quote:

I try to tolerate the "he," because I do not believe Deity has any particular need or use for genitals.

ROFL! Me either.

Did you happen to see ZPs discussion with hPK on the topic of God's gender?

~~~

Erm, back to your regularly checked thread.

Regina

quote:

About this particular subject (not being able to find a job)...

You idiot, you should have known it would be like this. What the hell were you thinking moving to another country in the first place? For crying out loud, you're over 40, fat, and you haven't worked in five years now. Who'd ever hire you now? Everyone said this would be a mistake, why didn't you listen? YOU KNEW it would be a mistake, remember all those doubts, well now you're paying for it.

I could go on... but I think you get the drift.

Mmmmmm...... so I'n hearing guilt and shame. But since your relationship with yourself is an intimate relationshiop the core hurt is going to be deeper than that.

(I have a theory about CH's and how they have connecting lines from the lesser ones to the deeper but that's a different thread.... )

So...... is it possible that you're feeling inadequate and unloveable? Because you thought you could get a job and it's been difficult? Because employers are rejecting you?

Nyneve, how's the shaking? If it's worse now, that's ok....you're ok.....let your body shake if that's what it needs to do.

Ah, LB, I have the afghan my grandmother crocheted and it's wrapped around me. Great idea.

quote:

Originally posted by Regina SYMC:

I shouldn't have married my husband either. I had sex with him against my better judgment and got pregnant. I wasn't done with college and had no money.

It's been AWFUL.

Do you still like me? I still like and respect you, Nyn. I still like myself (more now than ever). Do you think you can find the you you "used to" be, and be her again? I think you can, even if you don't like this angry side of yourself.

Regina

When you said, "Do you still like me?" I laughed to myself. Well duh, I thought, why wouldn't I like you?

ding. ding. ding.

Oh, I get it.

The girl I used to be? Sheesh, I feel like I'm in suspend-mode at least until I get this breast thing squared away, which in my brain I *know* is silly since I need to LIVE ***right now***.

(Two more months until I can get the next sonogram, by the way)

quote:

The shame comes from my mother constantly telling me that I was too talkative and should learn to keep my mouth shut.

Convo with my Gma when I was...10?

R's Gma: It's wrong to talk about other people.

R: Why?

Gma: Because the Bible says so.

R: Even if it's good?

Gma: It's gossip, and gossip is wrong.

R: Even if it's to say, "This person is a very smart and wonderful person."

Gma: Yes, even then. It's gossip unless you say it to the person.

R: Is it gossip to say, "So-and-so loves Jesus?"

Gma: Yes, it's still gossip.

R: Why?

Gma: Because the Bible says talking about people is wrong.

R: Hmm...I guess I'll just gossip some of the time then. I think it's okay to say nice things about people.

[R knew by this time that saying, "Why do you talk about people then, Gma?" would have been met with much anger.]

Regina

quote:

And then there's the shame of what's to come... the part where I tell you that I never should have come here, that it was a mistake and now I'm stuck here. Trapped.

Ok, for a moment, I'm going to assume that you are right. You never should have gone there and you are stuck - you made a mistake.

OMG! You made a mistake! *Gasp* Just like all of us, N. We all make mistakes. It is part of the human condition. You aren't perfect. Ok. Neither am I. Let's be imperfect together, shall we? For a minute, two, a day, two...until you are comfortable with it...just be imperfect. Feel the weight of the expectation of perfection drop from your shoulders.

quote:

I love my H sooooooooooooooooooooo much. He is such a loving and dear man. He didn't ask for me to be like this and didn't expect it. I was happy at the beginning. We had all those crazy chemicals that P writes about floating around.

I could write exactly the same thing. You don't expect the bumps. Perhaps that's why they are so unnerving.

quote:

and I'd be a good step-mum to his kids...We hardly ever see his kids and they are damaged in ways I can't explain here (they are now 17 and 14)... we've forged a friendship of sorts, but nothing more.

Since you see your kids pretty often, and the immigration issues are quite beyond my comprehension - let's focus on this one (WHEN YOU ARE READY. YOU CAN READ THIS NOW AND RESPOND WHEN YOU ARE READY. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO NOW.), shall we?

Define a "good stepmom." What does that entail? Describe to me a "good stepmom."

How does that differ from a friendship?

quote:

to be fair, my ex-H has bought me more airline tickets than I've bought myself.

What about this bothers you?

quote:

I think I need to sit back and think a bit here... I seriously am shaking inside.

Take your time. Breathe. Go outside and smell the air...feel the breeze in your hair...and grab my hand if you want.

By default, you have my work #, because it is always in my emails. Call it if your hold on my hand seems too loose.

quote:

Originally posted by Penny_SYMC:

[quote]Mmmmmm...... so I'n hearing guilt and shame.

No fair. You knew this already. Yes, very deep guilt and shame.

quote:

So...... is it possible that you're feeling inadequate and unloveable? Because you thought you could get a job and it's been difficult? Because employers are rejecting you?

Yes, that's true. But dang, I can't even get past most doors for an interview, so it's hard to blame it on me - as in how I look or interview. I've redone my resume ten times, taken it to a headhunter, an employment help center, friends, my H, my mother, everyone. It's perfect.

It's because I'm American, I swear. They won't take my credentials, education or work experience here. I've heard it time and time again from others - even doctors!

This week I went to two gov't office seeking funding for opening my own business like I had in the States (advocacy for people with disabilities). I had my own business for five years and worked at the college for ten. Know what they said? Without credit, no help. They won't look at US credit. If I were a refuge, I could get grants. But I'm not. I can start my own business for $68, but I won't get help or seed money.

OH, and they said that this is usual and normal, which is why my H had to sign a document promising to support me for ten years. THEY (immigration) KNOW it's this bad but they don't tell you.

OH OH, and did I tell you that three weeks before my immigration was approved they called me and told me I would have to sign a document that would not allow my son to be sponsored in Canada (because of his disabilities). Here I was, married for two years by then, and being told my son wasn't welcome. What the hell was I suppose to do THEN?

I am VERY ANGRY about my treatment in this country. However, there are some wonderful and supportive individuals here...

I can feel my heart racing... I am so SO PISSED OFF about this.

quote:

It's because I'm American, I swear.

Hmmm...

Is it because you are American or because they have prejudices against Americans? In other words, is it really about you at all?

quote:

So...... is it possible that you're feeling inadequate and unloveable

Penny, don't play dumb used-to-be-blonde with us. If I've already noticed that the core hurts usually are the same (inadequate, unloveable, unvalued) - surely you have.

Aloha Nyneve,

Coming out of lurkdom to visit someone special.

quote:

Sometimes, if I look into my eyes, I see kindness and goodness there

As they say, "The eyes are the windows to the soul" and I think you have described you and your soul perfectly. I'm sure that's why people look into other people's eyes to see what's inside. The outside just doesn't tell the true story.

IMHO, I think it would do you good to look into your eyes more often; so you get to see what we all see. Hummmm? I wonder why God made us so we could see the rest of your body but not our eyes without help; which really tell us the truth about ourselves? Maybe it's because we really need to see ourselves through His eyes and not our own.

I just wanted you to know that you truly are a "Priceless Work of Art". And we love you to pieces.

BTW - I would have guessed (Ninava). But that's just me.

Love in Christ.

S&C

How about this. Are you feeling inadequate and unloveable because you left a marriage and a job and now you can't do what you love? Is there shame and guilt around this issue tied to that?

Tak, I'll save the step mom stuff for later...

But I do want to address the issues with my kids and their dad:

I should have said, up until this year I saw my kids frequently. I haven't seen my oldest daughter or my son since my grandmother's funeral in February. My middle daughter came here on a road trip with her fiance over the summer (which was fabulous).

I talk to my son daily and my daughter's about twice a week. Thank GOD our relationship is solid. My kids love me... there is absolutely NO DOUBT about that. THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD...

My ex.... aaaach... where to go with this. When he buys me tickets it makes me feel bad because he's no longer my H and I shouldn't be relying on him. It makes me H feel bad because he can't take care of me and of ALL PEOPLE the LAST PERSON he wants helping me (us) is my ex. My ex has been generous and even sent money for food before, in fact several times.

My ex is a Christian man and says that he'd rather see the money help someone he cares about rather than a stranger. He has it, so he shares it. Now, to be frank, he probably had it while we were still married (he hid it) and I should have gotten something when we divorced but I felt so guilty that I left with basically the shirt on my back and my own retirement money (1/4 the amount of his own retirement account at the time). Everyone (who the heck are these people?) says I deserve every penny he gives me. But it makes me feel bad. But relieved. If that makes sense...

It's hard for me and it blurs the *ex* lines in a way that is uncomfortable for me. But I feel desperate sometimes and accept it when offered.

I HATE THIS.

I lost my internet connection. I'm catching up now.

quote:

I'm so over-protective of my H it's ridiculous. My mother has said it and my therapist has said it. I have a hard time saying anything negative (or even suggesting negativity) because he's so tender-hearted and damaged himself. So, I usually just don't 'go there'... occasionally, I do... always with dubious results, if not devistating.

Hmmm...do you ever feel that you are walking on eggshells?

I, too, think that you are protecting him at your own expense. The negativity hasn't gone away, it has just stayed inside you. It will fester like a wound.

What happens if you state something in a feeling statement, "I feel xyz when you xyz." ?

Oh, S & C, THANK YOU!

Okay, P, here we go:

quote:

Originally posted by Penny_SYMC:
How about this. Are you feeling inadequate and unloveable because you left a marriage and a job and now you can't do what you love? Is there shame and guilt around this issue tied to that?

Yes, although I *think* I feel that I left my CHILDREN and MY JOB. I believe that the divorce was necessary, though I also believe that had I stayed in California we would have eventually gotten back together (good or bad, don't know about that).

Doing what I love -- ABSOLUTELY. I have no family to take care of and I love that. I have no people to nurture, support or train to use skills for self-advocacy and I love that.

Now, of course, I have my darling H, and I do enjoy taking care of him. He's very appreciative, too. I miss though, this mushy Walton-Mountain feeling of family and friends that I once had...

And I'm sick of suffering financially, which seemed somehow easier in my younger days when my kids were little... and we all clung to eachother... together, you know?

My biggest fear right now is that I'll get bad news about this breast thing and die here. I'm being honest. I will die here and then what will all of this had been for?

I left my family, my job and my country to follow some dream of love... and all I got was this crummy t-shirt.

quote:

I talk to my son daily and my daughter's about twice a week. Thank GOD our relationship is solid. My kids love me... there is absolutely NO DOUBT about that. THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD...

And how does THIS make you feel? We've delved a little into the hurt...let's delve a little into this. How does it feel to be loved by them?

Gee whiz... two husbands and all those eggshells, eh Tak?

My first H was a threatening man to me. Always an underlying threat of violence, well, when he wasn't being a sweetheart. That's what they do, isn't it?

My second H, my dear H, is very much like me. It's hard to get very mad at him because he's hurting so much. Damaged, broken, and hurting.

But yes, a lot of eggshells to navigate.

quote:

Originally posted by *Tak* SYMC:

quote:

I talk to my son daily and my daughter's about twice a week. Thank GOD our relationship is solid. My kids love me... there is absolutely NO DOUBT about that. THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD...

And how does THIS make you feel? We've delved a little into the hurt...let's delve a little into this. How does it feel to be loved by them?

Well, I guess I should go make dinner... I'll be on and off this evening...

But I wanted to answer this:

I feel:

...like my heart and soul joined together and filled up my entire body... from head to toe...

(I'm picturing puffer fish)

I am utterly blessed.

quote:

OH OH, and did I tell you that three weeks before my immigration was approved they called me and told me I would have to sign a document that would not allow my son to be sponsored in Canada (because of his disabilities). Here I was, married for two years by then, and being told my son wasn't welcome.

That's pretty twisted.

quote:

...like my heart and soul joined together and filled up my entire body... from head to toe...

Remember this feeling. Call it up when you start to feel down.