Hi, I am the new girl on the block (child of the eighties). My husband has been sending such mixed and confusing signals since he told me our marriage was over in Feb/08. It was just him and I in Alberta and my family is in BC so I moved back here for support. He was adamant that our marriage was unfixable and over. I moved to BC permanently in April/08 and he remains in Alberta. He filed for divorce in March. I had suspected an emotional affair between him and a co-worker, someone who is 15 years younger than him but who is the bosses daughter at his office. She was married for the last three years. She filed divorce at almost the same time-yes, major red flags. Husband and I have kept contact, he says he still loves me, denied affair. Found out 5 days after our 11th anny. in June that it was indeed a full blown affair, her spending nights in my old home. Found out 10 days later that he took her home to see his family in Nova Scotia. Told me the other day that he had hoped I would have been back at our house when he returned and that I needed to fight for him. I am going crazy, how would taking his girlfriend to meet his family make me want to run home to him, am I missing something?!? I am trying to be strong, perhaps stupidly, I still believe he loves me and I do love him. I have been far from the perfect partner, but this does not justify what is happening. He told me last week that he was "stepping back" from her and she has not been spending nights over, he has been calling me 2 to 3 times a day. Today he called to let me know he would be gone for the night and would call me tomorrow. Of course, he is going away for a night with her to see her sister. I calmly told him that I loved him, wanted our marriage to work and asked him to not contact me until he had ended the affair and that I would not be contacting him. He was shocked but agreed. Our home is going up for sale soon and I am feeling the urge to go there and get things organized, but am unsure about seeing him with the current situation. Help! Thank you, hope you were able to follow this rant!

Good Morning Gaylene,

I am terribly sorry for the circumstances that brought you here to our village at SYMC.

First of all, i want to say BRAVA for calmly telling your husband that you love him and want your marriage to work, then told him that NC (no contact) until he ended the affair.

OK
a few questions to help us better understand your situation
how old are you and your husband?
How long have you been married?
are there any children involved?
is this either of your first marriage, or second or?

There are a few Villagers from the Canadian Provinces, but for the most part, the bulk of us are in the US. So, I personally will not claim to understand the separation/divorce laws where you and your husband are.

We often suggest that if a person does not want a divorce, do not sign the papers and do not cooperate with it's proceeding. The possibility of that being a viable way to stop a divorce even if on paper varies from state to state here in the US. SO, if that is a possibility for you, I would suggest it strongly.

Are either you and your husband in counseling/therapy?
I would suggest you find a source of counsel to help you work on your inner strength and emotional/mental well being thru all of this.

Gaylene, I would also suggest that you read read read as much as you can here at SYMC. Get your self educated so that you can better understand what it is you are dealing with. Knowledge is power. A good place to start is Get Started Here

It can be rather quiet here at SYMC over the weekends, so patience. I am sure others will be around to ask questions and offer suggestions thru the weekend but more so as the workweek progresses. I am around all weekend and will pop i as often as I can to check on you.


BTW
your name
it is one i have not heard in a very long time
it is lovely

hugs to you Gaylene

Hypatia

Hi Gaylene - welcome to symc. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this.

Why is your house for sale? And what happens when it sells?

Does your h's boss know he's having an affair with his D?

What's your strategy for maintaining no contact -- I can pretty much guarantee that his attempts to contact you are not going to decrease!

You didn't mention children. Do you have any?

Who have you told about the affair? Do you have my ebook? The link to order it is in my sig line. It's $16. If that's a problem in any way let me know and I'll send it to you free.



P

Hello, Thank you so much for your responses. My husband and I just had our 11th anniversary on June 13th. We met in Sept/96 and got engaged on my 25th birthday in Mar/97, married by June/97-just really connected. I am 36 and he will be 44 in December. We were unable to have children, have two dogs-we each have one. This is the first and only marriage for both of us. My husband's bosses (the girlfriend's parents) are very much aware of the affair, they have not been discreet and all work in the family business together (water sales). They have supported the affair maintaining they want both of them to be happy and participate in family functions together. He was at her sister's this weekend. Their daughter is 29, bi-sexual, recently separated from her husband. As far as the no contact, I have removed and blocked text-messaging on my cell phone and no longer have voice mail on it. I have also put a block on his e-mail address. I have my home phone line where he could still contact me but have call display so I can avoid the call. In Canada you can file for divorce under 3 catagories-Adultery, Abuse, or after 1 year separation. I have not signed anything as I do not want to take this step. My husband has admitted that he reacted without thinking and does not want to divorce. I am in therapy dealing with all this. He has seen a counsellor once and does not feel he needs to go back. Since we are now living in different provinces, the house is being sold to pay down debt and possibly be a jumping off point to either work on or end our marriage. His choice this past weekend to go away with the girlfriend only shows me he is scared. If he breaks up with her, will he lose his job that he has had for 9 years? I have been clear that I will not be going near the province again and that if he is serious he needs to quit his job anyway and get his butt into my home. Still, so disrespectful to me. This is why I told him no contact. Both of our families know of the affair (the girl met his family a few weeks ago in Nova Scotia, something he promised not to do) and I have asked for his family's support in helping us rebuild our marriage and to not keep contact with the girlfriend in anyway. Again, they just want him to be happy although know he loves me and misses me. I do not have the book, am counting pennies these days as I am not working yet. Stress has been unbelievable and am in a flare-up with my lupus. Just working at taking care of me each day and wondering if I am right to believe him at all anymore and scared that by not contacting him he will leave for good. Am I crazy to hold onto hope in a future with him or am I being delusional? Look forward to your replies. Thank you, Gaylene

Good Morning Gaylene

quote:

Stress has been unbelievable and am in a flare-up with my lupus.

oooo sweety
great big hugs from someone who understands this one all too well.
I have Fibromyalgia as well as a bunch of other chronic "stuff"

STRESS!!!!!
ooooooooo stress and flare ups, just when you need to be on the ball and at your best, then POW!!!!!
I get insane fatigue, so bad it hurts, and then outlandishly weak, as if my body were dead weight.


Heart Meditation and worksheets

self nurturing activities

I am going to go back and read thoroughly the rest of your post, but wanted to first share a hug on account of the lupus.

more hugs Gaylene

Hypatia