Well, here is my story...I'm sure it is similar to many on this forum.

I discovered that my WW was having an EA on Facebook with an old high school mate. She discovered FB about eight months prior to dday and had been reconnecting with many old friends from college/high school. My WW is somewhat reclusive, so I thought this was a great outlet for her.

From the beginning I noticed that she often chatted with a male friend. I asked her about this, but of course she said they were just friends. I actually do believe they were "just friends" during the first several months.

During the last several months I started to get suspicious. Every time I went near the PC when she was on FB she would minimize the screen or turn the screen for privacy. hmmmmm. Well, FB started to consume her life and she was not paying much attention to me or our four children. We had several fights/discussions about this. Clue number two; our sex life had diminished and became unsatisfying for both of us.

I finally decided to snoop. I felt horrible doing it because I trusted (notice past tense) my wife. OMG WTF...R U Fking kidding me. Yes, my W was having an A right in front of me and our four kids. UGH, sick to my stomach.

Well D-day was 6/10/09. On dday I gave her my wedding ring and told her she broke my heart. She confessed, but said it was "not what I think". She said their friendship just started to go too far. Well, from snooping, I found out she said "I love you" to him more times in a few days than to me in two years. She said they met in person twice at a park to talk. She said they hugged and kissed, but nothing more. So the EA did turn into a PA. In addition, WW and OM had plans to meet for an "evening" where she said she was not planning to be home until 1am. I'm sure we all know what was going to happen on that date. I know what you are all going to say...trickle truth, they probably already had sex, etc. Maybe so, maybe not…IDC. The part that kills me is that she betrayed me and our children and gave her love to another man.

On dday I went to my brother's house and drank myself half to death. I was delirious with rage, sadness and confusion. My bro was great and just let me vent and made sure I didn't kill myself. The next day friends got me to a doctor and I was prescribed anti-anxiety meds. I was/am a real mess. I stayed away from house for a few days and wallowed in self-pity. It was very hard to be away from my kids even for just a few days. My WW and I talked and I moved back home.

Some back story; we have been under financial stress and I have been working many hours. My wife is a stay-at-home mom and tends to the house and our four children.

Currently WW is NC w/ OM
We are in MC
I am on ADs
I don't see remorse from WW and I wonder if she is committed to reconciliation

Not sure where to go from here *sigh* ... just numb.

Hey there JC {{{hug}}} welcome to symc. I am so so sorry you and your family are facing this. We're here for you.

You probably won't see any remorse from her for a while - that's normal. She's grieving and hurting and needs to get beyond that stage. I'm really impressed with your friends and family, sounds like they were there for you when you needed them. I'm glad of that for you.

Tell me a little about the n/c. How is that structured? How do you know it's real?

Again - welcome to symc.

P

Hugs to you Just Crushed. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself right now. Sleep, food, stay hydrated. The anti depressants do help.

You will need all the strength you can muster for you, your WW and your kids.

You've come to the right place.

Thanks for your thoughts Sandy. I am doing best I can at taking care of me and kids. It is hard to muster energy to do anything, but I have been working out and spending quality time with my children. The infidelity diet/work out plan has helped me lose 15+ lbs and I'm in best shape of my life. LOL...that it took this to get there.

Penny,
Thanks for your kind words.

As for NC, when I moved back in 3 days after dday (6/10/09), I asked her to never to see or speak to OM again. She agreed and said she already told OM this. Ironically, OM was cheated on by his WW and my WW was his shoulder to cry on. Anyway, OM agreed to NC, but also said he would be there anytime she needed. I sent OM an email shortly after dday and asked him a few questions and asked him to never speak or contact my WW again for the sake of our family. He agreed.

I still snoop and monitor PCs in house. I monitor phone calls. I'm getting sick of doing this. I've expressed my need to know her whereabouts and she understands this and checks in with me...not always, but often.

My problem ATM w/ NC. As a condition for R, I "demanded" that she stay off facebook. After a few weeks, I gave in to her want to get back on fb. She stays connected w/ a lot of friends on fb. She says she needs support from her best friend through this crisis...and they communicate mostly through fb. Anyway, I feel stupid for doing this, but I gave in with the following boundaries: 1) delete OM as friend, 2) block OM on fb, 3) no "chatting" with ANY men, and 4) no fb in the evenings...this is family/couple time.

My WW has asked me if I still snoop on PC. I said no (but I do). My WW sent OM a message about a month back through fb. OM did not respond. I confronted WW and she said that she was testing to see if I was still monitoring her PC use. Of course this could just be an excuse, but I really don't think so. I actually do think she was testing me (even though she has deceived me, I think I can tell when she is telling me the truth).

My current dilema is w/ fb. My WW "unblocks" OM often. IDK why. She does not send messages and I don't see that she is reading any of his posts (again they are not "friends" on fb). By unblocking him she can view his picture...and she does. I see no actual communication between them, but again she is deceiving me...or testing me.

I see all sorts of advice given out in books and forums. TBH, much of it seems contradicting. I'm wondering a few things: 1) I don't like to lie (I actually hate it and am not good at it). Should I just fess up about monitoring PC and ask why she is being sneaky and viewing OMs pic on there? 2) Should I just say that a boundary for R with me is no fb? or, 3) Should I keep up the snooping to see if her and OM communicate?

IMHO, fb is a problem with our reconciliatiion. It is a trigger for me. I think it reminds her of the A. I think she pines for OM and this is why she views his pic. I think fb is a time-sink for her. She probably spends 3+ hours on it per day on weekdays. On the other hand, if I "demand" no fb, she will freak out and I think she will resent me for it. This could be the final straw for her. LOL...I was cheated on and look how I'm talking...what a joke.

I know she is questioning her love for me. We have not been intimate. she does not initiate anything meaningful towards R. She is however, much nicer around the house and receptive towards my affection (hugs, holding hands, etc.).

Confused and looking for insight...thanks!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Just Crushed,

JC,

I'm really sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. I suspect that the monitoring you are doing is very, very draining. Don't get hooked on it. You might really have all the information you need. What you need now is transparent honesty from your wife. This is a discussion you can have with her.

What do you think would happen if you told your wife that you have been monitoring computer usage?

How are you feeling? Meds working? What sort of support network do you have?

Don't expect your wife to be intimate with you. She's probably still attached to the OM if she's going back to view his picture. As long as she's in that state, she's not going to feel like being affectionate with you.

HoFS

Yes, the monitoring is very draining on me emotionally.

IDK how my wife would react if I disclose monitoring. I think she knows I monitor, so it probably wouldn't be much of a surprise.

Well, I don't feel good. The meds have helped some, but it's still a struggle everyday. I've told my brother and a good friend, but I don't talk about it much with them. They both call from time to time to check in on me. I told my mother that wife and I are having marriage problems, but I have not disclosed the affair. I just figure that if we do reconcile that this info could ruin their relationship (which is already strained). It is a little hard not telling my mother because she would normally be the person (besides my wife) that I would talk to about tough life situations.

Yes, I agree with you that WW is not being affectionate or intimate with me because she still has feelings for OM. This is exactly what is killing me. I feel like we either need to move towards each other (emotionally) or away from each other. I just can't handle this middle ground where we play housemates. It is destroying me.

Destroying you sounds like a generally not-so-good plan, unless you're planning to build an even better you afterwards.

So the middle ground is yucky and hard. You don't know, truly have no idea, what the outcome will be. I've been there, so good golly, I feel for ya. I can assure you, it's normal. Rotten. Normal. Normally rotten. Rottenly normal. About the only good thing that can be said about it is, "This too shall pass," which you can say about both farts and rainbows, so it's not necessarily a huge comfort.

I am really hoping you laughed somewhere in there, by the way. If you didn't, I recommend reading some Junie B. Jones with your 5 yo daughter. And maybe the 8 yo, too. Also, Curious George (the movie), is good for the soul. If you don't have a clean laugh somewhere in the middle of it, you really need to chat with your doc some more.

There are many other ways to self-soothe. In this time of utter insanity, though, a good hard exhausting belly laugh, or just exactly the same amount of wrenching sobbing, are both lovely ways to clean up the emotional "stuff" that's building up in your system. Try for two each day.


Oh, and about the whole monitoring thing? Yes, fess up to it. It'll be an ugly argument. Okay, so be it. It'll bring up more of the muck that needs to be dredged. And if there are monsters in it, then you need a dose of Monsters, Inc. The monsters would've been there anyway -- so what are you going to do with the fear energy you're handing them? I prefer to use the laughter energy instead.

Other than that, keep up the low level daily support of your household and environment. Help with the household. Do those chores she always wants you to do, but you neglect them. Take care of the kids at the times when she asks you to.

And nurture your soul with laughter, tears, and pushups.

Thanks Just J...I did laugh

Yes, I am and will do more of the things you've suggested...playing with kids, exercise (pushups), helping around house and spending time w/ my WW. I'll look into Junie B. (nvr heard of b4) and I will rent Curious George (always liked as a kid).

We finally had a "talk" last night and it helped me temendously. As far as dealing with this mess, my WW and I have two drastically different perspectives on it. She wants to "move on" and have more good times in our M (which is good). I also "want" to move on, but I need constant affirmation that my WW is there for me. I feel the need to "talk" more about what happened and I need....well, IDK what I need, but something more.

Anyway, I guess I will disclose the monitoring. Is it unreasonable for me to ask for her to give me her password to facebook?

Thanks for all your advice and kind words.
JC

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to give you the password. And to disclose the monitoring.

I wonder if you can both find a way to shift over to a mindset where the snooping is more like your right than a sneaky thing. You obviously feel uncomfortable with it if you said no when she asked if you were still doing it. Then she tests you because you won't tell her the truth either. Maybe you could try explaining that it's what it will take to rebuild the trust that was broken. If she accepts that, you no longer have to hide it and she no longer has the excuse of testing you.

I've seen different opinions on those websites and you will probably hear some that say she should be off facebook full stop. My personal opinion is that cutting off alternate social networks is not helpful when dealing with somebody trying to kick an addiction. I like your boundaries around facebook use - they seem fair - add to that you having her password and therefore full access to her communications, and I'd have thought that would be a good compromise - provided you are ok with any triggering effect it has on you.

All the best!

So how's it going this week, JC? Did you talk to your wife about the Facebook stuff?

Oh, and it's completely normal to need reassurance. It's one of those things.

How'd you like Curious George?

No...I haven't confronted WW about FB yet. Nor have I disclosed my continued PC monitoring. Ugh!!! I don't know what I'm waiting for.

Well. You -do- know what you're waiting for. You're just not telling yet.

But -- I'd sure like to know.

Yes, I guess I do know. I feel the PC monitoring is the only way to protect myself from further hurt. Which is a joke...because everytime I see her look at OMs pic or when she questions her love for me w/ her GF...it just kills me. Since I was so deceived and betrayed by her, I want to know if i should just move on now. I don't want to go through this torture for months/years to find out she has "checked out" of the M.

If i saw signs that she has "checked back in" to the M, I think I could easily stop the monitoring.

On a good note, we had a good MC session yesterday. At least I thought it was good. MC basically said that we both have to start letting go of past hurts and start focusing on the present. Even if it feels awkward at first, she advised us...and pushed us to plan date nights and "go make love". We'll see how WW reacts to MC advice.

Hmmm. Go make love. Hmmmm. Okay, that's not bad advice. If you can make love with your eyes and heart open, if you can look into each other and connect while you're doing it. And if not, then just keep looking at -- into -- each other. Connection is on many levels, and just "go make love" without "go connect and risk everything in the daringness of your erotic nakedness" is not enough for me, and probably not enough for you.

Risk, reward. Both there. Both astonishing. Both utterly normal parts of life.