Okay, I'm sure that alot of people ask this question, I am going to put this as bluntly and open as I can and maybe somebody out there can offer some advice...
Married 5 years on May 7th (coming up)
1 child from marriage, 1 from previous boyfriend 4 and 8
2 yrs ago my doc. put me on Effexor XR, in November of 2008 I went off of it cold turkey, apparantly leading to some very poor decision making and not completely in my right mind, as this was something I never dreamed would happen.

I had a very short affair with a man in another state, but pushed it to the point of almost moving to this state with him. This is how I know it was medication induced as I would have NEVER left my children...

I have come to terms with what I have done, but can't get past the point of thinking it was medication induced. I am trying to not, but all facts and time lines point to it, and Doc. agrees. Should I keep trying to get my H to relize this? or just let it go?

Almost lost my oldest to my poor decisions

I am still living in the home, he wants me out and we have begun to work on visitation/custody/division of property.

I have found a house I could live with, and am trying to come up with $$$ for it.

He has a new WF, a newly seperated W. He is spending tons of time with her and is insistant that they are just friends, but I feel he is doing exactly what I did, only not to me, but to the kids. I feel like I deserve what I get, at this point, but he comes home from work and goes immediatly to her house and stays til 1am or later most nights. I don't question too much, unless he did what he did a few nights ago which was sneak out after me and the girls fell asleep and left all the windows open including the two next to my oldest. I happened to wake up and see this. All I could think of was Elizabeth Smart...**** what was he thinking?

At this point I have told him that I would like to work on our marriage, very calmly, but inside I am screaming "I want you back! STop this nonsense and let's fix what I broke!" I obviously can't do this. I am scared that if I go ahead and move out, that we will never fix it, he will never come around, but then I think if I don't move out, he will hate me forever...I keep going back and forth.

Mentally I am getting better, finally the docs saw that I wasn't depressed to begin with, I had ADHD and am now properly medicated and am doing very well. I became emotionally detached from my children and my husband and am now getting it all back. It feels great but is heartbreaking at the same time. Now that I can see what I was doing, wow, it just doesn't make any sense! That wasn't me at all! He says he doesn't know who I am, doesn't know who he married and is adament about a divorce. But I see it like this, he bought the house before we were married and can actually kick me out anytime he wants, if he didn't want something from me, why hasn't he actually forced me out? My oldest could care less, but my youngest is devastated, she keeps saying Daddy is bad, she says God is telling her that mommies and daddies need to stick together and if we are honest with eachother, that we can forgive eachother...yes this coming from my 4 year old who hasn't seen the inside of a church a day in her life...we are not a religious family by any means. Yet God tells her these things?!?! He says I am putting this in her head, I have not fought this, I don't have any fight left in me, and he should be her hero, not somebody she hates...this is devastating!

At this point, is my marriage worth saving? Do I try and save it for my girls, even if he doesn't want to? How do I explain my feelings to him and make him actually listen? or do I just do what he wants and come up with the 1600 bucks it will cost for me to move out and just do it? He said he would move out, but then he would be moving in with this OW who happens to live directly across the street...my only problem with this is my daughter watching daddy come "home" every night...I don't see how this is okay, somehow he does....

Please make this make sense! My child is hurting so much inside, I took her best friend away from her (the OW's daughter, we were always good friends), her family is splitting up, I am devastated because I want my husband back, I just want to make this right...what do I do?

Hi Mommy1620,

I've not much advice for you, but wanted to let you know that you're being heard. I think its great that you're here and seeking help to save your marriage.

I will say that your husband is definitely having an affair with this other woman. Even if its not sexual yet (which appears doubtful), he is at the very least having an emotional affair at the expense of your marriage.

Some of the veterans will be along shortly to offer constructive advice. In the meantime, make sure you're eating and drinking enough, and looking after yourself.

Oh, and have you taken clear and transparent steps to end your own affair? Have you sent a no contact (NC) letter to the other man (OM)? Just telling your H that its over isn't enough.

Good luck for the tough road ahead! Make sure you stick around and keep posting and reading here. You'll find helpful and compassionate people to help you through this difficult time.

Cheers,

mommy,

Welcome to SYMC. We're sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I understand how it can hurt to hear a child in such pain.

How are you sleeping? Are you eating well? Do you have friends that can support you?

I'm a little confused by the timeline. Your oldest is 8 and you've lost them? Could you explain?

Have you exposed your H's affair to family and friends?

How are things at home? Are things calm or is there a lot of chaos? Is there screaming? What are the kids seeing?

I believe your marriage is worth saving but you can't fix your husband. Creating peace and demonstrating compassion can help your family. That doesn't mean you become a doormat. You need to clarify your boundaries to protect yourself.

HoFS

Thank you so much, it seems so many people here (in my town) are supporting him on this, I guess he is the more laid back one I am I stubborn outspoken and yankee...so it's nice to hear some words of confidence...
My oldest is by another man (highschool actually) He took me to court for EC because he said that my home was no longer stable (due to the divorce) He lost because I talked the judge into giving custody to my mother while the dust settles. Dad just has too much $$$ on his hands, people who go through divorces don't give up their kids...
STBX is really pushing buttons, he is trying to get me to blow up, yell at him...he is really pushing, I have not pushed back and have found a great website to help the kids get through it and help us as parents help them get through it...He refuses to do it, but I am following it to a "T". Screaming has dissapated a little and me moving out can only help at this point...
Sleeping, not so much, but eating well, still teaching (ballet) and working two jobs on top of that as I have to be able to feed this children and pay a rent....
Eating good, I make dinner every night for the girls and eat with them...we still do fun things together and that is helping me emotionally.l I have my moments but I am strong and can get through it...I just wish I knew at this point...How to fight the fight without hurting the girls?
Completely ended the affair, I don't even know if you call it an affair, more like a two night stand...occassionally he calls says hi and that's all, he lives 3 states away and understands my position, I was and am completely honest with him. I can never see him again, and really don't want to talk to him...when he does call I ignore or answer say "Hi I am alive okay" and that's all

Hi -

The D can be discouraging; hang in there. Peace and grace are always in style.

You might look up 'Detach with love', or other detachment articles.... At this time accepting that he's where he is, and not involving yourself may be best. This doesn't mean enabling his behavior, just accepting.

For your peace: No Contact means No Contact. Avoid any contact, change/block numbers if need be...

He's not going to be receptive until A plays out. You can however invest in understanding yourself and understanding what you think a successful M might look like in the furture.

Glad you're able to stay and do for the little ones!

ATB,
SB

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SeekingBetter,