And because in spite of everything I've said and everything we've written and everything I'm scared of. I still want him to come home. Thats the most painful of all

EJLH

Are you starting to feel powerless over your addict? It's one thing to admit it on an intellectual level, quite another to accept it.

You do have a lot of power. Just not over the addict. Not over the addict at all.

Where do you go from here?

quote:

And because in spite of everything I've said and everything we've written and everything I'm scared of. I still want him to come home. Thats the most painful of all

I know.

What do you need to do before that is possible?

(I can make it hard to ignore me.)

quote:

I've told you that I'm not ready to have you come back and that I'm still working on me.

So when are you going to start doing this?

Gosh Tak.. I think I just went blind...

quote:

So when are you going to start doing this?

When I go home take a deep breath, re read everything everyone has said and go knock my head against the wall for being so weak and dense.

LB...

quote:

What do you need to do before that is possible?

I need to get drunk.. very, very, very drunk okay.. just kidding...

I have to remember my self worth. I have to remember what I need in order to feel loved and safe. I have to remember that what I need is important and has a right to be respected.

I also need to get over my fears of SO leaving and being alone. I have to get over my fears that I'm not good enough for anyone to love.. OUCH OUCH OUCH.. core hurts

EJLH

quote:

I need to get drunk.. very, very, very drunk okay.. just kidding...

Hey, me, too! What's your poison?

Either a really good Merlot.. but thats just for sipping, not for getting drunk.

Rum & cokes, Vodka straight, Margaritas..

more than one of any of those will do the trick.

How about you???

EJLH
PS.. just so you know the last time I was get down, polluted was about 1 1/2 yrs ago for Mardi gras celebration (it was here in FL but we do it big at all the cajun places here too)

quote:

Either a really good Merlot.. but thats just for sipping, not for getting drunk.

Yum yum. My standard Merlot is Columbia Crest. I really need a glass or seven of that right now.

Other than that, wow. I haven't gotten drunk in a long, long time. I used to do Long Island Ice Tea, Flaming Dr. Pepper, Car Bombs...now, I really like a good Marguarita, on the rocks, heavy on the salt. *licks lips*

EJLH,

quote:

LB..part of me wants to trust that he will really try, and part of me is terrified of things just going right back the way they were.

Until he is clean and sober, his addictions ultimately control his behavior. He can "try" forever, but can't succeed for long. Nothing will ever go back to the way it was - not to the good old days, not even to the bad old days. If he comes back - sneaking drugs, you helping with his work and paying his bills - one difference will be you've let him know he can wheedle his way around your boundaries by telling you what you want to hear.

quote:

I do know he is manipulative...like on the phone earlier he said that I put him in the motel.. and I said No, you put you in that motel. I am getting better at seeing through those manipulations.

Being manipulative is part of his disease. As long as he's not clean and sober, he'll do whatever it takes to maintain his addictions. If you let him move back, you need to accept that you're inviting his addiction back, too, because it's part of him, and with the addiction comes manipulation, lies, dependency, and self-centeredness. You need to look at your ability to protect yourself and maintain your boundaries with him. It has NOTHING to do with him. You being financially independent of him has NOTHING to do with him. It's your choice to support him or not and under what circumstances.

quote:

I honestly don't know the answer to this question.

A good Al-Anonism: "When in doubt, don't." You're not yet ready to make a decision. Another important Al-Anon concept is the 3A's: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Don't forget Awareness - seeing things as they really are - and Acceptance - of things as they really are, not as you want them to be - before springing into Action - in this case, deciding whether SO can move back into your home.

oh and here I am whining about my addict and talking about drinking... whats up with that?

But truth be told, tonight might be the night I break out the merlot...it's been a while since I sat and had a drink by myself w/dinner.

Doesn't chase away all the stuff I've got to decide...but with a little good TV (I've got the 3rd season of Six Feet Under rented..I might be okay for the night)

Well thats until SO comes over later on tonight, then I'm going to have to go through all I've written and all I've said and see what happens.. could be end up being a really good night or a really bad night....

How about you Tak?

EJLH

I'll probably have a glass of wine with dinner. Hopefully it will be good stuff. (The lids to my friend's wine screw off, so I'm going to a restaurant.) I sent H an email saying I don't feel safe coming straight home and will be late.

I'm going to the gym first...then I'm going home...make dinner...and wait for the inevitable phone call from SO.

I'm leaving work now...so we'll see..

EJLH

quote:

I have to remember that what I need is important and has a right to be respected.

Yes, what you need is important. Yes, respected too.

What consistent actions will you take that will prove that your needs are important to you? What consistent actions will you take that will prove that you respect yourself?


Can I join in? Is it a whiskey sour night?

Sorry, I missed a lot while writing. Please go back and consider LB's question about powerlessness. It's much more difficult to grasp than it sounds. It's like if you were climbing a mountain and planning how to manuever the rocks, gullies, cliffs, altitude, packing enough food and water, etc, you wouldn't be trying to figure out how the mountain could/should change to make your ascent easier. When you can look at SO and his addiction in the same way, as immovable as the mountain, you will begin to see your real choices, your real power.

quote:

I've got the 3rd season of Six Feet Under rented..I might be okay for the night)

That was a good series. Did you watch Dead Like Me? I liked that one too. And loved Carnivale! All those series are done.

Have an enjoyable and relaxing night

quote:

Sorry, I missed a lot while writing.

Me too luckystar!

I read your stuff, and re-read it. I've considered going through the threads and copying and pasting your stuff into a word doc so that I don't have to hunt around when I need to re-read your stuff again.

You're really good at applying the principles to real life. Have you ever considered doing it on a professional basis?

For Tak...

Thanks, LB, and same to you. Spending time in the program really does change your thinking. I'm hoping now that spending time with the HEALS stuff will rub off as well.

Tak, Sorry to hear you're hurting. I'm going to a movie and dinner tonite with a friend and we'll probably enjoy a glass of Merlot, too.

I don't watch TV alone and haven't followed a series since WH left when we used to watch X-files and before that Twin Peaks... looong time ago.

Hmmmmmmm

I'll bet we could use a thread to watch tv together if you'd like to add a series to your life. You'd have to be able to be on the computer and watch at the same time. Interested?

Wow lucky.. twin peaks.. that was a bizarre show. I remember driving over the mtns in Washington State, Snoqualmie was where it was filmed I think...pretty weird show.

LB. I really liked Carnivale..it's been sorta left hanging though...I wonder if it'll go back into production. I really like six feet under, just dark enough for my sense of humor.

I was discussing with BWA about SO earlier this evening, as she knows him pretty much as well as I do. She keeps reminding me of what I know to be so. He does not think the way most people do...never has. His responses are not what you expect...so it has a way of keeping me off kilter as well.

Anyway, she too brought up the fact that he's my addiction and I have no right to ask him to give up his addiction if I can't give up mine. If I look at it in that context then I have no choice but to walk away and let him go...to break my addiction of him. Obviously something I am loathe to do.

Which leads me to a question.. why is loving an addict also an addiction? Why is that? And what makes loving a healthy person not an addiction?

Now curiosity... Lets say I lay out my needs...even if it's just the first one... that I need to live in a drug free environment and I need my kids to as well. And he says okay... let's say by some miracle of bizarredness he agrees that living in an apt is better than moving back in. I, of course lay down the boundary that if he gets high here I will take him home immediately. If he shows up high here I will get him home. I can do that...without a problem really. And You know what? I think truly if he had the cash he would already be in an apt., not a motel. Which leads me to wonder is he asking to come back because it's easier..I'm just an added bonus.

I'm just knocking myself around here aren't I...

What I have to remember is my needs.

quote:

What consistent actions will you take that will prove that your needs are important to you? What consistent actions will you take that will prove that you respect yourself?

I don't know to be honest...The only one I can think of that answer both of those is don't give in to the pressure of his asking to come home. If I make a boundary don't let him cross it.

When in doubt, don't."... "Awareness, Acceptance, Action."

I should probably paste these to my forehead..

EJLH