My wife and I entered our first counseling session last week. We have agreed to work on our marriage but there are some problems. She works with/for her lover. She says she will keep all contact only on a work level. She has a secure email account and Blackberry that I can not monitor. I doubt this will be the case because she called this guy 10 days ago and told him, right in front of me that she could no longer talk to him, (and she handed the phone to me) I had a recorder the car and listened to her still talking to him 4 days later. As far as I am concerned, she is still having an affair while working there. Our efforts to work on our marriage seem as though they will be hollow because I still believe the affair is current and he is still fulfilling an emotional need for her. She said that she doesn't want to quit her job incase "this" doesn't work out and she said she is adult enough to keep her word. What should I do? The counselor seemed to think she warrented the time to work things out, while I am suffering.

Jason,

Welcome to SYMC. I'm really sorry about the circumstances that brought you here but glad you found us. I suspect the lack of information is tearing you up inside. How are you sleeping? Eating healthy?

A little more background information would be helpful. How long have you guys been married? Any kids? First marriage for both?

What sort of support system do you have? Friends? Family?

I'd recommend you download and read Penny's ebook. There's some great advice there to follow in this sort of situation. The truth is, if she's not willing to share Blackberry info or emails with you, she's probably got something to hide.

I'm not sure what the counselor seems to think needs time to work out. Is it for the affair to end?

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

HoFS

More background info. We have been married for 7 years on Oct 5. This my second marriage, her first and we have 3 year old son together. I have two daughters from previous marriage. I have told her family and mine and everyone was great at first but her family doesn't want to get in the middle anymore. I am unsure if I should tell her boss or not. (What do you think?) I am trying to track down his wife to tell her but I heard that he has already filed of Divorce from his wife. I am having trouble sleeping. I am eating healthy and working out and have lost 18 pounds since I confirmed and confronted a month ago. My wife scoffs at the idea that this is an addiction for her. She is "madly in love" with guy and had feelings that she first discovered after talking to him on the phone a lot for work. She said one day last week that the success of our marriage all depended on me and me correcting my "problems" that made her unhappy. She said she still loves me but not passionately anymore. She was happy with our life, and home and wasn't looking for anything. It just happened. I dont' know how to convince her to leave this job. She also has a 2 week 'deployment' for work coming up in the city where he works and lives, and later in October their entire section has a conference down south for a week where they will be together since they work together. I am worried of course. We have only been to one counseling session so I don't want to be too hasty in asking her to move out or anything. I will download the book now. thanks again.

Jason,

How's it going this morning? Did you have a chance to go through Penny's ebook yet? Any questions?

When did your wife say she was "madly in love" with the co-worker? How do you know that the co-worker is filing for divorce? Why would that stop you from contacting his wife? It will still put pressure on the affair relationship. You are looking for help supporting your marriage, not just in giving some information about someone's unethical behavior.

Any thoughts on the feedback your wife gave you about the problems in your marriage?

Keep breathing.

HoFS

I read the book. It was a good read and similar in some ways to two other books i read on the subject. After the Affair by Janis Spring and Surviving an Affair, by Willard F. Harley. My wife said she was madly in love with this guy the night I confronted her a month ago, her feelings have not changed. She told us at the counseling session that he told her he had filed for divorce from his wife. I guess he is serious about getting my wife. I am trying to contact his wife but it is 4 states away and a common last name. As for problems in the marriage, a few. I am a quiet person and she's not. This guy LOVES to talk about anything and he's happy (because he met her no doubt). I have been a little depressed for the past couple of years, just let things get to me and it bothers her that I am not happy all the time.

My questions about the book and how they relate to my situation are that I don't know what phase I am in. We are going to counseling to work on the marriage. She told this guy she is going to work on the marriage and see how it goes. She still has intense feelings for this guy she works with (not co-located) and has to talk to him several times a day by phone and email. She says she is keeping it professional and refuses to quit her job for me. I don't trust her of course. I don't want to torpedo the counseling I'm in by going off and getting her fired. I am being impatient, I am sure, so I will give it some time and keep it civil and neutral as best as I can.

Hi Jason, welcome to the village.

I've said here many times an affair won't end when both parties work together or have any contact for that matter. I would bet money the affair is ongoing. No contact is step one for both your wife and your marriage. I can tell by reading your posts you already knew this.

The question is how do you get there. Well, for one if your counselor is not/will not back you on this - find a new one. Maybe let him/her read Harleys book so he/she can understand how hurtful (and downright disrespectful) it is to you to suggest continued contact is okay.

As for other ideas how to get there - I'm not qualified to answer. I just know that it's very important and you need to get really serious about it. Find the wife. Tell the boss if it comes to it. Give her the chance to quit first.

I understand this feels counterintuitive but you need to rock the boat, not settle for status quo.