I really appreciate all the information I am gaining through this site. Thank you to all of you who are supporting me. I have a question about my Mom's marriage. My stepdad left her 4 years ago to be with another woman and has been living with her ever since. He did attempt to come home after the other woman threw him out, but he went back to her. My Mom has not had any form of contact with him in the last year at least-is this protection phase? I am worried that she is holding on to the hope of him returning as more and more time goes by. She is stuck and I don't know what to tell her without causing more hurt. I get the impression that he is relieved by not having contact with her, he also has shut me and his own children and grandchildren out of his life. What are the chances, from your experiences, that he will ever come back? Thanks again!

Gaylene

Gaylene...

It could be said that she is in protection phase if she has had no contact with him whatsoever. OTOH.. if she never sent him a formal letter stating that he could come home if he was willing to work on their relationship he might not realize that she wants him back. If in fact she really does.

There really is no way of knowing what the chances are. No way for us here to gauge as we don't know your mom or her story.

Everybody has their own way with dealing with loss and betrayal. She may be holding out hope... and/or she may be working out her own life and has decided not to get into another relationship until she feels healthier and stronger.

Have you talked to her about it?

Loui

I am Gaylenes Mom, and wish I had found this site 6yrs. ago. Will try to tell my story in as few words as possible. Six yrs. ago my husband started an affair, the OW, being the piano player at the church we attended. The OW, has had 2 previous marriages, ? number of common-law(2 I am aware of plus a number of other relationships). In the very beginning when I found out, he told me,I had no idea at all just questioned why he was seemingly being mean to me, as I had just had knee replacement surgery. In an email between my husband and OW that I came upon, she stated she also had a bad track record with men! I sent her a letter stating I loved my husband and would like her to send him home so we could work on the marriage. Her reply was "this is the problem with getting involved with a married man". She would not meet with me face to face. My husband told me he did not love me for some time, and never loved me as he did her. After 29yrs of marriage I was devestated. Right away I went to Divorce Care, they do not promote divorce, but help you to help yourself with a spiritual background. It was a wonderful experience and I am still involved helping in D/C and other self helping groups at church. Before I forget, I should mention that the United Church I had attended previously, had a new minister who had only been at our church for 1wk, yet sided with my husband & OW. Plus my husband confessed his sins every week, and took it seriously??? So seriously that he continued going to the church with OW, but she had resigned from playing the piano because she did not agree with the doctrine of the church? My husband told me it would be best I not go back, which I could not do anyways. After 22 months OW decided they were finished, told my husband she had done all her crying and did not love him the same. He called our Son & daughter(not Gaylene) they went & picked him up and he was home that evening after they talked things over with him for a few hours. We were doing good and my only request was he have no further contact. He tried, but was unsuccessful in pushing any of my buttons. Then one evening Gaylene found evidence of him having contact with OW. He denied it until I showed him the printed email between them. At that time I asked he sign a paper that stated he would have no contact with her for six months, with hope that this would give us a chance, but he would not agree so I told him to leave, which he finally did. Next morning he phoned and said he could not continue to be decietful, and lie anymore & had to do what was right. I did go pick him up and bring him home. He left her a letter telling her there was to be no contact. A few days later he gets an email from her daughter telling him sometimes we cannot do what is right, but to do what we wanted to make us happy. Told him she had growen to adore him and asked him to come back to her mother, regardless of my feelings. OW allowed him and our children to move all his belongings back home & had the locks changed right away. Then decided she had made a mistake and wanted him back. One afternoon I went to meet our daughter and he would not come with me. When I got home it was very still & quiet in our home, yes he had gone back to her, he left me no note, but emailed the following evening saying he had to go back to see if she really loved him! He also let me know that since he had only been home for 85days, they were still able to claim common-law marriage as you had to be gone 90days to start over again. I was having contact, very minimal, but cut it totally out nearly one year ago. I am in the process of considering sending a letter to the pastor of the church they now attend. She moved with my husband to a community of only 300 people and about 3hrs. or more from his family. I feel she is isolating him from his family? Is it too late to attempt sending a letter to the pastor and asking for his help? Thank you for your time reading my story. Yes, Gaylene & I have have discussed your reply to her regarding myself, we are very open with each other and she has helped me to relate in different ways watching how she is dealing with her situation. She is amazing and seems further along in her healing than I feel in mine. Thank you for your time, it is so appreciated.

Gail

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Gail,

Hi Gail.. welcome to SYMC!

First.. as head moderator if I could ask you...it might be prudent to remove the AP's name from your post (you can edit your post after logging in and by clicking the little eraser on the bottom rt hand corner of the post)..

She has no idea that you are posting about her and we usually recommend other people who are not aware of their situation being laid out in public be protected. (as much as that I'm sure is aggravating to you...it is what we ask here).

Next thing..

So.. you've been seperated approx 6 yrs. Are you divorced? I noticed you mentioned common law.. what is the situation with that?

Loui

Sorry to have included OW's name, I was not thinking as know it is best not to do that.

No, I am not divorced, have told my husband I do not want a divorce and the topic has not come up since.

My husband and OW are able to claim a common-law marriage and seem to have more rights than I do as his legally married wife. Even with him still married to myself, their being together has many perks. It is difficult to understand the reasoning behind common-law relationships!

Gail

thats kinda weird though... I don't understand how a man who is legally still married can claim any kind of common law marriage to anyone else...

So tell me.. what is it you would like to accomplish with us here? What goals for yourself do you see?

Loui

It is not easy to understand the law and a married spouse being able to enter into a common law relationship. I really struggle with that one!

My goal I would like to accomlish is to have input from others, who might have a simular situation, to have been separated for a number of years, and had their spouse return to the marriage after a length of time? The intervention phase, I basically did, but not as well as it is layed out on your site. My husbands family said they know what he is doing is wrong, but it is there son & brother! My side of the family have no contact with him, he has not seen his own children in four years and he blames them for no contact, not himself! He is now seeing his grandchildren, once a year, in the summer. He started contacting them a year ago after not seeing them for two years!

In the past I have told my husband I will come and get him anytime, day or night, to which he never replyed. Now I would like to know if it is too late to expose the situation to the pastor of the church they now attend. I feel comfortable to do this. I would like your opinion before I do so though. Presently, I have had no contact with my husband in ten months in the hope it will rock his boat. The fact that I have no contact is not what he would expect from me. Before this I would send him devotionals or anything else I thought might help him see the light, with no effect on him at all. I do have my own life right now and not allowing the situation with the marriage hold me back in moving forward. After being married for 29yrs. this has not been easy but I have learned so much for which I am thankful.

Gail

Just wondering if someone could help me out on the email I posted Tue. Aug. 12/08? I would like to know if sending a letter to the pastor, of the new church my h now attends, is still doable after 6yr?

Thank you.

Gail

Gaylene..

Sorry I was out of touch.. I'm usually gone over the weekends (couse I'm on the computer all day all week!! and my poor eyeballs need a break!)

Here at SYMC we usually do promote exposure though my question is...He has been living with the OW while still married for 4 yrs and no one from the church knows this?

You know I have no idea how long it could take. We've had people on the website where it took years before the affair/relationship finally petered out and there is "talk" about coming back together. There are others that it still is happening and its been 5+ yrs.

It does seem rather odd that he still remains married to you...my only question on that one is, is he waiting for you to initate divorce for financial reasons? Or is there some connection to you he is loathe to break?

Loui

Loui,

First of all I am Gail, Gaylenes Mom, can be a little confussing the names are very simular.

My husband & the OW were going to the church he & I attended together for the first 2yrs, and the minister supported them because they had so much guilt???

My husband was home for 3mo. and went back to the OW because she had made a mistake and decided she still loved him When the OW retired(she is 7yr. older than my husband) she moved them to a little town of 300 people and about 3hr. drive from where his family all live.

My husband & OW are now in this little town and have presented themselves as a couple and no one there knows the circumstances. So the church they are attending, in this little town, neither the pastor or those attending know their story.

I did expose the affair. in the beginning, with words not letters. I did send letters to the OW but she didn't care as what she was doing was the pattern in her life. The minister of the church we attended together was okay with their affair. My husband said they knew who to talk to and who not too as far as those who went to the church. It did not seem bother either of them what anyone felt towards them.( I could not attend church, but h told me it would be better if I didn"t).

I do not want a divorce and my husband is aware. My counselor has told me not to initiate a divorce as this will give my husband some relief from whatever guilt he might be experiencing and the blame can be put on me. He did say if there was other reasons for a divorce to go ahead, but if it would not change things to leave well enough alone.

My husband takes a small amount of our total income and never a penny more. That way he has been more than fair and I realize how blessed I am, being in this situation when I hear the horror stories others are left with.
My Husband has told me if she dies he will come back to me......NOT! Also, that he really, really likes me. Before he left the second time he said he thought he loved me, but how could he when he loved her! When we met to sign some legal papers, a few months later, he told me he had tried and tried to leave the OW and just couldn't.

Hope I have explained a little better. Anyways, to contact the pastor of the church my husband & OW now attend is what I am wondering about. Would exposing them both to the pastor of this church they now attend be advisable?

Thank you for your time, it is so appreciated.

Gail

Hey Gail!! Sorry about the confusion I'm losing brain cells daily I think!

Hmmmm...

If you want my honest opinion... I think you should expose it to EVERYBODY. Her family, her job... his job, the church.

Everyone you know that they know.

Now.. remember there are two sides to this scenario. They will be furious!! They've been together now for a few years and don't expect it from you at this point. In their minds you have accepted the situation. So it will come as a shock.

Oh well.

See thats part of the thing about affairs. Guilt causes hiding. Hiding causes lying. Lying causes underlying stress to the relationship. Even if they are loathe to admit it or even acknowledge it. When you break the secrecy.. you throw the whole relationship wide open.

Now since its been so long term for them I'm not sure what the down the road apiece scenario might look like. But if theres a chance it could end their relationship and have him come home and thats what you are looking to do. I say go for it.

Just out of curiousity.. have you ever spoken to that previous pastor about his stance on that relationship now that they are gone? And have you spoken to a counselor at all during this time? If so what were their recommendations.

Loui