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LB. I really liked Carnivale..it's been sorta left hanging though...I wonder if it'll go back into production.

No, it's cancelled.

The creator of the show gave out some info about characters so that we weren't left hanging as much....Jonesy didn't die, Justin and Ben didn't die either. We would have found that out the next season.

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I really like six feet under, just dark enough for my sense of humor.

I liked how they did the ending of the series finale!

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Which leads me to a question.. why is loving an addict also an addiction? Why is that? And what makes loving a healthy person not an addiction?

Good question! Let's use JustJ and HoFS as an example....I don't think they'll mind. Think of JustJ and HoFS, read the threads again if you need to. And then....

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I'm just knocking myself around here aren't I...

What I have to remember is my needs.

See a difference?

Too bad about Carnivale...

I absolutely adored the finale in Six Feet Under...it was incredibly done and it was like each character's personality came through in the way they died. So ingenious.. I'm in the middle of the 3rd season, I'd only seen the last season so this is like...so much fun!

I also adore Sex in the City...I don't know why..maybe I'm jealous that I don't have girlfriends like that...all of mine are spread out across the US.. Well I shouldn't say that...I have one here who I am beginning to develop a stronger friendship with. I've known her for 4 yrs, but only recently have we been spending alot of time together. It's very nice cause I've been feeling very isolated alot of the time.

EJLH

It's late.. and I just had to post... My conversation with SO...I'm like.. stunned. He got it..for maybe the first time..he actually got it.

A couple of days ago I contacted an old business acquaintance of SO's to try and liquidate some of the items he has in storage. Since I've been paying for the storage over the last year (with the exeption of 4 months where he paid me back) I thought there is all this stuff from his old business that is worth something. I could get some cash for it, pay myself back all the debt he owes me and give him whatever is left to do whatever he wants with it. I could just let it go and not pay the bill...after 3 months they'd take the stuff over. And I really considered it, but there is substantial money just sitting there and I thought let me at least try to get something out of it. I don't know why SO hadn't done anything about it over the last year except that it wasnt an issue so probably he just wasn't motivated enough.

When I told SO I needed a list of what equipment was there and that I had called this person about it he was furious. Said I didn't understand a thing about the business and this guy can't do anything. I explained that in the 2 yrs he hadn't spoken to this man a lot had changed for him and the business and he remembered some of the pieces SO had and said he probably could do something for us. I said to SO call him. He said Don't you be talking to him again. I'll call him when I move back home.. I said "and if you don't? I guess I'll just stop paying for it. I was trying to do both you and me a favor don't yell at me for it."

Tonight SO had called and said he would be staying at his motel rather than coming over to talk. He had a headache and I told him that he should stay there.

A little later he called and said You were just trying to help me weren't you. I said yup. He said you don't want me to move back in because of the drugs, yes? I said yes...I need to be drug free here in my house. He said you were trying to help me so I could get an apt too with that money. I said if thats what you wanted to use the money for sure.

So he said I got upset cause I thought you just wanted to empty out the storage and tell me to get rid of my stuff from your house and be done with me. I said "no...what I want is to have time to heal and if possible to rebuild trust with you. I realize that I have no right to tell you to quit doing drugs. That is your choice. Just as it's my choice to not be around them." I said you will be in your own place and if you use it will not be in my face. I don't know ultimately what will be, but I do know this is what I need now." He said I'm okay with that. I said if down the road you decide you want to go into recovery then that'll be your decision. I'm already in it for myself. He said will I still be in your life if I don't quit? I said for now let's just start that you're in your own place and I'm in mine and see what happens.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I actually have a little bit of hope now too. Possibility for my recovery seems more likely.

EJLH

Not only is he getting it, you're getting it, too.

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What consistent actions will you take that will prove that your needs are important to you? What consistent actions will you take that will prove that you respect yourself?


I don't know to be honest...The only one I can think of that answer both of those is don't give in to the pressure of his asking to come home. If I make a boundary don't let him cross it.

You do know and you did it. What I found with my STBXH is that when I was truly detached, not trying to influence (control) him in any way, he heard me. He's a yeller, but when I was detached, or as we say here, coming from a place of compassion, he didn't yell. He knew instinctively it was about me when it wasn't said with any veiled judgements, ultimatums, or appeals.

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Which leads me to a question.. why is loving an addict also an addiction? Why is that? And what makes loving a healthy person not an addiction?

Ask yourself why are drugs an addiction for SO and not "recreation". Like any addiction, we crave something that leads us to do things that hurt ourselves and we lie to ourselves about our motives and actions. A healthy relationship shouldn't force us to compromise our values, put our children in danger, or risk harm to ourselves and our loved ones.

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He said you don't want me to move back in because of the drugs, yes? I said yes...I need to be drug free here in my house.

By George, I think you're getting it! Your response was about what you need and what you are doing, not about what SO is doing.

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what I want is to have time to heal and if possible to rebuild trust with you.

Again, it's about you...not about SO!

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I realize that I have no right to tell you to quit doing drugs. That is your choice. Just as it's my choice to not be around them

It's still about you, not him!

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I don't know ultimately what will be, but I do know this is what I need now.

By George, you were in Today! One day at a time, right?

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I said if down the road you decide you want to go into recovery then that'll be your decision. I'm already in it for myself.

Making your own decisions for yourself and about yourself....and leaving his decisions up to him!

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He said will I still be in your life if I don't quit? I said for now let's just start that you're in your own place and I'm in mine and see what happens.

A good example of One Day at a Time....without talking about various possible outcomes!!

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I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I actually have a little bit of hope now too. Possibility for my recovery seems more likely.

Let's ask luckystar about this, but I think that you've come to realize that you are powerless over the addict. It's freeing, isn't it?

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Possibility for my recovery seems more likely.

I think it's time to change "possible" to "probable"!!!

Yes, she's a little slow on the uptake, but when she gets it ...she does it right.

Now just keep pounding that into my head.

In a way I get the best of both worlds...I get to still do my healing and remove myself from his chaos if he chooses to descend again. But I don't (at least as of yet) have to go into full blown PP. Maybe if I do by that time I'll be strong enough and ready for it.

LB.. this is still way scary stuff, ya know?

EJLH

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LB.. this is still way scary stuff, ya know?

Yeah, I sure do. Letting go of (perceived) control can be scary, because then we're left with who we can control--ourselves. And that can be terrifying at first.

You're doing great, EJLH! I knew you would get through your long struggle and reach acceptance!

SO called in the middle of the day... said he wonders what he's doing with me and what I'm doing with him sometimes....

Ain't that the truth of it huh?

I think once he's settled and things are seperated (financial stuff and his things out of here) it'll be a slow recovery and maybe a slow build too.

Today was one of those learning to be alone days...kids with dad, SO working...I watched TV, worked on the computer, went shopping a little..came home, treated myself to chinese takeout for dinner...and here I am. I was going to paint...start a new picture. Had it all planned, but that went out the tubes. Just don't have the spark yet to paint. Hopefully soon.

EJLH yeah, I'm a little turkey

My art either suffers when I'm suffering or grows in hugely beautiful ways.

You read my poem on Tak's thread... written through tears... and I don't paint, but I draw and color in with pencils (crayon, pastels)... and there are pictures of beauty and pictures of pain... angels and demons...

I understand.

How about you don't decide what you're going to paint and paint anyway? I bet you'll find some interesting things in the result. Close your eyes and pain what your soul tells you... the reds of anger, the lavenders of confusion, the yellows of hope?

It's amazing how art heals... and it's truly therapy.

I do understand though... I have great gaps in my writing... those blanks of non-feeling...

Thanks nyneve.. I have this one client..usually buys a painting every year. I haven't painted a new one in two, but luckily had old ones he liked. I really need to get a new one done before February or March...usually thats when he starts looking again.

I have stuff on my website and I occasionally sell something. I do craft shows around chanukah and thats about it. Don't have the time or the equipment to do them on a regular basis...thats hopefully what will give me money in my retirement... doing the craft show circuit.

Watercolor (which is what I mostly work in) is a very uncontrolled medium anyway... I usually do representational work, though I've been told my stuff has a very oriental look to it. The judaica is a little less so.

but it might do some good to just free form a little. I'm starting a pottery class next week. I've never worked in that medium and I've always wanted to...that should be fun!!

I do wish I would get some creative want back. Haven't had it in so long I'm afraid my technique and progress has probably suffered. I'm looking at Thanksgiving weekend...4 days to just concentrate on me. The kids are with dad..so we'll see where I'm at emotionally and mentally by then.

EJLH yeah, I'm a little turkey

EJLH,

I have just started to feel creative again. I thought redoing my kitchen would help with that. Mostly it just turned into a big chore. I haven't finished it yet either.

I've been doing my digi-SBing thing the last couple weeks. I haven't touched it since May when DD was dropped.

Like you, I would have a great idea, and it would fly out the window. So I started writing them down b/c I knew my spark would return.

Last weekend was my "learning to be alone" time. I tried to pamper myself, but it was still pretty hard being away from the kids. I found myself wondering how my H has survived the last 3 months not seeing them everyday. It was just a day.5 for me and I was ready to go nuts.