This is out of my own curiosity in attempting to see what my H is thinking. And to also prepare myself *if* he should come home. (I'll be posting another thread on how to prepare for him not coming home too). If it's too personal or triggering to answer, that's fine.

What made you come back to your spouse?
Was is something s/he said or did?
Was is something the AP said or did?
Was is something internal?
A combination?

Once you were home what did you do to comfort your spouse? Did s/he ask for that or was is something you just did? Was it successful? Why/Why not?

Did your spouse do anything for you to help you heal? Did you ask for it? Successful? Why? Why not?

thanx! :-)

Hi,
FWW here. When I decided to stay with my H, in my dense dense fog and withdrawls, I needed to feel that I could be happy in our marriage. I didn't want to go back out of duty. I remember this feeling that I didn't want my life to be wasted...that life was short and I wanted to live it.

My husband put pictures all around the house of our children, of significant events in our life...of happy times. It really made me think of our long term history of happiness together. It made me think of our children who needed us, and how much of a connection we used to have.

What was the final thing that convinced me to give our marriage a try? After MC one night, we went out to get a bite to eat. We were talking about MC and stuff and I asked him: "Why do you still want to be married to me after everything I've done?" He pulled out his wallet and showed me a list of reasons why he loved me and wanted to save our marriage. It was one of those defining moments where I thought - wow, he really loves me. He made that list long before I asked, because he had thought the same question I had, and concluded he really did love me.

More than anything though, he was a very supportive and loving H. He stood by me through it all. He was my hero, who proved that he loved me - even after I did a horrible thing to him. I'm just very sorry I put him through all that. Wish it had never gotten to that point.

Thinking good thoughts that your H returns.
GS

PS - oops, forgot the last part of your questions. I needed to get through withdrawls before I was any good to my H, but even so, the first thing I tried to do was answer all his questions about the A with honesty. No hiding stuff, even when it hurt. It was building trust and safety again.

What did he do for me? Well..hmmm, he listened, even when it hurt to hear. Now that we are farther into recovery, he is helping me understand guilt and shame. Only I can deal with this, but he is always telling me positive things to build up my sense of self-worth, which was at an all time low.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: GS_SYMC,

quote:

What made you come back to your spouse?

Never wanted to leave. W was always more attractive to me, both physically and emotionally.

quote:

Was is something s/he said or did?

Like I said, I never wanted to leave. However I likely would have tried to maintain "friendships" with OW and that whole circle of friends if given a sliver of an indication that that would have been possible. Wife was very convincing when she laid down the boundaries for saving our M. If you lay down boundaries you must stick to them. If you allow them to be broken the WS will waffle.

quote:

Once you were home what did you do to comfort your spouse? Did s/he ask for that or was is something you just did? Was it successful? Why/Why not?

I was professionally coached through the process. I accounted for all time (still do), changed phone #'s, email accounts etc. I listened when she grieved being sensative to her hurt. We cried together. Did I succeed in comforting her? I think I did, atleast to some degree. That's probably a questions to ask her.

quote:

Did your spouse do anything for you to help you heal? Did you ask for it? Successful? Why? Why not?

Absolutely! My W has been the best. She's never held my A against me (with the exception of the occasional teasing or joke which I don't mind and usually join her in laughing). To look at us now you would never known it happened. She lifts me when I get down. If I had returned home to bitterness and resentment we wouldn't have made it - she understood that and responded accordingly. But more than that she didn't want to live that way. KWIM?

Thanx GS and Sleepy.

I find it somewhat comforting to get inside his head.

Sleepy... your answers sound a lot like what my H has told me. He has said many times he never wanted to leave, he always wanted me, he appreciates that I am still here b/c what he expected was me to turn and run-- fast and long.

I guess my next question is, what changed inside you that made you end the affair?

quote:

I guess my next question is, what changed inside you that made you end the affair?

OW's personality came out. I found she wasn't the nicest person I had ever met.

I should clarify, I had only tried to end my A. I wasn't successful. OW threatening to expose etc. to keep the A going. I had decided to confess to my W but too late OW exposed before I had the chance.

Sleepy,

again, your answer rings a bell w/ some of the things my H has said to me about OW.

thanx again!

Good timing for your questions heh?

Hey, I wanted to encourage you to read GS and Beav's replys on Daves thread. They kind of chronicle the coming through the A and withdrawl etc. They are a perfect example of when everything goes textbook. It's worth reading.