I am a capable, strong, independent woman who knows what is going on around her. I am capable of making my own decisions, having my own opinion, and I am in charge of my life. I decide what it looks and feels like. I decide how I view myself and others. I will not be placed into a small box by anyone, including myself. X has no power over me anymore. In fact, all the power he ever had over me is only because I freely gave it over to him. No more. Just because I did it for almost 20 years of my 35 year-old-life, does not mean that it is required or necessary.

GASP!!!!

Wednesday night me and a girlfriend went and had dinner and a movie. Which ended up being some good sushi, and an independent flick. I had a blast.

Yesterday morning me and another girlfriend drove up to her uncle's business in an adjacent town. He runs a private-pay home for high-risk youth ~ all from privileged families (whereas the guys I work with all come from poor families and are on Medicaid).

It was an impressive facility, to say the very least. And I love hanging out with my girlfriends. Then we went out to lunch at the neatest place, then went running. We both agreed that the order we did these two things might not have been the smartest. I did do 3 miles in 32 minutes, though. Usually, I am pretty consistent at 12 minute miles, but yesterday I was under 11! That's a big difference for me.

We had long talks about lots of stuff. She is trying to tell me how people meet, what most people look at and such. I seem to be in a very anti-looks place at the moment. I do not want someone choosing me because of the way I look on the outside. I think this is because of a couple reasons. First, because I was married so young, I was paranoid that I would cheat. I think external stuff always just was avoided by me.

Second, I was heavy, very heavy, for a long time. I was practically invisible to the waiter, the cute guy at the bar, the guy ahead of me letting the door shut on me ~ stuff like that. I got used to that. Once people got to know me, it seemed like all that went away. But people just looking at me from the outside made snap-decisions.

So now, when I get that extra attention and flirting from the waiter, the cute guy at the bar, and when men hold the door for (IMO) an uncomfortably long period of time for me to get through it (like, I'm too far away and feel rushed because they are being nice) ~ well, it all seems fake to me. Not much has changed on the inside for me, so why now that my outside has changed so much do people (and it is women, too, although usually in a negative way) treat me so much differently? My mind says, "Because they are superficial!!!"

My friend I was talking to yesterday has never experienced this. She is 23 and gorgeous and smart and funny. She is a wonderful little package of wonderfulness.

And she had her own opinions on the subject. She says that it is natural to some extent look at someone's outside package, how they present themselves to the world. I can understand this. I do not look the way I do for anyone else. I look the way I do because when I do, I feel good about ME, I do it for ME. And it does make me feel more powerful in the world when I know that I look my best. I can do what I need to do in those moments, and not be distracted by what I'm wearing, how I might be perceived. To a large extent, I function better in this world when I look my best, because then that isn't a distraction for me.

Yesterday my friend said, "Spidey, you are beautiful. I don't know how you see yourself, but you look great." I told her that I really do not know how I see myself. My image of myself is very distorted (and I told her I would journal about this and think about this until I could get a better handle on it ~ lucky you...). I remember when I was young, before X. I did not want a BF, I was promiscuous. I just wanted to have fun; or what I considered fun at that time. And I did use my looks in that manner, to get someone's attention. I used what I had in that way to get what I wanted. Now, though, that thinking is not appealing.

My friend also said she got from me that I believe I am going to have to settle for a man who is not handsome, because of the way I feel about myself. It is human nature to be attracted to others that we perceive as being close to our equal in big areas ~ socio-economic, religious, physical beauty. Perhaps my challenge is understanding which of these categories I am in. Or maybe it is to not care which of these categories I am in. I hate being squashed into a category, for crying-out-loud.

A side note before I go on about what I've been thinking/feeling about X lately...

I know I am in my head a lot. I have been told this by many people. However, I have had a LOT of big changes in my life in the past 4 years. I was a stay-at-home-mom, working side jobs that fit into my schedule with my kids. My life was centered around X and kids, cleaning my home, planning meals, buying groceries, appointments and sports and Scouts.

Now, I work 32 hours a week, I go to school full-time, I buy groceries piece-meal (usually when we run out of milk), meals are planned as I'm driving to the store, X and I split the appointments, I only go to sports when I'm not working, and Scouts are no longer...

My head spins with how different my life is. My old life and my current life. None of my clothes are the same. It is the weirdest thing! So, I think it is OK that I am in my head a lot. I have a lot to figure out. Lots and lots and lots.

Well, I best get workin'. The guys are waking up and beginning to ask me for stuff. Chat later.

Spidey

quote:

So, I think it is OK that I am in my head a lot.

Not a darn thing wrong with that! I was thinking today when I got home from work and the house is a mess and laundry is piled up and I was outside shoveling horse poop and feeding and watering and looking at the mess this place is like always after winter and wondering when I'm going to fit it all in cleaning up the outside. That is so unlike me to have my house a mess inside...then I realized, I'm playing two roles here...well four actually. Mom, Dad, inside chore person and outside chore person. Sub teaching while still maintaining Daisy's, dance, church and now this 6 hour a week commitment to this other church to handle their announcements and prayer list and calls. I spend a lot of time in my head these days as well. Now I need to ponder Gracie just asking me if we could move to Texas and be cowgirls...SURE..why not?

Dinner...what the heck is dinner? Cooking? Not much anymore. It's strange sitting at the table. It is getting better though. Gracie took over her dad's spot. But mostly we eat on the run or sitting together in the living room. It's easier then filling that missing person family dinner spot right now in the dining room. Not as painful.
Speaking of which, it's time to get downstairs and get at it. I need a maid.

quote:

That is so unlike me to have my house a mess inside...

I know. I have had to adopt a different set of standards for myself, so I didn't drive me and my kids crazy trying to keep up my home the way it used to be kept up when it was my #1 job...now, it's my #43 job...

quote:

It's easier then filling that missing person family dinner spot right now in the dining room. Not as painful.

Oh my gosh, do I identify with that. We have done all kinds of things to avoid that and deal with that. It used to be a gaping hole, but now it is just a soft reminder...not too bad.

I got triggered the other day. This was the X issue I was going to post about yesterday but got too busy at work. He mentioned in an email a few weeks ago that he was going to take off out of town this weekend. Unsolicited information. Then as I was running with my girlfriend the other day, I saw his van out front before 3 pm. I ASSumed he was packing. Then I saw it again early Friday (I know, Don't Look Spidey!!!). He used to do this ~ go with CW in her car...you know, while we were still married....

Brought it all back just that fast, exactly how it felt over a year ago, like I'd been kicked in the gut. Took my breath away.

I woke up off the couch last night, DS15 did not leave me behind, and as I was climbing into bed, my mind latched onto this thought/feeling again. So I laid there struggling with it, trying to get a different perspective that didn't hurt as bad. Then as soon as I awoke this morning, same deal. What kills me is that I do not want him! I don't even want the R, but I cannot get over that he left us all behind. The family campouts, dinners, holidays, everything he said made his life worth living, that gave it meaning.

All so he can go on weekend trips with other women, to spend the occasional night with another woman. It still just blows my mind. How someone can say one thing for years and years, then suddenly change.

In all fairness, what are his choices though? He honestly must know that I am not going to ever take him back. He has no courage, with me or his boys. He is not going to suddenly become some person that he is not capable of being. And what is left right now will not work for me.

I am going to go for a run, then do some yard work, go to a movie with my boys, and possibly start on my paper that is due Monday night in class. ;-) I'll see how I feel after all that.

quote:

but I cannot get over that he left us all behind. The family campouts, dinners, holidays, everything he said made his life worth living, that gave it meaning

ummm hmmmm...exactly. I can't wrap my mind around that at all. Not in any way and I really don't think I ever will be able to. I'll never understand how someone can say things to another person and then just walk away as if it was never said. Like you said, how they can say one thing for years and then BAM...it's gone. I don't get it.

Gracie is outside boo hooing...she was trying to fly a kite he got her, one of those little plastic jobs that break if you look at them...and it did and there are tears. Not much I can do about it.

Yard work...oh there is so much of that to do here. I'll have to try and get on it next weekend if it warms up and is not raining. Much to do. I'm going to go get some dirt and starter boxes and turn my dining room table into a greenhouse. That takes care of the sitting at the table issue!!! I have some things I want to grow since there won't be much money for flowers this year.

Hey Sweety,
How are you and the boys this lovely Sunday?
sending you all some heart felt hugs


xo
Hypatia

quote:

I'll never understand how someone can say things to another person and then just walk away as if it was never said. Like you said, how they can say one thing for years and then BAM...it's gone. I don't get it.

I know. What is ridiculous in my case, Sandy, is that I do not even want this guy back. That is how messed up my mind feels. Like, I want an answer, but it wouldn't make one lick of difference for me. Maybe it's as simple as me wanting to solve a puzzle. Who knows. What I do know, is that it will pass soon. My life is getting ready to change again. I graduate on May 17th, and I am thinking I will get a different job. Maybe starting this summer, depending on the hours I'm offered. Everything I do is still for my boys, and I do not want them stranded all summer with nothing to do. I want to play with them!

quote:

How are you and the boys this lovely Sunday?

I woke up cold! And sacrificed myself for the greater good and went and flicked the circuit breaker in the garage for HEAT. Good grief. Yesterday morning I noticed it was cold in the house and thought maybe I'd turned off the heat the day before and forgotten to turn it back on...nope. It was on the regular temp, on auto, but no nothing. I called the furnace people. The guy talked me through flicking the breaker and the thing started right back up. Made me nervous, but oh well, at least it still works...

This morning I woke up to the same thing. Hmmm, something is definitely wrong. Better not interfere with our pool table purchase in May, that is for sure. We might all just buy electric blankets and tough it out...

Other than that, though, it is going well. I feel like I am pulling out of my funk. I am doing to an alternative health fair this morning with my girlfriend. Then my boys can play their new video game unhindered by Me. I have become chopped liver since its purchase Friday afternoon.

I am focusing on my exercise, I started a new puzzle, and when all that fails me there is a yard that is in much need of TLC. Really, that's most of it. It has been neglected for a couple years, the back yard for more than that. But it is going to get my undivided attention this year. Poor thang...

I hope everyone has a fantastic Sunday!

Hey, well, I took a sick day today. I am sick of being at my work lately. *sigh* The guys I work with just seem to want to manipulate everything to get what they want, not work their treatment or anything. They are all there because they have harmed someone else...and they are concerned with listening to inappropriate CDs...Likewise, my co-staffs do much of the same, one in particular. Makes me feel like I am fighting an uphill battle and getting nowhere except exhausted and discouraged.

So, I called around last night and found a replacement. I am going to spend the day writing a paper for school, doing my toenails maybe, perhaps a nap, exercise...I bought my 6-month detox kit, so I can start that this morning, too. Hey, I do spring cleaning inside and out! ;-)

Me and my girlfriend went to an alternative wellness fair last night. Again the Universe raised the question to me: Do you deserve to have what you want in your life? Everything you want in your life?

I know the Universe knows I deserve to have whatever it is that I want. But do I believe that I deserve to have Everything...

I finished my "Eat Pray Love" book this morning. At the very end, she talks about what the Zen Buddhists believe about an acorn, about two things required for an oak tree to grow. First, there is the acorn, the seed from which everything in the tree develops from. But the second is more hidden: it is the inherent knowledge of the oak tree, the grown oak tree, of what it will one day be.

"But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well - the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born."

Definitely answers the chicken-or-the-egg question!

The author applies this Zen acorn business to herself. Perhaps it was the older, wiser, more balanced her that pulled the younger, scared, hurting self forward all those years she endured pain and suffering. Maybe the peaceful older author was the force that pulled the younger hurting author through all her hard times, shaping her life to become what her older self had already actualized.

Of course this view fits right in with my philosophical view of life, not my scientific view. In this scenario, time does not necessarily flow in a linear, one-way direction. Ultimately, though, my current world-view and belief system does not flow in a linear, one-way direction.

What I find most interesting is that I was having thoughts similar to the author's yesterday, as my girlfriend and I were leaving the fair. In a linear way, X dumped me and ruined my life plans. In a non-linear way, he moved out of the way in order for me to develop into a mature, wise, peaceful individual (I simply have not arrived at that place yet...). In a few ways, my life is still not settled in ways that I want it to be. Much of my...dissatisfaction right now I think stems from my constant motion. I think as human beings we all crave some type of comfort, some type of predictable. My life hasn't stayed the same long enough for me to find that spot to rest yet. It was the X thing for 4 years, then the separation, then the roomie, all the while school and my work life developing and changing with my personal life fluctuations...

On my own since January now, I am facing graduation from one program, entrance into another, and most likely a job change to boot. Meanwhile, friends have been cycling in and out of my life according to my energy level, my vibrational energy level, my willingness to only accept those into my life who support me and honor me ~ the way I honor and support them.

Yesterday, I could foresee a day, not too far distant, where I was settled. Perhaps finding a satisfying personal relationship of closeness that I can count on, whether friendship only or friendship plus romance; finding a comfort and balance of sameness in my days and nights; being settled into a job that is more suitable to my needs...

And from that place, being able to look back and realize so clearly and simply that it all had to happen just as it did, for me to get to that place. Not one uncomfortable or painful day could have been skipped. Not one lesson could have been left out for me to complete my journey to the next level.

Reading that this morning, after just having the same thoughts yesterday (minus the acorn, of course) goes a long way for me.

I was also reminded yesterday to embrace my sadness, my chaos, my...dissatisfaction. What is the alternative? Resist and suffer? I am where I am. I could be here for another day, another week, another year or more. I might as well embrace it, find the humor in it, be grateful for it.

And know that I deserve whatever it is I want. Being clear on what I want is the key, IMO. I want a home that is fun to be in. I want my kids around me as much as possible. I want my friends around me as much as possible. I want to enjoy my education and my work. Quite simply, I want it all, and I deserve to have everything that I want. We all do.

I am feeling much better. I got a couple hostile-sounding emails from X yesterday. I thought we were going for open honest communication, but he resorted to sarcasm and closed-channel. This on the heels of my last email from him, in which he stated he is practicing saying nice things to people. What a joke. Or maybe he thinks being nice to "people" does not apply to the X spouse.

I was thinking about that yesterday, how his story changes so often about everything. Which is why I cannot pin him down on anything. What does he have to ground him? His closest friend might be his second A partner, and from what I can tell they maybe talk an hour or two each week, maybe do a couple lunches. He isn't close with anyone else. His mother calls him a "loner."

I have managed to stay grounded. I think journaling here has helped. Whenever I start veering too far away from where I want to go, I have all of you here going, "Whoa, Spidey, where you racing off to? What up?"

*just on a side note, there is a female duck that REALLY wants to do something in my yard. And part of me thinks it is to lay her eggs. She is looking at me right now, through my chain-link fence. Yesterday she actually flew over the fence and paraded around my back yard. Uh oh, a kitty is stalking her. She flew away. What the crap is that little kitty going to do with a whole duck??? Probably get its *ss kicked...*

My head was not just in X's business yesterday, but CW's as well. And I thought, "Now isn't that interesting, Spidey. What might you be avoiding in your own life that thinking of them is distracting you from...."

Brought me back to earth pretty quick. I am thinking about several things I want to do around my home before I have my graduation party here on May 17th. If anyone has a burning desire to visit Idaho, that would be the day to do it!!! Even if I don't have my yard and garden looking the exact way I want it, I at least need it all cleaned up. DS16 and myself will work on the fire pit. DS15 needs to clean his room. And I need to get our pool table bought. I would also like to get some paint touched up in the boys' bathroom.

I guess that is it, as far as the "musts" go. Not too bad! With over 6 weeks to do it in.

So, when my mind wanders, I have plenty to do to keep myself occupied! I'm looking at leaves that need to be raked up right now, for heaven's sake.

Hope everyone has a fantastic Tuesday!!!

Spidey

quote:

I graduate in MAY!!!! I know I've told everyone, but holy sh*t (don't tell Mom I just said that, hee hee) I cannot believe I have done it!!!

You are such and awesome woman. I think it is just great what you have managed to do. I want pics of the PARTY!!! We are all really proud of you Spidey.

quote:

You are such and awesome woman.

Thank you! So are you, Sandy. I hope I get to meet you in person some day (minus tree frogs, and other creepy-crawlies, of course...).

quote:

I want pics of the PARTY!!!

Oh heavens. I might have to put someone else in charge of all that!

quote:

We are all really proud of you Spidey.

Again, thank you so much. I feel a special kinship with all of you here, because only you all understand what it has been like for me to go to school full-time, work almost full-time, put my kids first, keep up my home, plus work on ME ~ all while going through a separation, a divorce, and the aftermath of all of that. It is a huge accomplishment, the import of which is only now hitting me. Thank you all for acknowledging what you observe and what you know. It means more to me than any of you will ever know. Others say they know, but they cannot unless they have lived the emotional devastation that we all have passed through. And overcome. :-)

I am feeling very good lately. Sad at times, and that sucks, but my highs are getting higher again and for longer periods of time. I am at work until 11 pm tonight (this is my long day, 16 hours, ugh), and I am looking forward to getting home, washing my face, changing into my sweats, getting my laundry all squared-away from the last week of craziness, and sitting down and falling asleep to a movie I got through my new Netflix subscription. Imagine, a movie just sitting there waiting for me in my mailbox! I don't have to pick it up, remember to drop it off, or anything. All for what I was paying in 1 1/2 movie trips to the video store. Unlimited!!! And I sought it all out by myself (well, DS16 helped me, but no other "adult"), subscribed, and everything. I love creating all things now.

My next thing to create that I've been putting off is tanning. My cousin that I went out to dinner with last night works at a place, and I've been putting it off. I know, skin cancer. But, I want my new tummy to be tanned ~ I wanna see it. :-) Very much. And I think focusing on stuff like that for myself helps me take care of myself (vitamins, exercise, etc.).

And of course yard work, and that pesky Analytic Philosophy test Monday night...

Hey Doll,
You have accomplished so much
and you should be very proud of your self
who would have ever thought that something so beautiful could have come from so much devastation.
pretty cool, isn't it?
can you imagine a year ago that you would ever thought that you would be where you are today?
another cool thing, Spider

Yup Honey
you are one b!tchin babe
you keep on keepin' on

love and hugs to you
Hypatia

"hello, it's me"...(song fragment)

I'm into songs recently, the feelings they evoke...the memories...some of them I hum, trying to catch the "fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye -- I turned to look and it was gone, I could not put my finger on it now"

yup -- that captures it exactly...that fleeting glimpse or sense of emotion...hard to grab onto, it is ethereal and passes quickly...and yet it is there...tangible/intangible...felt but not wholly understood...

wow -- mystery of life!

one funny comment to you Spidey -- I journalled a lot here almost a month ago, and then life intervened and I couldn't come back for a while. But something so interesting (from my perspective... ) happened in the intervening time...I took what I'd journalled here and talked about it in real life...the musings, and what I'd uncovered during my ramblings.

I wish I could tell you what I learned from this experiment but it is gone, I cannot put my finger on it now...

true story...

no worries -- if I post long posts apparently about someone else, they are equally my time and my life...

to me, "help" is a mutual, non-linear state of being...if I "help" others in conversation and coaching, I help myself...if I assist others in negotiating conflict, I assist myself...may not be linear, certainly meets need of self, in some way...

otherwise, "helping" is more about control, which doesn't help but hinders and obfuscates even further...I guess I rambled endlessly last time on this theme so will therefore confine myself to a few words of judgement this time...harumph!!!

my latest and greatest judgement from the world's greatest judger! (I need SO much help on disrespectful judgements, so I keep on helping others until I learn...)

someone asked me the other day when I was going to retire...I just looked at them in shock and thought "retire"??? I haven't figured out what I need to learn yet!

but I think they meant "work"...

quote:

My boss's nephew died recently. I recognized my grief in her eyes, and I think she wanted me to do or say something to ease it. But I knew intuitively that only time and living through it would ease her grief. I held her, I listened to her, and I left her alone with it. It hurts so badly, we want someone to magically take it away, or part of it at least. But nobody can. But we try! But we cannot do it. I gave up the trying part.

quote:

"Surely, my life could not have gone any other direction than the one it has (duh), because look at all the good that was born of the ashes."

I was SO struck when I read this, that I had to stop and start a reply, even though I haven't finished reading yet...

you commented on the few words I used before as being "interesting" -- let's see what you make of the following observation (summary of changes -- a little longer than a few words this time):

- you had a married life that was pretty "normal": married, 2 kids, working hard

- you found out your H was having an A with your BF and your "normal" life was devastated completely

- since then you've made major decisions about your mom, D'd your H, found new friends (multiple new friends), have a new career path (that if I remember correctly, is a rather startling departure from your old career)

- you have gone to school, learned, and are now headed to graduate school in a profession that you find fascinating

- you have work in the field and are learning a LOT in that chosen field, through many avenues available to EVERYONE for learning (although not all choose this multiple learning path)

- you have healthy, happy children, and you are successfully co-parenting with your X

quote:

Oh awed. You know those stories about people who are successful personally, very happy and content. And they tell you the stories of how they got to where they are, and it is not the story you think you were going to hear.

quote:

I want a fantastic R with a great guy

...and now after the brick, the bat...

actually, I get that wrong all the time -- after the bat, the bat...no no no...bouquet, then bat...

ahem...Spidey? yes, stuff with your H (peeked ahead on the thread), stuff to say...sure, well whatever...not my thing, those neat packages...I move AWAY from control, not towards it...life isn't so "neat" in my eyes, but it's part of my changling nature to be different than whatever group I'm with...

so I will challenge based on what I see -- it gave me pause when you made an earlier reference in the thread, so now that you've repeated the sentiments, I'll pull it out into the strong sunlight and have a closer look...

quote:

I want a fantastic R with a great guy

ugg, Spidey says, hush up awed -- go away and let me have my new relationship...

well, it's not the relationship per se Spidey...I predict lots and try to avoid doing so (for the same reasons you have stopped trying to take away someone else's pain)...but for the purposes of this discussion, let's assume you WILL have a healthy, satisfying R in future...

look at your expectations -- are you listening to yourself the way that I am? what are you hearing? don't change the words now that they are out there -- really listen to what they are saying to you...what's up?

oh geez, I could probably go on for an hour now! but the sun is shining and this is my first real day off in a month, so I won't...

I will leave this for you to ponder:

in circling the pit, we endlessly look for distraction -- ooh, pretty shiny thing, no harm in that!!!!!!!

nope, no harm at all...it IS literally, pretty, and shiny, and not harmful...it is a distraction though...

and NO, I am not suggesting that men are distractions (are they? apparently they have it all over us vis-a-vis routines, but I digress... )

the point is the "other" IS distraction (good, bad or indifferent) -- when we go there, even in our mind, we are avoiding self in some way...in your comment about the other ("a great guy") I see YOU clearly reflected...YOU see him, I see YOU...

sigh...too bald? not subtle enough? or merely confusing???

what's a "great" guy Spidey? your judgement about "bad" guys will likely continue to steer you in a direction that you apparently are wanting to move away from...

the spiral...

awed

P.S. I also saw a return to judgement about X that corresponds...why he was wrong, and the badness of your judgement...all of a piece...the spiral...

P.P.S. really and truly haven't read on...you may have already had some wonderful insights...but I gotta go spend some day time on life, instead of some wee dark quiet hours with my computer!

I'll be back...

oh gosh, then in posting my reply, I see this quote from you on page 14:

quote:

I know. What is ridiculous in my case, Sandy, is that I do not even want this guy back. That is how messed up my mind feels.

OK, then double to what I'd just posted -- this is about YOU Spidey...not him...

honey -- I'd only read up to the middle of page 13 when I posted...I haven't read whatever triggered the quote above...

however interactions with X, musings about X, being "done" with X -- this is still all about you...what are you saying about yourself?

well, nuff from me...I am not using enough in my conversations, and I'd prefer to chat rather than post one-off monologues...

so if'n you want to chat and have the time, I am now back into normal work mode again now that year-end madness has abated...

we don't have to talk about this -- HIM -- unless you want to...perhaps I have a different perspective about HIM and that might be helpful...

hmmm...another thread comes to mind...

awed (still not enjoying sunshine!)

quote:

that fleeting glimpse or sense of emotion...hard to grab onto, it is ethereal and passes quickly...and yet it is there...tangible/intangible...felt but not wholly understood...

Oh awed, what a happy day to see you here this morning! I wanted to reply with a witty song snippet of my own, but I haven't had any coffee yet. In my state of not-having-woken-up-yet, I also could not figure out how far you'd gotten on page 13, or all the way over here on 14, or what.

I have been seeing an IC for the past month that focuses on emotion-based therapy. I also started reading a book about the subject and attachment theory at work on Friday, and I have to say my interest is peaked. I will share with you what little I know, so please don't take anything I say about it to the bank just yet. Very immature understanding thus far.

When in session, this guy guides me down into my strongest emotions, which right now are grief. Grief over what my life could have been, family-centered, camping, soccer games, sit-down dinner each night, clean house... And reconciling that with what my life is right now (with the accompanying what-my-life-is-not-right-now). Even more than that, this grief feeling about X and what path our lives could have taken, is the SAME FEELING regarding my mother and what could have been if her life had gone differently. I was all geared up to go to medical school. I wanted to be a pediatrician. All my high school was in that direction: AP biology, accelerated math, chemistry, English, I took 3 years of Latin! I was even naturally born with horrible handwriting.

If my mother had stayed healthy, if she'd been able to find someone as quality as her to be with, or healed herself so she didn't need to be in unhealthy relationships. I am oversimplifying it all, but that is the gist of where my mind goes in my grief.

Well, interesting how accurately that mirrors my grief with X. And where my mind tends to go.

Which ties right in to what you are saying about distractions. It is habitual thinking for me. If I think about something besides Me, I am distracted. When I focus on X and what he's doing, when I focus on some mystery R-person I haven't even met ~ both are the same thing.

The last time I went through a bought of X-focusing, during Spring Break, I finally asked myself the question: "Spidey, what are you not wanting to deal with in your life that you are focusing elsewhere...?" Answer: A philosophy paper that I didn't want to write. Something going on in my own life that I didn't want to deal with, didn't want to think about.

So, back to this grief, emotion-based therapy thing. I closed off my grief, because I didn't want to get lost in it, drown in it (my visual in my head of my grief is a very swollen, fast-moving, muddy, tree-strewn raging river that has overflowed its banks and is sweeping everything downstream. Unknown depth, unknown how long it will go on, or if it will even continue to grow...). And very well-meaning people in my life are like, "Move on, it's over, find someone knew, blah blah." It is so natural for people to not want to see or deal with grief, like I said in my last post.

But a year later, that grief river is just as strong and powerful and scary as a year ago. In fact, it hasn't changed at all, but I have developed more coping skills to keep it at bay, to keep it shut off and moved away. I have developed skills to crawl out as soon as my foot hits the water. Often it is days or maybe weeks before I can get much further away from it that just my one foot still dangling in it ~ a sort-of desperate clinging to ground, feeling like I'm about to be swallowed...

In fact, my IC has a hard time sometimes getting me to go into it, because after a very short time (like, 2 or 3 minutes) I am using my coping skills to pull myself out. With a little smile he shows me this, and I go back in. I feel like I have already been transformed. Emotions are very powerful, they are there for a reason, not to handicap us. Yet often they do. They are messy and they are what they are, maybe not what we want to "have to deal with" in that moment. And our society teaches us that if we cannot change the situation that our emotions seem to be attached to (maybe they are, maybe they are not), that we need to just shut down and move on to the next situation and hope for better luck...

The theory, from what I can tell, behind this emotion-based therapy is that by experiencing these emotions, raw grief and pain and hurt, that these emotions can and will change. Not radically (but maybe, I don't know), but change. At this point, if my grief river simply became a "normal" river that has not overflowed its banks and is all brown and angry and full of trees. If it became a river going through a normal season of high and low water, that would be a huge change. I am not afraid of that kind of river ~ I am cautiously respectful, but not terrified as I am of what my grief is right now.

As with everything, we use what we know. My mechanism for pulling myself out of this river of grief is to focus purposefully on all the benefits that have come about by my life changes, even though sometimes I feel these changes were forced upon me. When I use these focused thoughts to bring myself out of the grief for fear, early in my sessions, they seem weak and like I am "rationalizing" my way, intellectually. Yet, when I focus on my life wholly, after coming out of the grief, my observations reflect back my strength and resiliency, my courage and my passion for life. These are my beliefs, and they are powerful. This IC allows me to see the difference.

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to me, "help" is a mutual, non-linear state of being...if I "help" others in conversation and coaching, I help myself...if I assist others in negotiating conflict, I assist myself...may not be linear, certainly meets need of self, in some way...

This is how I feel as well. I can tell when I am in healthy places, because my focus on the boards seems to be on others, rather than on myself. Yet, intuitively, I know that my focus on others is my most sacred way of focusing on myself, the truest to me, the most powerful. And when I am there I celebrate it, and when I am not, I am not. I am working on the judgment of myself and others.

Speaking of judgment...I do not want to make anyone wrong so that I may be right. I am finding recently that I am thinking of X differently. I have known that he is not stable mentally for a long time. Physiologically, I believe mental illness runs in his family, strong in his mother and father, and both sets of grandparents. The full import of this is just now coming to light for me. For so long now, this issue has seemed to be about me and my shortcomings, or X and his character flaws. I have noticed a tendency within myself, which is also my gift I think, to focus exclusively on the best in another. Like, exclusively. My eyes are not wide open, I am not in each moment as it is happening and making my decisions from there. I am live in a wonderland of another's "best." Yet interestingly, I have equally as hard a time living in a wonderland of my "best" I just now realized. Well, isn't that interesting, awed. Hmmmmm....

Why this seems important to me, is because in some amateur way, I feel I need to put a "reality" picture on what happened. When I was finally able to do that with my mother, it helped me deal with the situation as it currently is: her in a nursing home, not remembering my kids' names, sometimes not recognizing me, etc. Still my grief was there, not healed, not explored, but my daily acceptance of that reality was greatly increased. For me it is a several-step process, and perhaps I am not making it clear. Or perhaps I am. ;-)

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the point is the "other" IS distraction (good, bad or indifferent) -- when we go there, even in our mind, we are avoiding self in some way...in your comment about the other ("a great guy") I see YOU clearly reflected...YOU see him, I see YOU...

I understand. I have noticed this recently, too. Even my "focus" on not focusing on men (i.e., chaste-for-a-year) is a distraction, a shiny little bauble for me to "oooh" and "awww" over. And while I'm doing that...I'm distracted. Not as completely as if I were trying out a new R, for sure. That kind of distraction is all-encompassing, or it seems that way to me now from where I currently am.

ANYway, where I stand as of this morning and 1 cup of coffee down so far ~ what I mean by a fantastic R with a great guy, is that I am willing to wait. I could have distractions now, I could have a R based on need-for-distraction right now if I so chose...I have noticed, now that I am paying attention to what IS, not just someone's Best, that many many R's around me are based on mutual-distraction. I can see people who are not happy in these R's (I can recognize it in them because I have lived it myself and I know what it looks like), yet they cling to them as if for dear life. Just as I did.

I am learning how to go into the scariest, most painful part of myself and get back out again at will. Well, I am still learning. So it is not so willful yet. BUT, my point is that the more I do this, the more confidence I get about living through this all on my own, the less and less focus I seem to give the shiny things that flash out at me from the scenery of my life. And this is all a process, all relative, but I have to be able to see it to get there, right? I feel like I am to the "seeing it" part.

While down in my grief, I was able to be sure about something that you I'm sure have known all along (heck, I have known it all along...) ~ I still love X. And at the same time, I understand that I cannot be with him, that he is not good for me in my life right now and very possibly never will be good for me in my life. He was good for me at certain times. That is the path I mourn, what could have been if different decisions had been made, on both parts. But now the way he is, the way I am, he cannot be in my life. All I can handle of it is what I do handle for the wellbeing of my precious boys, the lights of my life.

I have acknowledged my grief about loving someone I cannot be with. Much the same as loving the woman who is my mother. Both are lost to me as I want them to be ~ healthy, whole, involved in my life. This is all perspective, about me, coming from my POV only. Coming to terms with the fact that this is how my R's are with the two who are supposed to be closest to me.

And all the accompanying questions: "How? Why? What happened?"

And me, because of how I am made, finding my own answers to these questions in my current moments. Knowing that these answers will change over time, reflecting my healing, my growth, the look-and-feel of my present reality.

Yes, oftentimes I want to distract the h*ll out of myself in order to not deal with these incessant questions, the sadness, the "what could have been's"...

And my redirection back to self, back to Me. What an opportunity for me, in my chosen profession, to not just heal myself, but also to be a guide for others on a myriad of paths.

I am also getting very interested in attachment theory. My mother, career-driven, was back to work when I was just 2 or 3 weeks old (that woman was Queen of Distraction, me thinks!). My primary caregivers were my grandma and one of my mother's 5 sisters, we'll call her Aunt Lulu (her nickname, not a comment on her mental status, hee hee). On my birthday when I turned 7 we moved 300 miles away from my family, my aunts and uncles and cousins that I spent every day with ~ to the city I stayed the rest of my youth in. We knew not one person. I believe my mother was running from her 3rd husband, the most violent and alcoholic of the 5 she had. This began a very lonely time of my life. All alone, after school, every summer, my mother even more career-driven, left alone with boyfriend's kids and step-brothers.

Going from that to attaching to X when my mother was going downhill with her illness, fearful of the 5th husband's attention to me...I had been warned of, and seen, that type of attention before...

Until I can form a healthy attachment with MYSELF, I certainly cannot do it with someone else. I am getting to know me, relying on me, finding my constancy and strength...I am not a little girl anymore (well, part of me is, I love Pink's song, "Conversations with My 13 Year Old Self). I have power in my own life now. I am a creator, not an innocent bystander. It is a retraining of my mind, of my heart. So much of what I battle is, I believe, nothing more than habitual thinking. "Think outside the box" means a whole lot to me. It means thinking outside of MY box, the box I tend to put myself in. It is not needed anymore.

We are social creatures. We crave relationships. I crave relationships. I am taking conditions off of those, slowly. I am looking for all kinds of relationships. A shopping partner, a dancing partner, a partner to share my philosophy ideas with, a partner to share my psychology ideas with, a partner who can understand both, a partner to go hiking with, backpacking and canoing with. And when I say "partner," I am no longer talking about it as I have always thought about it ~ "life partner." I am talking about someone I like spending that time with, that is easy for both and beneficial for both. Girl or boy, friendship, companionship, a way for us both to see each other in unique and special ways, a growing and enjoying.

For so much of my life I was in a romantic relationship. My mind often wanders there. Now, I redirect it back ~ what do you want, Spidey? Well, I'd like someone to go look at shoes with me. I'd like someone to go backpacking with me. I'd like someone I could feel comfortable calling at 1 am if I needed to.

More later probably. Like you, I want to do more than sit on my puter today. I have a whole host of chores and errands to do, all that are related to serving others and therefore myself. In fact, some are to serve myself directly! ;-) My two cups of coffee are done, there is no sunshine here yet either but I am hoping for a neutral sky soon for a run. I am very into taking care of ME right now. Which in turn takes care of everyone else. I am paying close attention to my interactions when I 1)don't feel good about myself, not taking care of me, and 2)when I do feel good about myself, when I am taking care of me. It is only the difference of night and day, Jekyll and Hyde. That is the only difference that I have noticed this far into my study of Me.

what a happy day to see you too!

so m'dear, as always (tee hee hee, bad bad awed), you go so deep and so fast...

whoa nelly...I really (REALLY) want to chat about your therapy at some point -- interesting stuff there...lots of interesting stuff (I think it's fascinating where you are headed), but I'll slow down first...

forget the relationship, the idea or not, someone else or not -- that's far deeper than my meaning at the moment...just look at the statement: what are you saying?

you're summing up human complexity in a nice, neat package..."great"...how does that relate to reality? the reality you've known in the past, and the reality of your present? (ie. how do we sum up people in one word? how long is the judgement for? at what point -- if ever -- do people move from "great" to not great? or the reverse?)

in addition, there's an inherent disrespectful judgement of your X in that statement, and that's what I responded to in my P.S. (and then saw repeated in a black and white quote from you that flashed by as my post appeared on the page...yowsa)

since then, I've read to the end of page 13, making notes as I go... ...

10,000 disrespectful judgements of X...OK, OK...hmmm...and then here today, you were deep in the river and realized you loved him...OK, OK...

so: where are you now? are you with me? (gosh, where am I!)

well, I am looking at disrespectful judgements made about someone you love...and that says ___________ about Spidey...

what does it say? what are you saying?

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Yes, oftentimes I want to distract the h*ll out of myself in order to not deal with these incessant questions, the sadness, the "what could have been's"...

I am so curious...and I wonder: what are these things? do you know? (no need to tell me...just: do YOU know?)

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Oh awed. You know those stories about people who are successful personally, very happy and content.

yes, beyond stories, I know some very happy and contented people...the people who will say at 75 that their biggest regret in life was not learning to ride a bike...and they literally mean it...

very caring, loving people, who have done amazing things in their lives, and who continue to laugh a lot...

for me, these are these people...

"what could have beens" are not part of their general vocabulary and thinking -- not because they stuff down those thoughts, but because they lived in the moment, and made changes they needed to make, to live the lives they wanted to live...without regrets (save for the bike!)...

and in the interest of "fair chatting", I'll offer yet another perspective on the same thing! yours to choose... (oh I've enjoyed the lovely sun and am in a wickedly teasing mood now, hope the humour is infectious! are you having fun yet??? )

you mentioned somewhere else having weight problems (can't find the reference now, but you'll likely know what I'm yakking about) -- have you seen or heard the show with the guy about weight? (wow, how articulate awed... )
uh -- British accent, different approach, etc...I can't remember his name (I'm lousy with names)

anyhow, my point is I've been fascinated by the glimpses I've had -- no time to watch the show but I REALLY like his initial approach...he talks about the behaviour, the habit (ie. not the food at all), and says that denial will make everything worse -- the weight, the struggle, etc.

the one piece I saw (the first episode) he talked about what thin people do, what their habits are...I was a thin person for the first 4 decades of my life and I could totally relate to what he was saying...yup, I was able to eat whatever and not gain weight -- but here was the thing...

and until I heard him say this, I didn't realize it was true (I was unaware): I stopped eating when I was full...

huh, funny thing, that...how the body works how it is supposed to work when we let it do its job...I have all the habits he talks about too, just never realized they were habits...his approach (although I'm going on VERY little information) is all about helping people to change their unhelpful habits with healthy habits that will let their bodies lose the weight and keep it off permanently...

real change...

who knows how many people he's helped? (this isn't an endorsement or anything! ) but I do know this same approach is repeated in abuse (Stosny), cigarette smoking, drug addiction, etc. -- ie. in working with the worst of the worst, focusing on the emotion behind the destructive behaviour and what is driving it...

I think BIG change is often easier to achieve...sure the circumstances suck badly, but it is staring you RIGHT IN THE FACE...

whereas small change is hard, so hard...so incremental and barely ever noticeable, unless you squint really really, really hard...

I found so much in your post Spidey, it was very powerful, tears and laughter, and a lot of sorrow...you are in the thick of it honey...and while I'm not out looking at shoes with you, I'm here chatting...

awed

P.S. ah yes, now I remember the reference to what you'd said earlier and how it related to weight loss in general...this guy talked about weight fluctuations as being "normal" and said this was another interesting thing: naturally thin people don't weigh themselves incessantly, so don't even notice the fluctuations...

the relationship with food and the body differs radically from those who struggle with weight gain, and naturally thin people...

and my apologies to anyone who thinks this is oversimplified or doesn't like this guy's approach...my point is really that I was startled by the truth of what he was saying as a "naturally thin" person, who'd had natural weight fluctuations, and never gave much thought to what I ate, largely because I had such terrific habits (eating, food, physical activity, self-esteem, etc.) ingrained in me as a child...

I found a lot of parallels with what we've talked about here a lot over the years, the struggle with changing habits -- from unhelpful/harmful...to helpful/healthy...seems like it should be easy, because it is so darned simple!

it's not easy to change habits...

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well, I am looking at disrespectful judgements made about someone you love...and that says ___________ about Spidey...

I was thinking about this on my run this morning. I not only got neutral weather, I got sunshine! It is raining off-and-on now, so I got a window, a respite. Disrespectful judgments? Or a comment on reality? There is a fine line there. The line is probably the emotion, or if there is emotion, behind such comments/judgments. Yes, I still have emotion behind mine, more likely a judgment than a comment, but still true to the degree I mean it.

The man I loved reflected back to me my most powerful qualities ~ he was compassionate, caring, loyal, trustworthy, kind. Friendship to both of us meant everything. I feel like I haven't changed much from that. I feel he has. He is the same person physically: he looks kind-of the same, although much more sad IMO, I haven't seen him laugh in forever (you know, the big belly laugh); his voice is the same, but the words and inflections he uses with me now are different, and were even before the D. His inner workings, though, I no longer understand. His loyalty is gone, trustworthiness, friendship, dependability, compassion...all gone, at least from me. This is a person who is unrecognizable to me now. Like WAT used to say over on the other board, like alien pod people have invaded and taken over the body and the mind. He is no longer compatible with me. And I feel like our incompatibility is because of changes he made.

I know he made these decision for him, not against me. But, we were in a marriage. We had agreed to always take the other into account when making decisions for ourselves, big decisions. And the second affair? Well, either he is the biggest *ss on the planet, or he hurt me in his own lostness. Rather than turning to me in his lostness, he turned to others and was very destructive. There is a chance he has an undiagnosed mental illness.

I understand what you are saying about this:

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"what could have beens" are not part of their general vocabulary and thinking -- not because they stuff down those thoughts, but because they lived in the moment, and made changes they needed to make, to live the lives they wanted to live...without regrets (save for the bike!)...

Yet, there is a bike regret. Coming to terms with my grief is my not learning to ride a bike. X didn't create my grief, it was recreated with him. I don't want to recreate it again. I cannot live my life pretending it isn't there. Until I come to terms with it, the present moment will always just be a distraction from it.

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his approach (although I'm going on VERY little information) is all about helping people to change their unhelpful habits with healthy habits that will let their bodies lose the weight and keep it off permanently...

Yes, this is what I have done with my weight loss. Little changes here and there. No crash diets for me. Those never worked. The weight always came back. This has been years and years and I can now maintain a weight that is almost half of my highest weight. It is not the struggle it once was. When the old stuff comes back now, it is blatantly obvious because it has been gone for so long.

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you are in the thick of it honey..

Yes, I am. I am coming to terms with the grief that I never dealt with. My mother got sick, D'd the 4th H who was the only father I'd ever known (legally adopted me), and the little stability I did have was gone seemingly overnight. A dark time followed after that, when I met X. Then he joined the Army, we got married, I got pregnant, twice, one after the other, and it was a life of virtual poverty and struggle and constant moving until we moved back home in 1999. This is the longest I have lived anywhere, in my home now that I share with my boys. Constant distraction from my grief.

I had dreams of going to college, living in a sorority perhaps, going to med school, having loves and friends along the way. I wanted to travel the world. I was going to go to Pompeii for my high school graduation. I ended up dropping out my senior year and finishing in night school (pregnant). I still have never been to Pompeii, Mt. Vesuvius. I wanted to marry into a big family, have a big, close-knit family. I ended up marrying into a family that is extremely dysfunctional and not close at all. I don't know if X wanted either of our kids, although now I know he loves them deeply. He certainly didn't want to have any more (when he found out I was pregnant with the second, all he could muster was, "Well, it's another tax break...").

And with all my disappointments and heartaches, the one thing I would tell myself was, "Well, at least I ended up with a nice guy that doesn't drink or beat me up, always has a job and is my best friend..." And then he wasn't such a nice guy, awed, for several years. I put all my eggs in that one basket, with him, because he told me I could trust him. And I did. And perhaps I shouldn't.

Why did I trust him after 2 infidelities, before the third? Was I not living with my eyes wide open? Why cannot I have a mother or a husband or a best friend? Why must I live in this world feeling so alone? What is wrong with me? Am I a horrible person? I don't think I am. I think I am quite wonderful. But am I kidding myself? Based on results, something is not working in my life. And hasn't been for a while now.

I have a whole list of what-could-have-beens with regards to my failed M, too, but I won't go into that now. The point is, until I can find peace in where I'm at and find some reason that makes sense for Why I'm where I'm at, I feel I cannot make that shift to only living in the moment. I know I think about things a lot, perhaps too much. I also realized today on my run that I am probably mentally rigid, the way I think and feel and process.

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you're summing up human complexity in a nice, neat package..."great"...how does that relate to reality? the reality you've known in the past, and the reality of your present? (ie. how do we sum up people in one word? how long is the judgement for? at what point -- if ever -- do people move from "great" to not great? or the reverse?)

Great to me means healthy. Being with someone because we compliment each other and strengthen each other, not tear each other down. Not getting into a relationship for the sole purpose of distracting myself or putting a band aid on an old wound that I did not take the time to heal. X is probably just right for some other lady out there, but not me. I want someone who believes what they believe because it makes sense to them, they live by it, even when times get hard ~ they have faith in themselves and their beliefs and do not abandon them in the face of adversity.

I think my judgment of X will change to simple observations when I am no longer attached to him, and when I can hold myself in my own grief about it and know I will be OK.

If I could have one thing for 30 minutes on this planet, do you know what it would be? It would not be to be with X, to talk to him the way we used to talk, to understand him. It would be to have my mother back as my mother for 30 minutes, to get a hug and to lay my head on her lap and have her run her fingers through my hair and tell me the way only a mother can that everything is going to be alright. To smell her smell again, see her intelligence and her compassion, her love for me. OK, I'd probably want more than 30 minutes...

My most comforting aid came from outside of myself for a long time, first my mother and then X. Like losing weight, it is a process of replacing all of that with things that I have access to no matter who is in my life. Which means from myself.

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and while I'm not out looking at shoes with you, I'm here chatting...

And I am so appreciative of your time and energy, awed. Thank you so much. Speaking of shopping, I have lots of errands to go run now, and food to buy. I'm gonna make myself a very nice dinner tonight. :-) With fresh veggies and I'm sure cheese will be involved...