i was looking for the greamlin that had the bag over it's head when i posted earlier


yah know, JustJ
that horoscope
as written for the general public
kinda says to me

well
encourages people
to take things personally

what do you think?

it's that time of year again
on Saturday
Xman's father flies in to get Xman so they can return to the South for Xman's annual 6 week visit with his father

what an odd feeling
this is the third summer Xman will have been gone from me for too long
I am saddened
but
I am not allowing the sadness to creep in and control me

I feel like I am slogging thru neck deep water
cold cold water

it seems as though I have closed my feelings about the upcoming 6 weeks
or
have i simply come to respect and accept the fact that my baby will be gone
and I cannot control that
it is just the way it is going to be
so
why get mired in emotions
projected emotions

i have had a hard time focusing this week
been having a hard time moving forward efficiently
there is so much more i could have gotten done

i have been focusing my energies and emotions on my darling Xman

and i have allowed my self to play with him
meander with him thru life
snuggle and cuddle
a few extra visits to his beloved older sister's house (D23)

Have i been spoiling him?
No
I do not think so
I have done nothing out of obligation or with resentment or desperation
I have simply taken the time to be with my sweet child
slowly
gently

with out thinking or focusing too far ahead and dwelling what WILL come

one breath at a time
in the moment

this is all so different for me
i do not like or want him to go
i will miss him dearly
my days will seem so empty until he returns
but
i am content
at peace

he will be fine
i will be fine
we will be fine

change
even for the better
is so odd
feels strange
it will take seme getting used to
like a new set of proper fitting clothes
after having worn ill fitting clothes for too long
learning to move in them
how they feel against the skin

I know your going to miss that sweet boy but if I know you your going to use this time to grow and learn and make something positive out of it.

quote:

not 'thinking or focusing too far ahead and dwelling what WILL come...'

and 'one breath at a time' and living 'in the moment'

This is how it's done...

SB

quote:

my days will seem so empty until he returns

ahh..lucky for you I'm not too busy at work.. we'll see what we can do to help fill them up

This six weeks will slog by.. as time away from the ones we love always feels like.. and then poof, they'll be gone and he'll be home again.

Take some time for yourself during this break.. and think about that stuff that you don't usually have time to think about.
Read all those things you've been putting aside.
Talk to those that you don't get time to talk to.

And the rest of us will be here for you if you need us.

Loui

Hey all
thank you for all the kind words and hugs

I am so used to a world filled with


that any amount of quiet just me time leaves me
well
lost

quote:

Take some time for yourself during this break.. and think about that stuff that you don't usually have time to think about.
Read all those things you've been putting aside.
Talk to those that you don't get time to talk to.

oooo lordy lordy
i may need some help with this one Louie




and read?
READ?
for me?
really?
I can do that?


oooooooooooo I am already counting the days til Xman is back
and he hasn't even left yet

hugs back to all of you

xo
Hypatia

edited for HORRIBLE grammar

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Hypatia_SYMC,

i just woke up from snuggling all night with Xman
today is the day
in less than 5 hours
Xman's father will be here

I have been trying to think of a way to put into words what my mind and heart has been doing to better prepare itself for the coming 6 weeks. This is difficult as I have not been thinking consciously about it. I have been just doing it.

In the past
there has been great anticipation of the temporary loss i will feel when Xman goes to his father's for any length of time
i have anticipated the sadness
the emptiness
the fears
the anger
the confusion
etc

I was anticipating and living these thoughts and emotions to some extent long before the actual event of Xman's absence

I was not experiencing the time Xman was still home with me even close to 100% because a good deal of my focus was projecting the future

I was not focusing on the immediate NOW and thus experiencing the NOW. Thus, most likely, missed a great deal of the sights and sounds along Xman's and my life's journey during that period.

AND i tended to be a cranky mess. THUS feeding negatively into other's around me.
ICK

what i was really doing was projecting LOW EXPECTATIONS onto myself for future periods of time

Thru all of this
there are questions and concerns and worries from Xman
LOVE is a fuzzy grey, not a solid concept for Xman. He sees the world in stark black and white. TRUST falls in this area as well. This is an odd component of Asperger's. In Xman's world, neither love nor trust can be proven. TIME is a difficult concept for him as well.
Xman has a very hard time trusting that i will and do love him when we are not in immediate contact. And i mean immediate, touching hugging kissing snuggling contact.
This plays into and is a result of his trust issues. Catch 22.

His anticipation of the next 6 weeks brings on many tears and questions and concerns and fears and excitement.

How to separate MY dealing with the anticipation of his leaving with his anticipations?

This is the quandary that tipped me into learning how to leave MY projections and issues surrounding Xman's absences behind.
Yes he will be at his father's for 6 weeks every summer
Yes he will go to his father's for every other Xmas
Yes there will be week long school vacation periods here and there when Xman will go to his father's


those are IMPERIAL
they are givens
REALITY
things I cannot control

It is mine to accept and respect that these events WILL happen
i do not have to like it
I do not have to agree with it
they just ARE

SO
in all honesty
what good does it do anyone if i focus on the emotions/thoughts associated with the Xman's absence BEFORE he actually leaves?

I know i will miss the little munchkin for 6 weeks
I know my life will shift dramatically for 6 weeks
I know I will worry about his well being
I know there will be tears and yes, nightmares
I know I will have things to do that need to be done
I know Xman will have a wonderfilled visit
I Know I will remember to smile and laugh and enjoy life while he is gone
I might even remember to eat, lol
I know he WILL be home to me before i know it

patience with the process

oooooo
an OLD adage just came to mind
don't count your chickens before they hatch

oo and another
don't put the cart before the horse

GRANTED
I am only human
and can forgive myself for being such
and there have been a few lumps in my throat for the past few weeks
a few extra cuddles
periods of lost time

and life IS a learning process
I have a long way to go
but
I am on the path

but then again
ask me all this AFTER i kiss Xman goodbye tonight when I leave him with his father at his father's hotel for their EARLY flight tomorrow morning.
REALITY

Elder Joseph Brackett was born in Cumberland, Maine, on May 6, 1797. He first joined the Shakers at Gorham, Maine, when his father's farm helped to form the nucleus of a new Shaker settlement. In 1819, Joseph moved with the other Shakers to Poland Hill, Maine.

He later served as first minister of Maine Shaker societies, as well as Church Elder at New Gloucester, Maine, now known as Sabbathday Lake, the last remaining Shaker community.

Elder Joseph Brackett died on July 4, 1882.

"Simple Gifts" was written by Elder Joseph while he was at the Shaker community in Alfred, Maine in 1848. These are the lyrics to his one-verse song:


'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.
quoted from Wikipedia

Simple Gifts

"Amazing Grace"

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ'd!

Thro' many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promis'd good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be forever mine.

John New­ton, Ol­ney Hymns (Lon­don: W. Ol­i­ver, 1779)

the history behond Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace- as sung by Judy Collins

the above two songs, Simple Gifts and Amazing Grace, are two that have been part of who I am for as long as I can remember.

as in many teachings, books, poems, songs and now movies, etc
there are lessons to be learned
if we choose to hear them and take them to heart

When times are tough, I bring the song(s) to heart
and often will sing them
(ooo how good and freeing it feels to sing Amazing Grace from deep with in me)

These two songs help me to remember how far I have come thru my entire life, how simple life really can be, and what a gift life really is
no matter what
Each of these songs reminds me to find the power with in ME that IS there no matter how weak I feel.
Each song reminds me to seek out the simpler answers when things seem too complicated or when I am making things too complicated.
Each song reminds me to stop and breath, slow down, live life for the here and now.


Despite the rich history behind Amazing Grace and Simple Gifts, it really does not matter what triggered each composer to write the words down and then to share them.
What does matter is how each and every one of us feels and what is triggered in us when we hear then songs and what we choose to do with the emotions/thoughts that are evoked. How it changes us today and how it helps to shape our tomorrows.

And this is much how life is
the details of the past are not so important
as history can be rewritten with a thousand different twists
according to any number of perspectives who lived or witnessed just one simple event in time
the past is not solid

the only solid thing in life is RIGHT NOW
and then it is gone
already
in less time than it takes to blink an eye

and what that split second evoked in us can change each and every one of us forever and always
the future is not solid either
the future
all of our tomorrows
is fluid
to be guided

It seems to me that when our futures are guided with grace and simplicity
that is when they are truly amazing as well as a gift

This is my comfort when things are going not so good...a little twist on Amazing Grace

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyqhLPX6Elk

I had never heard that version Sandy

oooo
both of those songs are great for when i have inner celebrations too
validating
Amazing Grace and Simple Gifts simply work for me any old time

My dear little one will be home in just over 4 weeks
My eldest son is in California
My sweet daughter is busy living her life as a young adult

and i think

so much time to think

and i explore the possibility that i will perhaps i will spend the rest of my days alone
single

it is a hard thing to think about

we humans were not meant to live alone
navigate thru life alone
we were designed to live in close knit groups
but
in this fast pace world of instance communication
instant coffee
instant gratification
disposable diapers and disposable relationships
self serve icecream and self serve gas
it seems the world is getting bigger and bigger instead of smaller

and the possibility exists
for all of us

it is a hard thought

so many people are just down right scared to death of such an idea

i see so many people doing desperate things in order to stave off that fear
grasping and settling
so many people burying that fear and thought in seemingly rational thinking
pretending they are bigger and more enlightened than that
bigger than one of the human race's most primal fears
loneliness
abandonment
rejection
not being part of a close knit group

and i think
alone in my apartment
and i let the thoughts and emotions flow
freely
allowing my heart to feel every fear
touch on every bit of confusion surrounding the idea
i may live the rest of my life alone
the anger
our world bombards us with so many promises
so many fairy tale solutions
the talk shows preach to us
the sit coms defuse our realities
the news floods our dinner hour with dark realities of far away
this actor has been married 5 times
that actress has slept with that woman's husband
this musician is in rehab yet again
and that poor sports hero was slammed in prison
the commercials sell us one more product to make it all better
to stave off the desperation and fear

the possibility exists for all of us

so
i explore the idea
and i look to the world around me
looking closely at myself
looking for signs of desperation
looking at fear motivation actions and inactions

and though i may or may not live my life blessed with a long term relationship
i embrace the possibility that i will not
hold it close and dear
gently
and i breath
slowly slowly
I let the fears race thru my heart and head
know them
embrace them
comfort them

do nothing out of desperation
do nothing out of fear

not embracing the possibility of living life alone in this great big world
not identifying the fears and confusion
the seemingly unfairness of it all
seems as though would leave me open to the possibility of reacting to the fears in desperation
and then justifying any action in pretty logical words

not matter what life hands me as i travel along life's path
will i act based on MY core values?
will i look back and know the code of ethics i live by were not breeched?

i believe strongly in the sanctity of a life long partnership/marriage

can i still have faith in something so wondrous while facing the possibility of a life time alone?

take nothing for granted

desperate times do not call for desperate measures

desperation is a mind set
a place of fear and confusion

i choose to look closely at my self and my situation
i choose to know my realities
i choose to identify what i fear
i choose to embrace my whole being
i choose to be as open and honest with myself as i possibly can
i choose to identify past present and future possible acts of desperation
actions out of fear

i choose to strive for a life as free of desperate acts as i possibly can
i choose to forgive myself for any past present future acts of desperations
i choose to embrace my humanness
no matter what life brings me

i just had a brief discussion with a co-worker when i was in picking up work for the day

my co-worker's son seems to have broken some metatarsal a week ago
the adolescent's foot has been swollen, black and blue
the father's attitude is one of 'suck-it-up' and we will call the doctor later
IF it gets worse
the adolescent is concerned about missing out on a family vacation or hindering it
so
he sucks it up
goes about his very active adolescent life
ignoring the injury



why are humans generally driven to hide their humanness?
why are humans in general afraid or reluctant to admit:
fear
pain
anger
weakness
confusion
ignorance
etc
to them selves as well as to others?

why are so many people so afraid as to appear weak to themselves or to others?

there is a deep level of dishonesty that very well could cause deeper damage for a long time to come
compounded damage

so
using my co-worker's son as an example
had he gone to the doctor when the injury occurred and not tried to appear brave and pain free
he may have been treated accordingly, treated the injury more appropriately and stood a better chance of a healthier healing process and not gambled that it will heal on it's own
he may have healed faster
more efficiently
less chance of a compounded situation for years to come

the human race never ceases to amaze me
self perpetuated human condition befuddles me

and yet
here i am
generally unafraid to admit MY humanness
and still
others assume often that i am broken or weak or confused or..............
just because i am not afraid to admit it

odd

quote:

the father's attitude is one of 'suck-it-up' and we will call the doctor later
IF it gets worse

What an incredible trigger for me.

My childhood was full of hearing, "Nyneve, quit wheezing!!!"... because I kept the family awake with my asthma. I sometimes had to sleep sitting up because I couldn't breath laying down. After especially bad attacks, my lungs felt bruised for days.

When I was a teenager, I had a cyst from somewhere inside (uterine/ cervical) "detach" but didn't know it at the time. In fact, I found out years later, during my first pap... when the gyn couldn't press on that side without me feeling pain. I didn't go to the doctor when it occurred because I didn't have a fever - therefore I was not sick enough. The fact that I was unable to bend over, sit, cough, move or anything else without excruciating pain wasn't a good enough reason.

I guess that's why I took my kids to the doctor no matter what... I never ever wanted them to feel like I did.

That story makes me feel sick. Poor kid.

Hello Nyneve
good to see you as always


It seems to me many of us were taught one way or another to "quit wheezing" because it bothered other people.

so we learned to live with the pain (emotional and/or physical)
push it back
pretend we were shiny and good
and often times the original 'injury' was left unattended
ignored
only to fester and/or compound

i hope that i have taught my children to be open and honest enough to be able to identify any emotional aches and pains before they become a pervasive issue
i hope that I have acted in a compassionate manner when they have expressed them
i hope that i have not over reacted in order to over compensate for where the adults in my life dropped the ball

balance