Hi Susan

You mentioned 'effectiveness' rather than which would be most satisfying to you, so I'll ask the question - which of those do YOU think would be less likely to put OW on the defensive and more effective in encouraging her to think about the situation compassionately - if in her state of mind such a thing is possible?

Also I'll quote this from Penny's ebook (if that's ok Penny!)
"It is also possible that your spouse has told the affair partner he or she is already divorced, that you are a raving lunatic, or some other misrepresentation. A calm and collected letter or email may go a long way towards dispelling some half truths."

As an OW, I've never received a letter myself, but I have a pretty good idea of how I'd react to the 2nd one. I was once in the position of (sort of) BS and wrote something like the 2nd one to the OW - although I must say at the time I thought I was being restrained. The response was not pretty. Then again, it may not be pretty regardless. But it was certainly a lot more about venting than effectiveness. I think you already know the answer to the effectiveness bit.

#2 will not be effective, though I understand why you would want to say all those things. Go with #1.

ummm..

I would go with #1.. it puts you on a much higher road than #2 (which even though it probably makes you feel better to say is alot more attacking..) Honestly, as much as it is painful to think about, your H is just as much responsible for this A as she is. So I would keep it to stating the facts, how it has effected you and your family and what you want to see happen.

Loui

Of course, you guys are right. Keep it neutral as far as attacking goes. How does this one compare to number1?

Dear OW,

Since seeing you on June 13th with my husband I have learned through various means that you are having an affair with him. After 35 years, I still love him with all my heart and want to try to reconcile our marriage. I and my children are devastated by this affair and many of our familiies, friends and acquaintances who know us both (and some who know you too) are shocked and saddened and are supporting me in my belief that we can work on this problem together. I'm asking you to end this affair before irreparable harm is done to all ivolved.
Sincerely,
(me)

Also do you think it's too much if I added this in....
I cannot even begin to tell you how this has affected me. Becaus of this affair, I have lost the love of my life and the husband I thought would be mine until the day we died.

I don't know if I'd say "lost".. cause that sorta insinuates its a done deal and we're of course hoping that he'll end the affair.

Maybe more to the effect that he is the love of my life and my husband. His vow to me is (not was.. but is) that he would be with me until death do us part. I believe in those vows and I will fight for them.

Ya know.. something empowering that lets the OW know you aren't going to give up without a fight for what you believe in.

Loui

I think the addition is fine. Maybe to take out the done deal bit as Louie suggested, replace lost with "feel I am losing" or "may lose" or something?
I'm not expert but as an OW, you expressing your deep hurt as you've written it would be more likely to make me feel terribly guilty than if you wrote something about fighting for him. It's hard to see the hurt caused sometimes so I think what you wrote is good. And definitely better than the previous draft saying she just wanted money - for all you know she is head over heels in love. But even if she is - if she has a conscience, this may appeal to it.

Hey Susan - when's the wedding? Did it happen already? How'd it go?

Hi and thanks everyone for the input - i still haven't sent the letter yet - cold feet! The wedding was Saturday and it was beautiful - the bride and groom looked so happy! Everyone said they had a fabulous time. It was a bit uncomfortable for me but I didn't show it at all. I sparkled and fluttered and everything!!
my husband seemed uncomfortable with the whole thing - he hung out with his guy cousins by the bar and spent a good deal of time in the lobby apparently texting on his cell....wanna take a guess with who? Didn't see him leave and he didn't come to brunch the following morning....(that was Sunday) On Monday - I was an emotional wreck - feels like everytime I see him it happens. Will try not to see him again until I really have to....

I'm glad you made it through so well, and I'm not surprised at the emotional toll it took. Now it's time for that wonderful peace that comes of choosing to step out of someone else's chaos. Treasure it!

So glad it went well! That must be a load off.
BRILLIANT work with the fluttering.
Yep sounds like your H is having to deal with some of his consequences. Good.
Sorry you were a wreck though. Anyway sounds like you will be able to protect yourself better from that with the wedding out of the way and no need to see him?

Thanks - the past two days at work have been so relaxing! (even with teaching 23 4year olds!) Now I felt like yes! it's time for me to find out who I am - stand on my own and enjoy. Why does something always seem to be against me. Listened to a phone message from the other house and heard a message from a loan company saying needed to talk to H before giving an accurate approval and something about not a problem...oh boy! is he trying to remorgage our vacation house without me knowing? I didn't think you could do that if the deed was in both our names......so just when IthoughtI could relax a bit, I called the lawyer instead and am waiting fr a call back. **** - just wanted to stretch outthe separation and now I'll probably have to file to protect assets..... Can they do a discovery without filing for a divorce?

I DID IT! I sent the letter. Does it sound ok? (I edited out names)
Dear ow,

We have met on several occasions, most recently on (date) at our family's vacation home in the (name of town). I have wanted to write you since that day but I wasn't sure how to approach my letter to you. After a lot of soul-searching I realize that it is very simple – just say what I need to tell you. My husband and I have been married for 31 years and like most married couples who stand the test of time we have had some challenges such as the deaths of a daughter and our mothers and simpler things like work schedules and trying to find enough time for each other but through it all, we loved, supported and respected each other very much and always came out on top. We have a wonderful family and our two sons and our new daughter-in-law love their father with all their hearts as do I and we miss him so much.

I know you are aware that we have been separated since the spring and I am asking you to end your relationship with my husband so that he and I can have the opportunity to reconcile. I want you to know that I am strongly determined to show him through my actions that I love him unconditionally and consider my vow to him as sacred and lasting and worth every effort on our parts to reunite. We have been together since (year) and we have such a wonderful history together – it deserves to continue for the rest of our lives.

Our entire family has been so hurt by this separation – H, myself and our sons - and I have a sincere responsibility to do everything I can to show my husband the power and integrity of my love for him. I will go to great lengths to prove this to him – enough for him to see that we belong together.

ow, when I met you two summers ago, we chatted at the (name) Bar and I thought then that you seemed to be a nice person who was working hard to help (name) during her illness and I respected that.

Please respect me and what I am strongly asking you. Our family needs to be whole again, I need my husband whom I love very much and I think that h understands my feelings for him – we have been together throughout our entire adult lives. Our marriage deserves this chance. Please end your relationship with him so that we can stop all this hurt and pain.

Sincerely,

Wonderful! Must feel good to put that out there.

No matter how she responds, or how your h does either for that matter, she can't unhear it or claim not to know that you love him and want your marriage to survive.

Hugs to you

P

Very nice Susan. Very respectful and reasonable. I know it must have been hard to take out of it the accusations and feelings you have about her - but it's wonderful that you did, hopefully it feels better for you too.

"Thank you so much Penny and Mags - it does feel like a weight has lifted. I hope she receives the email and I really don't expect her to reply. I have more to say but I feel so drained right now and I don't think I can express myself well. I will write again tomorrow. Thank you again for caring.

Susan

Hi Susan
It's good that you dont expect a reply - if you were 'waiting' for one it would be unpleasant.
But also - if she does reply - try and see it for what it is. There's a chance that your letter will activate some guilt/defensiveness/core hurts for her, and she will feel the need to attack/justify/defend, and if she does that - it probably won't come out well. It certainly won't be "I see the error of my ways and I'm sorry" - it would be more likely to be some kind of justification, and if she is really feeling a lot of discomfort over what she's doing, it could be quite attacking, and possibly self righteous. That's what sort of reply I received when I wrote a letter to a (sort of) OW. And it had me fuming.

So I just wanted to say - JUST IN CASE that happens - be prepared and don't let it shake you. Try and see through her words to her hurt, guilt, and discomfort, and her struggle to make her incompatible actions and values match up. I couldn't see that at the time with that OW, but now I can.

I am anxious to know if I will get a reply about the letter from OW and/or H. I have a feeling not. Especially since H still doesn't admit to having an affair. Wow - I had to send him some info regarding bills and I didn't mention it in that email. I know I have to sit tight. I have told him that I am serious about keeping my vows and I have been sending him chatty notes every once in a while - friendly, a bit of reminiscing about events but not in a mopey or desparate way at all. Here and there I have been interjecting things that refer to occasions where there have been misunderstandings - again in a chatty way. Do you think this is ok? I have the Mort Fertel program and he is an advocate of trying to keep in touch and continue to show love. It's hard to do because we don't see each other very often or for any length of time but I'm trying through email. I think that I have to stop with the emails and maybe just send a written note or card once in a while. I am afraid to lose touch and grow apart but I don't want to do damage. Any advice? Thanks a lot! Susan

Hi mags! Our posts crossed! I know what you are saying - and I prepare myself for the type of letter you describe if she responds....

I'm thinking that if she does, I will NOT reply - not wanting to get down to that level. If it is really nasty, do I forward it to my husband???? Susan

Hi, Susan. I am so sorry to find you in such a difficult, painful place. Personally, I prefer the first letter as it sounds stronger and less "victimy" to me. However, I think you should allow Louie, Just J, Penny and others to weigh in before proceeding. I'll be sending good thoughts your way and wishing you all the best, BWA.