quote:

"which would you rather. To be right or to be happy"

Happy. Thank you H and Loui for reminding me of that. I let myself be lead down that path of pettiness so I myself could see what lie at the end of it. Nothing. Nothing lies at the end of right and wrong, win and lose.

quote:

Even great superheroes are very conflicted you know, and full of angst.

I did just watch The Dark Knight with the boys Saturday.....Many people in that movie were conflicted and full of angst.

I'll take the compliment, Star.

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It may not be the marriage you assumed it would be.. or the one you focused on.. but look at it this way.. when the time comes, no matter if its with X or with someone else..

hopefully with all you've learned and how far you've come in your own journey.. you may very well indeed HAVE a healthy and strong marriage.

Thanks, Loui. I needed to hear that out loud ~ er, well, in my head, but from an external source....

Hi Spidey,
I don't know everyone here, but I do know a few. Some of the names are very familiar, yours happens to be one of those. So, I went back a few weeks, to see how you are.

Learned a lot while reading. Have a few comments (if you don't mind.)

Feelings are important. They tell us things about our selves that we can use to guide us to where we want to be. You already know this, but reviews can be helpful.

(Said with a big grin on my face) I can't believe you are such a normal person, and have the same feelings of doubt that the rest of us have from time to time.

LOL.

This is life. It's how it is.

The trick is to find joy in the journey. It looks like you are doing that. Don't let the doubts (that we all have from time to time) hide the good times. Minimize (in your mind, and in your life) the things that hurt, and maximize the things that bring joy.

May you always find Joy in the Journey.

SS

Hey fellow SS! ;-) There used to be many of us SS-ers......

Thanks for stopping in. Thank you for your wonderful wish: May we all always find Joy in the Journey.

;-)

Having read your thoughts....... and watched you grow, I think you will.

I really do.

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Having read your thoughts....... and watched you grow, I think you will.

I really do.

Well, that settles it! I will then. :-)

Last night, I was laying in bed, about to drift off to sleep, and the strangest thing happened to me physically. Random X thoughts were flying through my head, attempting to gain purchase ~ a familiar thing. And suddenly it all seemed so unimportant. When my mind registered that these thoughts were unimportant, it sorta stalled-out. And I began having the most interesting feelings in my body. It felt like an energy current went through me, but in a very controlled and pleasant way.

I don't know what it was. Thoughts of X were gone, and in their place was a calm peacefulness. A calm knowing. General stuff ~ that I am going to be OK, that I am going to find love again, that my life is so very full and wonderful as it is right now.

I am worthy of love. No matter what changes externally for me, I am worthy of being loved.

quote:

I don't know what it was. Thoughts of X were gone, and in their place was a calm peacefulness. A calm knowing. General stuff ~ that I am going to be OK, that I am going to find love again, that my life is so very full and wonderful as it is right now.

I am worthy of love. No matter what changes externally for me, I am worthy of being loved.

The spirit teaches things as they really are, and things as they really will be.

Yes, you are worthy of love. Some people never get that.

Thanks for sharing.

One of the other SS's.

Spidey,
I'm being held hostage by aliens, that's why I've not been around.

quote:

I am worthy of love. No matter what changes externally for me, I am worthy of being loved.

Some of us have always known that, lady. Glad you've joined us.

Hey Cameo! LOOONG time. Holy cow. IF you want to get away, I hope you make your alien hostage escape. ;-) Thanks for your kind words.

Couple things. First of all, I feel like I have gone as far as I can go right now with this thing I know as infidelity. I have talked about it ad nauseum, gone to IC, hung out here for years......In short, I am ready to shift my focus. There are many other things in my life I only pursue part time because I have been doing infidelity full time. And let's face it, the only infidelity that HAS to be in my life right now is wholly within my control. I have no partner. I have no boyfriend. What X offered me two years ago was unacceptable and I divorced him. The further down the road I get from infidelity, the more clear it all becomes for me. I think I need more time and space for even more healing. I do not want to leave behind all my friends here, though. Nor all the wonderful insights and experiences and wisdom you all have. So, please check out my new thread (although there is nothing interesting on there yet) called "Focus Shift." It is in The Daily Grind. ;-)

Second, coincidentally, there is something for me to process here. Last night, DS16 called to say him and his father were on their way over to drop off camping gear and pick some up. I decided that was the perfect time for me to leave. I looked out front, didn't see anyone yet. Pulled out of the garage, there was X, parked up the street a bit by the shed, pulling out BOTH camping mattress pads. Now, when we agreed to share camping gear, I guess I was thinking for when we either 1)go with the boys, or 2)go alone with other people (like, singly). It does not include him providing a sleeping mattress, that I use, for CW!!!! Or whatever girl he intends to take camping. The guy just doesn't get it!!! He had AP#1 in my bedroom (they didn't use the bed, though, because AP#1 was trying to be "respectful" of me), and he had AP#2 in our new family tent trailer. Both times he knew how it upset me. Both times he seemed mystified. Just one of the many many reasons I am no longer with the dude.

So, this was very upsetting for me. Because he wasn't breaking any rules we'd set up, per se, but GEEEEZ!!!! All this before I go to my relatives' house for dinner and visiting. Distraught (because I'm thinking of what is going to go through my mind next time I take out that tent and mattress pad....), I decide to make my stand. I texted him that we could not share mattress pads, sleeping bags, or tents. He now has one mattress pad, and one tent, and he says he doesn't use any of the other sleeping bags. I was upset at first, but by the last text he was LOL'ing me. Whatever. I certainly did not LOL back.

Reminded me of exactly what I released when I divorced him. Reminded me of what I deserve. And also allowed me the thought of "knock yourselves out, but you're not doing it on my stuff anymore...."

I feel like I've made progress. I was talking to my friend about it last night before going to bed and he agreed that I am making progress. He said, "There's hope for you yet." I didn't just hem-and-haw about it, indecisive, stewing, venting to everyone around me except saying something to X. Nope, I sent very express texts ~ we will not share these items, and I want the blue tent. Immediately after I did that, and it was settled, and he'd brought my mattress pad back, I felt much better. I feel even better this morning.

The whole thing did make my grief come up again last night ~ grief that I am starting over, that I had a shot with X for life partner, but it didn't work out. No pining for him, just a grief for what could have been if different choices had been made. I do believe he was different years ago. Years ago, I couldn't believe he'd make the choices he does today, and has made the past few years. I have seen him change. And he seems happy or content or whatever to stay that way.

Please come join me over in my new space, too! I will probably still post infidelity-related stuff here, if I feel the need, like I did this morning. And I will still read other threads and probably post. I am not leaving or deserting. Just focus shifting......