Hi, I am curious how long the protection phase should continue-until he ends the affair? What is this phase suppose to instill in my partner, I understand the self-care and moving on with my life aspect. Is it about him realizing how much he misses me? I am not contacting him, but he keeps calling me and wanting to hear my voice. I know he was just away for the long weekend with the girlfriend again so is he really learning anything. I find this phase is helping me keep my thoughts on positive things and not dwelling on him and what he may or may not be doing. Any clarification or words of wisdom would be great! Thank you.

Well as you outlined one of it's biggest purposes is to protect yourself. Are you in PP? If so, can I ask how you know he went away with OW?

Yes, it should be until the affair ends and he recommits to the mariage. Maybe longer.

As for what it's supposed to instill in him. First, if you are in contact with him you are meeting some of his needs. You help fill voids OW is not. It also conveys a message that sitting onthe fence (not makinga decision) can't go on indefinately. Hopefully it instills a sense of urgency.

Have you downloaded and read Penny's ebook? http://www.booklocker.com/books/2116.html

It explains much better than I could.

quote:

It also conveys a message that sitting on the fence (not making a decision) can't go on indefinitely. Hopefully it instills a sense of urgency

I was in PP...just now came out of it. My thread is now on the marriage 911...Heartbroken Mommy and Daddy's little girl.

It has been just over 10 months since d-day. I felt the same way you do right now. And what Sleepy said above, trust me....it is very, very true.

It did for me, what I think would never have happened, if I hadn't gone into PP.

It looks as if we are in the very beginning stages of recovery of our marriage.

I understand how difficult PP can be for you, but I also KNOW how much you will come to learn about yourself and your strengths from it. So that you will be able to at some point, either hopefully recover your marriage, or be at a place in your life that you know, no matter what, you will get through this. It protects you from the further destruction you could do to your marriage by continued contact, displaying anger etc or as sleepy said, giving him the "fix" he needs from you. If that "fix" goes badly, due to anger, hurt etc....well in his mind right now, you have just given him vindication of why this affair is the right thing for him to do.

Penny always told me, during that very fragile time....you are the greatest threat to your marriage at that point...not the AP. She was right. So I got with the program. Yes, I did fall off the wagon a few times..but I would quickly hop back on because when I was with the program, I felt much better then when I wasn't. It controlled the hurt and the anger on my end. It gave me back control in my life, which I felt when I found out about the affair, had been ripped from me. That's the hardest part of being the BS. Your choices have been taken from you. Your WS can't give that back to you, you have to reclaim it.

I wish you and your family all the best.

Gaylene..

A few things as well..

Did you formally send your H a letter stating that you want him to respect your wishes for No contact?

Have you spoken with anyone here about setting up provisions for an email intermediary for communication that is necessary, so you don't have to.

Everytime he calls and everytime you pick up you fill a need. Everytime you think about what he's doing and who he is with you have what is called indirect contact.

Read Penny's book.
And if you decide are truly in PP or you want to be, after you've read the book, let us know. We will discuss the next step.

Loui

Unfortunately Gaylene.. that is the way it usually works. Contact with him in anyway reinforces and gives him an addictive "fix" for his connection with you. Which is also why he wants you both. You fill certain needs for him that OW doesn't.

Email Penny about what is called and Email Intermediary. They would be the ones that any and all necessary communication would go thru. It effectively cuts off all communication directly with you.

How do you know if he's ready to come home? Oh.. you'll know. He'll make it perfectly clear in his actions. They will match his words.

Loui

quote:

How do you know if he's ready to come home? Oh.. you'll know. He'll make it perfectly clear in his actions. They will match his words.

I can personally vouch for this.

My H's affair was with a co worker who was much, much younger. It was 10 months on the 22nd July since this all started. He is a few hundred miles away as well.

I started NC back in November I think. Then went into PP. Came out of that the past few weeks and it appears as if H is working his way home. His actions and words are beginning to match, loud and clear. I see not the confused stranger, but the man I have always known and loved.

NC is hard Gaylene. I won't tell you it isn't. But, it gives your H time to realize what he's missing. What he is putting in jeopardy. I felt the same way, it will send my H right to her. That can sometimes be a good thing. When the AP has to start seeing his confusion over what you are doing coming from him and why you won't talk to him etc...well it forces him to a bit of accountability. Takes away the fence sitting and cake eating, at least when it is aimed at you. That was the hardest part for me, his inability to get off of that fence. It also lets the AP see a side that might not be quite so wonderful, which can really throw a wrench in the infatuation with all of it The point is, he is not able to take you on the roller coaster ride with him. It's all back on him and you go forward and start working on healing yourself and getting stronger. When a good dose of reality hits the affair, sometimes it doesn't seem quite so appealing. Also, it will allow you to start working on yourself. It will lesson your anxiety that contact brings. I would find myself when in contact with my H...constantly thinking about him and her. Where were they, what were they doing, how could he do this and on and on and on. I kept myself in turmoil. When I initiated NC..I found myself turning that energy into working on me. Doing things I never thought I could And when I accomplished those task, it gave me an empowerment over my own space and emotions and made me feel so good.

I know so well what you are feeling. My H and I have a little girl and she really went through the wringer with all of this. But NC and PP helped protect her as well. From the ugliness that most likely would have ensued had I not found SYMC.

Hang in there. And speak to Penny about an EI.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Sandy,

ummm.. Sandy.. sweetie..

ya got it a wee bit backwards.. but the thought is there.

PP is all about the person in Protection Phase. NOT about the wayward spouse. Now one can hope that all those things DO occur while one is in NC/PP.. but the purpose of PP is:

for the individual who intiates PP in the marriage.

PP is a strategy to protect the hurting or betrayed spouse from the daily pain of the affair or destructive behavior, to protect the straying or offending spouse from the inevitable anger and backlash of the hurting spouse, and most of all to protect the marriage from further destruction due to continued contact by the spouses.

Protection Phase is defined by both no contact and by turning the focus of the hurting spouse away from the marriage and the destructive actions of the betraying mate.


Loui

quote:

Protection Phase is defined by both no contact and by turning the focus of the hurting spouse away from the marriage and the destructive actions of the betraying mate..

And this is what I was getting at in my post above. And I was encouraged daily it seems to gain strength within myself so that I could face whatever might come along. Be it recovery or not.