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This message has been edited. Last edited by: stuckinamess,

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So, most of you have been following my dh's thread. Here I am also...

Welcome! Glad to see you here.

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I am somewhat scared to post out here in the open because I don't want him to read into my posts more than what it is or get upset by them. I think with open communication we will be ok though.

Congratulations on taking this big step! I'm sure it was difficult, but I think it is for the best.

This really got me thinking tonight. Being the BS, I can remember it being one my mind 24/7 for probably the first 6 months, and how draining that was. It must be draining all of the energy from both of you. My other thought was of transparent honesty, and how counter intuitive it can be. Many times lies of omission, we can justify by telling ourselves it's to protect anothers feelings. Is it that, or to keep ourselves from feeling bad or we are afraid of the reaction? The same with 'little white lies'. As a BS, you alway wonder if you know everything that happened, and the suspicion grows stronger each time you find another tidbit that was previously withheld. I suspect that many WS's give a general overview, thinking that it's painful enough without going into all the gory details. When the 'little things' come out later, it opens the wound all over again.

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Then I feel selfish, as if I have a right to ask for anything...

It should be an equal partnership with equal rights. Is there a compromise you can both agree on and be comfortable with? Perhaps both posting here, to fit with your schedules and discussions face to face as necessary (with time limits)?

Good luck to you both, and keep up the good work.
Joe

Tracie, the fear of the unknown...not knowing when the next question will come creates chaos and insecurity and instability in your life and in Will's. I firmly believe in the structure of having a set time. It doesn't have to be a lot. It can be 10 minutes. Be flexible, though. You could give Will tomorrow's 10 minutes to ask and you answer, and you could take the next day if you have questions for him to answer.

Yes, when it is discussed throughout the day, it is natural to feel like you're always talking about it. I really think it needs to be off-limits (PERIOD) anytime other than the designated time. And if a question is asked, or a comment made on the subject of the A, kindly and compassionately remind the other party that perhaps they should write it down for appointment time.

You've made a huge leap by opening this thread here, and I applaud your efforts - both of you!

Hey Tracie!!!

Welcome!!!!

YOur post speaks a lot to me and I am sure it was hard to do, so good for you!

I do know what you mean about setting aside time each day. I swear my husband and I see each other in passing some days with him working graveyard and me crazy-busy with grad school. It is hard but I feel making time is especially worth it when you are trying to recover your relationship. You guys can do it!!!

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I am stuck between wanting to be there for him and help him through this and feeling like this is all our life is about.

I know that feeling must be hard. The affair may take up a lot of energy in your relationship right now. What can you do to take care of yourself when you feel overwhelmed by that feeling?

I just wrote something on Will's thread about having some fun together. I think sometimes it feels like all the oxygen in the air is being sucked out by the affair-recovery energy. Is there something you guys could do that is just fun maybe once a week? It's not a fix-all for sure but every relationship needs to be fun once in awhile!

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Yes, when it is discussed throughout the day, it is natural to feel like you're always talking about it. I really think it needs to be off-limits (PERIOD) anytime other than the designated time. And if a question is asked, or a comment made on the subject of the A, kindly and compassionately remind the other party that perhaps they should write it down for appointment time

Boy, Sharen, I respectfully disagree. I think there needs to be limits of course and balance but....well, I don't know. "Off-limits (PERIOD)" seems a bit too, uhm....strict I guess. Having some reactions to your paragraph and will ponder and perhaps comment later.

Okay...

Here's the how the time setting thing works,

Take a half hour every day. Set an appointment time. He gets to ask you questions for 15 mins. and you answer.. You get to ask him questions for 15 mins and he answers. Another way of doing this is for one person to talk about how they feel for 15 mins and the other listens.. The listening partner is not allowed to speak during that time. Maybe you can make this a daily thing for the next month.

You also both have to agree NOT to bring up the hard upsetting stuff any other time of the day. If a question comes up that is going to require either alot of time or emotion, write it down and hold onto it for the next 1/2 hr meeting.

Oh and while you're doing this talking part. Sit facing each other and hold hands. Or sit next to each other and hold hands. Make sure there is contact... Both eye and hands. If one withdraws for a moment. Reach out and reassure with the touch.

What this does, during this intial time of regrouping and recovery is give you both breather time. During that breather time you do things to regain some romance, some time to renew your friendship...make some new happy memories.

After doing this for a month or so.. you can reassess if this is working for you.. or if you're both at a steady and comfortable enough space in your marriage that you don't need it anymore.

Tig.. its not about being strict, per se. Its about self control and moderation... Finding that there is a time and a place for everything. An example. Lets say you and your H are sitting on the couch cuddling. You're watching a funny movie. You're both comfortable, relaxed, enjoying your time. Building a good memory. All of a sudden a commercial thats triggering comes on. What do you do? Do you ruin that good memory/moment by talking about the A all over again because you were triggered? Or do you put it aside.. and regain that good moment/time... bringing up that concern/question/upset at the designated time.. When you are prepared for it. When it doesn't feel sprung out of nowhere. When it won't undermine all the good feelings you are building for that moment.

Tracie..I'm glad you're starting to feel more comfortable posting where your H is free to read. This is an important step in your marriage recovery.

I'm happy for you guys. I really, really am!!

Loui

Sorry we haven't been around much. Life has gotten hectic once again, and we are really trying to focus on spending time together and as a family.

Our youngest daughter is going to OT twice a week. We go to a counselor for her once a week, we are trying to see a counselor for us once a week, my oldest daughter made all county beginners honors orchestra for the violin and she has rehearsals one night week. Next week we start the Dave Ramse FPU through our church. I am also studying to add middle school math to my certificate. I am a special ed. teacher but with the economy and schools budgest the way they are I figure it doesn't hurt to diversify what I can teach a little.

We have had a few bumpy times lately. However, we have been able to work through them. I think right now we are closer than we have ever been. I have been having a hard time giving him the level of intimacy he wants in our marriage, which he deserves. I've never been able to give it to him. A lot of it has to do with the SA I dealt with as a child. He is aware of it, but never really knew or understood the impact it has on me and the way I feel about myself and intimacy (not just including sex). This week, I read to him what I posted on the BSA board. Most of it was my feelings of how I feel about myself. I think that was a huge turning point for us. One, he still loves me and accepts me and I think it made him more aware of why I am the way I am. It also allowed for him to realize it really is about my feelings about myself not him. He has been gentler and more loving. It also built trust and a connection between us. I cried and cried, and he just held me. It was wonderful.

Of course, I know things won't always be wonderful. But I believe for the first time in the 7 years we have been married that we are BOTH working on it together.

I am scared. We had a wonderful weekend. Last night dh found pic of me with OM from 12 years ago. I didn't know they were on the computer. I would have gotten rid of them. It hurt him terribly. I know and understand. I held him, tried to comfort him. I feel so awful for the pain I caused and I can't undo it. I can't just fix it.

I am there for him. I want to make this work. I am blessed and thankful everyday that he is forgiving me and giving our marriage another chance. I am heartbroken for the pain I caused him. I don't want to go to work. I just want to be with him, holding him, loving him, letting him know I am here, I am sorry, and I will spend the rest of my life showing him. How could I be so dumb? I had/have everything I have never needed right here. I just never let him love me. Too afraid to hurt, so I pushed him away. Its killing me....

I'm so glad you guys are working through stuff, sounds like it's going really well

I am furious and he doesn't seem to get it. The other day he found an ex-girlfried online (ding ding red flag). Aren't we going through this now? She sent him a message. He responded a couple of days later (don't know exactly what he said because it was magically deleted). he said he didn't know the number. My next question was, well once you realized it was her, why didn't you end the conversation? He didn't have an answer. He thinks that I should just be happy he told me.

Now he is mad because I am upset. Said I put back up a wall and am cold and distant. What do you expect? We went through this when we first got married. This is exactly how the A I was in started. I figured we would do more to protect our marriage. I am just devastated. I really thought we were on the same page.

Oh Tracie...I can see why you would be upset. It probably does feel like you are right back at square one.

But remember...he did tell you, and that is progress. It might be a reaction to the fact that he found a pic of you and OM. Even though it wasn't really something that you did to him...it might still have set him back and his reaction was to "show you how it feels". Not sure that is right...but maybe.

And if that is his reasoning or his motive there is a bigger problem than the exgf.

Things just aren't going well at all for us. Not a lot of arguing or anything like that. Just lots and lots of distance. I feel heants more from this marriage than I can give. I still believe/feel that it is more of a business partnership. We have tried to go out together a couple different times, just the two of us. Something always doesn't work out, it ends up being silent. Conversation is rare and when it exists it feels forced and fake.

He feels used and unloved. I feel pressured to give more than I can. I understand he wants intimacy and all of that stuff. It's not me. I have been honest and told him he is asking for a level that I am not willing to go. He will say that he will take what he can get then a week or so later he will tell me that he can't handle it, he wants more. It's a vicious cycle.

Things went from bad to worse. Not that it is surprising. We are working on an uncontested divorce now.

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Originally posted by stuckinamess:
We are working on an uncontested divorce now.

Is that what you want? Are you answering from a place of compassion?

HoFS

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Originally posted by stuckinamess:
Things went from bad to worse. Not that it is surprising. We are working on an uncontested divorce now.

Awww!

Are you making this decision from a grounded place? Or is it emotion based? Try to remove yourself from the emotion if you can.

He changed his mind and said that he would not allow for an uncontested divorce, he would fight me on the entire thing and refuse to sign the papers. We came to an agreement for me to stay in the marriage. Basically, take me as I am, I'm not going to counseling, etc. A business partnership of sorts. Sex but don't expect intimacy and so forth from me. I am still not ok with the amount of contact he has with his friend. I won't deal with it. It's funny to see how different his truth is from mine. He said that she was his line in the sand. That's fine. I never said they couldn't be friends. I said I was not thrilled with the amount of time they spend on the phone together. In March on the cell phone already they have spent almost 3 hours on the phone together. That's not including the house phone which can't be tracked. Last month they spent close to 10 hours on the phone. It will increase the next two months when they both work nights. They will talk for hours each night.

T, I'm going to post this on Will's thread as well, but what I see is both of you spiraling out of control, and yet trying to keep control.

You're on a very dangerous course. And you need help.

Please, please get Penny involved.

I agree we are spiralling out of control. I have been trying to end the ride. I appreciate the idea of Penny. However, I am done with the counseling, coaching, we've done it all before, yet we do nothing with it.

Right now, I would like to find a way to live peacefully between us in the house, until we can get a separation figured out.

stuck,

I think you're seeing how living peacefully in the same house is going to work with both of you guys hurting like you are. What are you going to do to respect yourself and to recognize that your H is also hurting?

HoFS

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Originally posted by HoFS_SYMC:
stuck,

I think you're seeing how living peacefully in the same house is going to work with both of you guys hurting like you are. What are you going to do to respect yourself and to recognize that your H is also hurting?

HoFS

We are tryiing to come up with an arrangement that gets him out of the house. Financially it's going to take a couple of months to do so.

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We are tryiing to

We, or you? Either way, I have this sneaking suspicion that there's more going on here than either of you is willing to say here.