Thank you Mags and Sandy. You know Sandy, I relate so much to what you said. When H left this second time - I was just in shock and you're right - I didn't feel....I was actually surprised - no tears. I forced myself once to try because I got scared that I didn't. I thought maybe all my tears had been shed the first time. Now I think that because it happened once before, it wasn't so new and I also knew that I dealt with everything that needed to be dealt with. It is o incredible to me, how alike people are. Your H and mine both coming back and then saying it wasn't working for them. Mine said, He didn't feel the connection....when I can make a list of so many times in the past 7 months that it felt like an awesome connection to me....I don't have any concrete evidence, but I know in my heart that he went back to OW. I also believe that it won't last but then you never know. far as my job goes, I sent an email saying pretty much what you suggested....we'll see but I doubt I'll be asked to return - I think that I am replaced already. I need to find something else and maybe I need a break from teaching right now - it asks too much that I don't have the heart to give. I just wish money was not an issue but isn't it always? I do have my kids - I think my older son is ticked off at me for trusting his dad-when he came back one of the first things my son said was, Mom, don't trust him - I had saved up some money -more than half a year's salary -my emergency fund. When H came home I kept it to myself for less than one week and then I said---I have a surprise for you! I was so happy and excited to share! Well, it's all gone 7 months later - spent on bills he had when he returned, and a bunch of vacations that were what he thought would fix our (his) problems. Yes, went along with the vacations and they were a blast..but now when I look back I know that vacations aren't how you fix your problems. He didn't want to talk about it. He said if we got back, we're going to have problems. I guess he went back without telling me? I haven't really been talking about this with anyone - my friends don't call me - I guess they just don't what to say and who wants to be reminded that "there but for the grace of God go I?" (one of my mom's old sayings) Communicating her helps because all of us are going through painful emotions. I want to be stronger and I want to be happy for me....I just have to figure out how to do that.

Susan

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Now I think that because it happened once before, it wasn't so new and I also knew that I dealt with everything that needed to be dealt with.

I thought that as well Susan, but actually it did come. I think with me and you as well, you are in shock. At least that was Dr B's assessment of me and he watched and waited and then it came and it came as hard as it did the first time, but different. This time, I knew there wouldn't be a happy ending, at least with him. But it took several months. And it was very confusing. Trying to figure out what happened. I still haven't gotten any answers only that he wasn't going to live a lie.

Whatever. Then he should have stopped telling lies and tried the truth for once.

Sometimes I am still hit very hard and it hasn't been a year yet. As a matter of fact, this time last year, I thought was the best time of our marriage. We had been through a nightmare and we were going to be okay. Little did I know that in a couple of months from when he came back, I would be finding out lie after lie after lie, that he continued to tell, instead of coming clean so I didn't have to "find out".

Oh well. I am here when you need me. I will keep an eye on you and will lend an ear when you need it. Been there, done that

BTW, the first time, I did all that nice packing for him as well. 2nd time, it all went in trash bags out in the driveway.

I know you can do it Susan. I saw you do it before - grow strong and independent and self sufficient.

Good luck

Congratulate me. This is my last day of anger. I have put it all in a letter for my H in the event that our separation agreement is not to my liking. Tomorrow I wake up, take a deep breath and get on with my life. What happened? Not much. I reread from my journal that I have been keeping all this time. The one that lists all the hopes and dream I had for reconciliation and I realize how one-sided it was. I projected my own feelings onto H. I couldn't accept that he has changed so much and I didn't see it coming twice. So here is my open letter to my H....tell me what you think. I haven't sent it yet but I have a feeling that in about a week's time I will.

I am angry P, beyond any anger I have ever felt. I am tired of butting my head against a brick wall and I am finished trying to be kind and understanding. It does no good.

Do something. Look in the mirror. Who do you see? Who is that cold, heartless, arrogant man looking back at you? How dare you reduce our marriage to dollars and cents. How dare you try to shut me up with money? Do you think that’s what it’s all about? That is the least of it to me and it enrages me to think that I have to worry about having enough.. No it will never be the life I deserved ort he life I had all the right in the world to expect. To look back on our lives and to see how dependent you made me on your whims has opened my eyes. I trusted with my whole being that you were my protector, my friend and my partner in life no matter what. And now when we have finally reached the stage in our life when careers are over, I realize that you never prepared for this. I see that there is not enough for us to be separate and still have the life that we were expecting. There is no savings, there isn’t a home without a huge mortgage and there is no retirement fund to see us through. You made yourself responsible for our well-being. You put yourself in charge and I was confident in your ability to take care of us.

I was a lamb led to the slaughter and don’t tell me that you didn’t expect this to happen. That is no excuse for your behavior. I would never ask you to stay with me if you didn’t love me. I have pride, but be very clear – I would never ever, not in a million years – have done this to you. Even when I was unhappy there would have been no way that I could have hurt you the way you have hurt me. I could have never looked you in the face and said I had no feelings for you after I knew how hard you had tried to make me happy. I could never have wiped the look of happiness from your face or obliterated it from your heart. I would have made the best of my life with you and the knowledge that I had done what I should, what was right and what I vowed would have been enough for me and I believe that alone would have given me a measure of happiness – maybe not a full measure, but close enough. That is the difference between you and I. I would never have given up trying to find the key to happiness with you because you are my husband and that means something special and sacred to me. And if this makes you feel guilty, then apparently there is reason for you to feel that way. An innocent person never feels guilty.

I know that my life will be diminished. I know that I will never travel the world or live in a beautiful home in a beautiful place. But my home will belong to me and I will make it the best I can. I will have the love and respect of my children and my grandchildren. Respect is something that you have forfeited, not for the love of another woman, for the love of yourself. Your selfishness astounds me and I wonder what will happen if this sickness in your soul goes away someday. How will you be able to face yourself?
I fear for you then.

Things are bad for me now and if you don’t care then you are lost to me. If I have to get on a bus to Bay Street and stand in line for food stamps you will suffer more than I will and believe me I will suffer if I have to do that. I will feel shamed and abandoned just like I did when I was all alone, frightened and harassed by two leering and disgusting men when I had to go to St. George by myself to get a lawyer’s advice two summers ago. You can never imagine my despair that day…to have to say that my husband of 32 years had sent me an email telling me that he didn’t love me anymore…. I guess this is how love dies. When the person you love more than anyone on the face of this planet, treats you the way you have treated me for the past year and a half.

I ask you, when you came home and said you loved me and lied what in dear god’s name was going through your mind whenever I showed my love for you?? Were you feeling sorry for me, did I turn your stomach, did you hate me or did you just not care about my feelings? Did you pretend I was someone else? Did you think you deserved all the goodness that I rained down on you? From the bottom of my heart, I tried to show you and you defiled me. You took a fragile thing and you tore it to shreds. You have taught me that love hurts, that love isn’t to be trusted and that it is very dangerous to love someone. That is not something for you to be proud of.

You said you wanted to be my friend but that is another lie. A friend is someone you can rely on, someone who is there for you. Someone who cares about you. You are none of those things to me.

If I live to be a hundred, I will never forget how you have treated me, how you have discarded me and how you have ruined all my hopes and dreams. You call me a pessimist because you ignore my broken heart.

A simple apology could never take away the nightmare that you created in my life. It is a nightmare that I can never wake up from because it isn’t a dream,, it is real.

I am not usually a praying woman, but I will pray for you now and then because you have put so much effort into creating a void in your life that will not be filled. You will not be happy or peaceful, you will not be able to run far enough or erase the past from your mind. It is yours now to keep forever. You will carry it with you wherever you go and whatever you do. It will always be there, your constant companion.

You may not believe me now, but you will someday and there are not enough years left in your life to make up for what you have done.

If you believe any of what I have said to you, then you owe it to yourself to find some help somewhere, somehow. I wanted to help you, but you refused me and I withdraw my offer. Maybe you should pray to God and hope he’s there. Maybe if there is a heaven you should speak to your mother or your grandmother or anybody for that matter…..

You change your mind with the weather. One day it’s this and the next day it’s that. Take the time to look at yourself and your life – not the outward things – what’s inside of you.

I accept from you nothing less than what I deserve. I am worth more than anything you will ever have in your life again. If you ever decide to be a man again, I might treat you like the one I married, otherwise have a nice life.

Wow...next day and I am responding to my own post. I was a little angry wouldn't you say? I wake up with a sort of epiphany though....I'm sad but not angry. I think I finally realize something and I don't know why I was unwilling to accept it for so long. The reason things didn't work out is because H didn't want them to. Does that go against the basic idea that of course no one wants their marriage to fail? Maybe but in this case it he kept his doubts and unhappiness to himself until it was too late for him and he gave up. When he came back, it was for all the wrong reasons for him. He came back not because he truly wanted to, but because he felt guilty and uncomfortable with his actions - BUT not enough to make the committment to reconcile. Whether or not he intended it, he was sooner or later going to leave again because that is what he truly wanted.

So now, I worry about me and try to forget that I hope he will wake up one of these days and "smell the coffee". I'll worry about that if and when the time comes. Now I take care of Susan.

guess I'm in a talkative mood today ...BTW Sandy I just read you last message to me again and I had to laugh about the packing thing...I'll go you one step further. The first time I packed for H I too folded his shirts with loving care, smoothing out the wrinkles etc. and is my face red - I actually kissed his shirt!!! (barf, I know....) This last time, I shoved them in the bag and I did a naughty thing---I spit! Childish, I know.... but pretty funny!

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So now, I worry about me and try to forget that I hope he will wake up one of these days and "smell the coffee". I'll worry about that if and when the time comes. Now I take care of Susan.

Good for you. Don't think about when the waking up and smelling the coffee part might come about. It may never.

Don't walk away from what is rightly yours in the marriage and take less then what you deserve, just to prove a point.

Don't send that letter. It won't matter. Trust me...It won't matter

Sandy, I don't understand...you say it won't matter, but how do you know? He came back and he lied about why - he lied about what made him come back....but he did. Something made him do it - conscience? And if he has a conscience then what will this letter do? Will it just make him go further than he already went? How much further can he go then divorce? I'm just trying so hard to understand what happened and I know everyone says, you don't need to understand but I do. I feel like he should know the consequences of his selfishness and not only read them but see them and live them. I am not sending this letter. It wouldn't be wise for me to do that now. Maybe I will someday and it may not touch im but it would give me a measure of satisfaction. I got my life stolen from me and now I have to find a new one and I'm not ready. It's a process and I don't see how right now but I guess someday I'll get over it. I need TLC and it's ok to wallow in misery for a bit, for me anyway. As long as I can pick myself up again and be a better person for it. I have experienced first hand how one person can harm another and I finally know that love can't always heal. I wanted to believe that because we loved each other once, that love would always be there down deep somewhere and I thought if I could only find the way it would surface. It's a pretty harsh thing to face, that I was wrong. That the man I entrusted with my heart could actually not want me anymore... I still don't understand.

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but how do you know?

Because I've done it. Many times. I have sent the letters, I have said all of this, done all of this, bared my soul. So have a few others here.

I finally got from my EX H, "I refuse to read any more of these types of emails from you"

It finally dawned on me, when someone has hurt another so much, they DON'T want to be reminded of it. They will shut down and refuse to listen. Why would they want to? Then they would have to be ACCOUNTABLE for their actions.

It's just not in their DNA so to speak. There are those fuzzy feelings of familiarity that they have when it comes to family and what they had and they will continue on with that (fence sitting so to speak), but they will also continue on with whatever it is they think they want/need that doesn't include us.

I know you have to do this. I know you have to get it out and say what you need to say. And I grieve for you because I don't want you to be surprised/hurt when you get no response/reaction.

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That the man I entrusted with my heart could actually not want me anymore... I still don't understand.

Neither do I Susan. Neither do I. He was the love of my life. But the fact is, he made his choice. Not once, but twice. And I have to accept that now. Accept it and move on. And take care of a little girl in the process, who has had her dad walk out of our family unit twice now.

I feel your pain, I know your pain.

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I'm just trying so hard to understand what happened

EX left back in Jan 09, filed for divorce, got his divorce in July of 09 and I STILL do not understand what happened. Parts of it, like having to work three jobs to keep a roof over our head and not having any health insurance and not being able to afford $600.00 a month in COBRA and having to pay out of my pocket, $100 today, for a Dr visit and RX because I have a sinus infection that's kicking my butt, well, I'm beginning to really face reality.

But with the emotional part from someone who told me they would never leave, I was the love of their life and me believing all of this and now finding out, it was obvioulsy not the truth.

How do you ever recover from that? I don't think you ever really do. I'm still waiting to find out. It may be that I just learn a hard, hard lesson and go on and raise my child and have good friends and that will be it. Maybe I will go on and find someone who really means it, without the many issues I can clearly see now with this EX, which are his issues to deal with, not mine. Although it took my broken heart to finally figure that out.

I do understand sweetie, more then you know.

How do you ever recover from that? I don't think you ever really do.

You do recover. It's a long, slow, painful process. But you do recover. And eventually you gain a whole lot of wisdom from it. It's not wisdom anyone really wants to learn this way. But it does come.

Firs lesson I learned? The person who hurt you so badly can't be the one who comforts you.

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There are those fuzzy feelings of familiarity that they have when it comes to family and what they had and they will continue on with that (fence sitting so to speak), but they will also continue on with whatever it is they think they want/need that doesn't include us.

Nicely said.

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I'm still waiting to find out. It may be that I just learn a hard, hard lesson and go on and raise my child and have good friends and that will be it. Maybe I will go on and find someone who really means it, without the many issues I can clearly see now with this EX, which are his issues to deal with, not mine. Although it took my broken heart to finally figure that out.

Me too.

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I'm still waiting to find out. It may be that I just learn a hard, hard lesson and go on and raise my child and have good friends and that will be it. Maybe I will go on and find someone who really means it, without the many issues I can clearly see now with this EX, which are his issues to deal with, not mine. Although it took my broken heart to finally figure that out.

Get out of my head, Twinner, it is creepy. So well put, Sandy.

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You do recover. It's a long, slow, painful process. But you do recover. And eventually you gain a whole lot of wisdom from it. It's not wisdom anyone really wants to learn this way. But it does come.

Thanks, J. It is good to be reminded that with time, it can and does get better.

Hi!

I've been reading over Penny's advice and I wonder if I should be sending an intervention letter to the ow since my husband has gone back to seeing her? Also she has a new employer, should I write to him too? I don't know, but it seems like if she would text and call him when he came back, why would she even care what I say? Except for the fact that I saw a letter she sent him the night before they slept together for the first time, saying that she would feel guilty about causing me pain (I didn't believe that line --it was not even 24 hours later that they slept together) but maybe it would cause talk between them that would uncomfortable as Penny suggests. I mean, she has to have some kind of doubts that he might leave her again too? As far as her boss goes, they see each other on a friendly basis also and he has met my husband as her "boyfriend". I feel like I have to do something and I don't want to write to my husband telling him my ideas about how we can work out things when obviously he either has absolutely no desire to, will use the excuse that he tried and it didn't work (he didn't try) or possibly, he is undecided about what to do. Of course, if he is seeing the OW, he isn't trying very hard, is he?

Instead of writing him, I am writing here. It helps to talk about the things on my mind and know that someone is listening who cares. Like you said Sandy, the person who hurts you, can't be the one to comfort you. I didn't do a thing wrong when H came home except that I believed him when he said he was happy to be back and that he was sorry and that he loved me. I changed the things about myself that I think needed changing and was working on other things as well but he just went along for the ride. Oh he was nice and sweet and did things with me but he didn't open his heart and he didn't bend over backwards or even want to talk about what happened. I don't think he is capable. I remember reading that we learn about marriage from our parents. It brought to mind an occasion many years ago. I was 8 months pregnant and the baby died but I did not go into labor. My parents were away and my husband went to get his mother and bring her to our house. When she got there, I was so relieved to see another woman, I went to her and tried to put my arms around her and cry with her and she stepped back. She couldn't look at me. All she said was something to the effect that I could try again, have another baby. It was like a slap in the face. She couldn't acknowledge or comfort me. Kind of like my husband although I knew he was upset too. He just kind of went off by himself and occupied himself doing work around the house. He just couldn't say how he felt.. I think he learned this as a child in a home of suppressed feelings.

Tell me why I care so much about what is going on with him? Is it so difficult for me to accept that everything he does is for selfish reasons and that he is in control of his actions? That would mean he has deliberated and chosen and the choice is not me.

Mmmm. at this point, I lean away from writing letters. All it does is keep you engaged in his life. And at this point, well, the thing is. See.

His actions are part of your reality. And that reality is that today, in this moment, he has chosen to be elsewhere and not with you. You are suffering because of that, and I am very sorry for your suffering.

The only think you can do when you suffer is to listen to yourself. Listen to the pain -- allow it to fully fill your mind and heart for a little while. While it's there, don't DO anything -- except one crucial thing. Listen to it. Listen to it fully, without recrimination or blame or "you shouldn't feel..." or any of that. Just listen. Allowing yourself to fully feel your pain, to fully listen to it, is amazingly hard and scary work.

It's also one time when you're more wholly present and aware of your Self than you usually are. And that is an amazing thing. An amazing thing that we would all much rather practice whilst in the throes of a bad case of the giggles, but there you have it. Usually we don't suppress our giggles with quite the ruthlessness we apply to our pain.

Still. You have the advantage of always being there for yourself. I know you know that. It's just hard to practice sometimes.