After 11 years of marriage my wife is telling me that she has given up.
Things have not been the greatest over the last couple of years but things recently took a turn for the worse.
In June she started staying out more often with her girl friends and I started feeling that something was wrong. 6 weeks went by & we finally had a chance to go out together (4 boys at home) it got late & I asked her to go home - she wanted to stay out - I told here she needed to start acting like a mother and not a single teenager & get her XXX home - after that night -she has stated we are officailly separated. I embarassed her in front of people she knows & that was the last straw.
Since then I have done everthing in my power to change the way things are.

I'm doing "the love dare" on day 68, I have boughten marriage books wrote her love letters, sent her poems, asked for forgiveness over & over, I tell her I love her

She doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to forgive me, doesn't want to be around me or the kids - she states that she wants out, but she doesn't want to leave the house she wants me to leave.

She swears that she is not cheating. But will not forgive me or will not work on getting the love we once shared, the friendship we had back

She has even gone as far as staring a separation agreement - but has not finished it or given it to me.

Any help or direction is appreciated

Kevin,

Welcome to SYMC. I'm really sorry about the circumstances that brought you here but glad you found us.

Four boys. Wow! That sounds like a load. What age range are they? So you guys have been married for 11 years. Is this the first marriage for both of you? Do both of you work outside the home?

You mentioned that things have not been going well for a couple of years now. What has been happening? Was there some sort of significant change in your lives about that time?

It's possible that she is having an affair. It's unusual for a spouse to admit it immediately. Do you have any other clues that might lead you to think she suspect that your wife is having an affair?

Now isn't the time to move out. Now is the time to take a deep breath and see what you can do to make sure that you are acting out of compassion and that you are grounded.

Have you considered telephone coaching with Penny? She's really good at cutting to the chase and respecting both partners.

Hang in there. There is work you can do. Keep writing!

HoFS

Hi,

quote:

In June she started staying out more often with her girl friends and I started feeling that something was wrong.

Oy, this isn't a good sign. Your wife sounds like I used to be. Has she lost some weight? Gotten secretive with her phone and her whereabouts? New clothes?

Kevin, you can say a lot of stuff and she probably isn't hearing 95% of what you are saying. I'm sure it's beautiful stuff and I'm sorry it's falling on deaf ears. People in affairs lose their focus on anything else except continuing to engage in the affair/lifestyle.

Is there a way you can start getting to the bottom of what your wife has been up to? Cell phone records, e-mail accounts, facebook inbox...anything? Start unpeeling the onion and I bet you find something that explains her behavior.

You might start reading the material here...particularly the signs of someone having an affair and Penny's e-Book.

Hang in there and let us know what you can about other clues,
GS

Sorry to hear about your situation Kevin.

What is 'the love dare'?

THe love dare is a book by Stephen & Alex Kendrick from the movie Fireproof

quote:

Originally posted by mags:
Sorry to hear about your situation Kevin.

What is 'the love dare'?

Yes she has lost 5 lbs, She has a new black berry that she locks. She has locked me from her email account, cell phoine records do not show any unusal #'s, she has always bought new clothes so it is hard to tell.

I have confronted her & she contests that she is not having an affair, she is not intersted inany other guy.

God tells me that I should believe in my heart.

quote:

Originally posted by GS_SYMC:
Hi,

quote:

In June she started staying out more often with her girl friends and I started feeling that something was wrong.

Oy, this isn't a good sign. Your wife sounds like I used to be. Has she lost some weight? Gotten secretive with her phone and her whereabouts? New clothes?

Kevin, you can say a lot of stuff and she probably isn't hearing 95% of what you are saying. I'm sure it's beautiful stuff and I'm sorry it's falling on deaf ears. People in affairs lose their focus on anything else except continuing to engage in the affair/lifestyle.

Is there a way you can start getting to the bottom of what your wife has been up to? Cell phone records, e-mail accounts, facebook inbox...anything? Start unpeeling the onion and I bet you find something that explains her behavior.

You might start reading the material here...particularly the signs of someone having an affair and Penny's e-Book.

Hang in there and let us know what you can about other clues,
GS

The boys are 5, twins at 10 & 15
15 yr old is from another father obviously

We both work out of the house & we have a live in nanny that cleans cooks & watches the kids when we are not home

We have just been arguing more, drifting apart & getting stressed out with the kids etc..

She has told me over the last couple years that she was not happy with the relationship & how we were dealing with the kids differently and how the kids were behaving.

I thought it was all a part of being married with kids and ignored her thinking that she was just venting.

Now that I am reading all these books on marriage - I am realizing that there is so much more that can be done to make a marriage work & improve it constantly.

The only issue is that she says that she has given up now.

quote:

Originally posted by HoFS_SYMC:
Kevin,

Welcome to SYMC. I'm really sorry about the circumstances that brought you here but glad you found us.

Four boys. Wow! That sounds like a load. What age range are they? So you guys have been married for 11 years. Is this the first marriage for both of you? Do both of you work outside the home?

You mentioned that things have not been going well for a couple of years now. What has been happening? Was there some sort of significant change in your lives about that time?

It's possible that she is having an affair. It's unusual for a spouse to admit it immediately. Do you have any other clues that might lead you to think she suspect that your wife is having an affair?

Now isn't the time to move out. Now is the time to take a deep breath and see what you can do to make sure that you are acting out of compassion and that you are grounded.

Have you considered telephone coaching with Penny? She's really good at cutting to the chase and respecting both partners.

Hang in there. There is work you can do. Keep writing!

HoFS

Hi Kevin and welcome to symc. I am sorry you and your family are facing this difficulty - I know how painful it is.

Some hard facts - Your wife is involved with someone else. Is she having sex with him yet? I don't know - but the emotional ties are certainly already in place.

Of course that means she's lying to you. Not because she's a bad person. I'm certain she's really a very wonderful person at her core. And right now she's under the influence of some really powerful chemicals being created in her brain.

Books on marriage are great. They're not going to help you right now. At this point - as long as she is distracted by her involvement with someone else there's very little you can do for your marriage. The affair has to end first. And I'm really sorry about that - it would be nice if we could just fix a few of the old issues and have things be all love and affection again - but that's not the way it works, unfortunately.

Here are some really helpful things for you to read - in this order:

1. My article: 10 Red Flags of Infidelity

2. A post with a brief synopsis of what happens chemically when people are 'in love'

3. A Musing on Marriage I wrote several years ago with a metaphor of why the affair must end before the marriage can be repaired.

4. Some excerpts from my ebook

Best to you,

P

We made love on a Monday & on Wednesday & then on Sunday - She tells me it was over.

She tells me she is with her girlfriend
I don't want to sound naive and it is not like I haven't thought - that is what she was doing.
But, how can someone throw away 11 years of marriage 13 yrs together, a family, respect from my family & her family. Why would someone do that? She doesn't care what this is doing to me or the boys. She doesn;t want to talk to me or her family about the situation - how do you get to be like this?

How can you be 100% she is having an affair - just from experience from what other people have gone through - were you ever wrong?

quote:

Originally posted by Penny_SYMC:
Hi Kevin and welcome to symc. I am sorry you and your family are facing this difficulty - I know how painful it is.

Some hard facts - Your wife is involved with someone else. Is she having sex with him yet? I don't know - but the emotional ties are certainly already in place.

Of course that means she's lying to you. Not because she's a bad person. I'm certain she's really a very wonderful person at her core. And right now she's under the influence of some really powerful chemicals being created in her brain.

Books on marriage are great. They're not going to help you right now. At this point - as long as she is distracted by her involvement with someone else there's very little you can do for your marriage. The affair has to end first. And I'm really sorry about that - it would be nice if we could just fix a few of the old issues and have things be all love and affection again - but that's not the way it works, unfortunately.

Here are some really helpful things for you to read - in this order:

1. My article: 10 Red Flags of Infidelity

2. A post with a brief synopsis of what happens chemically when people are 'in love'

3. A Musing on Marriage I wrote several years ago with a metaphor of why the affair must end before the marriage can be repaired.

4. Some excerpts from my ebook

Best to you,

P

quote:

How can you be 100% she is having an affair - just from experience from what other people have gone through - were you ever wrong?

I was wrong once. I had a client whose wife wanted to leave him and he hired me as his coach. What I didn't know is that *he* was the one who was having an affair and she left him because he was abusive. Have I ever been wrong with the signs you are telling me about? No, sorry, but no. If things are as you say then she is certainly involved with someone.

I am on my way out of the door (and late) for a volunteer thing I do on Wed nights. I'll check back when I get home late this evening and respond in more depth. Did you read the things I posted links to?

Best to you,

P

Penny, I've read your links and I know what your saying. I am just not ready to believe that it has come to this and I actually believe that my wife is true to her word - even the way she is acting.

We talked for an hour last night.
I poured out my soul.

She says that she is sorry that she feels this way but she doesn't want to be married anymore -right now and considers our marriage over.

She insists that there is no one else & that she just needs time.

So I said that there is still a chance & we should try and do something rather than give up.

She agreed that we will try a temporary separation & we are going to sit down & write our responsibilities to each other & the children out together.

She agreed to move into one of the boys room & he will move into our room with me.

I'm praying that whatever agreement we come out with that it will actually put more responsibility on her to be at the house & with the kids and around me and that maybe over time she will come to realize that what we once had was very special & that we can get that back again.

I told her last night that over the last 11 years she has said off and on that she was not happy with the relationship or with the way the children are behaving - but we never did anything about it. We just kept living

I said that now I am actually trying to do something to make a difference in our relationship & with the children & that if she would only give it a chance that it could be actually better for our relationship that ever before.

She said that she understands what I am saying and doing - but again right now she needs time.

Thanks for listening and any advice

quote:

Originally posted by Penny_SYMC:

quote:

How can you be 100% she is having an affair - just from experience from what other people have gone through - were you ever wrong?

I was wrong once. I had a client whose wife wanted to leave him and he hired me as his coach. What I didn't know is that *he* was the one who was having an affair and she left him because he was abusive. Have I ever been wrong with the signs you are telling me about? No, sorry, but no. If things are as you say then she is certainly involved with someone.

I am on my way out of the door (and late) for a volunteer thing I do on Wed nights. I'll check back when I get home late this evening and respond in more depth. Did you read the things I posted links to?

Best to you,

P

One of the things we know about marital breakups and women is why we leave. Women who are neglected are far more likely to permanently leave a relationship than those who are abused. There's a whole lot of reasons for that which are fun and fascinating to discuss but for now we'll just leave it at that.

So certainly I believe what your wife is saying about her dissatisfaction over the course of your marriage (that's normal and actually somewhat healthy btw). And I believe you guys just 'kept on living' as you say - also pretty normal and not all together unhealthy. If she was coming to you and saying something like "Look dude - I'm miserable, I can't stand it any more, I'm losing my mind and either we fix this or I'm going to implode," I wouldn't be so certain there was someone else involved.

But that's not what she's saying or doing. She's locking her phone. She's locking you out of her email. She's lost weight. These are not the signs of a lonely, ****** off, neglected wife. These are the signs of someone who has something to hide. "I'm with my girlfriend" (or my guy friends for men) has to be the most overused smokescreen in the book.

I really really really understand your desire and your choice to believe her. And maybe I'm wrong - but I don't think so. All of us here have seen it - and lived it - too many times. And we're here for you as you work through whatever it is that's going on in your marriage.

P

Hi Kevin and welcome.

quote:

She says that she is sorry that she feels this way but she doesn't want to be married anymore -right now and considers our marriage over.

She insists that there is no one else & that she just needs time.

She agreed to move into one of the boys room & he will move into our room with me.

Just to reinforce Penny's opinion - the above are all classic signs of an affair. Ad to that the weight loss, the locking of the new blackberry, the locking of email and it's really almost a sure thing. I know it;s hard and painful for you to come to the same conclusion.

quote:

I'm praying that whatever agreement we come out with that it will actually put more responsibility on her to be at the house & with the kids and around me and that maybe over time she will come to realize that what we once had was very special & that we can get that back again.

So this agreement....(if we can assume for just a minute that she is in an affair) in her current state of mind, it's very unlikely to help. Infact, when the agreement is broken (and it almost surely will be) it will add to you anger and frustration and actually cause more friction.

I think your primary focus needs to be letting go of trying to fix too much right now and getting to the bottom of this. Try to get access to phone records. Try to crack the email account. Hire a PI if you can.

If you have a mutual friend who you think she may have confided in, you may be surprised that that friend is already torn rather or not to tell you what you need to know and a simple nudge will have her spilling the truth. Don't go straight in and ask if she knows of an affair - go to her and say: XXXX is acting unusual, says she wants out... I'm concerned for my marriage and my children....blah blah blah.

The reason getting to the bottom of it is so important is thee most effective thing you could do at this point is exposing the affair. More on that when you find more......

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Sleepy~SYMC,

Wow, Kevin...I am new here, and not well versed to help you out, but my heart certainly goes out to you and your boys! I think you should seek therapy for yourself right away, and hopefully your wife will join you. Great that you found this board, it seems like there are wonderful people here with genuine concern for the people who come here. Sounds like you are in for the fight of your life, hang on.....be strong.

Well you guys were all right
I finally got into her emails & this has been going on for some time.
In june she slept with someone & ended it
Now she has been with another guy for over a month & living a lie.
SHe was suppose to be in Vegas this weekend with her girlfriend - well whe is with her boyfriend.
I moved her stuff out of my room into the little guys room & now my 5 year is in my room
She is suppose to be back from Vegas Monday nioght or Tueday morning
She know I know & I told her that all of our friends & family now know too.
I'm going to a lawyer this morning to protect myself & the children

Any advise on where to go from here?

I still love her.

Oh Kevin

Kevin I am sooo sooo sorry.

So if you still love her - which is absolutely normal - I imagine you want to find a way to save your marriage? Yes? I'm thinking if that's the case a lawyer isn't really your first stop. More like the last resort when you're no longer wanting to work it out.

Unless you have serious concerns about your assets or physical safety for you or your son I'm not really sure what protection a lawyer is going to offer. From the pain? <sigh> I wish it were so easy ... but nothing is going to protect you from that ... and believe me, I know this very very well, it will only make the pain worse.

So ... when does she get home?

Have you read my ebook? You can order from the link in my sig line. As horrible and painful as this time, right now, is - it is also the time to be making good decisions based on solid information (as opposed to emotions!) if you want to save your marriage. It's vitally important to keep in mind that what feels right is usually, in this situation anyway, not the best way to proceed.

And then most importantly --- how are you doing? Have you slept? Eaten anything? How are the children?

P

Oh, and, I'm really glad you told friends and family. Let's talk more about that soon.

P

I'm very sorry Kevin.

Please download and read Penny's ebook. It's your best resource at this point.

Keep posting and processing here.

Kevin,

Sorry about the pain you must have felt as a result of your discovery but having been there before, I suspect you are somewhat relieve to have a better idea of what is going on.

I'm curious what you told your friends and family about the future of your marriage. Did you make any other requests of them besides telling them about the affair(s)?

We're here if you need us. Make sure you get enough sleep and eat well.

HoFS