quote:

---

Originally posted by Just J_SYMC:
Excellent. Enjoy dinner!

thanks, Olive Garden
We did a great job, overall,
drove home and
SLAM!!!!
the TV went on


I am not expecting miracles, folks, but what i would like is a chance.
We took care of my H's NEED to do financially for me.
We did do the conversation that I NEED.

I am happy for that and WILL tell my H that I appreciate the converstaion from last night.



And what are your steps for next week?
over teh weekend, I am hoping that my dad will get back to me.

Monday,
pick up perscription for me,
fill BabyLuvs as well,
LOOK FOR JOB
LOOK FOR DAY CARE

I have NO money, our excess income disappears.

I may have a friend who can help. Will email her over the weekend, she works alot.

Talk to dad about being atleast the physical intermediary if he can not help w/ a temp place to live.

-----------------------------
Just J
Just_J_SYMC@comcast.net

---

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

So, because I AM open and honest, I politely disclosed to my H last night that I am getting a script for Zoloft and I have been able to move my IC date up.

then he began the same old same old

FROOT-LOOP!!!!
oh he was "kind" and polite enough about it, but SHEESH!
What can I very politely say to him that'll make the FROOT-LOOP stuff stop.
It seems, no matter what I do, what I say and ever so nicely and politely,
he will not stop blaming the state of our relationship on the
FROOT-LOOP theory.

that right there is enough for me to deflate completely.


And a bit later, I asked him if he had made an appt for IC.
calmly he said NO.

well there you go.

he is alll to willing to have me shoulder the burden.

my knight in shining armour
ooops I forgot to swoon.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

I told my H that when he brings up my emotional stability, I feel hurt. I told him that I shut down immediately.
I feel that he is throwing up road blocks and excuses.

I know that I did not phrase it properly.
I really do not know how to better put it.


We talked alot this morning, very contrustively.
we put some OLD stuff to rest, foreinstance, BabyLuv's paternity.
An old BF is claiming paternity and my H had it brought up to him at work about 1.5 months ago by a stranger.

I asked my H to do the math.
BabyLuv born on 1-24-04, that means he was concieved on late April 2001. I left that BF March 9, 2001 and had not had sexual contact since Early Feb 2001 (due largely to an increase in BF's comsumption of Canadian Mist, he couldn't even if he wanted to).

I reassured H that I had had NO contact w/ x-BF since the day I left and reminded him that I had blocked his emails and shared that w/ H at the time. He remembered. I reminded him that I had asked my father to throw any written contact away and not even tell me that they had arrived as x-BF had been sending stuff in the mail to my father's house. He remembered.

There had been a HUGE question of whether or not I had any contact w/ x-BF after I became preg. I had been accused of sleeping around by OW-1 and my H.

Today, we agreed to lay that whole thing to rest. My H says that there is no questionin his mind as to whether or no BabyLuv is his.

Thank God

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

What is the Fruitloop theory?

____________________________
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Recovered

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. - Albert Einstein

It isn't what is done to us that defines us, it is how we respond to it. - Takola

Oh, heavens, Tak! I'm not even in hypatia's house and I've heard the FruitLoop theory. Here's how it goes:

"Our marriage is a mess because you are a fruit loop. If you didn't have so many issues...if you weren't nuts...we'd be fine. Don't blame ME for your problems--you're CRAZY! I'm not. See?? You have to take crazy pills and I'm don't. See?? You have to go to years of counseling and I don't. YOU are the one who's a fruit loop and who needs to change, not me."



(Okay--deep breaths)

Hypatia, sweetie, have some faith in yourself, your intuition, and your judgement. You're a smart, passionate, wonderful woman (and you KNOW it!)



Selene

"Approach love and cooking with wild abandon..." --Dahlai Lama

selene_symc@yahoo.com

PRECISELY!!!!!!!!!

It allows the other spouse to play the part of the VICTIM in the marraige. They can be POWERLESS because a froot-loop's behavior is controlling the marraige (or relationship.)

They are faultless and have little to NO responcibility.

If they have little internal emationsl decision making capabilities and someone they feel is a good friend has told them that their spose is a froot-loop, then until that person deems the Froot-loop all better, then ........

oh well.

OW-1 told my H I am a froot-loop very early on.
yehaw

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

Hmm. Yeah, my response to that is simple. Perhaps I'm a froot loop. And why does that give you license to treat me with disrespect?

-----------------------------
Just J
Just_J_SYMC@comcast.net

EXACTLY!!!!

Instead of focusing on finding out what a burden the "malady is", why not pay attention to who the Froot-loop is and remember the positive personality traits that contribute to the relationship?

Instead of doing research into finding yet another personality disorder because the other one did not pan out, why not ask the froot-loop about how they feel?

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself because the froot-loop is crying again, why not ask why the froot-loop is crying and why not ask what you can do to help the situation be better?

there are so many insteads.


Instead of

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

Then again, perhaps your husband is doing what men sometimes do... trying to find and fix the problem so that you'll be happy.

-----------------------------
Just J
Just_J_SYMC@comcast.net

(((((Hypatia)))))

This is my experience, and my experience only. My exH actually did have diagnosed illnesses and mental illness--where actual professional doctors and mental health professionals determined the illness, NOT ME. I, on the other hand, was a survivor of CSA and went to years of therapy in order to deal with the aftereffects, and not once in all that time was any mental illness ever even suggested.

However, as time went on I was the one who felt more and more crazy!

My exH used the FrootLoop Theory in order to avoid facing himself and his issues. He could blame everything on me, and thus, he did not have to look at himself. For the longest time he tried to convince me that *I* was the one who was bipolar--that *I* was the one who had (another) disorder--that *I* was also diabetic. And all that time I was the kind of person who would actually look at myself and wonder if it really WAS me.

Do you know I how I eventually straightened it all out? I got honest with myself. If someone said to me, "I have a problem with this" I actually looked at myself and considered if I needed to change. If I had reason to believe that I actually had a problem or issue that needed to be dealt with, I did something about it (like counseling). In other words, I knew myself well enough to KNOW deep down inside me that I was not crazy, irrational, or unreasonable. I also knew I was not afraid to face that I MIGHT BE or to face what I would need to do if I was.

It helps take a lot of wind out of the FrootLoop Theory sails when you know that you have the courage to face yourself and deal with your issues. Lovely, you know within youself if you are part of the problem--and if you are, you have the courage to do something about it.

Trust yourself.



Selene

"Approach love and cooking with wild abandon..." --Dahlai Lama

selene_symc@yahoo.com

[This message was edited by Selene SYMC on Tue March 30 2004 at 01:29 AM.]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Just J_SYMC:
Then again, perhaps your husband is doing what men sometimes do... trying to find and fix the problem so that you'll be happy.

-----------------------------

---

I guess that is easier than paying attention and listening?

I would not be a very good man

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

Good Morning folks,

I just wanted you to know that my H wants to read my posts on SYMC.

As you may or may not remember, my H is/was a lurker on MB.
Whether or not he is lurking on SYMC is questionable. He HAS used a phrase that I have ONLY used there in trying describe a situation. I sincerely do not think that I have verbalized the concept.

So, because he lurked MB, he holds that against me. He says that he can not trust me. He says that everything that I posted there was ALL LIES!!! I have heard this before and have invited him to read and perhaps even participate w/ MB. I had requested that he try and see things from my perspective. Naturally he CANNOT or WILL NOT.

At his point, he is afraid that I am LYING on SYMC, and hanging out our dirty laundry. He still states that he can not trust me.

I have requested that he first read "Survivng an Affair" so that he can read any posts using the common language and theories that are used there. I have also requested that he could perhaps read MB for the common language. I told him that I found each to have some very helpful ideas for any marraige.

He turned down "SaA", saying that he didn't think it was applicable. I politely (really I did) said that he could not say that fairly as he had not read the book. I then politely added that one should never judge a book by the cover.

I am personally feeling that it would not be a good idea for him to read any of SYMC until he has a common language and a respect for the theories.

What do you think?

thank you
Kelly

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

OPINIONS PLEASE!

Is it polite and respectful for me to email or say to my H TODAY

"I would appreicite it if you would make and appt for IC and to have you hearing checked as soon as possible."

would it be appropriate for me to put a time frame on this request?

Is it appropriate for me to add that I can not stay n a marraige where both people are not working on their inner stuff inorder to help the marrige be stronger?
I realize that the last statement was not worded properly and would LOVE to have help w/ that one.

Thanks all,
xo
K

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

I honestly do not think I can do this.
I am procrastinating, I am avoiding, I feel paralized.

I do not want to PP at this point. I honestly do not see for our marriage how it could work.
I know that part of my gloom and doom atttitude the the fear of the unknown. And I truly do fear that he will not lift a finger.

I am in the grieivng process. I am in denial. I am looking under everystone that I now that I have looked under at least once before for a miracle. Deep down, I know that there are NO miracles.

I am learning that love does not conquere all. That is not a lesson that I ever wanted to learn. I am learning that not all people live up to thier promises. Not all people have integrity.

I knew that. I just did not want to believe that person would be my husband. I trusted him to live up to the promise that he made to me the day we were married. To love and to protect, to cherish and to honor, to foreake all others, for better and for worse, thru sickness and in health.

I am learning that just because I beieve, doens't mean other people do.

I am learning that just because someone makes a promise, til death do us part, that doesn't mean they know how to keep it or maybe do not want to keep that promise. Some promises are made to shut the other person up.

I do not like how cynical I am becoming. I do not like how little faith I have anymore, I have so little faith in marraige and in relationships. I do not ever want to do this again.

I want the man I fell in love with. I want the man that I promised to love and to cherish til death do us part. I made a promise, to him, to myself and to us.

so, why do i sincerley feel that if I were to leave, that that would be the end of it?

I know people change, but only if they want to.
I do not like the way I have changed. I had come so far. I let myself go. I feel defeated, by myself.

Darling Husband, if you are lurking here, please know that I do love you and I want our marrige to be a healthier and working marriage of partners. No matter what our indivdual pasts and our shared pasts are, I want our marriage.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

Only you can paralyze and defeat yourself. Why are you doing that?

-----------------------------
Just J
Just_J_SYMC@comcast.net

because I am so scared.
Because I need and I do notlike to NEED.
because I hurt so bad, I can not help but think that I have done something terribly wrong anf I need to fix it.
Because he said he has integrity, I want to believe him.
Because i have put two ther children thru a father-less childhood and I do not want to do that to BabyLuv.
Because (and this one is clearly selfish) my parents will be outwardly disappointed in me.
Because I broke, and I am ashamed.
Because this can not be real.


me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

because I have made so many mistakes and I do not want to admitt that I have made another one, no matter how this turns out.

should have
would have
could have

they just will not stop.

I should have listened to my gut when I figured out I was preg and kept far a way.
I should have gone back to Maine then.
I knew this would happen, but silly me......

I had always believed you could make something out of nothing, now I just do not know anymore.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

I am so ashamed that I cannot get my butt in gear and do what I have always been able to do in the past.

Why is this so different?

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

AND
something is very wrong.

I have to take BabyLuv to the audiologist's tomorrow, an hour away.
MY h told me at lunch today that he should go w/ me.
First it was because he didn't know how warm it would be tomorrow and my car 's A/C is dead and...
Then it was that he didn;t want my hip to cause me probs w/ the shifting and all.
Well, tomorrow should be cool
and
my hip hasn't bothered me in about three weeks.

I told him that he didn't need to go, but if he wanted to, I would love to have him come,

then he said that he didn't want to but....

I told him that he did not have to take care of me that I would be just fine.

It was an odd exchange.
He was on edge.
As if he were holding something back. It made me nervous.

It was too too wierd.
nothing about BabyLuv's hearing, nothing about questons he may have for the audiologist. We had cheerfully talked about his going to talk about our observations just Sat.

Now he has excuses why he needs to go.

He just called to say that he is on his way home, very distant, no emotion, almost robotic.

This is making me nervous.

His co-worker has been out on Fri and today.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

((((((((((*hypatia))))))))))

I haven't read your whole thread - this is my first time on the infidelity board. I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you.

I'm so sorry this situation - and this day - is so tense.

Thinking of you --

Nanci

________________________________________________

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you . . . thoughts of peace, and not of evil . . ." Jer. 29:11