Jules..

I think maybe I would take that 3 yr option.. where you don't sign and he has to wait a minimum of 3 yrs. Thats usually long enough time for the newness and exhileration of a new relationship starts to wear. Sometimes it way long enough for the A to be over and for the WS to see clearly enough to want to come back home.

And the truth is.. you shouldn't be dating probably for close to that long anyway. The last thing you need to do is get into a new relationship before you've recovered and grown from this one. One of the reasons that second marriage divorce rate is so high (higher than 1st marriages) is because most people "medicate" themselves with another relationship far too soon. So instead of healing and growing and bettering oneself (which is hard and painful work sometimes).. they divert their energy and thoughts to someone else.. cause it feels good.

So all those friends that think you "could" or "should" move on with your life? You can do so exactly where you are and without a divorce. And for all those friends that say you could or should be dating other people.. my answer to that would be the only person I should be getting to know at this point... is me.

And if.. 3 yrs down the road apiece your H's feelings haven't changed and he still doesn't want to come home.. chances are you will have grown and healed enough to handle it healthily.. and if chances are that he changes his mind and thinks he does want to try again.. well then you have grown and healed enough to handle it.

Loui

Hi Loui

Thanks for your reply - what you say makes sense and helps me clarify the situation. BTW we have already done two years separation, the law in UK is 5 years separation without consent, hence the 3 (more) years. Do you think that makes a difference? I read in a post that Penny wrote that 3 years is when things start to break down if they are going to.

Jules

Nope.. not one whit a difference. I would go for the full 5 yrs waiting period.

You know Jules I can only go by my own experiences but here's what I saw in that...
my previous long term relationship lasted 4 1/2 yrs. I was still head over heals at 2. Starting to get a little more reality into it by 3.. by 4 I was here on SYMC like a crazy woman with all the issues. By 5 I was out and done.. fini.

Even in this relationship I'm in now...its coming up on 2 yrs. I'm still head over heals.. but yeah, reality about who we are as a couple.. our dynamic, our strengths, weaknesses as individuals is starting to show up. That doesn't lessen the fact that we still want to be attached and love each other.. but it makes the reality of it less ga-ga and more realistically based.

Affairs.. well they don't start out in the real world. They don't start out with any of the honesty and openness that healthy relationships start out with. So unless they are fooling themselves or lying to themselves about who they are as a couple and how they got there.. thats already a notch against them in the reality based program.

There really is no way of knowing if they will last or not. There really is no way of knowing if you will want him back in 5 yrs time.

So what you have to keep reminding yourself and working with is you. Your mental health, your individualness and your good points & bad points. You know.. all that internal growth that helps us become better people.. not only with ourselves but with everyone in our lives and who may come into our lives.. and leave it too.

For all those well meaning friends who only want to see you happy.. tell them that you appreciate their love and support. And tell them that you are not holding onto him because you're afraid of losing him. You're holding onto the marriage cause thats what you believe in. And in the meanwhile that he's off doing his thing.. well you're here doing your thing. Growing into a healthier, better you.

Even if it hurts. Alot.

Loui

quote:

I am pretty clear on the UK law.

Hehe. Sorry about that! Originally when I read your question about "what might happen if you just shred the divorce papers" I thought you meant legally - so I went out and did some research. After I posted, I re-read what you said and thought..... "oh hang on... maybe she didn't mean what would happen with the divorce, but what the likely reaction would be in the relationship...." but I'd already posted by then so I just left it there! Sorry - of course you'd have looked into the legal side already.

When do those closest, wisest friends of yours get back?

Mags!

You seem like an old friend now. My best support?friend is back Sunday I think and another friend around the 12th. I have a friend who has gone through something similar, who might be around at the weekend too.

I have had lots to think about and the site has definately helped give some clarification.

Loui,
thanks for your post. I know that he is in deep at the moment, but I can't imagine that the impact of what he has done won't get to him eventually. As I say, he is one of the good ones or I wouldn't bother. I am still going backwards and forwards, but I think that if I tried to delay the divorce, it might be with the idea that it would prevent him marrying OW. If they married it would further hurt me and the kids, and if it all goes pear-shaped for them, it will hurt him more too. But I have tried for two years (by leaving it to him to start proceedings when he had no grounds), and it might be time to just turn my face away and stop thinking about him/them.

Nothing is final yet, but I need to respond to the divorce papers by sunday. More thinking to do,
Jules

I recommend taking the path that aligns most closely with the vows and promises you made to each other when you were first married. Sometimes "sticking it out through the tough times" is hard. But then again, you probably had something in your wedding vows like we did in ours. Stuff about in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do we part. (And stuff about burdens and pain, honor and anger, dreams and laughter, but that part isn't as standard.)

Here's what a really good friend of mine (Penny) about wedding vows.

"We don't take marriage vows for the easy times – we take those vows for the really ugly days when we're absolutely certain we've made the worst mistake of our lives. That's what our vows are all about -- sticking it out, being forced to dig deep inside and face our own inner demons, until we evolve into grown ups whose choices and actions are based on calm, compassionate, reasoned decisions made in the best interest of all involved ...Decisions that will stand up to the test of 'greater good' in the cold harsh light of time. That's what being a grown up is all about -– and marriage is the boot camp that gets us there."
(July 4, 2008)

Good words, eh? I think of 'em regularly.

Hey Jules, how you going?
Hey why do you have to respond to the papers by Sunday - is this an externally imposed deadline or just your H wants to know? Because you know if it's the latter, you really shouldn't feel rushed into this. I mean you might not want it hanging over your head, in which case that's your call, but only yours. Nobody else should be able to make you rush on this if you aren't totally ready to make the decision on it yet, especially if your friends and supports that would help you work through it are away.
Hope you're doing ok.

Hi Mags

I was given 7 days to respond, or I was told that the papers would be reserved by someone official into my hands. I don't need the extra stress! So I had to be clear about what I wanted to do and I have decided to let go. If he doesn't want to be married to me any more then I feel I have to give him his freedom. This is not what I want, but the alternative keeps me holding on to something that is gone. I hope that one day he regrets destroying a (good) marriage and a family, but if he doesn't, well, I have been sad long enough.

I still have a long haul ahead of me. The house is on the market and I have to find a new one that we will come to love, and that will meet the temporary needs of my kids and my long term needs. I started a new job yesterday, so there is a lot going on in my life. I am really. really sad now but I am moving forward and working on me - I was engaged before I turned 20, so I have a lot of learning about living for myself!

I am not sure if I will post again, but I will watch the site. Good luck to you, honey. What ever happens in your marriage, I have seen you grow as a person in a very short time. You will be fine, and you will make a really loving mum,

hugs to you,
Jules

All the best with it all Jules. And single for the first time in so long - well, what an adventure! The world is your oyster! Hope the new job goes well.

And hey you don't have to post about this miserable stuff to stay on the site! Because of course if you are moving on you wouldn't want to keep dwelling on this. If you feel like some company you can always post on the 'Daily grind' section about whatever takes your fancy or is interesting you lately. It'd be nice to see you around!

Good luck with your healing and everything else. It's been great getting to know you, thanks for your comments and everything, and if you don't post anymore - we'll miss you!

Mags

You know Jules..

lots of us stick around long after the relationship we came here to fight is over. We here also believe in growing and guiding into the new life too.

(heck some of us meet other people, get into another relationship and still have things that we need help with!! ahem...like me & 1Niceguy and all that)

So don't be a stranger and whenever something comes up that you're having an issue with, come and post. We'll all be happy to chat!!

Loui

Can anybody tell me why my stbx can do no contact better than me? I am in the process of selling the house and contacted him by e mail about the offer made. His reply used the fewest words possible - it feels like rejection all over again.

I have not officially said that I was doing no contact - I didn't need to. We went from ok marriage to him living with OW and no contact from him almost overnight. It has been over 2 years now and I am still finding it so hard. Kids have left home, I'm selling the house and moving somewhere smaller and I'm getting divorced. I am generally very strong, but I am just feeling so lousy at the moment. It will get better I know, but when will I stop wanting him back in my life?

The other day my daughter said did you hear from dad that he has had good news about his skin cancer? NO! (mind you, he hadn't told his dad either).

I can see that he loves this other woman but how can he forget ALL about me? Will that ever change? He, unlike some spouses, has not blamed me for anything or said the marriage was bad, he just said it was over. I just still can't get it into my head. What will it take for it to sink in? BTW once I am divorced and house sale has gone through, I am changing my name, address, e mail, phone number etc. So that, even though he will make no attempt to contact me, I will have the pleasure of knowing that he would find it difficult if he did.

hey Jules..



you remember BWA?? gosh it took her a number of years to finally feel okay. I think two years is just the beginning. Can you at least have days where you are okay? More than one in a row?

He didn't forget all about you Jules. I promise you... he just compartmentalizes it better than you do.

quote:

What will it take for it to sink in?

time sweetie.. and maybe when you've moved and settled into a new place.. changed your name.. that will all help.

Loui

Thanks Loui

I just needed a 'there, there' pill.

I have better days - in fact some of my married friends sometimes look at me as though my life is full of promise. But I have lost so much - first the death of my son, then my husband leaving, death of a close friend, loss of most of my h's family, the kids leaving home and now selling the house. I know that I can balance some of these with the kindness of friends and strangers (on this site for example), but my heart just yearns for what is gone.

I must just keep, keeping on, I guess.
Thank goodness for this site, so I can say what I feel.

I've been reading Jules. My heart goes out to you. I could very well be right were you are now...and I know exactly how you feel.

Somehow, I think you are making the right decision to move forward. I know it's hard and I know you are so hurt...but I have a feeling that things won't always be quite so wonderful for your husband.

Isn't our Mags just the best? It's always tragic what brings us to this site, but then the people here are all amazing folks. Sounds like you are one of them!!!

All the best to you and happy house hunting. My good friend lives in Broughton, Hampshire and it amazes me the housing, vs what the same amount of $ will get here vs there.

Hi Sandy,

thanks for the kind words. I have just been reading over your past threads and see that after a lot of heartache your marriage has reconciled. I am so pleased for you and your daughter - it is so good to see that things can work out and with all that you have learnt, you can make a better, stronger marriage.

It is now over 2 years since my h left and I think I am just going through another of the down patches on the road to healing. I hate the decent into the darkness that comes with winter, it coincides with most of the sad things that have happened in my life. The upside is that the new year will bring a fresh start and we will be moving into the light again.

House prices have been silly here but are rapidly falling. I am having panic attacks about the house I have picked out, but I now recognise that what I am feeling is all part and parcel of the break up. IT WILL GET BETTER!

Good wishes to you and your family, and yes, Mags IS the best!
Jules

you GUUUUUYS lordy i was too embarassed to post for 2 days!

(sigh) Jules you sure have had a rough ride. But your friends looking at you as though you're life is full of promise - that's a great reminder of how full of promise it is. The world is your oyster. It's so easy to remember the good from the past and focus on the fears for the future, but then again sometimes we look back on those times as times of such..... potential. I remember those times - finishing school, finishing uni, etc. Of course it's very different without the sting of disappointment and hurt in the past. But still, those times that just seemed scary at the time... well looking back they were exciting new beginnings. I know it's not the same - when you're that young you feel like everything will work out your way somehow. When you're older you don't have that faith, and there's loss to deal with. My mum's passing destroyed that faith for me - that's when you realise that in some situations there's no 'upside', no 'positive learning experience' that is enough to make up for the loss. BUT.... the world keeps turning and there are still new, SCARY, beginnings, like my bub is for me now.

Happy househunting!