used to get these crushes on people - that until the latest one went further, I thought were innocent enough. Now I see that they were sort of a form of escape for me, and a self medication and a way of dealing with problems. And that they really were an accident waiting to happen.

And I think for me, what really helps with the communication is that H makes it very easy to be honest with him. He reacts very little. Not good for him, I suspect, but it helps me. I still struggle. But agreeing on honesty and then making it easy to keep to helps.
In terms of identifying triggers and so on, it's probably work your wife has to do, not you. If she were here I'd recommend her www.recoverynation.com - it's for sex addicts but much of it applies to love/romance addicts and affairs too. There is a partners section on there which you could have a look at, but I haven't looked at that bit so I don't know how helpful it will be.

As for that little jibe about controlling her impulses... we all have our areas of weakness, and degrees of weakness. You'll probably be able to understand her better if you find one of your areas and think of how you feel. Have you had any addictions? I used to rant about my H's impulse control with cigarettes until I did this thing - now I know what it's like. Do you ever eat stuff you shouldn't? Not exercise when you should (this one doesnt' sound applicable!)? Watch tv when you should be sleeping? Whatever - whatever your weakness is, whenever it is you've done something while knowing you shouldn't... that's what it's like. And stuff like this - it's not just like feeling like chocolate and knowing you shouldn't. It's like associating chocolate with feeling loved - and THEN trying to resist it. I'm not saying she shouldn't be able to do it - but that it might help to see it as a matter of degree - similar to things you struggle with but more serious. Not some crazy inability to do something that everybody else can.

Hmmm I'm rambling. I shouldn't post at 2.30am I think, it's all cottonwoolly in here. I should go sleep.