I am new to the board. I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband of 14yrs, had sex with 2 other women, one 12 1/2yrs ago and then one 71/2 yrs ago. the first one I had confronted him about but he denied.....I believed. the second I did not know about and was not suspicious. I am struggling because I have a good marriage now.....my husband loves me and I love him, but Still he cheated on me, he lied to me and I am having a hard time figuring out my feelings. I am committed to our marriage, but just feel it will never be the same, that I will never be the same. I feel like I am searching for a timeline, a guide of some sorts on what I am to feel and how long.....when will this all be over? I feel like mine is such an unusual situation, that it happened so long ago....life went on and we grew a strong loving marriage and family and I have just been hit with a bomb shell. Is there anyone else here that has had a similar experience?

Hi gabriele and welcome to SYMC! Sorry about the difficult news. But I can completely understand your reaction. The emotions you say you are feeling now are not so different from someone that found out that their spouse had recently had an affair. There's the feelings of inadequacy, of helplessness and possibility of feeling unloveable. There's the thought that you lost a trusted friend. I'm not sure a marriage is ever the same after such a revelation. But that doesn't mean it won't be better. I believe it can be stronger.

Often betrayed spouses feel like they need to know details of the affairs. Do you feel that way? What else do you need from your husband to start building that sense of connection again?

HoFS

Hi gabriele and welcome

Tell us more about you and your hubby and your family.

How did you find out? Did he tell you?

P

So.... My husband was the one to tell me. He has been working with a therapist for the past 8 months or so. ( for dealing with childhood sexual abuse) He just completed a weekend workshop...which lead him to finally coming clean. I am having trouble trying to figure out how to feel. I know that if I would have found out way back when, I NEVER would have stayed, or I don't think i would have. We now have 2 boys, 8 & 5. I am a stay at home mom, he is a Chiropractor, he runs his own clinic and I do some administration from home. Before this, I would have told you he was the perfect man, perfect husband and father. We truly do love each other, and I know that the past 7 1/2 yrs we have built a trusting loving marriage with good communication. I don't doubt his love or commitment to me or our boys. But what I do doubt it how I move on, knowing I was walked over. I put myself aside years ago to let him grow as a person, grow his business, work on his personal issues, I worked on building a strong marriage, but now I realize I had no idea what I was up against. I feel a bit cheated out of the freedom to make my own choices, like I was tricked into something. On one hand it was a blessing, cause if he would have told me, we would not be where we are today. I just question what tomorrow looks like, I feel like he has taken all this off his shoulders, plopped it on me and now I am the one with the dirty secret. I am the one now that will have the trust issues (he always has has, which started with his childhood problems- but I have helped him conquer). I am angry that I am seeing a marriage counselor, and reading books, and feel the need to seek out a marriage help forum. Part of me wishes I never knew.
Since he told me, I right away told him he could not sleep in our bed... for about 2 weeks we had no contact, i have just started hugging him, and just the other day i kissed him, but it is different, I can feel my guard up, I wish it wasn't. I feel like I am now being punished for his wrong doing and his lies. He is being very supportive and apologetic and doing all the right things....which is good, but it doesn't make it all go away.
Our anniversary was back in July, I put out there that we should look into a marriage retreat, not for counseling but just to connect and have a wonderful 'couples time', he thought it was a great idea, we have never been away from our kids overnight, it is a big step. I have been so looking forward to it. When this all came out I wanted to have nothing to do with it.....I was so mad that If we still went we would now be going for the problems we are having. I phoned the dr. that was running the retreat and asked to transfer my deposit to an office visit instead, I have seen him now a few times, and have since decided to still do the retreat. I am a bit worried that rather than bringing us on our path to healing it will make me realize I will be resistant to letting go and the hurt feelings will take over. I never want to be in a position like this again, so betrayed. When I think of it I am still a bit dumb founded that it actually happened.
Right after the first 'affair', he revealed to me about his childhood abuse, he got into counseling right away, so this was 12 1/2 years ago. He told the therapist then about what he did and the counselor told him not to tell me. His new therapist has been leading him to tell me but has also cautioned that he has to do it not just to get it off his chest, and he has expressed to me that he has told me in order to be as true to me as I have been to him. that he wants to be completely 'with me' without any secrets.
I am pissy today and I don't know if this gives proper insight to me or my situation, but I think it helps to write it out. I am grateful for any advice/ideas/questions

Hi gabriele -

I'm so sorry. And, yes, I understand 'pissy' very well. It's normal and to be expected. I'd be more worried if you weren't feeling that way!

So a couple of basics first - how are you eating and sleeping these days? Able to focus? Other stress symptoms?

Part of what's so hard for you, and the things we spend a lot of time trying to help people understand when we encourage them to tell (tell all, tell early, tell kindly) is the bizarre re-writing of history you now need to do and the realization that your choices were taken from you.

As I'm sure you're doing - every holiday, every event, a whole lot of words, and even the energetic interactions between the two of you now have to be run through an entirely new (and painful!) filter. Like a fun house mirror or a kaleidescope, or ..... a blender. It's very disorienting. It is for people finding out in present time -- it's even more so for people finding out years later.

And then the other thing you refer to is the fact you would not have stayed (although you can't really know that for sure - lots of people say that until they're actually in that position) if you had known. So you've spent the last many years living in a marriage - choosing to stay in a marriage - without making that choice with all the pieces of information. Really important information. We call that having your choices stolen.

I know it doesn't seem quite as front as center as the affairs right now and that's ok and normal - but I am very encouraged to hear that your marriage was good and loving and caring the past several years. The connections you built during that time will help you get through this and to make good decisions about where - and how - you move forward from here.

I'm really sorry the first therapist encouraged your husband to lie to you - making parts of your life a lie. I personally think this is ethically unconscionable. I understand the fear behind it - I still think it's horrible. And I applaud his current T who is helping him reclaim his integrity. I know it doesn't seem fair - and in many ways it's not. And ... we're here to help you through this. You will survive. Your marriage absolutely can survive. And I promise it does get better.

hugs to you,

P

quote:

And I applaud his current T who is helping him reclaim his integrity.

X2 on that! It seems so rare to hear of a counselor/therapist who advises correctly what are basics for counselors who specialize in infidelity.

I know this seems like a huge mountain to climb Gabriel but reaching the top of the mountain can reap unbelieveable rewards. You husband doing the very difficult work of self healing and a return to living ethically will make your journey that much easier.

I'm so happy your H followed his T advise. It's very encouraging!

quote:

Originally posted by Sleepy~SYMC:

quote:

And I applaud his current T who is helping him reclaim his integrity.

X2 on that! It seems so rare to hear of a counselor/therapist who advises correctly what are basics for counselors who specialize in infidelity.

I know this seems like a huge mountain to climb Gabriel but reaching the top of the mountain can reap unbelieveable rewards. Your husband doing the very difficult work of self healing and a return to living ethically will make your journey that much easier.

I'm so happy your H followed his T advise. It's very encouraging!

Thanks so much for your replies.
I am sleeping okay now, I am lonely going to bed so kinda am upset going to sleep with the reminder of him not with me. During the day I am just finding myself wondering from thing to thing, I can not concentrate very well, my brain is just not there. I am thankful I don't have an outside job......I would likely get fired! Right now I am finding more than anything I just want to make it go away. I am so Dumb founded that this happened, TO ME, in my marriage, I just am still in disbelief. I am so sick of this being on my mind.
At first I did have questions about details..he answered. both times it was apparently just about over before it began, he said it was awkward and 'things did not work'. So I guess for me that is helpful that it was not hot passionate romance novel sex. And they were not long lasting 'relationships' either. makes me feel sick thinking back to it, and making my mind go there no matter how limp things were, it still happened. My problem is the years of lies too. This lie has been in his head and heart for so long and that has, more than i ever knew, effected our life. I wish I could go back over so many confrontations and have this information, things would likely make more sense. My therapist keeps telling me to trust my feelings, and be aware and feel them,there is no right way to feel. But I just don't want to feel this, it sucks. I really just don't even know what I want to feel, all I know is I want it to go away, I want to kiss and feel my husband again..without any walls. how do I do that?

One of the things we've talked about in the infidelity community for a long time, that eventually found it's way into other betrayal communitues, is the concept of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. We most often think of that in regards to soldiers returning from war or victims of cataclysmic events. It's also very pertinent to intimate betrayal - what you are experiencing.

Traumatic stress is an event or series of events that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless. Both of which are exactly what happens when your partner is unfaithful. It's why you have trouble focusing during the day, why you're exhausted one minute and can't sleep the next, why your appetite gets out of whack, and why you become hypervigilant.

This is a really good article about traumatic stress and some ideas for helping you cope.

Some things we talk about a lot here are the importance of getting nutritionally dense foods into your system. You seem to be past the stage where you can't eat - or maybe you never had that a fair number of folks do - but it's still important to make sure what you're eating and fueling your body with are things that are good for you. (When I get stressed I head right for the sugar - just makes things worse!) Getting sleep is next on the list - and again you seem to be ok there.

And then there's the ability to focus and to regulate emotionally. Food and sleep will help that. Time will help. There are some techniques for dealing with the pictures in your head. Having a good support system is very helpful. Coaching or counseling can be beneficial. There are lots of things to support and help you through this.

P

So it's been 1 month since my husband disclosed to me his affairs from years ago. We have been moving along, and are both committed. This past weekend we did end up attending the couple's retreat we had planned some time before he told me. It was a great weekend. It was not specific to our current issue, more about communication and attachment.
The past weeks I am finding that when my dh is home and we are together things are fine, but when he is gone to work during the day, I feel like crap. I still have trouble focusing and getting anything done. I have come to the conclusion that I have split personality. The one who loves him and just wants to forget anything happened and that I have not totally been lied to for that past years. then the other who is hurt and feels the hurt, and can't believe what happened, and is not sure that I will ever be the same.
I am really struggling with it. I am worried that we will just move on, never really 'resolve' and I will just now hold this in me forever, it's off him now it's my problem! I can imagine that it will creep up every once in a while over the years, I will feel miserable then go back to shoving it inside. How does one ever really 'get past'? Will I, or am I really now just 'damaged'
It is perhaps interesting to know that my dh was sexually abused as a young boy. I knew that before, but shortly after he told me about his affairs, he has disclosed much more about his past.....way more, and it has been hard for him. I struggle with the fact that I can see the big picture and even see that years ago, when he had the affairs (and seemingly our marriage was secure) I can see that it was not necessarily about me or our relationship and more about his childhood issues..... but I am the one left hurting now.
He is constantly professing his love and apologizing and expressing his desires. His words help me not be angry. I am just really having a hard time knowing how to put this behind me, I want to feel normal again.

in a mood........