I need a quick answer before my husband gives up. I had an EA and a PA 8 months ago. It all stemmed from 21 years of verbal and mental abuse from my husband. I finally snapped. This caused my husband to change and realize what he had done to me. I stopped both relationships immediately. I didn't realize that my husband needed to be in on the conversations and NC letters. Three months ago I sent a second set of letters confronting what they had done to me and my family. My husband says that this still doesn't prove that I am standing with him because I didn't publicly humiliate them with him present. I have had no contact with them since the initial breakup. I have eliminated every way that they can contact me and I do not go anywhere alone. My husband has access to everything and I am not hiding anything. How do I prove to him that I am standing with him? How can I get him to trust me?

You can't prove it. You can only continue to live with integrity. You can't control whether your husband gives up, of course. That will be his choice.

There is also the fact that public humiliation of the affair partner will not make your husband feel better. The only thing that can do that is his own healing. You can, of course, be as supportive as the staff of a whole hospital and should try as hard as you can to do that. But if he cannot do the work of healing, well, the hospital can't help.

It all boils down to the fact that he wasn't with me when I contacted the OM to stop the relationships. He says that because he wasn't there and I have no proof that I did it, he can't believe that I did it and I need to find proof. The OM did not respond to the NC letter and email and my H says that that is part of the confrontation process. How can I prove it since they didn't respond? How can I fix this?

Hi distressed - welcome to symc {{hug}}.

So let me make sure I have this right. You had an EA and a PA with two different people. When your husband found out he started the work of changing his behaviors and you ended the relationships. Is that right?

It sounds like you ended those by email? And that your H didn't see the email before it was sent? And there was no response from either person.

And now, you have complete transparency so your H knows you are no longer in contact with either of these men.

Sooooo ...... I'm not really sure what the problem is. You've done everything you need to do. Way more than most do, actually.

And now we get to the hard part. An affair is crisis situation. They happen in good marriages and in bad ones. Whatever else is going on in the marriage it can't be addressed until the affair ends - and you've done that. And that brings us to ..... whatever else is going on in the marriage.

You've said your H was verbally and mentally abusive for 21 years. Although he may have recently awakened to that realization and decided he needs to change, that kind of change doesn't happen overnight. And it doesn't happen by willpower or just wanting to. It only happens with a good deal of deep soul searching and personal work.

Abuse comes from the same place addiction comes from - toxic faulty beliefs about ourselves that we frantically distract from in all manner of ways. The first line of defense against those beliefs and the feelings that come with them is blame. Blame looks like this: "I feel bad and it's your fault."

See where this is going? Your H want you to make him feel better. That's understandable - we can all sympathize with that - we've all been there. But here's the thing *** you can't make him feel better ***. Period. The only person who can do his healing, as J says, is your H himself.

I've done lots of work with abusive and addicted people and their partners. I can guarantee that had you done what your H asked originally (assuming you had known) there would be something different he would be grabbing onto right now. That's the nature of the beast.

I don't know what your situation is or where you live. If at all possible I would highly encourage you and your husband to consider Steven Stosny's Compassion Power Boot Camp. This weekend seminar is specifically for couples whose marriage has a history of emotional and verbal abuse.

The link to the Boot Camp info is here - http://compassionpower.com/Ang...se%20Boot%20Camp.php

It looks like the next one is not until January. There's also quite a bit of info here on the boards about abuse and healing. When those things are addressed in your marriage the issue of what you did or did not do with the NC letters will resolve itself. Without addressing the abuse and underlying toxic faulty beliefs you'll continue in this pattern until one of you decides to leave.

Again, welcome, we're glad you're here.

P

Hey Distressed..

I remember my exH had the same issue when I ended my affair. He needed to 'know' that their lives were just as upset as his. You H feels 'publicly' humiliated .. even if it really isn't all that public. (very few people knew about what happened in our marriage), but to him if felt like everyone knew. Part of the public humiliation for them in your H's mind is that they get to experience the same uncomfortableness that he is going thru.

Its not really how it works to be honest, and frankly would do nothing to assuage the problem between you and him. I would venture a guess that time will make that feeling lessen for him.

There is nothing really you can do to 'make' him trust you or believe you. If you look at it from his point of view, why should he? You were able to keep this from him.. So really the only thing you can do is to keep being as transparant as possible. Offer him at any time to come look at the email, the phone records, .. if he is as extreme as my exH, unbeknownst to me he put a recording device on the home phone and a keylogger on the computer. So he checked up alot.

My exH was also abusive in those ways and part of your healing and his, will be the work you do together to help this issue. The more he can physically see you investing time and energy towards the marriage that will help... and there will be many ups and downs along the way. It is not a quick fix and I understand everytime he falls down you feel guilty and everytime you fall down he feels threatened. That will all take time to ease up.

You sound like you've done alot...
oh and btw.. invite him here to check us out if you think it will be helpful as well!

Loui