I found a WHOLE NEW WARDROBE in my closet ...and that would have to be the only part about any of this situation that I really like, and I'm determined to keep it off...There is something to be said for the nervous breakdown diet I guess!!!

quote:

There is something to be said for the nervous breakdown diet I guess!!!

Yeah, after X's first A, I lost 35 pounds in 6 weeks. After he came home, all but 5 came back eventually. Unfortunately. Or maybe all but 10.

But since he's left again, and we D'd, I have lost all that, plus more, plus had a tummy tuck.

I think he is still startled every time he sees me....it is AWESOME! Sometimes, I am startled when I see me.....it is AWESOME!!!

I'm so proud of you Spidey, for everything you've done! You are totally awesome!

I,too, lost 40 pounds after XH left, gained back 10, but now my weight's creeping up again. No one seems to notice but me, but I get cranky after a day of wearing too tight pants. I broke down and bought one pair of warm, stretchy winter pants, but that's it, I'm not gaining any more and the weight's coming off after the holidays, if not sooner!

As for XH, who left me for MOW at Xmas 7 years ago, I don't care what he thinks about how I look or what he thinks about what I'm doing. In fact, I just plain don't care anymore ~ YAY!

quote:

I'm so proud of you Spidey, for everything you've done! You are totally awesome!

Thank you! Or, as my girlfriend (who is so cute) says to me, "Spanks!" But when I say it people look at me like I'm an evil ogre. She says it and everyone laughs and feels comfortable...Good grief. ;-) Oh well.

So, I think roomie moving out is a done deal. I think it was a good time. I hope everything works out for her. I love her so much, and like her so much. It felt like if I had let it go on and on at that low/mid-level negative energy...that our friendship would be lost. Seriously. This feels much cleaner to me.

I still have a paper to write. Apparently, my mind is refusing to write any papers before their due-dates. Not exactly sure why this is happening, but probably just part of my ongoing-semester-stroke-nervous-breakdown behaviors. Really, my life is very interesting at this moment. I am saying and doing things that I do not normally say and do. And I seem to be doing them fairly well. Like, could I have handled roomie differently? Yes, but I did the best I could, and there is no drama/trauma. Polite respectful, even bantering a bit in front of the boys. All my people-pleasing is currently on a hiatus. I am assuming it will come back when most of my stress leaves...but for now, not a trace. I can say what I mean, and not feel bad or guilty. Which means I don't have a negative emotional reaction. Which means the people I'm conversing with aren't exposed to my negative emotional reaction, seemingly resulting in much better conflict resolution than I have been familiar with before in my life.

Standing up for myself without feeling guilty or bad...I better sign off. I think this cat is going to have to be evicted from my room...she is still scampering all around, and I'm getting ready to roll into bed...good grief, now she's playing with the stuff on my desk...g'nite!

Yesterday, I turned in the WORST paper I have ever done for an upper level undergrad course. Good grief. I did NOT want to write it. I resisted it. Then I did it crappily.

Oh well. It is done. So far, I have one C+ this semester. Ugh. Oh well. It is done.

Well, after this morning. I take my final final at 10:30. Wish me luck. Thank goodness it is over...

GOOD LUCK SPIDEY

quote:

GOOD LUCK SPIDEY

Thanks, Sandy. Well, I finished. It wasn't graceful and strong - in fact, it got downright ugly there at the end...definitely maxed myself out on what I am capable of doing WELL at one time...we are not meant to live at such high speeds without breaks, me thinks. I like my life moving and all, but lately, it was feeling like I was careening out of control. And now I am going to be coming to a slower pace with my semester schedule change, and my break.

I have nothing I have to do for the next to hours before I go to work. I have nothing that needs to be read, written, picked up, washed, dropped off (I am including my children here...), taken to, summarized, APA-format-ized, proofread, sent in the mail, ......... Nada. For 2 hours. Oh, 1 hour and 55 minutes.

Well, I am going to go enjoy my 1 hour and 54 minutes....girl's gotta eat! Oh, and I lost that 8 pounds I'd gained (not sure if I mentioned that here or somewhere else...)!!! Yay!!!! I think I am going to attempt to lose 10 more pounds. I have never been that low on the scale. And I think I'm ready to overcome whatever it is that has kept me where I've been for a year now...

More later. Geez!!! 1 hour and 53, no, now 52 minutes......

So are you finished now for the holidays and can relax and have some fun and get up with your hair sticking up all over the place in your robe and sit down in your own home with no stranger lurking on your couch???

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So are you finished now for the holidays and can relax and have some fun and get up with your hair sticking up all over the place in your robe and sit down in your own home with no stranger lurking on your couch???

YES! YES! YES! YES! and YES!

I am now off work. All I have to do for the forseeable future is Christmas shopping. I have done a tiny bit. Tomorrow morning I shop for the group home (groceries), then go to my girlfriend's graduation, then her graduation party, then back to town to get DS15 to his guitar lesson. He usually has guitar on Th, but his instructor had a gig tonight so they scheduled it tomorrow. That boy loves the guitar! And he is getting really good at it.

Plus try and get the rest of the stuff for the boys, so they can go with me this weekend for everyone else - then I gotta take them separately to get each other's gifts.

But Saturday morning, I sleep in. Sunday morning, I sleep in. Oh, wait, Monday morning, sleep in (boys are out of school!).

I better gets to bed so I am not too tired tomorrow. I am so glad we got to use the sofa emoticon on my thread. Who would have ever thought THAT?!

quote:

I am so glad we got to use the sofa emoticon on my thread. Who would have ever thought THAT?!

Only your soul sister

quote:

Only your soul sister

Hee hee, so true!

Thanks for hangin' with me, soul sister....

:-)

Hi spidey!

figured I'd drop in here while I was passing and wish you festive greetings...

and well-deserved rest! (<---- that's me looking to see if you are really getting the rest you need, or if you are out feverishly shopping instead... )

so that's twice for the sofa in one thread... (no reason for that graemlin except that it's new and tempted me too much NOT to use it!)

I was just saying to someone the other day how much I miss with the graemlins...ESPECIALLY when I want to convey something that's

have fun with the kids

awed

quote:

that's me looking to see if you are really getting the rest you need, or if you are out feverishly shopping instead...

Oh, I am not doing any of that! Good grief. Sometimes, do you have to blow off steam with your friends? My time is so constrained, that if I go out with my friends, there are always "consequences." Like, I go out and not work (I need a certain amount of hours a week at this job for the medical/dental coverage); I go out and not be with my kids; I go out and don't get enough sleep and study time and such, and struggle in my classes and my relationships.

Will I ever have a time in my life (I know I will, but I am on my pity pot tonight) that I associate 'fun' with "fun"; in the sense that I now often associate 'fun' with ... maybe guilt? Or "guilt?"

I dunno. Honestly, right now, I am inclined to stay home with my boys and watch more Xena episodes. They want to pick up fast food on the way home. :-)

Good Morning!

Glad this semester is over.... I think there is something to be said about putting too much on your plate. My d and I had that very convo when she was making out her schedule for next semester.

Well I am off to shop... I am getting up early and hopefully beating a small portion of the crowd. So it's off to Starbucks and then I am meeting my D so she can help me. There is one good thing about your kids getting old, they can have a drink with you on days like this , I am sure it won't be champagne but thank goodness we won't be eating McDonalds either!

Have a good and safe day shopping.

Le

Thanks, Le! I did stay home with my boys last night. I fell asleep on the couch before 11 pm watching Xena with them. It was AWESOME!!!

I made them grilled cheese and raman noodles, myself a gigantic grilled cheese with jalapeño monterey jack sammich....then we had thick slices of homemade banana bread. It was so tasty.

I kinda wanted to get up early and beat the crowds, but I slept in until 9:30, when I heard my XMIL here...she dropped off my present. Very nice lady.

Oh, and X and I are trying something this year. He has the boys Xmas Eve, because I did last year. Then in the morning, he is going to bring them over after they've opened their gifts, about 8 or 9, for a couple hours before taking them to his parents' house for dinner. Then I get to hang out with them again in the evening, but Tuesdays are his nights, so he gets them Xmas night, too - like I did last year.

So, what we are going to do is, I am making us all Xmas breakfast, and when he comes to drop the boys off to me in the morning, we are all 4 going to have Xmas breakfast together.

We have been getting along really well, as far as making decisions that are best for the boys, not arguing with each other, not throwing past stuff at each other. I think it will be successful. It seemed to make the boys happy, too. And this isn't a sense that we are getting back together happy for them. We are all understanding now that we are all happier the way things are now. And while we might always have a small inkling for it to have turned out another way, when we shift our focus to dealing with the way it actually IS, we all agree that it is pretty darn good. ;-)

Wish me luck with the crowds!!!

Spidey

You are a very brave woman to go out today shopping...GOOD LUCK!!!!

Thanks for the well wishes, Sandy! We busted out a HUGE chunk of gifts yesterday. We got X, roomie, aunt, uncle, 1 cousin, grandma, and DS15 got DS16's gift. *sigh*

Today is groceries for my house (after I make a list), DS16 for DS15, 1 more cousin, and finish up my boys. Not too bad.

Well, it is almost time for me to go my first Christmas Eve without my boys in the next rooms. My first Christmas morning without my boys waking me up. My first Christmas night without tucking my boys in to bed. The other day, I was telling my boss this, and the lady who works in the office came out and she said that it is hard, but she did it, and she knew I could do it, too. I did not realize she was divorced. Her sons are the therapists that run the programs I work for. It gave me a longer-term perspective that I needed. She is involved with her boys each day, with their kids. You would never know that she had missed a few Christmas Eves and Christmas days with them. Does that make sense?

So, yes, a bit traumatic for me, since I have never lived this situation before. But not terminal, or life-threatening, or something I cannot handle. Just knew. A bit unpleasant. But next year, they are all mine again. :-) And they are almost adults. I got them for a long long time all to myself.

And, I have a totally different appreciation and relationship with them now than I have ever had with them before. I would not change that for anything. I have had so much fun hanging with them the past couple days. They are the most awesome kids ever.

Well, I best get prepared for the gym, then off for my shopping. Dang teenagers are still in bed! That's OK, I slept in until 9:30 yesterday morning. Holy Hannah!

Hey Spidey,
Glad you got a lot of shopping done. I did too. Except for the groceries for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning I am DONE ... well not done but done with shopping I should be wrapping packages

You know it's hard when your kiddo's aren't with you no matter how old they are. It was very hard for me to let go of my girls and be OK with them spending holidays and stuff with their inlaws but I have progressed and while this probably won't be the easiest Christmas you've ever spent try something new. The first year both of our girls spent the entire holiday with their inlaws H, YD and I took a trip we went to a beautiful place and had an awesome time. Just be open to new fun things this year....

I think this is why we never pushed for H's d to be with us the entire holiday on "our year", while we missed her terribly we always shared we took her home Christmas Eve night so she could have Christmas morning with her mom. That's just the way it worked for us.

Have fun at Breakfast... my family has had lots of those kinds of holidays.. they are healthy for the soul. I really believe that.

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Well, I best get prepared for the gym,

The gym??? We still have those in this country Going back is going to kill me but Wed I will be there and try to get back into my routine. I admire you for staying with it during this hectic time. I can really tell I have missed 3 weeks
Le

Thanks for stopping in, Le.

I am doing something new this year, and I forgot to tell everyone. I am going to spend the time I don't have my boys, with the boys at the group home. I have already told all my co-workers to expect me at any and all times, because I am heading straight over there when I feel lonely or overwhelmed.

So, that is new, and good for me, as well as good for the guys at the home. There is a delicate balance between holding them accountable for their past, and preparing them to live "normal" lives as adults. Which means getting them accustomed to seeing themselves reflected back to themselves as something other than sex offenders or perverts. Real kids, with real personalities and strengths and adequate coping skills...more than anything, I think, they need to see that in themselves, to give them courage to face the world after being locked up for 2, 4, 6, 8 years of their young lives.

So, yep, that's my Plan.

Yes, Le, the gyms are still open! ;-) You are hysterical. I missed about 2 weeks. When I first go back, after just a break of a week or two, my first workout is phenomenal...my body has tons of stored glucose, my muscles are ready to go. But my second (i.e., this morning) workout, well, this morning is when I will notice that I haven't worked out for 2 weeks. Today, my mind will try and tell me to turn down the resistance on the second hill...to slow the pace down...today it will probably HURT.

Hey Sweetie,

Thought about you last night.... have a great breakfast with your boys.

Merry Christmas !

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Le