Mrs. Hold and D12 spent last week in Florida at synchro nationals. D12's team did well and they had a great time at theme parks afterward. They came home on Saturday. S14 and I spent Saturday powerwashing everything (wooden deck, windows, concrete porch) with a rental machine from Home Depot.

Saturday was our anniversary, so when Mrs. Hold and D14 got home that evening, I gave Mrs. Hold her cards and gift. Thoughtful but inexpensive. She expressed gratitude and surprise. She got me nothing. No card. Nothing.

I can't believe it hurt. But it did.

This too is part of my getting what I signed up for. If I want something different, I must change. Behave differently. Maybe change jobs. Likely leave Mrs. Hold. I am living the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and wishing for a different result.

I asked for withdrawal and gave withdrawal and got withdrawal. What I signed up for. So why do I feel like complaining?

Wow. What disorder is it that makes you permanently unhappy and entirely unwilling to change it? Some sort of major clinical depression?

I'm glad they had a good time. Do you truly mean synchronized swimming? If so, woohoo! I was on the club team when I was in college. Had never done it before that so never got very good, but loved to try.

Personality disorder. My last psychiatrist said I need daily analysis for a couple fo years to overcome it. I refused to sign up for that. My choice. My consequences.

Yes, synchronized swimming. D12 is good. She qualified for nationals both as a solist in her age group and as part of a team in the next older age group. She is a dolphin who loves to swim so 10 hours a week in the pool is a dream for her. And luckily she likes the other girls on the team.

I read about an experimental treatment for depression that is being offered nearby. I called today and asked them to mail me materials so I can sign up. My wife thinks it is pointless because I don't have depression I have a personality disorder. Maybe she is right. But I figure it can't hurt to try the new drug since I am not willing to undergo the treatment for personality disorder at this time.

Why an experimental treatment for depression and not the treatment a doctor says you need for the personality disorder?

The treatment the doctor said I need for personality disorder is daily therapy for several years. That is not covered by our health insurance. I would have to pay out of pocket. At least $700 per week. I am not prepared to make the lifestyle changes required to free up that kind of cash. Others would say I am crazy not to. This is where being pessimistic hurts me. I just don't think it will work. What will he say daily that hasn't been said many times over the years? I am also looking into another form of therapy that seems to work with personality disorders, but so far can't find anyone in my area who offers it. Until then, AD meds will have to do to "paper over" the problem.

Hmmmmm......

Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmm.

Can I be blunt?

P

quote:

Originally posted by Penny_SYMC:
Can I be blunt?

Of course.

Not only that, but you can even be blunt in public!

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So leave us hangin why doncha?

I'm wondering what P is going to say, too.

Sorry. I've been gone quite a bit, working on some difficult things, AND sleep deprived. My usual Sagitarian bluntness was degenerating into simple crankiness (with a little bit of incoherence just for fun).

I don't deny the reality of personality disorders or mental illnesses. I want to say that up front.

And....

I see over and over again how we, many of us, use those labels as an excuse to stay stuck -- to avoid facing the really hard and painful work of transforming our internal landscapes.

What is a personality disorder? Mayo Clinic says:

quote:

Personality disorder is a general term for a type of mental illness in which your ways of thinking, perceiving situations and relating to others are dysfunctional. There are many specific types of personality disorders.

In general, having a personality disorder means you have a rigid and potentially self-destructive or self-denigrating pattern of thinking and behaving no matter what the situation. This leads to distress in your life or impairment of your ability to go about routine functions at work, school or social situations. In some cases, you may not realize that you have a personality disorder because your way of thinking and behaving seems natural to you, and you may blame others for your circumstances.

Ok. So what???

You have something that makes it difficult to interact. Welcome to the human race. Do you want to change it? Then you have to do the work. No one can do it for you. Contrary to the onslaught of ads night after night on tv no drug in the world is going to fix it. No treatment is going to fix it. No miracle cure is going to make the scary, painful stuff go away.

The only way it gets better is when YOU decide at the core of your being you want to heal nothing will stand in your way. Until you get there nothing and no one can make it happen for you.

People and situations can (and do!) lead, facilitate, support, push, pull, hold space, and co-create opportunities for healing. I'm finding some of the most profound opportunities for my growth and healing have come in the form of what looks like really horrendous betrayal. I'm learning to be grateful for things I thought I'd never survive. Choking on it some days ... but learning.

So do you need hundreds of dollars of therapy doled out by someone else in order to find your Self? Bullshit. Sure, it might be useful, when you decide at your core you want to heal. Until then ....pffft. Just another excuse to say, "I tried this and it didn't work. It's hopeless. *I'm* hopeless."

I spent last weekend at a retreat. A fire circle event that starts at midnight and goes until sun up. Participants walk the fire, stand, or sit on the ground around a smaller fire. It is designed to be not only physically demanding but physically exhausting for people of normal physical capabilities.

We had a woman attend who is physically challenged on a scale you and I would consider pretty significant. She calls it mild. She has some kind of hip deformity that pulls her knees tightly together making walking slow and difficult. She took more than one face dive into the dirt over the course of the weekend. Where the rest of us could walk and dance and run around the fire she hobbled. With difficulty.

She had every right in the world to say, "I am physically impaired and can't do this work. I am broken." To be really honest there were a few of us who wondered how on earth she was going to get from the dinner tent to the circle -- much less move around it for 6 or 7 hours.

But she did it. With grace and dignity, determination and good humor. There were some face dives into the dirt ... and many were inspired to tears as she encouraged herself, out loud, to get back up and stand again.

What this woman so clearly demonstrated in the physical plane is what we all deal with emotionally, and mentally, and spiritually, and psychologically. It was simply made visible because it was physical.

When we get outside our western, and particularly American, way of thinking that includes, blame, abdication responsibility and power, belief that healing comes in a pill, belief that healing is external to our Selves .... when we get beyond that AND we get real about getting intimate with fear and pain then real healing begins.

I've been dealing with perhaps the most painful and traumatic year of my life. And I'm struggling. Struggling and ******, frankly. I have to keep hauling my butt out of the blame hole, out of the pity pot, away from a desperate instinct to run or distract. I don't like it one little bit. I read Pema Chodron's work on fear and loss and uncertainty and sometimes it just pisses me off more when she hits those sensitive spots with so much accuracy.

I really really really really really want someone else to make it better. A pill, a person, a therapist, a cookie, anything. Believe me, I think I've tried them all. Didn't work. Can't work. The only one who can look in the mirrors that are held up for me and work the healing that's needed is me.

I don't have a personality disorder, you say? I dunno. Jennifer Harley hinted I did. You know what I say to that -- so what??? If you think there's any way in hell I'm going to let Jennifer Harley's opinion decide whether or not I have a fulfilling and joyful life you are dead wrong.

You wanna find your Self? Only you can make that happen.

P

Mrs. Hold has been sick since Monday. Which was good timing, since D12's Bat Mitzvah was this past weekend and it is much better to get sick the day after than the day before!

Today Mrs. Hold went to the clinic and was told she has pneumonia. Not surprising given how awful she sounds (which is why I strongly suggested she go to the clinic today). They gave her a prescription. She asked me to pick it up on the way home. I refused. She got very upset, until I explained I wasn't refusing to help her, I was refusing to allow her to wait the many hours until I will get home to start taking her medicine. So she is going to drop the prescription off on her way home (she was adamant about not waiting in the pharmacy for the prescription to be filled - my first suggestion), and then pick it up when she picks up D12 from school in an hour. Wow, this may be our first POJA ever! Penny will appreciate what an accomplishment this is for us.

I have been doing occasional drive by honesty the past few weeks. Every so often I mention something I like sexually. Today, we had a different kind of drive by honesty.

She said the clinic told her to take it easy for a few weeks (no gym). I said then I guess I'll be in the living room for a while longer (I have been there since Monday). We joked about how awful it will be for her to not be bothered by my snoring, bad breath, hairiness, etc. for several weeks. At one point she said "eventually you will have to move back in to our bedroom". I said "you are never getting me back into the bedroom". She asked "are you joking or serious". I said "a little of both". She asked again "are you serious?" I said "yes, partly".

That would be a major change in our relationship. If I stayed in the living room after she recovers from her illness. That would make our emotional estrangement crystal clear to the kids. And set an example I am not happy setting. We shall see what happens when she recovers.

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