I am afraid to tell you who I am, because if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all that I have. ~from Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? By John Powell, S.J.

You (the collective "you" here at SYMC) probably think you know me fairly well. I certainly "talk" enough, don't I? I've touched on this here before... about how I talk and talk and talk... but say so little about myself.

When I have attempted to actually share myself, ~my authentic self~ I have felt shame... in real life and even here at SYMC. Possibly because of my sensitivity, all it takes is one person saying,
"Don't...
... feel that way..."
...be silly..."
...borrow trouble..."
...worry until you have something to worry about..."

These messages convey that what I have shared, what I am worrying about... is not... what?... valid... important... healthy... ???

And so I retreat into my cave. Perhaps I will talk about everything-and-nothing from the cave... perhaps I will hide-out and be silent...

And in the naked night I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more,
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never shared.
No one dared
Disturb the sounds of silence.
~ Sounds of Silence by Paul Simon

Several years ago, I joined classmates.com. I had wanted to reconnect with a cherished girlfriend I'd lost touch with... and it was lovely when she contacted me. But that's not the person I wish to talk about right now. The person who I want to talk about was someone I had purposely cut ties with years before. We'd been ˜very best friends' in Jr. High. She had been my next-door neighbor for ten years. We'd known each other very, very well. It had never occurred to me that this particular woman would try to find me. (I can be pretty naïve at times.) And so, this woman contacted me. I was polite, but careful. We talked over the course of several days about the things of the past, and then she said something:

"You were always that way, " she said... "Close yourself off when things get too personal. I never really felt that I truly knew you."

Nobody had ever said that, or anything even *like * that to me. Ever. Usually people told me to be quiet, stop talking so much, learn how to be private, know when to shut up.

I think that's when I began to share myself, or at least attempt to... but it's amazing the mixed-messages we get in society, in our families, among our friends. "Be honest with me..." is quickly followed with... "...but not THAT honest..."

I think all my threads this year have been leading up to this one. Do I dare be authentic?

I know that some will say that what others think of me (or of you) should not matter. Being your authentic self is personal integrity at its core.

I envy people who do this. Live this. I have only begun this leg of my own journey. It's a risk. Because I care. I care what you think.

Earlier this year my grandmother died, as most of you know. She was the one person who knew me my entire life and loved me unconditionally. And now she's gone. I've lost that safety-net built of love... that knew... no matter what I did... there was love. I miss *her * as my grandmother and friend... but even more... I miss knowing that she was out there, breathing my air, and holding my heart. I needed that because she was the one person who I was completely myself with... no mask... no cave that she wouldn't fight the bears and demons and baddies to get through... to find me. To love me.

And so... this is my human hiding place... in the cave... trying to come out and feel the warmth of the sun... taking a chance...

I know it's an anonymous message board. There is some measure of safety in that, isn't there? So why is it that we (me, first) still feel afraid of sharing who we are?

Hi Nyneve. I still like you. Nice cave you've got here. I'm glad there's a spot for sunshine, too, when you want to come out and bask in it.

Let me ask you two questions....

Can you define authenticity?

Do you think we are authentic in different ways with different people?

Is it possible that others are hiding in much the same way you are but we can't really tell from the outside looking in?

Opps!! That's three questions

P

Hi J,

While I thank you very much for saying you like me (and it is nice to hear )... I am wondering if it seems like I just needed to hear it... because again, while it's nice, it is not the direction I *expected* this thread to go. Hmmm... me, expectations... Hmmm...

quote:

Originally posted by Penny_SYMC:
Can you define authenticity?

Interesting that you'd pull out that word... because I almost used "honesty"... but authenticity denotes something deeper, I think.

This is strictly MY understanding and what I mean when I say "authenticity":

Authenticity is the ability to know yourself and **be** yourself no matter what the situation.

quote:

Do you think we are authentic in different ways with different people?

Absolutely. Although I suspect that if we were to strive to be fully authentic with everyone in our lives (even the negative someone's) it would feel the same.

quote:

Is it possible that others are hiding in much the same way you are but we can't really tell from the outside looking in?

YES, big-time YES. I know this in my bones. That's why I wrote this... not just for me... but maybe for others to think about in their own lives.

So when you say, "know yourself" what do you mean?

P

quote:

Originally posted by Penny_SYMC:
So when you say, "know yourself" what do you mean?

P

Hmmm... I mean *see* yourself for who you truly are -- dark shadowy places, sunny bright places, painful hurty places and ugly monster places -- and embrace all of you, as a whole.

quote:

And in the naked night I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more,
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never shared.
No one dared
Disturb the sounds of silence.
~ Sounds of Silence by Paul Simon

That part of the song always touched a part of me way deep inside, and I have always felt a deep sorrow when I've heard it played.

quote:

I care what you think.

Since you care and all, I'll tell you what I think of you

I think that you're someone I would want to be neighbors or friends with. I like you. I get the impression that there's much more to like if I only knew you better.

It's funny, Nyneve, that I don't usually think to tell people that I like them, what I like about them, or that I care about them. It usually takes something like this for me to share it. The reason? I think that they really don't give a you-know-what what I think. After all, it's just me and I'm sure that they have "better" people in their lives whose opinions they do care about.

I think that we can be authentic without sharing every detail of ourselves. I think that authenticity comes through even when we don't know much about a person. That is exactly the impression that I've gotten from you--that you're authentic. I think it's a big part of why I like you.

quote:

Hmmm... I mean *see* yourself for who you truly are -- dark shadowy places, sunny bright places, painful hurty places and ugly monster places -- and embrace all of you, as a whole.

So then, what's the difference, if there is any, between knowing yourself and being yourself? Or being authentic?

quote:

Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
I think that we can be authentic without sharing every detail of ourselves. I think that authenticity comes through even when we don't know much about a person. That is exactly the impression that I've gotten from you--that you're authentic. I think it's a big part of why I like you.

Wow. Thank you for that.

I also think we can be authentic without sharing every detail about ourselves... although I didn't always think so. I know now that protecting ourselves is important... in fact, vitally important.

<talking to myself here > LB thinks that I am authentic. What does that mean? If she knew the deep recesses of my heart... where the shadows lurk... the ones that are NOT compassionate...

Those guys... there the ones that want revenge for slights and hurts caused... the ones that want to slap that guy silly who left a black ink pen in the dryer yesterday - on my WHITES... the ones that go from 0-60 in 3 seconds flat... the rage-filled, angry part of me... is that authentic?

Very interesting, LB...

Hi again, P,

quote:

So then, what's the difference, if there is any, between knowing yourself and being yourself? Or being authentic?

Oh, I think there's a HUGE difference. If I acted on some of my shadowy thoughts, there'd be carnage. I am very angry about some things.

I'm seeing a trend here, a path, that is very overhung with ugly, dead, dark and dank stuff. It's the ugly side that I don't want you to see - or admit to myself, for that matter.

I am good with the compassion... I love... I love... I love...

But the other, more sinister side of me... she hides. She has to. It's never been okay to let her into the light -- and that comes from a long history of being told that my whole self is NOT okay.

Thanks for asking the right questions...

I'm getting there...

Thinking about this more...

It's not just the ugly, icky side I'm afraid of (seeing myself or sharing with you)... it's that fearful, whining, needy, clingy self, too.

It's all negative, in my mind.

Nobody likes a whiner.

I used to belong to a wonderful website with some not-very-wonderful women... it was for second wives. There was one woman in particular that seemed to live to tell me to 'snap out of it'... when I said we had to wash our clothes in the bathtub with dish soap because we had no money for laundry, she said to thank God we had a tub. When I said that we'd lost our car, she said to thank God we could walk. When I said I missed my country and my children, she said that I made the choice to leave and now had to live with it. It went on and on.

And on and on and on...

I thought I was among like-minded women who understood... instead, while there were certainly *some* who did, the most vocal women did not.

I felt utterly beat up and raw when I left... and it was amid some nasty rumors about me -- namely that I was a mental case.

So, my attempt at being 'authentic' caused me great pain and grief. I was myself, I shared myself, I put myself out there. I was labeled "mental" and shunned afterward.

Not pretty.

There was a LOT more, as you might imagine. It doesn't matter what it was (see, this is me being private)... but it taught me a lesson... as my life in general has taught me a lesson... BE CAREFUL. Be very, very careful.

quote:

<talking to myself here > LB thinks that I am authentic. What does that mean? If she knew the deep recesses of my heart... where the shadows lurk... the ones that are NOT compassionate...

We all have those shadows. No one can live without them. If you did-- how would you know the bright spots in you? It's those dynamics that make us authentic.

If you're living too far on either side of the scale, that's not authentic. That's hiding from the true you. And every once in a while, hiding is a good thing-- but if you STAY there-- that's when it starts to eat away at you.

BTW, I have those dark places too. Go read my new post-- yeah, not many compassionate thoughts going on in my neck of the woods today.

quote:

Originally posted by jasens99:
We all have those shadows. No one can live without them. If you did-- how would you know the bright spots in you? It's those dynamics that make us authentic.

Hmmm... like a mirror? It's like the light bounces and brightens the dark? Or is it just a bright spot over there... and a shadow over there? And now that I think about it, without light there can be no shadows. OOOhhhhhhh... interesting.

quote:

I'm seeing a trend here, a path, that is very overhung with ugly, dead, dark and dank stuff. It's the ugly side that I don't want you to see - or admit to myself, for that matter.

Is it because you haven't dealt with your feelings of anger in a productive way? Instead of dealing, which could reveal you, you hide those feelings instead?

Regina

quote:

Originally posted by Regina SYMC:
Is it because you haven't dealt with your feelings of anger in a productive way? Instead of dealing, which could reveal you, you hide those feelings instead?

Regina

Most likely.

What's productive, anyway? Hitting a pillow with a mallot? Yelling at "mother" in an empty chair? That kind of thing irks me. I wonder why?

I was taught that feelings were bad. Others could have them, but not me.

I was a happy kid, but being *too* happy (in my depressed mother's mind) was annoying and she couldn't handle it. Being hurt was okay if you were my sister, a cryer who didn't say much, but cried a lot. I spent much of my life not being able to say how I felt, especially if it was anger, and now that I'm free to go there, I don't know how.

My therapist and I talk about this a lot. She sees me do it...

We'll be talking... talking... I have a feeling... CLICK OFF... talking... talking... another feeling... CLICK OFF... It's like shades get drawn across my face... I feel it, too... not safe to go there. Never safe to go there.

Have you tried the HEALS stuff?

Hey P,

I *read* the HEALS stuff and did apply it to that paricular person I had difficulty with... however, I didn't do it personally (like the x-amnt times a day)...

I will say that it worked wonders on feeling compassion for someone who abused me. Not that I discount what she did or will ever put myself in that positon again, but I do see her *issues* and understand her better.

Are you suggesting that it would work on anger issues within myself?

Hey Nyneve...

I haven't been very good working the heals stuff...so much happening in my head.

I remember many years ago my SIL calling me the "happy depressive". For years I was in a depression...on the verge of suicidal at times. Never enough because in the deepest part of me I could not hurt my kids that way...and I valued me just enough not to. But around people and at any given moment I could switch that darkness off and be the life of the party. The funny girl with the smile...and always a helpful hand for anyone needing, asking or wanting. To the detriment of myself at times.

And I remember a man I loved deeply as a dear friend and I worked for (he was a psychologist) looked at me one day and said you are a very angry woman...why are you afraid of your anger?

I've just begun to look at that part of me I've hid for almost 50 years now. It's dark and everything my mother told me NOT to be. Selfish, mean, hurtful, hating. I sometimes have dreams where I am screaming at people I love or have loved. My mom, my exMIL, a childhood friend, my ex, my SO. Where does this come from?

All these things deserve to be HEALED...they also deserve attention.

All the people that I feel wronged me, hurt me, disempowered, cheated me, hated me ...all of them are there inside that dark place and it's up to me to walk through that fire and realize it's just me hurting me now..they can't do it anymore. It's my believing that core hurt.. not them hurting me.

So here's a thought.. out of left field. Maybe HEALS would work on the anger issues within yourself and the sadness, anger issues within myself and any difficult issue within oneself... BUT.. does the dark side not WANT to be healed? or feel that it doesn't DESERVE to be healed?

EJLH

Hey EJ,

I was just sitting in the bathtub (don't picture it or you'll go blind. Really, don't. )... and I thought to myself... I wonder what anyone would do if I came back here, logged on, and wrote a laundry list of everyone who's harmed me (and I ignored the pain it caused), the circumstances that plague me even though I didn't cause them, the suffering I have endured at other's hands... I wonder if I did that, what would anyone say? What *could* they say? Sorry that happened, Nyneve? I mean, seriously. And really, I am old enough and mature enough to know that we ALL have ghosts that haunt us, circumstances that are unfair, people in our lives who we love(d) and who die... it's the human condition, all this... and then I feel guilty. You know that, right? How DARE I wallow. Sigh.

And then I read your post, which resonates with me completely... I too am the life of the party when I allow myself to be... I was 'most humorous' in my high school yearbook (a great mask to hide behind, I might add)... and I really am as nice as I am. I'm nice!

But yes, under it all lurks this anger that is struggling to (obviously) get out.

Like I said this morning, when I began this thread, I think everything I've written has lead up to this point - this thread. I think it's *that* important to me. To my mental health.

I'm with ya, EJ. I really am... again, here we are... alike, as always...

quote:

What's productive, anyway? Hitting a pillow with a mallot? Yelling at "mother" in an empty chair? That kind of thing irks me. I wonder why?

Feeling it for a time.
Trying to understand why it's there (the other person's position and your own).
Do something about the cause of anger if necessary. (Express that you were hurt by something a person did to the person, etc.)
Let it go once you've done what you can.

I believe that anger is a signal--a response to things that are hurtful or harmful. It's okay to have anger because it motivates us to do something about the hurtful/harmful thing.

It sounds like you've never done anything to protect yourself in response to anger, just buried it. Don't feel, don't express, do nothing.

THIS is harmful to you and your relationships. It doesn't allow you to exercise and protect your boundaries and it doesn't express them to others, either, giving them the opportunity to show you how much they love/respect you.

Do you agree? Do you see additional reasons why you would find it too risky to express those feelings of hurt?

Regina

quote:

Originally posted by Regina SYMC:

Do you agree? Do you see additional reasons why you would find it too risky to express those feelings of hurt?

Oh yes, I agree, completely.

Additional reasons? Well, I guess the first one would be my experience of having *attempted* to discuss my hurt feelings and having my words thrown back in my face, mocked, and/or ignored.

I made my first iron-clad boundary with someone harmful 18 months ago. I'd tried, forgiven, and tried again about four different times over the course of 4 years. It still feels foreign to me. I will not engage with this person on any level, even though she is a periphery consideration in my life. I simply refuse. Period.

As far as others... I always feel as though my feelings must be followed by action to have any merit. For example, if I say that my H makes me mad because he won't take out the trash (and of course you know that while this is actually an issue for us - LOL - it is not anything near the kinds of things I am grappling with)... anyway... ahem... the trash... if I say he makes me angry for not taking out the trash and then I do nothing make sure the trash is taken out (whether that be taking it out myself or nagging him until he does it) then what is the use of being angry about it?

With that as a starting point, I'm sure you can imagine that when dealing with life-long issues, the "action" part is the truly scary possibility. Do you know what I mean? It isn't the 'being mad' so much as it is what I need to do *with* the anger.