Yes I am on the call list, I made darned sure.
Out insurance co, has only one practice i nour area and then that counselor only works one day a week in that office.
Thier other office is an hour away which is not do-able as I have a two year old.

But, I will do fine, it's my H I am worried about. Too much time to back out, yah know.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

Oh I agree. Way to much time. That was one of my ground rules w/H for getting IC. It had to be right away if this was going to work. My H tends to forget things happened if to much time goes by.

I'm sorry to hear your insurance is so limiting. That's just awful. Do you have any out of network benefits? Or the money to foot the bill just to get in to see someone sooner (for your H that is)?

I understand about having little ones to think about. I have two myself. I'll be keepin' ya in my thoughts.

Thank you Jade.
I need a hug soo bad.
I know where that willnot be coming from today or tonight.

heavy sigh

can I hold out 'til IC?
I have been to hell and back several time in my life, I can do this.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

How does a BP know when they are going insane?

I am only half serious w/ this question.
Have you ever felt as though it would be so much easier if a professional would diagnose you as having a serious personality disorder? At least then you could stop IT from controlling you and start to control IT.
You know what I mean?

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

quote:

---

Originally posted by *hypatia:
How does a BP know when they are going insane?

---

Hey hypatia:

I seriously doubt you are going insane but I am sure that all of this is weighing heavily on you.

You don't like what's happening, I can understand. So what would you like to change?

How could you do that?

hypatia - It is easy to think we are going insane. When WS is lying, things don't make sense. So then we start questioning our sanity. Before D-day, my WH was gone all of the time. He kept denying that he was gone. So I started putting the hours that he was gone on the calendar.

It turned out that he was gone, more than 30 hours a week. When I showed him the actual times after a couple of months, he still denied it.

Also I printed out his bank statements showing withdrawals of $200. to $300. every week . He got mad at that and said I was snooping.

He has been with OW for a year. Still he says he wants to move back in and that I should trust him. He has told me about a thousand lies. Now even if he ever told me the truth, I would not believe it.

quote:

---

Originally posted by HoFS_SYMC:

quote:

---

Originally posted by *hypatia:
How does a BP know when they are going insane?

---

Hey hypatia:
VIKING DUDE!!! Long time no hear from!!!!

I seriously doubt you are going insane but I am sure that all of this is weighing heavily on you.

I think one of the things that I will address in IC is my sanity, or the persecptionof it. Sort out this mess to put each element exactly where it belongs.

You don't like what's happening, I can understand. So what would you like to change?

1)I do not want to be a doormat.
Plain and simple.
Becasue I thought that I had not been meeting myH's needs, I came just this close to having the bottom sides of his muddy shoes carelessly wiped on my face.
2)I do a very good job of liking ME, but I could do better.
3)Taking things personally, when is it personal and when isn't it?
4)I need to be ME and not who he wanted me to be inorder to justify is extracurricular activities. He wanted me to be "emotionally unstable" and I became that, he wanted me to be a shreiking b*tch and I became that etc. Time to be me again.

How could you do that?

---

ooo if only I knew at this point, Rich, so I will do IC

I this so hard to know how to feel, what to act on, what to question, who to believe any more. I donot know which firnds and acquaintances have been given my H's version of our marraige and me, who thinks I am a stark raving lunatic, etc. He is so against people saying "mean" things about other people, yet.........

only 38 days till IC.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

question

the cell phone bill is due any day

Do I ask him to show it to me?

OR

do I avoid a scene and just look at it independantly?

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

Look at it alone. You need to be analytical when you look at it and that is hard to do with someone looking over your shoulder.

that is so true.

what I am afraid of is that he will try to hide it when it does come in


If any of you do Verison, please give me the heads up when your bill comes in

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

i think that I will ONLY comment on the bill if he has indeed stopped talking to OW-1 and the calls btween he and OW/x-w have been curbed to what he has told me about.
I will thannk him for telling me the truth.

BUT
I am so afraid that he has found a new way of being sneaky.


me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

How and when do I respectfully ask my H if he has followed thru in setting up an appt w/ a IC?

How and when do I respectfully ask my H if he has followed thru in setting up an appt for a hearing test?

If hunny is still in denial about the gravity of his associations w/ OW-1 and OW/x-w, how do I know whether or not he has ended contact w/ OW-1 and curbed contact w/ OW/x-w? And when do I know, if he has, when he is in w/drawal and it is stillnot the same old same old?

If I have made a respectful request to my H about trying to brainstorm w/ him to find away for me to better know that he has heard me and has not ignored me, (Fri) and he has not responded, when do I restate my request?

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

mini anxiety attack!!!!!

So, if you have been following this soap opera, you will remember that my H fessed up to having used and manipulated OW/x-w to get info for OW-1 during the end of Jan and thru Feb. OW/x-w found out and was very angry w/ my H (Or so his story goes), so she stopped having little chit chats w/ him.

okay,
during the last week, my H has told me that OW/x-w has called for many reason's, all he claims having to do w/ LiSD. Her contact w/ my H has increased. And all in "friendly" gestures in the name of LiSD.
My H says that Fri or Thurs of last week she even called to say that she would take LiSD for the weekend of my H's b-day (not until the end of Apr). He saw it as her "extending an olive branch". Today she called my H to tell him that she would be visiting LiSD at school for lunch. In the past, she has not bothered to tell us ahead of time, we have always, if at all, found out from LiSD.

So, you tell me why this is making me very nervous?

Why has OW/x-w increased her "friendly" in the name of LiSD phone calls? What my H admittingly did to her during Jan and Feb was really really "mean" and had no intergrity. Am I so petty that I am projecting how I would feel if someone did that to me? And I would forgive, but I would certainly not be "extending an olive branch".

I do not trust either OW/x-w or my H.



me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

DRAT!!!

My H is back in contact (if he ever discontinued contact w/) OW-1.


Okay, So I snooped in his home Email and found he has forwarded her a joke.
I haven't snooped in a bout a week 'cause I just wanted to believe.
BUT,

He hadn't forwarded her anyhting for a long time as near as I can tell. As far as I can tell, it has been since last April. (This is one of my reasons for questioning whether or not he has an "secret" email address that he accesses at work)

CRAP CRAP CRAP


I want to know why when contact w/ one of the OWs is increased or rekindled, the other one is rekindled or increased.
Why does he have to have BOTH in his back pocket?

I have been very PlanA since our last MC session one week ago.
I will continue to PlanA, but it will be difficult.

What am I doing wrong?
What Emotional Need am I neglecting.

The best I can guess is that THEY will both FORGIVE him regardless of his indecressions and take him straight back w/ out questions, apologies, explainations. Forgive and forget.
He apparently will do the same as far as they are BOTH concerned.

It is so wierd. No matter how much any of them hurt one another, they are always welcomed back w/ open arms and open........

oops

It is as though they are all inviting the past to repeat itself.

Why would anyone do that to themselves?
Haven't they any boundaries or self respect? Do they crave the negative attention?
I am so confused.


Oops, I forgot, the dreaded FOG.

God help me should I ever get all foggy. Actually, you all have permission to shot me if I ever get anywhere near that FOG.

But, why do they always come in pairs?
Can't he do one w/out the other?



me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

I am closer to the Protection Phase than I want to be.

I can not deal w/ this sanely and safely much longer.

I NEED to know some stuff.

How do I respectfully request that my H get a neutral mediator to negotiate LiSD concerns/visitation as one of his OWs is his x-w?

Can I ask him to leave or do I leave? I an a SAHM of a two year old w/ a chronic illness. Working is almost out of the question and finding a job will take time. I will be w/o money for a long time.

Do I file a formal separation so that he is still finacially responcible for BabyLuv and me?

Would someone be so kind as to come over and give me a REAL hug?
I need to cry and I want someone here who understands and is empathetic.

What the h*ll am I gonna do? I want to go home, a mere 1200 miles away, but that would be unreasonable.

I have so many questions. I am so scared. I am too sure that he will not ever want to reconcile. He willnot even look me in the eye when I tell him that I love him, He looks so sad. He has not set up an appt for IC. He has not ended contact w/ OW-1 and curbed contact w/ OW/x-w. He will not even answer my requests to help me better fill his needs.

What am I gonna do?

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

I wonder how emotionally available my H is.
Does he have the social skills to make and maintain a emotionally balanced relationship? Can he recognize the subtle nuances of the human range of emotions? Does he feel compasion? Can he be empathetic?

I am not trying to label him. I am trying to better understand the world thru his eyes and heart.


Strange thing is, I have long entertained my emotional availability.
Some how I manage to fall head over heels for men who are very emotionally unavailable. I have a long history of this.
Could it be that growing up w/ my very emotionally unavailable mother and father left me not knowing how to find and/or regonize emotional availability?
Could it be that having lived w/ a schitzo b-polar mother, I am afraid of people (men) who are as animated as me for fear that they are bi-polar?
Could it be I do not feel that I deserve a emotionally available mate?

These are questions that whiz thru my brain and wretch myheart everytime I realize that i have done it again.

So, I have a new goal when I can FINALLY get to IC. How does Hyp become emotionally available?

ponder ponder ponder.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

ooo
did I ever tell yo that I did find a pair od foriegn panties in my H's bureau drawer about 5 months ago.
He blamed it on one of the 21 yr olds getting their laundry mixed up w/ their former GF's.
YAH SURE
Firdt of all, no disrepsect intended, her butt is twice the pantie size and who needs a secondly?

It was all so stupid that all I could do was roll my eyes and walk away , leaving my H standing at his open bureau drawer stammering excuses.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

I emailed my H Dr. Harley's page on Emotional Needs this morning. I was trying to explain how it works to him last night and he accused me of backing him into a corner, attacking him, demanding, being harsh, he was too tired, he didn't want an "agruement" ( I changed it to discussion and or/debate), "It ALAWYS turns into an agruement" etc. Road block Road block Road block!!!!!!!!!
I tried to explain that we had hurdles and not walls, 'cause you can get over, under around hurdles but walls are impassable.
Road block Road block Road block!!!!!!!!!

Holy Duke, kids, this was all before i even opened my mouth. At one point, I reached out to touch his arm and he nearly jumped out of his skin. I am so sorry, but I broke down and cried. That hurt so much.

He did tell me that Financial was his top EN followed by family committment.
His over all goal is "peace" w/in the family and the marriage.

I tried to explain that if his top EN are met and protected by me, and he met and protecterd my top ENs, Peace w/in the marriage and family would follow naturally.

so I sent him the web site for Harley's ENs.

The book WILL follow.

BTW, he has not made any appts.
am I not surprised.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

I sent this to my H this morning via email.

Dear Husband,
I would like to thank you for helping me to know you and understand you better
last night. I feel that I do truly understand better what you feel is important
in our marriage.

I understand and respect your need for the finacial security of our family.

I understand and respect you committment to the well being of the children.

I would like for you to know that I will be as supportive w/ your needs as I
can, and then some.

How can I help you to better know the depth of my committment to supporting
your needs? How can I better protect your needs for our family and the
children?

Again, I appreciate your being open and honest w/ me last night.

Every little baby step eventually gets a person further along in their life's
journey than if they sit down and watch the world go by.

I love you
*hyp

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

Hypatia,
Thank-you for your understanding. These things are very important to me.
They are even more important than my longing for calm and peace. My need
for rest from the stress of my life is something that I do believe is
temporary. I know that we have issues that must be dealt with and I know
that you have needs that are just as important as mine. I wish I could
handle this better. I feel so tired mentally. Whether you believe it or
not I am trying. I ask that you please have patents with me. I must heal
myself before I can deal with some of the issues we have. I will however,
continue to take the baby steps as I deal with my own problems. I'm not
very good at expressing myself in a manner that does not hurt you. It is a
concern of mine and I'll continue working to find a way to communicate with
you better. You asked for me to tell you how you can show your commitment
to my need of financial security. It would be a great help if you would do
little things like using your cell phone to talk to the children on the
weekends. I think we should start with these little things and when we are
stronger we will tackle the big ones together.
Husband

this is a copy of My H's email responce to the letter I wrote to him on Wed. (I posted here it on Wed.)

I am having such mixed feelings about this responce. Am I being to hard and petty? Am I expecting too much too soon?

I would LOVE some input.
Thanx

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.