Thank you Nanci,
I appreciate the hugs.
I hope you have never been where I am today. I would NOT wish this on anyone.

This is by far harder than CSA/ASA. believe it or not.

{{{Nanci}}}

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

So how is the PP letter coming?

____________________________
met 6-2-99, engaged 6-2-00, married 6-2-01, H moves out 3-26-02, H moves home 5-27-02, Recovered

The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. Persistence is great, but you must persist with something that works.

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. - Albert Einstein

It isn't what is done to us that defines us, it is how we respond to it. - Takola

terrible

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at this point.

I am feeling pressure from all sides to perform.

My H wants me to just be nice and relax and carry the burden of emotional instability.

Both sets of my parents do, unfortunately, treat me w/ the froot-loop theory. Well, maybe it is my hormones, maybe it s the fibro, maybe it is exhaustion. Neither set seem to truly understand the gravity of the situation. Both sets thought hat my H and our marriage was my last best hope, as though I had to get married. (When my mom and dad were together, that is the manner they treated my 1st marraige). MY mom (bi-polar and schitzo) says I am a control freak and too animated. Both my step-mom and my mom know OW-1 very well, from different perspectives and they would n't put anything past her, the possibility of any type of infidelity, in their opinions, is very possible. My dad contends that there is no way, My h is just niave and letting OW-1 lead him around.

I am feeling pressure from here as well.
I had thought that a mid-May PP would be best for me for several reasons.
I would very much like to get a few ICs under my belt. I am NOT strong enough to even leave right now.
I have had too many choices taken away from me in the last three years, I need this to be MY choice.
I need to feel empowered by the choice that I may have to make.

I would not be able to stay in this area.
The thought of leaving my home right now, under these circumstances, is overwhelming. It is triggering alot of things. I fear that it is feeding into the situation.

I just want a few ICs under my belt before I can even think along those terms.

Do you understand?

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

posted Mon March 29 2004 07:07 AM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Selene SYMC:


.....Finally, I began to see that even if I corrected every "issue" that I had, if my spouse was unwilling to work on himself too, we had no chance. Clearly we could not work on our marital issues if there were addictions in the way. My spouse was diagnosed with XXXXXXXX--and he refused to seek treatment or do anything to treat them.

Then one day, my therapist said a life changing thing to me: "Sometimes when conflict avoiders say yes and don't do it, that is an answer. They are saying no but they don't want the conflict. Sometimes no answer--no movement--no plan means no." So I thought about that and narrowed it down to three issues that HAD to be addressed (in my opinion): 1) What plan did he have to address creating a mutually satisfying marriage (for both of us), including remaining faithful? 2) What plan did he have to address his mental illnesses and protect us from the fallout of these diseases? and 3) What plan did he have to address the physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse and protect us from the rage? I had been working on myself and our marriage for three years at that point, and he had made no movement and made promises that he had no intention of keeping, etc., so this time I presented those three issues very factually, gave him a week to respond with his plans, and left him alone. A week later, he said he did not believe had to make any changes within our marriage, and that I was making a big deal out of just "friends"; that he did not need to deal with his mental illnesses and the outfall of his actions because he had "meds" and they cured him; and that the abuse was all in my head and he did not need to protect us from anything.

And I knew.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!



Selene

"Sometimes when conflict avoiders say yes and don't do it, that is an answer. They are saying no but they don't want the conflict. Sometimes no answer--no movement--no plan means no."

1) What plan did he have to address creating a mutually satisfying marriage (for both of us), including remaining faithful?
2) What plan did he have to address his mental illnesses and protect us from the fallout of these diseases?
3) What plan did he have to address the physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse and protect us from the rage?

I have cut and pasted this from something that our dear Selene posted somewhere else w/ her permission.
Thank you, Selene , for allowing me to use this so that I may better understand where I am.

When I read this, I could immediately see our marraige. This triggered something in me. After reading what Selene wrote, that is when I decided that I would respectfully request that my H make an appt. for IC by this Wed.

I asked him last night.
I said that I would appreciate it if he would call and make an appt for IC before WED and have the appt w/in the next two weeks. I asked him if he felt this was a reasonable request and if not, what did he think would be reasonable.

He hemmed and hawed. W/ averted eyes, he said that he didn ot think it was a reasonable request. I almost asked "why" but caught myself. I then asked what would be reasonable.

He talked about not having made the appt because he interpretted the MC as saying that he need not do so unless he felt he could not deal w/ individual marital issues and he then statewd that if he goes into IC for depression, he could loose his security clearance.

I did politely ask what was more important to him, security clearance or our marraige. His answer was "I don't know". He said that he needed to think about it.

I then told him that I love him very much and that our marraige is very important to me, BUT I can not stay in a marriage where each person will not take care of their our issues.

Eventually, he did say that he would make the appt and that he needed me to write down the phione number again.

We then talked about, because it had come out, disrespect and the "froot-loop" theory.

That had come up because he pings on my emotional stability n little subtle manners that are only discernable to the one whois catching the little needles repeatedly. Selene, I think that you would understand that one.

I asked if he was ready to perhaps accept that his perhaps-depression may NOT have been triggered by me and me alone.
No, he had not even thought out of that box. He had been assumiong that I (and/or our marriage) had triggered it.

Skip ahead,
I suggested that he not make an IC appt. on the grounds of dealing w/ depression, perhaps initiate IC because of Conflict-Avoidance so that the issurance co. would not put depression on his records and CA is not gorunds for loosing security clearance. I added that then if depression comes up, deal w/ it then.

I reassured him that I love him very much and will be there w/ him and for him if and when he wants or needs while dealing w/ IC.

He left the phone number on the counter this morning.

Okay, I am off to get ready to take BabyLuv to the audiologists.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

oops

I dropped the ball.

No appt today for BabyLuv, it takes 5 to 7 days for our insurance co, to get a referral to the testing facility.

I did not know this.

So we are rescheduled for April 9
drat


me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

MY H is throwing this site in my face.
He says that he does not trust me here. He thinks that I am just writing lies and having the other posters here validate my lies.

What to do?

This came about last night as well.
He was watching TV so I went into our BR to read "Emotional Unavailability". He came into the BR to go to bed at approx 8:15. So, I came out to the computer to read and post. He wandered out a few times and then finally asked
"are you mad at me?"

Why is it always "Are you mad at me?" I truly do not understand.

I explained that I was working on ME and had not been ready to go to bed at 8:15.

That is when the whole he-doesn't-trust-me-here-on-SYMC came up.

I told him that I was tired of that. I promise that I did not yell but I know that I could have stated that in a more respectful manner.

I dumped what I was writting and logged out. Al the while, he had been reading over my shoulder, straining to see the screen.

So, he went back to bed and I stated in the living room to calm down. I was really mad and did not think it best to exhibit how mad I was.

After I calmed down, I went into the bedroom and asked him
"Help me to understand something, Why do you ask me "Are you mad at me?" when you are uncomfortable?"

"I don't know."

Okay, so is he threatened by my working on me?
Is he threatened by my persception of what has been going on and not going on in our marriage?
Is he threatened by having to face the music eventually?

I am so confused.


Another thing, yesterday he non-challauntly let out that he does indeed have a work email address. I am so sorry but my eyes bugged out . I thanked him for telling me. He asked why I looked like I did. I explained that he had in the past made such a big point out of telling me that he did not have an account at work, that he shared one w/ a co-worker. I asked how long he had had the account. It has been over a year. I swear but I would not swear in a court of law that he has maintained that he did not have his own account until a few month ago. Little comments here and there, pissing and moaning about not getting stuff at home.

He had also made a strange little point about telling me over the weekend that he CAN access his accounts from home while he is at work. I made idle chit-chat about this one and just gathered info.


AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

He sees no problem w/ the fact that he neglected to share this info w/ me when got the account. He had made such a BIG deal about not having an account and having to share one.

I just do not get it .

He then asked me how many accounts I have. Thisis something that I have NEVER kept from him. I have three which I have shared w/ him and the reasons for each one.
I re-shared that info w/ him and he said "Oh yah".

SHEEEEEESH folks.

I kept calm and diD not feed into the conversationina neg manner.
BUT
HOLY DUKE!!!!!!!!

Is it unreasonable for him to share such info w/ me in a reasonable amount of time? Am I unreasonable to be quite frankly shocked that it has taken so long for him to non-challauntley share this info w/ me?

I have his co-workers' email addresses, we swap jokes and comments on a friendly note.

And did he tell me what his address at work is?
NO!

Help me w/ this people.
Am I expecting too much? (if this was your average marriage?)


AND,
Last night, during our conversation about his IC, he brought up that he should go andd see his family 4 hours south over the weekend. His father has been reaching out to him and I personally think that my H SHOULD go and see him. His father has been under going many many tests to figure out how advanced age is affecting him (FIL is in his late 70s). I support the idea wholeheartedly.
My H said that he would need to think about it.
By the end of our conversatonlast night, he had determined that he should go south this weekend w/ LiSD. He said he needed to get away and his sister's house was so relaxing and he needed to think and..........

This is very fine w/ me.
But Gosh folks, that was a quick decision. Inside of an hour, prob less.

A part of me is nervous.
But I will let that go.


Tomorrow is MY appt w/ IC YAHOO!!!!!!
Gotta go and get my perscript filled today.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

Just a thought but I keep seeing you post it....if your H doesn't like you posting here about your marriage issues, why do you do it? I know it's good to find information and have people help you but if he's really against you sharing info on a public discussion board, maybe you should consider his feelings? Maybe I'm reading what you are typing wrong but if I'm not, you posting here may hinder not help your situation. Maybe he'd agree to you posting if he came with you to post? Or if you only post once a week? I don't know. Just seems to me that he doesn't like it but he's your H and you know him best. I hope your IC appt. goes well!!!! As always I wish you the best!!!

Yah Jade,
I have honestly been thinking of vacating here because of my H's concerns.

He tends to vacilate between "If it helps you" and feeling threatened.

I have invited him to read and post.
Tak has invited him to email her.
I have suggested he read my posts.
I have suggested he read MB to get some background language and theories.
I have suggested he read "Surviving an Affair".

But alas alak.
All to no avail.

I now am very sure taht he lurks here. That not only bothers me as he is snooping my vents, thoughts, quandries BUT he is also invading the privacy of the other posters here. I use the word "invading" because he apparently will not take the time to get a common language and set of paradyns. Therefore, he is reading disrespectfully.

That did not bother me on MB as much as it bothers me here. This forum requires a heck of alot more respect and understanding.

so, I am still thinkning on what I am going to do.

Is nothing sacred anymore?

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

And Jade,
whatr next, he feels threatened by my going to IC and spreading lies?

Then what am I to do?

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

the thought of perhaps having to leave SYMC is creating a lonely spot in my heart.

What else do I have to give up inorder to "save" our marraige?

I am supposed to give up tears
I am supposed to give up genuine love
I am supposed to give up "making love"
I am supposed to give up ENs
I am supposed to give up "emotional stability"
I may have to give up my marriage.

What else am I supposed to give up inorder for my H to feel comfortable in the marraige.

How do I POJA this site w/ him?
He doesn't under stand that we can both win, there fore the marraige wins.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

I just read something on 2long's thread that I have been thinking for a long time.

Is it possible to completely erradicatre a thread if one's spouse does decide to join the forum?

If that is possible, I would like to look into that as well.

At this point, it would not help my marraige for my H to officially and not secretly to read this thread.

He would be very confused and angry to even read about a PP. He would NOT and I repeat WOULD NOT understand the concept and would view it as a threat and a disrespectful altamadum ( i still cannot spell that word). I do not believe that he would see any good in it and wopuld use it as yet another excuse not to trust me.

me-42 yr o
H (WS)-46 yr o
met-feb 2001
M 06-23-01
BabyLuv born 01-24-02

absolute affairs (EA and/or PA) to date-3
two of these are reoccurring for the past three years, one of which is w/ X-W

susupected other affiars- 2

I may have been one of the OW, the one that got pregnant.

Hypatia... My H also at one time became angry because I was posting then on MB. He thought my actions and hurt only came after reading and posting to others. I had to make him see that MB did not cause the problem. It was him. MB gave me support i told him many times when I was thinking of leaving him and they, they were the ones that changed my mind. He should be thanking them. I also stated thru MB I learned how to handle my grief. MB did not cause my outburst, made me worse, nor did they take the pain away. What they did was help me cope.

Without online support I told him I might have been dead by now or left him. Now he understands and says go on as often as you like. If it helps you then I am all for it. It took him awhile to realize this.

I have no friends to openly talk about what H has done. I told him: "would you rather me start telling and talking to the neighbors about you?" He finally saw my point. At least these people do not know him.

I hope your H can come to understand that all of us on these boards need support. Many many times it is to the benefit of our spouses.

Talk to you later. Cleo

Well I hope he decides to join you here rather than you having to leave, that's for sure!

But giving up posting here and comparing it to your emotional needs, is two different things. You shouldn't have to compromise your ENs for anyone (within reason). Like I said, you know your H the best. I was just wondering if he's opposed to you posting your personal marriage problems on a public forum. Some people don't like that, some people do. But if he's using it as a way to control what you do, then that's a different story all together.

I wish you the best and I hope he comes around and decides to join you here.