Hello to all. I am new here, have read many of the threads, articles and newsletters. I am both happy and sad to know that I am not alone in this sea of guilt.
I am the WW. Married 14 years, been together 16. (since I was 16.) 2 children, daughter 15, son 8. We went thru a time where we both strayed, then we got back on the wagon, hit some massive potholes in life, and I strayed again. (a few times) No, I'm not being "casual" about it, just upfront. H discovered A on his own, with a tiny bit of help from my fiends. Confronted me, I admitted, things got emotional, (not physical) he went to jail, got out, rented an apartment and here we are.
(A is over. NC on either end.) The divorce has been filed, and I would do anything to have him home with me and the kids. DDay was Feb 8, we had no contact with one another for 2 weeks, then we texted and emailed important info about kids etc. Then the day before our anniversary, March 5, we spoke.
We have had many talks and discussions. We have spent time at each other's homes happily, we attended court ordered parenting class together and have been friendly (and intimate) since. When questions about our future come up, he says that he loves me but can't be married to me right now. That he can love me without being married to me. Maybe after our divorce we can be together because we want to be, not because we are married. That he doesn't know what he wants or even feels right now. I am not pushing for answers. I can't. If there was a thread of hope, I'd grab it. I don't want to have false hope. We are waiting to get into family counseling. Either to help us save our marriage ( my hope) or to help us learn how to divorce ( my fear) someone you still love dearly.
Sorry to be so long, I am confused, he is confused, and I don't know what to make of any of this, because we are both in a fog. Can anyone see thru my fog and give me some direction?

nsims,

Welcome to SYMC. Really sorry about the circumstances that brought you here but glad you found us. Members here have experienced the sort of emotions you are going through now. Don't be afraid to share your concerns and questions.

It seems like the divorce process is moving rather quickly. How long since No Contact? When did your H discover the affairs?

What sort of family counseling are you choosing to do? Have you thought at all about phone coaching? It will be a much different experience. From my experience, it will be more proactive. If you can, I'd suggest you download and read Penny's ebook.

Both of you are hurting a great deal. It's going to require some time to heal. It doesn't sound like either of you are in a good enough place emotionally to make such a decision. It seems like you guys are starting to reconnect again as the divorce plans heat up. Even if you have paperwork in the legal system, you can always slow them down by joint agreement. You can ask for a delay to see if you can work things out. Is there time to slow things down and just reconnect?

How are the kids doing? Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? Do you have a support network of friends?

The biggest thing you can do to help your marriage is to do the tough work of your own discovery and healing. Can you find your value again? When you do that, you'll be in a much better place to work on the relationship.

Keep posting. It will help.

HoFS

Hi nsims - welcome to symc. I am so sorry you are experiencing this kind of pain.

Can your marriage be saved? Sure. Any marriage where both partners do the work can be saved. Elegantly simple - a wee bit more difficult in practice.

Some hard questions I have for you:

Why should he take you back? One affair? Sure - that's a given if there aren't other significantly destructive things going on. But a series of affairs -- after discovery and recovery? That's a whole different level of betrayal.

I don't say that to hurt you. What I hope you can see and understand is that you are a danger to him. You've demonstrated you can't be trusted and that you will put your own desires of the moment ahead of his safety and wellbeing.

So, why should he take you back? Because you love him and want him to? Mmmmm ...... that's still all about you and what your desires of the moment. If you really want to repair your marriage you need to shift to what it is he needs.

Where's the benefit to him of staying with you?

What will you do, what can you do, to guarantee you won't hurt him again in this way?

Is that enough for him to be vulnerable to you again?

Are you willing to really hear what he thinks and how he feels about those things?

I agree slowing down the divorce process might be a good idea. HoFS is right neither of you is probably in a space to make good clear decisions right now.

What I'm not sure about is the level of intimacy you're engaging in right now. Again, I'm going to go back to safety. You're asking this man, whom you love, to be emotionally and physically vulnerable in a place that has historically been unsafe. If you love him - if you love YOU - you need to make it safe first.

Wanting someone in your life is not the same as loving them. If you are really serious about fixing this then the person you have to love is your Self. Until you do - and until you make decisions from a place that's grounded in values and compassion you can't really fix your marriage.

Hugs to both of you,

P