You know Susan, I remember how you acted at your son's wedding, and how I cheered at your actions that day. There are some people who react to this heart-wrenching pain with such immense grace that they seem to be on a different plane than the rest of the world. I know if may not seem that way to you, but I can see the difference -- and I am so glad that difference has led to you reuniting with your husband!

I do hope you'll check in on us all now and again, particularly over in the Marriage 911 forum. There are several couples here that no longer have to deal with infidelity, but that doesn't make our marriages perfect. The more support we can give each other, the better!! (And for me personally, I could seriously use from role models on how this whole marriage thing is supposed to work. I'm just kinda stumbling along in the dark these days. It's fun, but I worry about falling into holes because I don't know they're there.)

Oh Susan! I'm so glad!

Thanks guys. I definitely will check in on the marriage 911 forum. There are always issues and surviving infidelity is something that I have no experience with - every day is a new day and mostly I talk to myself. It will be good to talk to others I think and maybe compare notes. Sometimes I wonder why I feel the way I feel - how I have been able to put most of the hurt behind me - why is it that I can trust wholeheartedly again ---so many different feelings but mostly I am so grateful and happy that I didn't give up, that I was optimistic and stubborn and patient and that the bottom line was my faith in love and my belief in and my understanding of this man that I shared 35 years of my life with. It feels so great to be able to forgive, to be understanding and to listen to what was going on with him... to empathize. About the other woman I have mixed feelings and I want to let go of my feelings about her (don't know if that will ever happen and actually most of the time I just want to hate her guts but maybe that points to my own insecurities? I will visit 911 - maybe others who have been reconciling can offer their insights. Thanks again!

If you ever feel like sharing more about the whole thing Susan - the story about him coming back, what you did find was going on with him, etc. etc. I'd be very interested to hear it.
But if you don't want to rehash it that's fine too - it's only my curiosity nothing more constructive than that! I guess it always confuses me where people turn into complete strangers for a period and then become the people we knew again - I'll never really understand it I suppose.

I've been so wanting to fill you in on what happened with me and H but honestly have been so busy just enjoying our new start. Not without a few hitches which is to be expected. Now I have a problem and I'm not sure how to deal with it. First, I trust h with my heart but I also trusted him before he asked for divorce (affair)....He has been truthful if not happy to give details. The thought that anything could be happening still doesn't seem possible and again, I am aware that it's the same way I felt before so I know there's always a chance even though it seems so unlikely to me. Here's the problem....I received a restricted phone call on my cell in May - a woman (could have been the ow) telling me that I didn't know her but that she wanted to let me know that h was in contact with ow again. The caller said she felt "she needed to tell me after everything that he put me through". I didn't give any feedback just said thanks and hung up. Immediately told h and saw the look of surprise on his face. We were away for the weekend at the time and I was in a dressing room tryin on swim suits for a future vacation week in Auust) He couldn't imagine who would do something like that and I said it very possibly was the ow. He didn't want to discuss any further then tell me it was bs and that he loved me and was really happy and things have been very good..... I asked if he had talked to ow and he told me that she had been calling him and texting him. He said he told her he is NOT interested and that's that. Now the tricky part: today I took a look at old cell phone bills and saw that yep, he did talk to her a few days before I received my call. Only thing is the bill said that he made the call and that it was for 3 1/2 hours...... that was in May and there have been no more phone calls on the cell phone since then from him to her. I did see a few calls that didn't show a phone number but in her area coming in to him that only were for 1 minute. We've been together everyday so I know he hasn't seen her (100% positive) So what do I do? I don't want to say I looked at the bills but I think that I could just say I received another phone call from the "unknown woman" and that she told me again that he called the ow and talked for 3 hours and that she said she is emailing me the proof......then see what he has to say....or is that just too juvenile? The other thing I was thinking was to let him know that I'm happy - that I have given him my heart twice and that even through all that, once in a while that little green monster shows her face and it would make me feel so much better if he would block her from his cell and erase his email account and start a new one or at least block her from it. I know this isn't going to make a big huge diff if he really wants to talk to her. My other alternative is to keep quiet and just keep an eye on things and keep working and building on our relationship. He seems so sincere and I truly believe he wants to be with me. But sometimes I wonder if it's because he wants to do the right thing and he loves me and is content now when what I really want is for him to be Passionately in love with me and can't live without me!!!????? HELP!!!!!!

Oh Susan I'm sorry you're going through these feelings again.
Could I ask - when he came back - what were the terms you laid down for this? Was he to give you complete transparency over his communications? Did he promise to let you know any time he contacted her or she contacted him? Did you make it clear that this was essential to his returning... or were you just so glad he came back that you didn't push it...

If it wasn't a condition - I think it would be worth having the discussion NOW about what rules he has to abide by for your relationship to work. I don't think checking his cellphone bills is something you need to be ashamed of GIVEN what happened in the past - so why don't you want to tell him you checked them? A condition of his coming back should have been that you would have free reign to check them until YOU have built up sufficient trust again. Don't make up silly stories about the ow calling again to avoid 'getting in trouble' with him. HE'S the one who did stuff wrong, HE is accountable, HE does not get to get mad at you for checking his phone bills. I would talk to him about how much honesty he is willing to give, and let him know that the current level is not acceptable.

I worry about you Susan, because I've seen you be the doormat to him and I see signs of it happening again. Where is that strong woman who you grew into in the time he was away! The one who could take him or leave him - and if she took him it would be on HER terms. You don't need to hide, you don't need to keep the peace - YOU ARE A WONDERFUL STRONG WOMAN AND >>>>>HE<<<<< is lucky to have >>>>>YOU<<<<<. And HE needs to put in the work to keep you. Not YOU run circles to make excuses for him.

On the topic of his actual calls - you may be right and it's nothing. As a WS I know it's easy to slip in NC, and chances are if it were starting up again then unless he's bought a new cellphone you would see it on the bills. He's probably just dealing with the trailing issues, etc etc, and to me (not to many people here though) that's not the end of the world. Or it could be worse, who knows.
BUT... without honesty you guys are not in a very secure place. And I think that YOU are selling yourself short for HIS happiness... like you have before... and that's not a good place either.
He admired you when you were strong and independent, remember? When he couldn't walk all over you? He may rant and rave at being called to account now but inside I can't help thinking it might make him value you more. I think you guys could use some honesty guidelines being set down.

Hope you are doing ok

Personally, I think you should listen to that little green monster. Now, let me be really really clear about what I mean. I mean LISTEN. That's different than acting on what she wants to do!

So if you listen to the little green monster and she's jumping up and down screeching "GET HIM GET HIM GET HIM HE'S WITH SOMEONE ELSE GET HIM AND HER TOO!!!"

Then first you listen. Really hear what your little green monster warning system is saying. In this case, you may need a translation, which is this:

"My subconscious warning systems are on red alert and screaming that something is wrong, and that my husband may be spending time with his affair partner again."

And then you can process that through your rational, calm self to see what you're going to do about it. Some of which you've already done.

"Hmmm. If he is back in contact, there will be evidence."

Yes, you checked and there is. Little green monster alarm goes off even more.

"Now I have evidence that he was in contact and he lied to me about it."

At this point, you face another internal warning system that goes something like this: "MUST PROTECT INFORMATION SOURCES! CANNOT GIVE AWAY SECRETS! MUST AVOID APPEARING TO BE AN EVIL MANIPULATIVE JEALOUS WIFE!!"

Here, too, is a good place to listen and really hear what your insides are saying. A possible translation? "The thought of confronting him about this again makes me nervous."

So I would get grounded and calm. And then sit down and present him with factual information. The printout of the cell phone bill is an excellent factual presentation. "You said that she had called and texted you, which appears to be true. However, you omitted the 3 1/2 hour call that you made to her. I would like to know about that call and what you talked about. And I want to know about everything else you haven't told me."

What's good, here, is that there is so little recurrence of contact. We could wish for none, of course, but keep going. Like mags said, he admires you when you're strong and independent. Look at him with clear eyes and challenge him to come up to your level.

quote:

Personally, I think you should listen to that little green monster. Now, let me be really really clear about what I mean. I mean LISTEN.

oh..PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, take it from one who knows...LISTEN to the little green monster.

hugs to you Susan

thanks so much everyone. I don't know why I think that I am so dumb when it comes to all this....I have learned in the past several months that it helps to not act immediately and to be calm and grounded before I speak - same advice I have received from all of you. Yes, I am paying attention to the green voice but I am also weighing it aainst h's behavior towards me which is so good. I believe that he is happy being with me again and that he will be staying and working on our relationship. There are times when I see he is frustrated with the real world aspect of being in a family again - aggravations over our sons, home responsibilities, etc. but he has also told me and shown me that he is happy with being a couple again. I guess I am still surprised that I am the strong one when it comes to this and that he needs help from me, albeit help that is not overtly spoken of as help. I will discuss the phone calls with him but I will definitely choose the right time and place and I will not be accusatory - I want to tell him sincerely that I have given myself 100% back into the relationship and I want to be assured that he has too (I know he will say he has) and that I will feel happier knowing that she is completely wiped out (blocked from phone, new email address etc.) Of course I know that if he chooses to, he can contact her without my knowing but I trust he won't if he tells me he won't (here, I will still be on alert and I suppose I need to accept that this will be with me for a long time if not for always but I can deal with that). My mind tells me that he has some guilty feelings about the relationship with OW and that in his mind he felt she did nothing wrong - he broke off with her when he realized that he wanted me not her. Her calling me and telling me that he was back in contact with her I am sure went a long way in showing him that she was vindictive and trying to hurt us - I think that the long phone conversations -when I went back to look at the bill when I was calmer - were not as long as I thought although lengthy - 15 min., an hour and two hours - were all about her trying to convince him that they should be together and I think he let her talk and I believe that he did tell her that it was over. I'm sure I will never know the whole truth about the conversations - my h's feelings are that my knowing details will only hurt me and he continues to tell me that going back over everything in detail will only cause pain and problems --he's probably right about that and I do know that much of his time without me, on the surface, was full of activity and fun but for a guy going through a mid-life crisis I can see that for awhile it was true. But when the real feelings finally surfaced his emotions gave him a humongous kick in the a. Knowing h they were probably subconscious - I try to put words to his feelings because he has such a hard time doing that - I hope he can learn because it can only make him a better person - the person I hope he is. In the meanwhile I am going to give myself a kick in the a for almost falling back into the "I'm not good enough" trap. I acknowledge that I have a problem with that even though I have improved SO much! I need to get on here and talk to you guys more often and talk to my girlfriends too. I do not want to isolate myself and depend on h for all of my emotional needs - NOT GOOD. But I do want him to be my main man - the one I can go do with anything and not fear what his reacion will be. Thinking first before saying what I want to say is important and I'm scared because the last time I expressed concerns to him I got hit with the email divorce request! I hardly expect that to happen again, but I know that however small the chances of that ever occuring again it is not impossible. Whew! We are going away in a week and I think I want to have fun and relax and take each day as it comes....and one day when we are perhaps lying on the beach I will initiate a conversation - not playfully but in a way that is strong and positive - then we will see what his reponse will be...... I don't want the green monster on my shoulder - life's too short for that -
He says he is "here" and he loves me and he will never leave again - he's sorry about what he has done and wishes we had tried to work on our relationship before he asked for a divorce. At the time he said he was afraid that if he had told me that he was unhappy enough to leave things would have changed for a little while and then gone back to the way it was....he said it took him a long time to work up the courage to try again and now he thinks it was a mistake to think that way. All well and good when you minus out the ow factor. For that he told me the reason for that was because he had already decided that divorce was the only alternative. Probably his mind convinced him of that to assuage the guilt --- I know he is curious about how our mutual friends and family felt about him - once in a while he asks me questions but I can tell he doesn't want me to think he is that interested. I've been rambling, I know, but you all know what I'm talking about and it helps to verbalize my thoughts - thanks for listening and I will be returning to talk again....

You're going in a good direction, Susan. I'm really looking forward to what happens next. oh, and when you feel ready, I do hope you'll start advising and mentoring others!

thanks - as far as advising others it would be my pleasure although I can only speak from my own experience .... which I guess is true for all.... Helping others can help oneself. That I am sure of. do you suggest just responding to other's posts or should my thoughts go through someone else first?

Hey Susan
Glad to hear you sounding better. And yes, I hope you don't let yourself get in the habit of selling yourself short again.
I'd still like to know - what were the honesty criteria laid down for his coming back?

I guess to be honest I'm pattern matching here - the not wanting to give you details - the (it sounds like) you not laying down that honesty is a condition of his return, sounds so much like Sandy's story that's making me so sad right now. I know things are much more complicated than that but it worries me anyway.

Let us know how you go when you have your talk with him anyway! All the best.

You know mags, to me the honesty part has a lot to do with knowing h for 35 years and also the way he is acting now as opposed to the way he acted before the break up. When h and I got back together the "pact" we made was never keeping problems to ourselves anymore. To me, that was most important because I believe that not communicating in the right way was the biggest (and probably the main) reason we had a problem in the first place. I vowed to myself that from that point on I would communicate in a non-accusatory way but that I would tell him if anything was bothering me regarding our relationship. H said he truly believed that I didn't care about him anymore and he needed a companion and I hadn't been one to him in a very long time. He opened my eyes to a lot of things that were so wrong in our marriage - things that I had been ignoring - He so surprised me, mags! He was right about that and I was so angry at first that he didn't tell me, then I was angry with myself too because it was true and I never did anything about it - I just blamed him and became so resentful. I was angry with both of us and then I was glad that we had this chance to make it right - affair or not..... H is less likely to initiate conversations directly about how he is feeling about us, so I do ask him every once in awhile and I am hoping to initiate some kind of plan where we take the time frequently to talk about not only our future plans but also how we are feeling emotionally. He opens up more frequently now but I can tell that it's hard for him. When I look back at his parents' relationship I know that they probably never once talked about things of that nature and I believe that people learn a lot about how to be in a relationship from their parents. It is my wish and my goal for h to be more comfortable about communicating his needs and for me to learn to communicate mine in a more effective way.

To completely answer your question, I did tell h that I needed him to be honest with me and to tell me what I wanted to know. He agreed, but he feels strongly that if we "go back" as he puts it, it will only lead to problems and it will hurt me and we will begin fighting. I told him that yes, it probably will hurt me but then I think it will be easier for me to let it go. On occasion, he has told me things and I probably did react badly (dumb of me!) and he said, See? I told you! He gave me is email password for one of his accounts and there were some old letters that I read of course....when I asked him about what he had written, he insisted that I shouldn't believe everything that I read - that what he said to ow wasn't true and that he loves me, is happy now and that's that. First, the letters gauled me because they were more communicative than he had ever written to me and also because if they were a lie like he said, then he was acting in a way that I wouldn't think that he would. I am NOT siding with OW but I find myself thinking that he surely led her on and I almost feel sorry for her!!!! DUH - am I dumb or what??? He told me that he had fun, that she was nice but that he was definitely not in love with her or meaning to spend the rest of his life with her- she has two young kids and one older one and is in the process of divorcing her second husband - I honestly couldn't imagine him wanting that type of life again but at the time like I said, he was not himself. He told me that he was planning eventually to move south on his own---who knows? I found out that he had a vasectomy last fall- he seemed a little hesitant to tell me that but it came out when I questioned him about a meds bill that I saw and also asked him about getting tested for std's when he came back. There are two small things that I want him to do and I won't rest until I see them through even though they are small, they will make me happy. I want him to eliminate an old email account that he won't give me the password to...he's being "cute" about that because of course I know he could just delete anything that might be there that he would prefer I not look at (old stuff) but I just want him to delete the account because I am not happy about the idea of her emailing him at all even though I'm not worried he would ever resume their relationship. Cell phone is my number one thorn in my side....She could call him or text him anytime she wants and if she called me then of course she may very likely cal him although she hasn't for more than 2 months......The last time she did he told me that he let her know that he was back with me and that he didn't want to discuss anything else with her and she hasn't called on his cell anymore since then. I would like it if he blocked her. Of course I know that if he wanted he could contact her and probably she could contact him anyway - it's just the gesture about caring about me that I want him to do this for me. He teases sometimes about his time away from me and I think that's a good sign - if there was anything going on I doubt very much he would say a word - I know I wouldn't. I have a woman's romantic heart and I wish that he will say to me I love you so much that I am willing to do whatever you need me to. That's not h and never has been. He does say I love you and oftentimes I get kisses and hugs "just because" but the romantic words don't come easy to him.....how do I get him to learn that - or should I just be content with the person he has always been - a man of actions not words. I just want to know what's in his head but is it at the risk of opening up Pandora's Box?

Glad to hear it sounds like your relationship has opened up a lot more and you've both learned things that will help you strengthen it.
And no, it's not dumb to feel sorry for OW. She was almost certainly also very hurt by what happened - you saw what he wrote to her and she would have believed it, and then felt horribly betrayed by him saying it wasn't true - being the one to do 'wrong' doesn't make being treated like that hurt any less. Being able to feel compassion for her is better than hating her. So that's nice to hear too.
If you know he loves you without the romantic words... then maybe it's not necessary for him to learn. If he's anything like my H he's not going to be able to learn it if it doesn't come naturally to him anyway! Whaddya do.

Good luck with it all.

Hi Susan313

To answer the question about posting:

Yes - posting about your own experience is very helpful.

People here posting on my thread gave me something to help me focus when I was in the midst of nearly unbearable chaos.

All the best,
SB

Well, after 7 months of bliss, guess what hubby did? He looked at me and said, I'm not happy. What? Total shock and disbelief. No warning, no clue...just I'm not happy and up and left.(September 10th) Back to square one only worse this time because I was truly happy and I thought he was too. It was like a 7 month honeymoon and I am just now trying to sift through everything and try to make some sense of it all. I haven't emailed him a ton like last time but I have written stuff and I haven't sent it - I tried talking to him but he isn't interested. Just to give you an idea of how my mind is going - here is a letter I wrote and will NOT send. Sorry if it is a little graphic - if it's too much please delete it with my apologies. I need to vent and get some advice/opinions.... I am hurting. Susan

I hope you can cut me a little slack. My life sucks right now. I am so lonely I think I’m going to scream. The phone doesn’t ring, nobody calls me. I have seen P & K (my son & d-i-l) once since you left and P dropped by himself twice for 2 minutes…to get some sheet rock…He doesn’t want to hear me and he says don’t ask him for a dollar….so that’s how my kid will take care of me P….I don’t want him to but it would have been nice to get a little love, you know?

God’s honest truth? I need somebody to say Susan it’s gonna be alright. You’re a good person and you didn’t deserve this ****. I look at what my life is now and what it will be and it is not what I thought it would be. You’re probably partying right now – it’s Saturday night and it’s Halloween. J went to AC with his friends and me and Delilah the dog are hangin out. I’m having about my 10th cup of coffee…doesn’t matter cause I don’t sleep well anyhow. Am I mad at you right now. Yes, I guess I am. Why? because you were selfish. How did you think I would feel anyway? You know how much I liked being with you and you also know that I’m no good without you. But you didn’t care at all, right? You just wanted what you wanted and I’m still not so sure what the hell that is? You didn’t really say. You just said you were unhappy. So how come we couldn’t talk about it and figure out why and maybe we both could have done something to make you happy. I guess you didn’t say everything. You really meant you are unhappy with me. The only thing that that concludes is that you are happy with somebody else, right? T. (the ow) Of course. What a jerk you are! What a big time creep. You are sleazy and disgusting. I don’t understand why anyone who knew you before can even stand the sight of you. So I guess you feel more comfortable with your PA hillbillies. Do you feel superior? Does it give you a shot of self-esteem because you think you are so much better? I hate to break it to you but you don’t deserve to feel happy when you dumped your family for a whore. It’s gonna come crashing down on you one of these days. My hate will dissipate and then I won’t give a s*** about you anymore. But right now I do hate you. I hate you because you think you are doing me a favor by giving me some crumbs. Of course I know you are taking care of yourself first – that’s P. But let me tell you something, if you gave me all your money it wouldn’t be enough for taking 32 years of my life. When I think about all the compromises I made over the years to make you happy and for you to have what you wanted most of the time. Everybody thinks so, not just me so shut up and listen for a change .You used me and I’m not happy about it. You brow beat me and you were nasty to me for a lot of years and you made me depressed because I believed you. I believed I wasn’t good enough. Now I know the truth, I was too good for you and I still am. If I had my own money I would leave you in the dirt. I wouldn’t look back. You are a lousy person and you are annoying too. Everything always has to be about you. Well I’m tired of it and I don’t care if I’m lonely at least I don’t have to look at your face or smell your old man body anymore. (Deleted some stuff here about "manhood") you idiot. I am so glad that you are such a turd because I don’t have to care about you anymore and I am justified because I never would have done the things that you have done –not ever. You are the lowest of the low. Go screw yourself into oblivion and know that everyone is laughing about you behind your back. You are a joke – an ugly middle aged guy who dyes his hair and shaves his hairy back. Yuck- you make me want to puke sometimes. I hate you so much……I hope someday somebody does to you what you did to me. I would want to cry and god help me I would feel sorry for you. Just the thought of seeing sadness on your face makes me feel so terrible for you. You see goddammit what I am? I am a bullshit artist. Everything I’ve typed is bullshit to try to make myself feel better. Why do I still want you when you've done this to me? Why do I think it is an emotional crisis that you can't help or control? How could you have lied so well for 7 months? I don't think anyone could have done that and that's why I believe it must be an illness....somehow.

I don’t want you to feel hurt. I don’t want you to not love me. But what can I do? I love you so much and my feelings are so hurt because of what you have done to me. How could you do this to me? How? It’s too much P. I loved you I trusted you I believed in you and you let me down. You hurt me. What’s wrong with you?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Will I ever get over it? Please let me get over it.

I forgot one more thing - the most important on. I have done something extremely stupid. I quit my job - it was the one thing that interfered with my marriage and I have been saying it for years. One person can't be retired and able to go wherever when the other is stuck in a 9to 5 five days a week. It's what gave my h all the free time to "get into trouble". While I know it was his choice and it really didn't have anything to do with me - it still made it pretty easy you have to admit. I told him that I wanted to quit and before he decided to leave we agreed on one more year to save a few extra bucks for a new house in DE to retire to. Everyone said to me I should have quit last June and be done with it and looking back they were right. I doubt H would have been backtracked. He didn't want the stress of 2 houses in 2 states and I think he was very unhappy with it all. Again, not a reason to divorce your wife but coming off of our separation such a short time ago and being not quite comfortable yet, it made it so much easier for him to give up. Now of course I know that quitting my job is not going to all of a sudden make him wake up and realize it would be a good thing to continue working on our relatonship. That was a crazy night's bright idea and the next morning I just called in and said I quit....I can hardly believe I did it. Now I am really in trouble - no job, no money and H doesn't know yet. I will tell him Tuesday via a letter when my son goes to bowling league with him. God help me.

Oh SUSAN


I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say.

Regarding the job... is it a situation whereby you can explain to them what happened and how frazzled you were and that you'd like to take it back? Or is it done and dusted?

quote:

Well, after 7 months of bliss, guess what hubby did? He looked at me and said, I'm not happy. What? Total shock and disbelief. No warning, no clue...just I'm not happy and up and left

Susan, Mags told me to come on over here and read. I can tell you, I'm not on the board much anymore but I can relate completely.

Little bio here from me. H left me and our DD6 at the time, and had an affair with a 20 yr old coworker. 18 years his junior. The love of his life, or so he told her. Was gone and messed up in that from Sept 07-August 08 while I thought both myself and our little girl would simply die from all of that. Came back in Aug and said he had made a horrible mistake. Would spend the rest of his life making it up to both of us. Put my ring back on my finger and swore on our lives that he meant it. Aug 8, 2008. Jan 11th 09 or there about, he was gone. Said there was no spark. Simply shocked I was. Went about picking myself and our little girl up once again and then he filed for divorce, without even telling me. We had been married for 10 years by that time and togheter for almost 15.

What can I say? I have endured the worst thing in my life that besides something happening to my kids, that I can imagine.

But I am growing stronger everyday. Everything I told this man that would happen if he continued on this path, has happened. But he didn't care. He just wanted out. He got his divorce.

Since then, I have endured this divorce, lost my beautiful home and all my childs pets, my health insurance. Everything I thought we couldn't live without. I have gone from a stay at home mom, to a mom who is working three jobs to keep a roof over our head.

But, it's a nice roof. We are healing. We are happy finally and healing and we are moving on.

XH on the other hand, has his face pressed up against the glass like a pitiful child who has been caught doing something wrong and is now on the outside looking in.

But, this was his choice and when I look back now, it was the best thing that could have happened. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy and not to have him calling the shots and making the choices over how my life will play out.

quote:

God’s honest truth? I need somebody to say Susan it’s gonna be alright. You’re a good person and you didn’t deserve this ****

Susan, It's going to be alright. You are a good person and you didn't deserve this. None of us deserved this. I certainly didn't deserve to have my heart broken not once, but twice by this man. This little girl here, who had her childhood ripped from her at 6 years old and is just now starting to heal at 8, didn't deserve it either.

I can tell you with all honesty, right now, when I see him, when I look at him. I pity him. He is pathetic.

You will get to that place as well. I know it doesn't seem like it now, because it's like a scab that was healing and it's been ripped off and it always hurts twice as much the second time.

But now, you need to pull deep down within yourself to come up above all of this. Rise above it Susan. Those who have been here for a long time will tell you that I was one who said, no I can't do this, no I can't do that and on and on.

But I've done it. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. But I am a fighter, when it comes right down to it, and I bet you are as well. I do it every day because I have to. And each day that passes, I get a bit stronger.......

And by the way...the affair with the 20 year old ended. They never last.

Stop what you are doing now. Do not wallow. Pull from within yourself the strength that got you through the first time this happened. Pull on that.

I don't know about you, but the second time he left, I shut down. Completely. I felt nothing, after the initial shock and I bet you will get there as well. It was a coping mechanism that the body knows to use, to help us through bad stuff..

Emotions gradually came back, but not in the grief stricken waves of the first time.

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Will I ever get over it?

I don't think we ever get over the losses in our lives. How we choose to walk our life path after them though, makes all the difference.

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How could you have lied so well for 7 months? I don't think anyone could have done that and that's why I believe it must be an illness....somehow.

BTW, I have asked myself this as well. But you know what, it's not for me to worry about. I finally came to that conclusion. There are just people in this world that no matter how well we think we know them, they lie.

Mental illness..I think it plays some sort of a part as well. But once again, there is nothing I can do about it, or you, or anyone. People pretty much know right from wrong. It's what they do with it that matters. For me, I am much happier now, being away from whatever it is that drives this person to do the things he does in the delusion he calls his life.

Time to concentrate and focus on Susan.